The Only True Christmas Movie Review:
By popular demand, a Christmas movie review. We'll start with special awards and dubious achievements before we get to the Top 10, using my special Christmas movie scale.
TOP 5 Non-Christmas Movies Set During Christmas:
5. Gremlins
4. The Ref
3. Love, Actually
2. Die Hard
1. The Godfather: Part 1
TOP 5 VERSIONS OF THE CHRISTMAS CAROL:
Scrooge
That is all. No one should make an alternative. Yes, including the Muppets - anything with the rats in it is NOT a real muppet anything. Which brings me to...
JIM CARREY'S WAR ON CHRISTMAS
Does Jim Carrey like Christmas or hate it? He's played two versions of Christmas's most dastardly redeemed curmudgeons, both in miserable remakes of classics. Is this part of a broader campaign? Is he some sort of anti-Christmas 5th Column sent here by Jack Skellington to undermine all we hold sacred and dear? Speaking of which...
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?
The Nightmare Before Christmas. Bursting with creativity, sure, but what was the assumed audience for a Goth-emo stop motion claymation musical about a depressed monster taking down Christmas?
THE CHRISTMAS MOVIES WE'RE MISSING:
- Anything worth watching that's about the nativity
- A good nutcracker movie
- A Calvin & Hobbes Christmas special.
THE CHRISTMAS CLASSIC THAT ACTUALLY SUCKS:
It's a Wonderful Life.
First of all, it's a Christmas movie with no Christmas cheer, no Santa, and no Christ. "No Mas!" A movie about broken dreams, two hours of misery, this film is a lodestone on every Christmas.
THE 30-POINT SCALE OF CHRISTMAS-MOVIE-NESS
- Nostalgia Factor - 10 Points - Every Christmas movie is, above all, valued for its belovedness. No matter the movie's original quality, what makes a great Christmas movie is how much it has come to be loved, because it reminds us of when Christmas was best - when we were children.
- Christmas-ness Factor - 10 Points - Another vital point is for the Christmas movie to be about Christmas. There are a lot of factors to hit on, and few movies can cover them all, but without a bit of Santa saving the day, a bit of snow-related magic, and a nod to the notion that the holiday is about the whole Jesus thing, it cannot be a complete Christmas movie.
- Quality - 10 Points - Some accounting must be made for whether, unbiased by nostalgia, the movie in question is any good.
FOR EXAMPLE:
THE WORST LEGIT CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF ALL:
Jingle All the Way:
Nostalgia = 0
Christmass-ness = 0
Quality = 0
Christmas Score = 0 - The functional equivalent of a pink bunny suit.
Anytime you make a comedy that's not funny, you're going to have problems. Then there's the fact that every Arnold movie has that weird thing where you think, "Why doesn't anyone in the movie notice or remark on the fact that he's ultra-buff and has a thick Austrian accent? Anyway, lots of Christmas movies are bad. The question is how you get the Christmas part this wrong. A movie built to mock Christmas commercialism ends up celebrating it. The point, as in Christmas Story, is the KID chasing the toy, not the dad. Moreover, the point is NOT that EVERY kid wants SOME toy, it's that ONE kid wants THE toy that just they want. Santa does not save the day...he tries to ruin it. The only person there to save the day is dad, dressed up as Generic Superhero. The kid is obnoxious. Indeed, the target of any good Christmas movie HAS to be the kid, not adults, because that's how you create nostalgia in the first place. The bow on top of this steaming Mr. Hankee of a Christmas movie is a generic title than pollutes a perfectly lovely Christmas carol without actually referencing it in any way.
BEFORE WE BEGIN, THE CHRISTMAS MOVIES I HAVE NOT SEEN ARE:
- Babes in Toyland
- Scrooged
- Bad Santa
- Emmett Otter's Jug-band Christmas
- Polar Express
- Any second tier black and white Christmas movie
The Christmas Movie by Decade:
40's = It's A Wonderful Life - Christmas is rough, just like everything else. Just stick it out.
50's = White Christmas - Christmas is pristine, generic and good in a sweater-wearing, banal sort of way.
60's = Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Christmas is about you being a special little snowflake despite the fact that you're a freak and an embarrassment to your family.
70's = Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas - Christmas is weird because it's the 70's.
80's = A Christmas Story - Christmas is about America, and a disappointing toy.
90's = Home Alone - Christmas is about, "Maybe my family's alright."
00's = Elf - Christmas is about the naive magic of the season in a cynical era.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, the CHRISTMAS MOVIE TOP 10
10. Frosty the Snowman - 17 Christmas points
Nostalgia = 7
Christmas-ness = 7
Quality = 3
This was my favorite as a kid. I watched it again...it's bad. A down-on his luck magician gets his hat stolen by some kids who then drag him to the ends of the earth to avoid giving it back to him. That's a good lesson. And why do they do this? So that they can instead play with an imaginary Christmas invention who looks like the Michelin man and is dumb enough to hide in a green house, when in fact, he could just hide IN THE SNOW! Worse still, the song was only created because Gene Autry was looking for a second Christmas hit. Who cares...Frosty's a fixture now, Santa randomly wanders into the movie in the end and saves the day, and the villain is terrifying to children. I'm giving an extra Christmas-ness half point assuming that the reason Frosty says "Happy Birthday" when he appears is some bizarre attempt to get at the Jesus angle.
9. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York - 18 Christmas Points
Nostalgia: 4
Christmasness: 6
Quality: 8
The best Christmas sequel, this movie was surprisingly good. Lots of love for Christmas in New York, bits of Christmas magic here-and-there...and a strange woman with pidgeons. If they made another Home Alone, maybe the pidgeon lady could be Mike Tyson?
8. Miracle on 34th Street - 19 Christmas Points
Nostalgia: 6
Christmasness: 8
Quality: 5
Nostalgia for this film is watered down by a series of questionable remakes, points it makes up by putting the Big Guy front and center. Let's discuss some of the more questionable plot points here though: Santa's benevolent benefactor is Macy's, which we're somehow led to believe leads a revolution in Christmas-love-in-ness by sending shoppers to other stores. Even stranger, Santa Claus reaches back, slugs the psychologist, and is later freed of charges of being crazy but never punished for assault. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Still, even the terrorists smile when the postal workers march into the court room.
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - 20 Christmas Points
Nostalgia: 8
Christmasness: 8
Quality: 4
Everyone loves Rudolph, but again, some questions need to be asked. An elf who wants to become a dentist? Whaaaaaaa? There are lots of other Reindeer who don't make the cut...what happens to them? And some non-Frosty snowman named Sam, who is not abominable, is our narrator. And then we jump the polar version of the shark, to a rogue abominable snowman and meet a collection of bizarre characters, which might better be christened "Christmas Characters Begging for Cynical Millenials to make Youtube shorts about them," such as Yukon Cornelius, and King Moonracer, who has the audacity to throw the freaks off freak island. Anyway, crossing back into core Christmas territory, Rudolph finds his parents' love and helps Santa save Christmas. Queue classic song.
6. A Charlie Brown Christmas - 21 Christmas Points
Nostalgia: 10
Christmasness: 9
Quality: 2
So Peanuts was never funny. As a movie, this Christmas special is shockingly dull. But as soon as you hear a few bars from the piano bit at the beginning, it IS Christmas. On top of that, it hits all of the essential moral lessons of Christmas movies, about the importance of friendship and community. That plus it is the only major Christmas special that takes on the Jesus thing. As a child, the undigested Jesus lecture was bizarre and out of place. And it still is. But I like that...maybe Charles Schulz was saying something about Christmas, the way the Jesus thing gets dropped in, as an oh yeah.
5. Elf - 22 Christmas points and climbing
Nostalgia: 3
Christmasness: 10
Quality: 9
This one is only limited by how new it is and how well it ages. At base, it's just a good movie, and nicely gets at a schmaltzy Christmas message that will serve it well in time. Really, though, this movie is just in love with Christmas magic. I'm predicting Elf will climb near the top as the years pass.
4. Home Alone - 23 Christmas points
Nostalgia: 7
Christmasness: 8
Quality: 8
Another movie that goes right for the family/Christmas jugular. The magic of the film is that Christmas is this real thing that makes wishes come true. In a rare touch, he does go to church and all. And just when you're having lots of fun, they throw in a John Candy Planes, Trains, and Automobiles interlude. Plus Santa is sort of in the movie in the form of Boo Radley light.
3. Scrooge - 24 Christmas points
Nostalgia: 9
Christmasness: 7
Quality: 8
Say what you will about the campy musical numbers, the wandering pace, the general 70's-ness of everyone's side burns, it is a hard heart that has never shed a tear for Tiny Tim on that beautiful Christmas morning.
2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas - 26 Christmas points
Nostalgia: 10
Christmasness: 8
Quality: 8
The one weird 60's cartoon that is actually ridiculously good. As above, every time I see this, I wish someone would do for Bill Waterson what this did for Dr. Seuss.
1. A Christmas Story - 30 Christmas Points
Nostalgia: 10
Christmasness: 10
Quality: 10
This movie is Christmas. It has become more Christmas than advent calendars and eggnog. It's really funny, it has literary aspects, and it pegs Christmas for everyone in the family. As you get older, you come to know everyone in the family in a new way. It's helped by the fact that none of the actors are big names or beauties...this could be any family in America and it is. The race for this award was never close and probably never will be.
BONUS: THE ONLY GREAT NEW YEARS' MOVIE:
The Hudsucker Proxy. Watch it every year. OK, so When Harry Met Sally is also good.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 05, 2010
WORLD CUP 2022 – FIASCO IN THE MAKING
So Qatar got (bought?) the World Cup. May it live to regret it.
The pitch was that they would build 12 air-conditioned stadiums and then give that technology and the materials away to construct 3rd world soccer stadiums. It’s a charming pitch, so much so that I could envision why the FIFA voting board, stocked with internationalists from the 3rd world, would be moved by the Emir’s benevolence.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, (and perhaps a few well-placed bribes serve as bypasses). What is actually going to happen? Qatar has 200,000 citizens and about 1.2 million guest-workers. Qatar’s security forces are staffed almost entirely by Omani conscripts. Qatar receives about 1 million tourist visits per year – by comparison, South Africa took in 1 million visitors for the 2010 World Cup in 1 month. This is a massive administrative challenge and the assumption seems to be that the Qataris are wealthy enough to spend away any problems.
Are there limits to the power of oil money? This is the first in a series of posts on what those limits might be.
Where will they stay?
Let’s assume that Qatar’s international airport can take everyone in – after all, if one thing is good about Qatar, it’s the airline. Where are these people going to stay? One might assume that Qatar can spend its way to enough hotel rooms in 12 years. But let’s not underestimate the challenge. As of 2009, Qatar had about 8500 hotel rooms. By 2012, that number is projected to grow, based on in-construction hotels, to about 10,700 hotel rooms.
One does not have to have mastered calculus to be concerned about the ratio of available units to people. Let’s say that Qatar should expect 1 million visitors over 1 month. Let’s say each visitor stays an average of 1/3 of a month and shares a room with 1 other person, on average. By that estimate, Qatar would need about 167,000 hotel rooms. I restate – in 2012, it will have 10,700. In other words, conservatively, Qatar will have to add 1.5 times as many hotel rooms as it currently has EVERY YEAR FOR 10 YEARS starting in 2012 just to meet World Cup demand. These hotel rooms will be relevant for 30 days, after which they will be completely superfluous. Even for a Gulf State, that is an epic waste of money, assuming they can pull it off.
But if they cannot, what are their options?
- Neighboring countries:
o Saudi Arabia is the only country that shares a border with Qatar. It is difficult to conceive of the Saudis relaxing their strong visa and social interaction restrictions to let World Cup revelers pass back and forth.
o Bahrain – the neighborhood party town, Bahrain will undoubtedly bear a large burden in absorbing the influx of travellers. Even still, this will create visa complications and force travellers to take ferries to games in large volumes. Moreover, Bahrain is simply not large enough by itself to make up the difference in needed hotel rooms to actual rooms.
o It’s possible, indeed highly desirable, that Qatar would reach out to the United Arab Emirates’ massive tourist facilities for help. But the two do not share a border. Perhaps Qatar will be forced to arrange for wide-ranging ferry services for those seeking to attend games.
o Iran is the only other country within reasonable distance, lying across the Persian Gulf. It is difficult to project the political trajectory of Iran 14 years out, but it is difficult to imagine a large contingent of the world’s soccer fans taking up residence in the sparsely populated Iranian coastal region to endure lengthy ferry rides to games.
o The final possibility is that Qatar can try to set up some system of flying people in and out of regional cities to games, which adds prohibitively to the cost and makes the airport the bottleneck.
- Refugee Camps – Ok, this is a bit of hyperbole, but honestly, Qatar’s only option may be to put up temporary shelter and offer it for free. Perhaps large ships will be allowed to dock and act as floating hotels. Given the summer heat and the general lack of things to do in Qatar, one could quickly imagine these camps and boats becoming dens of heat exhaustion or worse.
- Fewer visitors. The final, most likely option, is that the lack of places to stay and the other problems with the choice of host will lead visitors to vote with their feet and simply not attend. For the most part, these are not cheap hotels and hostels that Qatar is offering. These are high-end, luxury hotels designed to operate at low occupancy rates and high prices. These prices are likely to become worse with a glut of World Cup travelers unless artificially kept low by the host government.
In the end, Qatar's best residency option may be to hope that it is so unattractive as a host - pricey, hot, and boring - that no one shows up to create a hotel crisis.
So Qatar got (bought?) the World Cup. May it live to regret it.
The pitch was that they would build 12 air-conditioned stadiums and then give that technology and the materials away to construct 3rd world soccer stadiums. It’s a charming pitch, so much so that I could envision why the FIFA voting board, stocked with internationalists from the 3rd world, would be moved by the Emir’s benevolence.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, (and perhaps a few well-placed bribes serve as bypasses). What is actually going to happen? Qatar has 200,000 citizens and about 1.2 million guest-workers. Qatar’s security forces are staffed almost entirely by Omani conscripts. Qatar receives about 1 million tourist visits per year – by comparison, South Africa took in 1 million visitors for the 2010 World Cup in 1 month. This is a massive administrative challenge and the assumption seems to be that the Qataris are wealthy enough to spend away any problems.
Are there limits to the power of oil money? This is the first in a series of posts on what those limits might be.
Where will they stay?
Let’s assume that Qatar’s international airport can take everyone in – after all, if one thing is good about Qatar, it’s the airline. Where are these people going to stay? One might assume that Qatar can spend its way to enough hotel rooms in 12 years. But let’s not underestimate the challenge. As of 2009, Qatar had about 8500 hotel rooms. By 2012, that number is projected to grow, based on in-construction hotels, to about 10,700 hotel rooms.
One does not have to have mastered calculus to be concerned about the ratio of available units to people. Let’s say that Qatar should expect 1 million visitors over 1 month. Let’s say each visitor stays an average of 1/3 of a month and shares a room with 1 other person, on average. By that estimate, Qatar would need about 167,000 hotel rooms. I restate – in 2012, it will have 10,700. In other words, conservatively, Qatar will have to add 1.5 times as many hotel rooms as it currently has EVERY YEAR FOR 10 YEARS starting in 2012 just to meet World Cup demand. These hotel rooms will be relevant for 30 days, after which they will be completely superfluous. Even for a Gulf State, that is an epic waste of money, assuming they can pull it off.
But if they cannot, what are their options?
- Neighboring countries:
o Saudi Arabia is the only country that shares a border with Qatar. It is difficult to conceive of the Saudis relaxing their strong visa and social interaction restrictions to let World Cup revelers pass back and forth.
o Bahrain – the neighborhood party town, Bahrain will undoubtedly bear a large burden in absorbing the influx of travellers. Even still, this will create visa complications and force travellers to take ferries to games in large volumes. Moreover, Bahrain is simply not large enough by itself to make up the difference in needed hotel rooms to actual rooms.
o It’s possible, indeed highly desirable, that Qatar would reach out to the United Arab Emirates’ massive tourist facilities for help. But the two do not share a border. Perhaps Qatar will be forced to arrange for wide-ranging ferry services for those seeking to attend games.
o Iran is the only other country within reasonable distance, lying across the Persian Gulf. It is difficult to project the political trajectory of Iran 14 years out, but it is difficult to imagine a large contingent of the world’s soccer fans taking up residence in the sparsely populated Iranian coastal region to endure lengthy ferry rides to games.
o The final possibility is that Qatar can try to set up some system of flying people in and out of regional cities to games, which adds prohibitively to the cost and makes the airport the bottleneck.
- Refugee Camps – Ok, this is a bit of hyperbole, but honestly, Qatar’s only option may be to put up temporary shelter and offer it for free. Perhaps large ships will be allowed to dock and act as floating hotels. Given the summer heat and the general lack of things to do in Qatar, one could quickly imagine these camps and boats becoming dens of heat exhaustion or worse.
- Fewer visitors. The final, most likely option, is that the lack of places to stay and the other problems with the choice of host will lead visitors to vote with their feet and simply not attend. For the most part, these are not cheap hotels and hostels that Qatar is offering. These are high-end, luxury hotels designed to operate at low occupancy rates and high prices. These prices are likely to become worse with a glut of World Cup travelers unless artificially kept low by the host government.
In the end, Qatar's best residency option may be to hope that it is so unattractive as a host - pricey, hot, and boring - that no one shows up to create a hotel crisis.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP: DAY 11
Flying home. No hakuna matata. I had too good of a time.
OH AFRICA: We drove to the airport...except it no longer existed. They opened a new airport right before the world cup on the opposite side of town.
WORLD CUP TIP: GO! The world's premiere sporting event. 2014 is in Brazil.
SOUTH AFRICA TIP: GO! It's great fun and not too exotic for those less adventurous.
Flying home. No hakuna matata. I had too good of a time.
OH AFRICA: We drove to the airport...except it no longer existed. They opened a new airport right before the world cup on the opposite side of town.
WORLD CUP TIP: GO! The world's premiere sporting event. 2014 is in Brazil.
SOUTH AFRICA TIP: GO! It's great fun and not too exotic for those less adventurous.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP: DAY 10
Today was my other soccer game - the Netherlands vs. Japan. As before, the East Asian team was game, but came with far fewer fans. The Dutch were a fun crew.
HAKUNA MATATA: But the real highlight was the stadium in Durban. It's a work of art. It's airy, it affords views of the city, it's a neat architectural feature, and it's very functionally designed. It's right on the water and it fits in perfectly. Check it out: http://www.durban.gov.za/durban/government/spu/moses/pictures/2.Artists_impression_inside_view_Moses_Mabhida_Stadium.jpg
After the game we wandered around Durban's remaining highlights - grabbed some bunny chow down on the docks, dropped by uShaka Marine World, and witnessed a bit more lively fan fest down on the beach, including a drunken fan yelling, "AYOBA" at everyone he came across. Now that's more like it!
OH...AFRICA: All of the street signs in Durban are crossed out and have new names. The city used to have several streets named after Afrikans figures which the provincial government have since renamed after revolutionary heroes...just in time for the World Cup. However, no one can get around anymore, the Garmand hasn't been updated, so as a concession, the provincial government left up all of the old signs, and just puts big red X's over the old street names.
WORLD CUP TIP: If you don't care for the soccer, then check out the stadiums beforehand and pick one out that seems fetching. The stadium alone was at least worth driving to Durban for.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: Durban has waves. Take advantage of them. (I failed at this task...I know, I know...I've never met a wave I didn't like.)
Today was my other soccer game - the Netherlands vs. Japan. As before, the East Asian team was game, but came with far fewer fans. The Dutch were a fun crew.
HAKUNA MATATA: But the real highlight was the stadium in Durban. It's a work of art. It's airy, it affords views of the city, it's a neat architectural feature, and it's very functionally designed. It's right on the water and it fits in perfectly. Check it out: http://www.durban.gov.za/durban/government/spu/moses/pictures/2.Artists_impression_inside_view_Moses_Mabhida_Stadium.jpg
After the game we wandered around Durban's remaining highlights - grabbed some bunny chow down on the docks, dropped by uShaka Marine World, and witnessed a bit more lively fan fest down on the beach, including a drunken fan yelling, "AYOBA" at everyone he came across. Now that's more like it!
OH...AFRICA: All of the street signs in Durban are crossed out and have new names. The city used to have several streets named after Afrikans figures which the provincial government have since renamed after revolutionary heroes...just in time for the World Cup. However, no one can get around anymore, the Garmand hasn't been updated, so as a concession, the provincial government left up all of the old signs, and just puts big red X's over the old street names.
WORLD CUP TIP: If you don't care for the soccer, then check out the stadiums beforehand and pick one out that seems fetching. The stadium alone was at least worth driving to Durban for.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: Durban has waves. Take advantage of them. (I failed at this task...I know, I know...I've never met a wave I didn't like.)
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP DAY 9: To Durban
HAKUNA MATATA: A long, beautiful drive from Johannesburg to Durban. The mountains are beautiful. Our original plan was to drive to Rorke's Drift to see the famous Zulu War battlefield, but unfortunately South Africa is much bigger than it appears on the map. Instead, we did a drive by of some of the Boer War battlefields, took the Midlands Meander route, checked out a big waterfall, and then got ourselves to Durban.
Durban is a lot like Miami - great in the winter, awful in the summer. Art deco abounds. On the other hand, it is also a huge port city with all of the attendant commerce and crime and thus has a bit of a Baltimore feel as well. This is where Ghandi and the indian population makes its home. They also have the best signs, welcoming all of the teams playing in the area with their country's version of hello - such as Australia, which receives a 'G'day'.
We drove over to the famous blue lagoon and picked up some Indian food, then took a walk along the beach. Then we headed off to a fun little aviary with exotic birds from around the world. Unfortunately, Durban was pretty dead on a Friday night, so after a bit more exploring, we turned in early.
OH, AFRICA: South Africa no longer accepts its own 200 Rand note because it was so easily and commonly counterfeited that it was impossible to continue its use.
WORLD CUP TIP: Fan fests are apparently for the POST game. We went tonight, the night before the game, and there was nobody there.
JUSTINE'S SOUTH AFRICA TIPS: When swiping your credit card, they must bring the swiper to you. Don't let anyone wander off with your credit card.
HAKUNA MATATA: A long, beautiful drive from Johannesburg to Durban. The mountains are beautiful. Our original plan was to drive to Rorke's Drift to see the famous Zulu War battlefield, but unfortunately South Africa is much bigger than it appears on the map. Instead, we did a drive by of some of the Boer War battlefields, took the Midlands Meander route, checked out a big waterfall, and then got ourselves to Durban.
Durban is a lot like Miami - great in the winter, awful in the summer. Art deco abounds. On the other hand, it is also a huge port city with all of the attendant commerce and crime and thus has a bit of a Baltimore feel as well. This is where Ghandi and the indian population makes its home. They also have the best signs, welcoming all of the teams playing in the area with their country's version of hello - such as Australia, which receives a 'G'day'.
We drove over to the famous blue lagoon and picked up some Indian food, then took a walk along the beach. Then we headed off to a fun little aviary with exotic birds from around the world. Unfortunately, Durban was pretty dead on a Friday night, so after a bit more exploring, we turned in early.
OH, AFRICA: South Africa no longer accepts its own 200 Rand note because it was so easily and commonly counterfeited that it was impossible to continue its use.
WORLD CUP TIP: Fan fests are apparently for the POST game. We went tonight, the night before the game, and there was nobody there.
JUSTINE'S SOUTH AFRICA TIPS: When swiping your credit card, they must bring the swiper to you. Don't let anyone wander off with your credit card.
Friday, July 09, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA DAY 8: WORLD CUP GAME #1
HAKUNA MATATA: Today was the first world cup game I actually went to: Argentina vs. South Korea. Parking was fairly well thought out, and the march into the massive Soccer City stadium was fun, with lots of meats being grilled and vuvuzelas. Slowly all the different lines of people converge and the hum of the stadium gets closer. Security is tighter at this stadium than any of the others, and the 82,000 fans plus make it a massive ordeal to get in. Approaching the stadium, more and more the hum of the hornets nest of vuvuzelas begins to shake the ground until finally, you turn a corner and you can look down on the pitch. The stands are massed with flags and colors...some of the closer seats to be filled in by bused-in school children. Argentina fans grossly outnumber two small cadres of South Korean fans, though the Koreans are upbeat and noisy all game, despite the eventual outcome. But Argentina fans come with huge cheering sections for every player, flags adorned with the likenesses of Maradonna and Che on equal footing. We arrived just before introductions, so all of the pleasant pre-game pageantry was our introduction - the singing of the anthems, the half-field sized flags rolled over the fans heads.
The vuvuzelas are loud but not intolerable when in concert. They roll and rock with the proceedings and truly add to the atmosphere.
The game itself was entertaining despite the lopsided final score. Argentina put a few goals in and looked very strong. Despite his failure to score in the game, or the tournament, Messi is noticeably special, always going a direction no one thinks to go with the ball because only he can keep control of it with that move. Argentina seemed comfortable with the lead before an awful mistake on defense gave Korea a goal right before halftime. The game picked up considerably as a result when play resumed and the Koreans put together a few of the best runs of the game only to miss on their scoring opportunity. Finally Argentina settled back in and controlled the ball, inexorably putting a few more goals in the net to finish it. My only complaint: stadium concessions were standard American fare (hotdogs etc). A huge missed opportunity in my opinion.
OH...AFRICA: If you find a lose diamond lying on the ground in South Africa, it belongs to de Beers. Literally. They own the rights to all undiscovered and unclaimed diamonds.
WORLD CUP TIP: Being up from the field a bit can be a blessing, and don't get seats behind the goals. At ground level, it can be difficult to see the cross-pitch strategy. But from a bit removed, it is a very easy game to watch. But it is absolutely vital to sit somewhere on the sideline - behind the goal is a very poor viewing area.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: That restaurant isn't locking you out. The Portuguese place we went to, for example, had the front door locked when we first tried it, even though we could see people inside. For safety and security purposes, restaurants have a remote lock on their front door. Just smile, show your gun-less hands, and try again.
HAKUNA MATATA: Today was the first world cup game I actually went to: Argentina vs. South Korea. Parking was fairly well thought out, and the march into the massive Soccer City stadium was fun, with lots of meats being grilled and vuvuzelas. Slowly all the different lines of people converge and the hum of the stadium gets closer. Security is tighter at this stadium than any of the others, and the 82,000 fans plus make it a massive ordeal to get in. Approaching the stadium, more and more the hum of the hornets nest of vuvuzelas begins to shake the ground until finally, you turn a corner and you can look down on the pitch. The stands are massed with flags and colors...some of the closer seats to be filled in by bused-in school children. Argentina fans grossly outnumber two small cadres of South Korean fans, though the Koreans are upbeat and noisy all game, despite the eventual outcome. But Argentina fans come with huge cheering sections for every player, flags adorned with the likenesses of Maradonna and Che on equal footing. We arrived just before introductions, so all of the pleasant pre-game pageantry was our introduction - the singing of the anthems, the half-field sized flags rolled over the fans heads.
The vuvuzelas are loud but not intolerable when in concert. They roll and rock with the proceedings and truly add to the atmosphere.
The game itself was entertaining despite the lopsided final score. Argentina put a few goals in and looked very strong. Despite his failure to score in the game, or the tournament, Messi is noticeably special, always going a direction no one thinks to go with the ball because only he can keep control of it with that move. Argentina seemed comfortable with the lead before an awful mistake on defense gave Korea a goal right before halftime. The game picked up considerably as a result when play resumed and the Koreans put together a few of the best runs of the game only to miss on their scoring opportunity. Finally Argentina settled back in and controlled the ball, inexorably putting a few more goals in the net to finish it. My only complaint: stadium concessions were standard American fare (hotdogs etc). A huge missed opportunity in my opinion.
OH...AFRICA: If you find a lose diamond lying on the ground in South Africa, it belongs to de Beers. Literally. They own the rights to all undiscovered and unclaimed diamonds.
WORLD CUP TIP: Being up from the field a bit can be a blessing, and don't get seats behind the goals. At ground level, it can be difficult to see the cross-pitch strategy. But from a bit removed, it is a very easy game to watch. But it is absolutely vital to sit somewhere on the sideline - behind the goal is a very poor viewing area.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: That restaurant isn't locking you out. The Portuguese place we went to, for example, had the front door locked when we first tried it, even though we could see people inside. For safety and security purposes, restaurants have a remote lock on their front door. Just smile, show your gun-less hands, and try again.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP: DAY 7
On the way back from the Magaliesberg, we stopped at the Cradle of Mankind, an overwrought, underinteresting globalists' wet dream loosely based on the fact that some of the skeletal remains of human ancestors were found in the area. The monolingual Japanese tourists cutting in line enmasse didn't help. Into a cave where the bones are found...mostly of antelopes. And it's FREEZING COLD - everywhere, not just the cave.
HAKUNA MATATA: Back in johannesburg, Justine's mom made a delicious dinner.
OH...AFRICA: That awful red card in the South Africa - Uruguay game ended up killing off the host country's chance at the next round. Too bad, it would have been a mad house. I think we saw the team bus en route to the game and the whole neighborhood was chasing it, vuvuzelas in tow.
WC TIP: So supposedly the world cup is one massive party with constant global hook-ups. The radio was atwitter with the million condoms story, the naming of twins Bafana and Mexico. But everywhere Justine and I went, Justine was about the only girl there. I don't know if it was the South Africa, the winter, or the soccer, but, as is most often the case for young men headed out to meet random ladies: PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT. Go for the soccer, not the party.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: Mulva pudding. It's good.
On the way back from the Magaliesberg, we stopped at the Cradle of Mankind, an overwrought, underinteresting globalists' wet dream loosely based on the fact that some of the skeletal remains of human ancestors were found in the area. The monolingual Japanese tourists cutting in line enmasse didn't help. Into a cave where the bones are found...mostly of antelopes. And it's FREEZING COLD - everywhere, not just the cave.
HAKUNA MATATA: Back in johannesburg, Justine's mom made a delicious dinner.
OH...AFRICA: That awful red card in the South Africa - Uruguay game ended up killing off the host country's chance at the next round. Too bad, it would have been a mad house. I think we saw the team bus en route to the game and the whole neighborhood was chasing it, vuvuzelas in tow.
WC TIP: So supposedly the world cup is one massive party with constant global hook-ups. The radio was atwitter with the million condoms story, the naming of twins Bafana and Mexico. But everywhere Justine and I went, Justine was about the only girl there. I don't know if it was the South Africa, the winter, or the soccer, but, as is most often the case for young men headed out to meet random ladies: PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT. Go for the soccer, not the party.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: Mulva pudding. It's good.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP DAYS 5-6: SEMI-SAFARI!!!
Off we drove to the Magaliesberg for a few days driving through one of the many national game reserves. (I received no end of an earful for calling them 'preserves' in that Indians don't live on Preservations.) This one is closer to Johannesburg and has the advantage of not being in a malaria zone, unlike the larger, more famous, more crowded, and better populated Kruger. This one supposedly had all of the "Big 5" but we didn't see any cats. Disappointed fellow-tourists would stop us and cycle through several languages before hitting on, "Have you seen de lye-on." Anyway, we saw everything else, and up-close to boot - elephants, giraffes, hippos, warthogs, rhinos, zebras, wildebeast, baboons, monkeys, etc. The best moment was when we were driving down a road and it turned out the van headed our way was, in fact, an elephant, which kindly stopped and started eating dinner right next to our car. One night we drove to the nearby Sun City resort casino for dinner, mandatory arcade games, and a pretty lame 'thundering bridge'. The other we settled in for a South African style 'brai' (BBQ) at our surprisingly well appointed chalet.
HAKUNA MATATA: It's always nice to see the stars for once. Truly though, the highlight is when we got stuck in the game park late one night and, rushing to beat the gate closing, Justine turned on the James Bond driving skills, blazing her little manual transmission through hairpin turns on dirt roads with no lights on the street and the possibility of smacking into a rhino at any moment. Justine quote half-way through, "I'm not going to lie to you, I'm enjoying this immensely."
OH....AFRICA: Apparently, Chinese tourists are infamous for getting out of their cars at game parks and getting eaten by lions. Kind of like German tourists getting shot in Miami. Moreover, South African radio and TV advertisements harp on this theme, employing hilariously un-PC stereotyped Chinese voices without remorse.
WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE TIP: There's more to the host country than soccer. Take advantage of it.
JUSTINE'S ADVICE ON SOUTH AFRICA: The best time to visit South African game parks is August, after they've burnt the veld. In addition to removing the long grass from blocking your views, the burning process crowds the animals into smaller areas, which leads to more opportunities to view them all at once. And no you won't be overheated - remember, August is winter down there.
Off we drove to the Magaliesberg for a few days driving through one of the many national game reserves. (I received no end of an earful for calling them 'preserves' in that Indians don't live on Preservations.) This one is closer to Johannesburg and has the advantage of not being in a malaria zone, unlike the larger, more famous, more crowded, and better populated Kruger. This one supposedly had all of the "Big 5" but we didn't see any cats. Disappointed fellow-tourists would stop us and cycle through several languages before hitting on, "Have you seen de lye-on." Anyway, we saw everything else, and up-close to boot - elephants, giraffes, hippos, warthogs, rhinos, zebras, wildebeast, baboons, monkeys, etc. The best moment was when we were driving down a road and it turned out the van headed our way was, in fact, an elephant, which kindly stopped and started eating dinner right next to our car. One night we drove to the nearby Sun City resort casino for dinner, mandatory arcade games, and a pretty lame 'thundering bridge'. The other we settled in for a South African style 'brai' (BBQ) at our surprisingly well appointed chalet.
HAKUNA MATATA: It's always nice to see the stars for once. Truly though, the highlight is when we got stuck in the game park late one night and, rushing to beat the gate closing, Justine turned on the James Bond driving skills, blazing her little manual transmission through hairpin turns on dirt roads with no lights on the street and the possibility of smacking into a rhino at any moment. Justine quote half-way through, "I'm not going to lie to you, I'm enjoying this immensely."
OH....AFRICA: Apparently, Chinese tourists are infamous for getting out of their cars at game parks and getting eaten by lions. Kind of like German tourists getting shot in Miami. Moreover, South African radio and TV advertisements harp on this theme, employing hilariously un-PC stereotyped Chinese voices without remorse.
WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE TIP: There's more to the host country than soccer. Take advantage of it.
JUSTINE'S ADVICE ON SOUTH AFRICA: The best time to visit South African game parks is August, after they've burnt the veld. In addition to removing the long grass from blocking your views, the burning process crowds the animals into smaller areas, which leads to more opportunities to view them all at once. And no you won't be overheated - remember, August is winter down there.
Monday, July 05, 2010
DAY 4 SOUTH AFRICA TRIP:
Off we went to Tswaing crater for a brisk hike. The ride through the townships continues the pattern - remarkable poverty, equally warm people. South Africa is sitting on an untapped gold mine of cute kids. Following the hike, we drove into Pretoria to breeze through the imposing government buildings and monuments along with an old square modelled on Trafalgar. The government buildings were bustling with world cup tourists, our favorites being the Cameroonian couple that insisted on taking pictures with us...and perhaps got a bit overly familiar in a physical sense with each of us in the process. Oh well - maybe holding hands is customary in their country?
OH...AFRICA: From there, we drove to the Voortrekker memorial, a well-conceived edifice, though poor Justine was terrified by the heights. It tells the story of the Great Trek, and it seems it was a rough go of it for the Boers. One exhibit featured a child's toy designed to look like oxen lashed to a cart, all hewed from an ox's vertebrae.
HAKUNA MATATA: Back to jo-burg, we stopped at a popular mall flooded with World Cup fans having a chant off - Chile and Brazil are out in force. Then we went to an interactive drumming show - this show basically rocked, and I kind of felt sorry for the performers that they didn't have more of an audience. Anyway, it's fun to bang on a drum. Then we walked around Montecasino and grabbed a late dinner before turning in.
WORLD CUP TIP: Go to a Brazil game. Brazil fans are like Steelers fans - they are everywhere. But imagine if instead of being from Pittsburgh, they're from Rio. They travel deep with costumes and hotties. Do not start a chant-off with them - they will win. So I imagine the games are out of control. 2014 is in Brazil - that place is going to be rocking. I can't imagine anyone else winning in that environment.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: It's said that Afrikaners and black South Africans work better than the English descendants with either - regardless of their differences, Afrikaners and blacks both see South Africa as their home, while many of the English still like to think they're part of the Commonwealth. Additional knowledge - many Afrikaners have to be told to wear shoes, and there is a common stereotype of poorer Afrikaners being shoeless and uncouth. Watch out while rooting for the Dutch as well - a drunk Afrikaner is called a Dutchman.
Off we went to Tswaing crater for a brisk hike. The ride through the townships continues the pattern - remarkable poverty, equally warm people. South Africa is sitting on an untapped gold mine of cute kids. Following the hike, we drove into Pretoria to breeze through the imposing government buildings and monuments along with an old square modelled on Trafalgar. The government buildings were bustling with world cup tourists, our favorites being the Cameroonian couple that insisted on taking pictures with us...and perhaps got a bit overly familiar in a physical sense with each of us in the process. Oh well - maybe holding hands is customary in their country?
OH...AFRICA: From there, we drove to the Voortrekker memorial, a well-conceived edifice, though poor Justine was terrified by the heights. It tells the story of the Great Trek, and it seems it was a rough go of it for the Boers. One exhibit featured a child's toy designed to look like oxen lashed to a cart, all hewed from an ox's vertebrae.
HAKUNA MATATA: Back to jo-burg, we stopped at a popular mall flooded with World Cup fans having a chant off - Chile and Brazil are out in force. Then we went to an interactive drumming show - this show basically rocked, and I kind of felt sorry for the performers that they didn't have more of an audience. Anyway, it's fun to bang on a drum. Then we walked around Montecasino and grabbed a late dinner before turning in.
WORLD CUP TIP: Go to a Brazil game. Brazil fans are like Steelers fans - they are everywhere. But imagine if instead of being from Pittsburgh, they're from Rio. They travel deep with costumes and hotties. Do not start a chant-off with them - they will win. So I imagine the games are out of control. 2014 is in Brazil - that place is going to be rocking. I can't imagine anyone else winning in that environment.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: It's said that Afrikaners and black South Africans work better than the English descendants with either - regardless of their differences, Afrikaners and blacks both see South Africa as their home, while many of the English still like to think they're part of the Commonwealth. Additional knowledge - many Afrikaners have to be told to wear shoes, and there is a common stereotype of poorer Afrikaners being shoeless and uncouth. Watch out while rooting for the Dutch as well - a drunk Afrikaner is called a Dutchman.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP: DAY 3 - JOZI TOURISM
Justine put together a vigorous schedule. We started off at the old gold mine around which Johannesburg is built. The city has heaping piles of the rock that was taken out of the ground lying all around its environs. It's difficult to fathom how deep into the earth they went - we went down several levels, but there was an order of magnitude further into the rock that the old mine went (it's filled with water now). At the end of the tour, they show you the smelting process. I think the mine tour was definitely arranged before all of the inflation-induced gold speculation began because they let you hold and take pictures with a gold bar which is now worth around $450,000.
HAKUNA MATATA: From there, close-by, is the sobering apartheid museum, which is on the level of the Holocaust museum in its effectiveness. Much of the experience is a deserving hagiography of nelson Mandela. Churchill, speaking on the first half of the 20th century, remarked that Kemal Mustafa, Ataturk, was the century's greatest leader. But Churchill could not have known what the second half of the century would bring...Mandela. I search in vain for some clue as to the life event that fathered this statesmanship. I must conclude that, while some are born great, others become great, and some have greatness thrust upon them, in this case, all three are true. The world would be better off if all of the iconic Che merchandise marketed for teenage rebellion and an archaic populism, instead bore Mandela's image - a symbol of true defiance, but also humility and ultimately mercy. An evolutionary figure rather than a revolutionary, in love with the possibilities of the future, not the jealousies of the past. We followed with trips to SOWETO, Mandela's home, a museum to the student riots, and finally the gorgeously graffitied decomissioned power plant. This was a perfect cap to the day - everyone in SOWETO was in a festive mood, Zulu gumboot dancers dancing with a gaggle of Dutch fans in their creamcicle wigs.
OH AFRICA: the apartheid museum gift shop is sparse, foregoing sales of the posters of moving images from the years of conflict and colorful anti-apartheid signs for a tame book shop. Most bizarrely are prominently featured t-shirts and mugs that read "WHITES ONLY". Who would buy such a thing? Who has the temerity to hand the black cashier this item for purchase? Bizarre.
WORLD CUP TIP: If it's a winter cup, DO NOT GO TO NIGHT GAMES, especially in a dreary plateau city like Rustenburg. The US vs. England game looked unbearable. That's a day of driving to see nothing and to freeze. Stick to day games and warmer climes. I'm convinced the weather is behind the weaker showings by traditional Mediterranean powers like Italy and France - their fans didn't show, and their players are soft and prefer a temperate climate.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: The townships are rough. Ads on the overpasses are all for abortions, HIV testing, and funerary services. Fresh graves are dug daily in the fields abutting them. Shanty fires are rampant in the endless rows of scrap metal stitched homes. And if anyone tells you to show up in hillbrow at midnight in your WHITES ONLY t-shirt, it's either a joke or a death sentence - Hillbrow is a drug and prostitution den run by Nigerian gangsters. District 9 was banned in Nigeria for its insensitive depiction of just such a gangster but South Africans think it was accurate. Unfortunately, it's believed in South Africa thaat the US's own hip hop-led celebration of the inner city gang culture has kindled similarly warped dreams among south african youths. My own experience was that everyone was in a generous mood. Still, KEEP SMALL CHANGE HANDY TO TIP THE UBIQUITOUS PARKING ATTENDANTS...and rent a car no one would think to steal in the first place.
Justine put together a vigorous schedule. We started off at the old gold mine around which Johannesburg is built. The city has heaping piles of the rock that was taken out of the ground lying all around its environs. It's difficult to fathom how deep into the earth they went - we went down several levels, but there was an order of magnitude further into the rock that the old mine went (it's filled with water now). At the end of the tour, they show you the smelting process. I think the mine tour was definitely arranged before all of the inflation-induced gold speculation began because they let you hold and take pictures with a gold bar which is now worth around $450,000.
HAKUNA MATATA: From there, close-by, is the sobering apartheid museum, which is on the level of the Holocaust museum in its effectiveness. Much of the experience is a deserving hagiography of nelson Mandela. Churchill, speaking on the first half of the 20th century, remarked that Kemal Mustafa, Ataturk, was the century's greatest leader. But Churchill could not have known what the second half of the century would bring...Mandela. I search in vain for some clue as to the life event that fathered this statesmanship. I must conclude that, while some are born great, others become great, and some have greatness thrust upon them, in this case, all three are true. The world would be better off if all of the iconic Che merchandise marketed for teenage rebellion and an archaic populism, instead bore Mandela's image - a symbol of true defiance, but also humility and ultimately mercy. An evolutionary figure rather than a revolutionary, in love with the possibilities of the future, not the jealousies of the past. We followed with trips to SOWETO, Mandela's home, a museum to the student riots, and finally the gorgeously graffitied decomissioned power plant. This was a perfect cap to the day - everyone in SOWETO was in a festive mood, Zulu gumboot dancers dancing with a gaggle of Dutch fans in their creamcicle wigs.
OH AFRICA: the apartheid museum gift shop is sparse, foregoing sales of the posters of moving images from the years of conflict and colorful anti-apartheid signs for a tame book shop. Most bizarrely are prominently featured t-shirts and mugs that read "WHITES ONLY". Who would buy such a thing? Who has the temerity to hand the black cashier this item for purchase? Bizarre.
WORLD CUP TIP: If it's a winter cup, DO NOT GO TO NIGHT GAMES, especially in a dreary plateau city like Rustenburg. The US vs. England game looked unbearable. That's a day of driving to see nothing and to freeze. Stick to day games and warmer climes. I'm convinced the weather is behind the weaker showings by traditional Mediterranean powers like Italy and France - their fans didn't show, and their players are soft and prefer a temperate climate.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: The townships are rough. Ads on the overpasses are all for abortions, HIV testing, and funerary services. Fresh graves are dug daily in the fields abutting them. Shanty fires are rampant in the endless rows of scrap metal stitched homes. And if anyone tells you to show up in hillbrow at midnight in your WHITES ONLY t-shirt, it's either a joke or a death sentence - Hillbrow is a drug and prostitution den run by Nigerian gangsters. District 9 was banned in Nigeria for its insensitive depiction of just such a gangster but South Africans think it was accurate. Unfortunately, it's believed in South Africa thaat the US's own hip hop-led celebration of the inner city gang culture has kindled similarly warped dreams among south african youths. My own experience was that everyone was in a generous mood. Still, KEEP SMALL CHANGE HANDY TO TIP THE UBIQUITOUS PARKING ATTENDANTS...and rent a car no one would think to steal in the first place.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
SOUTH AFRICA TRIP DAY #2
Picked up at the airport by my generous hostess, Justine, we drove to her family home to drop off my bags. the airport was full of Brazilians and vuvuzela noise. The infrastructure in the country is quite good and the country quite clean. The golden hills remind me of LA. The freeway is lined with flags of all of the competitor countries hung on poles that went up days before today's opening match. The streets are also lined with men selling flags and vuvuzelas.
We drove downtown for a tour through a pleasant museum on the history of South African beer, including a lesson on sorghum beer drinking from a traditional drinking bowl off of which the massive Soccer City stadium that would host the game later is modeled. Our tour was led by a pleasant woman who begged out of drinking with us because she was pregnant.
HAKUNA MATATA: Then we went on to the highlight of the day - traditional Afrikaaner South African food and the opening match. The game was exciting, the local Bafana Bafana (Zulu for boys) squad nearly pulling off a huge upset against the Mexicans, who had a large fan contingent. Had some fun playing soccer at halftime with the local kids.
In South Africa, rugby is the white sport and soccer the black sport. Just as the legendary In Victus Sprinbok victory over the New Zealand All Blacks was envisioned as a transformative event in the country's racial history, so has support of Bafana Bafana been seen as a reciprocal effort to engage both the English and Afrikans community in the majority of the country's sporting passion. Though expectations for the team are obviously lower, the effort was a success - support amongst the people I watched the game with was high, and the team's fortune was the talk of the nation. Similarly, the event is meant not only to deliver a message that Africa has earned a respected place in the family of nations, but also within Africa, to hold up South Africa as a place searching for a sturdy multi-racial society amidst a continent whose ethnic disputes have rent apart its many fragile states.
OH....AFRICA: On to all anyone really cares about - the vuvuzelas. Obnoxious on TV, as I'll explain later, they add enormously to the spectator experience live. More to the point, they truly are everywhere - at the airport, as an alarm clock, walking down the road. To me, they are this World Cup's refrain...a running joke. At any quiet moment, suddenly a vuvuzela. In any social situation, vuvuzela. Always gets a laugh out of me. The price has inflated 10 times over. Already banned from Wimbledon. I saw Prince Harry on TV without one. Pity...I hope Biden or Clinton got one.
TIP ON WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE: Attend a host country game. I can't imagine how incredible the atmosphere must have been at the stadium, but it was fun enough just watching it with them on TV.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: The blacks have a series of hand signals for the routeless roving mini-buses that communicate which part of town they wish to go so that the mini-bus driver can figure out whether to pick them up or not. MAKE NO ATTEMPT TO LEARN THEM. You're more likely to inadvertently sign a grave insult. No need to get stabbed for accidentally telling the "SOULJAH" mini-bus driver that his "balls are hanging".
Picked up at the airport by my generous hostess, Justine, we drove to her family home to drop off my bags. the airport was full of Brazilians and vuvuzela noise. The infrastructure in the country is quite good and the country quite clean. The golden hills remind me of LA. The freeway is lined with flags of all of the competitor countries hung on poles that went up days before today's opening match. The streets are also lined with men selling flags and vuvuzelas.
We drove downtown for a tour through a pleasant museum on the history of South African beer, including a lesson on sorghum beer drinking from a traditional drinking bowl off of which the massive Soccer City stadium that would host the game later is modeled. Our tour was led by a pleasant woman who begged out of drinking with us because she was pregnant.
HAKUNA MATATA: Then we went on to the highlight of the day - traditional Afrikaaner South African food and the opening match. The game was exciting, the local Bafana Bafana (Zulu for boys) squad nearly pulling off a huge upset against the Mexicans, who had a large fan contingent. Had some fun playing soccer at halftime with the local kids.
In South Africa, rugby is the white sport and soccer the black sport. Just as the legendary In Victus Sprinbok victory over the New Zealand All Blacks was envisioned as a transformative event in the country's racial history, so has support of Bafana Bafana been seen as a reciprocal effort to engage both the English and Afrikans community in the majority of the country's sporting passion. Though expectations for the team are obviously lower, the effort was a success - support amongst the people I watched the game with was high, and the team's fortune was the talk of the nation. Similarly, the event is meant not only to deliver a message that Africa has earned a respected place in the family of nations, but also within Africa, to hold up South Africa as a place searching for a sturdy multi-racial society amidst a continent whose ethnic disputes have rent apart its many fragile states.
OH....AFRICA: On to all anyone really cares about - the vuvuzelas. Obnoxious on TV, as I'll explain later, they add enormously to the spectator experience live. More to the point, they truly are everywhere - at the airport, as an alarm clock, walking down the road. To me, they are this World Cup's refrain...a running joke. At any quiet moment, suddenly a vuvuzela. In any social situation, vuvuzela. Always gets a laugh out of me. The price has inflated 10 times over. Already banned from Wimbledon. I saw Prince Harry on TV without one. Pity...I hope Biden or Clinton got one.
TIP ON WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE: Attend a host country game. I can't imagine how incredible the atmosphere must have been at the stadium, but it was fun enough just watching it with them on TV.
JUSTINE'S TIPS ON SOUTH AFRICA: The blacks have a series of hand signals for the routeless roving mini-buses that communicate which part of town they wish to go so that the mini-bus driver can figure out whether to pick them up or not. MAKE NO ATTEMPT TO LEARN THEM. You're more likely to inadvertently sign a grave insult. No need to get stabbed for accidentally telling the "SOULJAH" mini-bus driver that his "balls are hanging".
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
South Africa Journal: Day 1
I've been remiss in typing up my notes about my spectacular vacation in South Africa.
First of all, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, I did sing Hakuna Matata all over the country. I also did my best Homer Simpson to wryly comment, "Oh...Africa," as often as possible. Anyway, I plan to share the Hakuna Matata moments, Oh Africa moments, advice on attending a world cup, and insights from my lovely travel companion Justine on South Africa.
Without further ado...THURSDAY JUNE 10
I flew from DC to JFK...which is a 3rd world airport and a national embarrassment. Who runs this place? The empty duty free shops are open all day but only one food store is open with a line of almost everyone waiting for a flight? Fascinating business model. There's no info on where to pick up connecting flights and to get to the proper international terminal I have to walk through a side door located behind a temporary construction wall with no construction going on.
Then I flew to Johannesburg/Jozi/Joburg. On my flight, everyone was watching an episode of Lie to Me. I love this show's concept: Basically a good actor stares down C Listers and analyzes their bad acting. Magically this is woven into the plot. Each exchange ends with this gem:
Tim Roth: Thank you for your assistance
Bad Actor: But I haven't told you anything.
Tim Roth: BUT YOU'VE TOLD ME EVERYTHING!
HAKUNA MATATA: I had one of those classic only-in-America moments in JFK that makes me love my country more than The Dirty Dozen on Memorial Day. Seated at the gate to fly to South Africa were: 3 Argentinian brothers in soccer jumpsuits like the Royal Tenenbaums, a Hasidic Jew wearing crocs and, I swear to God, humping the air at random occasions as a nervous tic, the WASPiest 20-something to ever wrinkly khakis proudly wearing his Onyewu jersey (for the soccer illiterate, Onyewu is the biggest, blackest guy on the US team), a guy in a NASCAR hat and a t-shirt of Arnold Schwarzennegar smoking marijuana, a guitar-wiedling granola girl doing taichi at the airport window, the only guy in America who owns an MLS shirt happy to be rleevant for a month because he knows why Freddy Adu isn't on the squad, and then a horde of Mexicans. And finally, my aisle neighbor on the plane - a young black kid whose only carry-on for the 14 hour flight was an i-pod and two drumsticks.
This is why I love America most - not the republic, not some vision of what it once was or what it might be. All these are noble, but I love it most for what it is, because these people are home.
OH, AFRICA: Customs involved me walking under a sign that read customs. That is all.
TIP ON WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE: Traveler's checks are an anachronism.
JUSTINE'S ADVICE ON SOUTH AFRICA: Leave your expensive laptop at home. Whether it gets stolen or not, there are internet usage limits.
I've been remiss in typing up my notes about my spectacular vacation in South Africa.
First of all, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, I did sing Hakuna Matata all over the country. I also did my best Homer Simpson to wryly comment, "Oh...Africa," as often as possible. Anyway, I plan to share the Hakuna Matata moments, Oh Africa moments, advice on attending a world cup, and insights from my lovely travel companion Justine on South Africa.
Without further ado...THURSDAY JUNE 10
I flew from DC to JFK...which is a 3rd world airport and a national embarrassment. Who runs this place? The empty duty free shops are open all day but only one food store is open with a line of almost everyone waiting for a flight? Fascinating business model. There's no info on where to pick up connecting flights and to get to the proper international terminal I have to walk through a side door located behind a temporary construction wall with no construction going on.
Then I flew to Johannesburg/Jozi/Joburg. On my flight, everyone was watching an episode of Lie to Me. I love this show's concept: Basically a good actor stares down C Listers and analyzes their bad acting. Magically this is woven into the plot. Each exchange ends with this gem:
Tim Roth: Thank you for your assistance
Bad Actor: But I haven't told you anything.
Tim Roth: BUT YOU'VE TOLD ME EVERYTHING!
HAKUNA MATATA: I had one of those classic only-in-America moments in JFK that makes me love my country more than The Dirty Dozen on Memorial Day. Seated at the gate to fly to South Africa were: 3 Argentinian brothers in soccer jumpsuits like the Royal Tenenbaums, a Hasidic Jew wearing crocs and, I swear to God, humping the air at random occasions as a nervous tic, the WASPiest 20-something to ever wrinkly khakis proudly wearing his Onyewu jersey (for the soccer illiterate, Onyewu is the biggest, blackest guy on the US team), a guy in a NASCAR hat and a t-shirt of Arnold Schwarzennegar smoking marijuana, a guitar-wiedling granola girl doing taichi at the airport window, the only guy in America who owns an MLS shirt happy to be rleevant for a month because he knows why Freddy Adu isn't on the squad, and then a horde of Mexicans. And finally, my aisle neighbor on the plane - a young black kid whose only carry-on for the 14 hour flight was an i-pod and two drumsticks.
This is why I love America most - not the republic, not some vision of what it once was or what it might be. All these are noble, but I love it most for what it is, because these people are home.
OH, AFRICA: Customs involved me walking under a sign that read customs. That is all.
TIP ON WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE: Traveler's checks are an anachronism.
JUSTINE'S ADVICE ON SOUTH AFRICA: Leave your expensive laptop at home. Whether it gets stolen or not, there are internet usage limits.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Me vs. Amtrak...The Saga In Summary
Below is a series of e-mails I have exchanged with Amtrak's customer service. What will happen next? Wait for the next episode.
My original message:
Message:
(Late January - Greater DC Area)
Dear Amtrak I am a long-time but soon to be ex-customer. This past weekend, due to frequent Amtrak delays on my trains from Washington DC to New York, I decided to take a bus. However, to get to the bus-stop, I took the local regional MARC train. My MARC train was delayed 30-minutes because the Amtrak train in front of it broke down. Because your train broke down, when I reached Union Station in DC, I had to buy an Amtrak train ticket to get to New York because my bus had already departed. Being the reasonable fellow that I am, I went to Amtrak customer service and requested that you at least discount the modest price of my bus ticket ($25) from the price of the train to New York ($139) that I was forced to take because your train broke down. YOUR AMTRAK CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT TOLD ME MY REQUEST WAS FAIR but that I would have to call an authorized customer service supervisor on your phone line. I did this, and the authorized agent RENEGED on my verbal agreement with your station customer service agent, saying BECAUSE THE TRAIN I WAS ON THAT WAS DELAYED WAS NOT AMTRAK'S, EVEN THOUGH AMTRAK CAUSED THE DELAY, THAT I WAS NOT ELIGIBLE FOR SUCH A REFUND. Let me explain to you why this is a bad business decision by you. You take on negligible variable cost in letting me on your train versus not letting me on. However, because of the shabby treatment, I am unlikely to ever use Amtrak again for my frequent DC to NY trips. This represents a considerable net loss to you, Amtrak. Since you refused my more than reasonable request for a small discount at the point of sale for my trouble, the price to retain my business has gone up and is now a full refund of the ticket price - $139. My reservation # is (withheld). I look forward to a timely resolution of this matter.
AMTRAK'S RESPONSE - FEBRUARY 1:
Dear Customer,
Thank you for contacting Amtrak. We respond to online inquiries 7 days a week between the hours of 8 am and 11 pm (ET). You can expect a response to your inquiry within the next 24 hours.
Please do not reply to this message.
Sincerely,
Amtrak Customer Service
COMMENT: One might think this would lead to a speedy resolution. 24 hour turnaround...well, what did I receive from Amtrak within 24 hours? The following.
Thank you for contacting us.
We have forwarded your e-mail to our Customer Relations Department. They will contact you as soon as possible in the order that the e-mail was received.
Due to a higher than normal volume, it may take up to eight weeks to receive a response to your e-mail. Please be assured your inquiry will be addressed as soon as possible.
If you prefer, you can contact them through our toll free number, 1-800-USA-RAIL (1-800-872-7245). Select the number '0' immediately to avoid the automated information menu, and an agent will transfer your call. The Customer Relations Department is staffed Monday through Friday between 7am -10pm (ET).
Thank you,
Sincerely,
William
Amtrak Customer Service
COMMENT: 8-weeks to reply to an e-mail? Surely they are just setting the bar low so that they can deliver earlier than that. There's no way it takes 8 WEEKS to respond to an e-mail. It's not like their customer relations department is lost in the Brazilian hinterland looking for El Dorado. Many animals have gestation periods shorter than 8 weeks. Nonetheless, here it is, April 3, and Amtrak still hasn't gotten back to me. So here was my response today:
Dear Amtrak "Customer Service"
As you will see, it has now been more than 8 weeks since I contacted you and politely requested just compensation in line with the promises made by your customer service agent. I believe that 8 weeks is more than sufficient for you to make a determination about my request...it it is enough time to decide the national collegiate basketball champion, certainly it is enough time to read an e-mail and submit a refund.
Since making my request, there have already been 3 occasions on which I would have taken Amtrak, but instead took alternate means of transportation because you have not resolved this incident. In other words, you have already lost money thanks to your inability to handle this simple request.
I am willing to wait another 2 weeks. If this matter is not resolved at the end of that time, my asking price will go up, and I will be forced, against my will, to start a facebook group dedicated to Amtrak's poor service that I will only take down when I am justly compensated for my trouble.
I already got their automated, "We'll respond in 24 hours" email again. What will they really say? We'll find out soon.
Below is a series of e-mails I have exchanged with Amtrak's customer service. What will happen next? Wait for the next episode.
My original message:
Message:
(Late January - Greater DC Area)
Dear Amtrak I am a long-time but soon to be ex-customer. This past weekend, due to frequent Amtrak delays on my trains from Washington DC to New York, I decided to take a bus. However, to get to the bus-stop, I took the local regional MARC train. My MARC train was delayed 30-minutes because the Amtrak train in front of it broke down. Because your train broke down, when I reached Union Station in DC, I had to buy an Amtrak train ticket to get to New York because my bus had already departed. Being the reasonable fellow that I am, I went to Amtrak customer service and requested that you at least discount the modest price of my bus ticket ($25) from the price of the train to New York ($139) that I was forced to take because your train broke down. YOUR AMTRAK CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT TOLD ME MY REQUEST WAS FAIR but that I would have to call an authorized customer service supervisor on your phone line. I did this, and the authorized agent RENEGED on my verbal agreement with your station customer service agent, saying BECAUSE THE TRAIN I WAS ON THAT WAS DELAYED WAS NOT AMTRAK'S, EVEN THOUGH AMTRAK CAUSED THE DELAY, THAT I WAS NOT ELIGIBLE FOR SUCH A REFUND. Let me explain to you why this is a bad business decision by you. You take on negligible variable cost in letting me on your train versus not letting me on. However, because of the shabby treatment, I am unlikely to ever use Amtrak again for my frequent DC to NY trips. This represents a considerable net loss to you, Amtrak. Since you refused my more than reasonable request for a small discount at the point of sale for my trouble, the price to retain my business has gone up and is now a full refund of the ticket price - $139. My reservation # is (withheld). I look forward to a timely resolution of this matter.
AMTRAK'S RESPONSE - FEBRUARY 1:
Dear Customer,
Thank you for contacting Amtrak. We respond to online inquiries 7 days a week between the hours of 8 am and 11 pm (ET). You can expect a response to your inquiry within the next 24 hours.
Please do not reply to this message.
Sincerely,
Amtrak Customer Service
COMMENT: One might think this would lead to a speedy resolution. 24 hour turnaround...well, what did I receive from Amtrak within 24 hours? The following.
Thank you for contacting us.
We have forwarded your e-mail to our Customer Relations Department. They will contact you as soon as possible in the order that the e-mail was received.
Due to a higher than normal volume, it may take up to eight weeks to receive a response to your e-mail. Please be assured your inquiry will be addressed as soon as possible.
If you prefer, you can contact them through our toll free number, 1-800-USA-RAIL (1-800-872-7245). Select the number '0' immediately to avoid the automated information menu, and an agent will transfer your call. The Customer Relations Department is staffed Monday through Friday between 7am -10pm (ET).
Thank you,
Sincerely,
William
Amtrak Customer Service
COMMENT: 8-weeks to reply to an e-mail? Surely they are just setting the bar low so that they can deliver earlier than that. There's no way it takes 8 WEEKS to respond to an e-mail. It's not like their customer relations department is lost in the Brazilian hinterland looking for El Dorado. Many animals have gestation periods shorter than 8 weeks. Nonetheless, here it is, April 3, and Amtrak still hasn't gotten back to me. So here was my response today:
Dear Amtrak "Customer Service"
As you will see, it has now been more than 8 weeks since I contacted you and politely requested just compensation in line with the promises made by your customer service agent. I believe that 8 weeks is more than sufficient for you to make a determination about my request...it it is enough time to decide the national collegiate basketball champion, certainly it is enough time to read an e-mail and submit a refund.
Since making my request, there have already been 3 occasions on which I would have taken Amtrak, but instead took alternate means of transportation because you have not resolved this incident. In other words, you have already lost money thanks to your inability to handle this simple request.
I am willing to wait another 2 weeks. If this matter is not resolved at the end of that time, my asking price will go up, and I will be forced, against my will, to start a facebook group dedicated to Amtrak's poor service that I will only take down when I am justly compensated for my trouble.
I already got their automated, "We'll respond in 24 hours" email again. What will they really say? We'll find out soon.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
Best Picture:
- Avatar - Blue Pocahontas Dances With Trees in Jaw-Dropping 3-D
- The Blind Side – Hollywood expanded to 10 nominees so that everyone’s heart-warming, not-so-limousine-liberal movie would get nominated…just so it hurts more, Middle America, when it loses! HAHA! You boosted our ratings, citizens of Des Moines, just so we could party while we crushed your humble dreams. Muahahahahah.
- District 9 – Nice enough race drama sci-fi thing. I always like it when they leave a cliff-hanger when they’re not really planning a sequel. (Note to Peter Jackson - don't make a sequel.)
- An Education – I’m curious if this makes the cut in the old format. Then we’d have a serious problem. If you had to pick an indie-rom-com, why not something more accessible and entertaining like 500 Days of Summer?
- The Hurt Locker – Finally a decent Iraq-war movie
- Inglorious Basterds – Jew-porn. OK, everybody porn. Tarantino’s best.
- Precious – The soulful™ Oprah, in movie semi-documentary format. Tyra Banks’ Semi-Precious to hit theaters Fall 2014.
- A Serious Man – Intellectual Jewish-guilt porn plus my favorite Jefferson Airplane Song (Today)
- Up – Pixar made a movie…actually, it made its best movie.
- Up in the Air – George Clooney made a movie, and it was timely and addresses the situation. Not THE Situation. But that other situation, the one with the 10-20% unemployment.
WILL WIN: Up in the Air. Clooney’s been circling it but I think this is his year
SHOULD WIN: A Serious Man. This one’s really tough for me. It’s not my favorite movie of the year, but it is the most intellectually stimulating, and it’s close to my favorite movie of the year. There are a lot of movies with an earnest claim on this one. I’d really only look askance on District 9, An Education, Hurt Locker, or Precious. And I liked two of those movies.
- Avatar - Blue Pocahontas Dances With Trees in Jaw-Dropping 3-D
- The Blind Side – Hollywood expanded to 10 nominees so that everyone’s heart-warming, not-so-limousine-liberal movie would get nominated…just so it hurts more, Middle America, when it loses! HAHA! You boosted our ratings, citizens of Des Moines, just so we could party while we crushed your humble dreams. Muahahahahah.
- District 9 – Nice enough race drama sci-fi thing. I always like it when they leave a cliff-hanger when they’re not really planning a sequel. (Note to Peter Jackson - don't make a sequel.)
- An Education – I’m curious if this makes the cut in the old format. Then we’d have a serious problem. If you had to pick an indie-rom-com, why not something more accessible and entertaining like 500 Days of Summer?
- The Hurt Locker – Finally a decent Iraq-war movie
- Inglorious Basterds – Jew-porn. OK, everybody porn. Tarantino’s best.
- Precious – The soulful™ Oprah, in movie semi-documentary format. Tyra Banks’ Semi-Precious to hit theaters Fall 2014.
- A Serious Man – Intellectual Jewish-guilt porn plus my favorite Jefferson Airplane Song (Today)
- Up – Pixar made a movie…actually, it made its best movie.
- Up in the Air – George Clooney made a movie, and it was timely and addresses the situation. Not THE Situation. But that other situation, the one with the 10-20% unemployment.
WILL WIN: Up in the Air. Clooney’s been circling it but I think this is his year
SHOULD WIN: A Serious Man. This one’s really tough for me. It’s not my favorite movie of the year, but it is the most intellectually stimulating, and it’s close to my favorite movie of the year. There are a lot of movies with an earnest claim on this one. I’d really only look askance on District 9, An Education, Hurt Locker, or Precious. And I liked two of those movies.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
09-10 Oscars Preview:
Best Director
- Kathryn Bigelow – The only director smart enough to take politics out of her Iraq War movie
- James Cameron – Wow. Welcome back. I wish you didn’t write the script, but it doesn’t matter. Did I say wow already? While I’ve got you’re here…True Lies 2? Arnold will be free soon.
- Lee Daniels – Made Oprah’s movie. Check out photos of this guy…excuse me sir, but Dolemite 2 try-outs were two decades ago.
- Jason Reitman – This movie was all script and acting…but you were there so, yeah. Welcome. That’s Jim…he’s the king of the world.
- Quentin Tarantino – Finally stepped out of his milieu and made something worthwhile
WILL WIN: Jason Reitman. I don’t think they can bring themselves to go Tarantino so I default to ‘Clooney Year’.
SHOULD WIN: James Cameron. Avatar isn’t a great movie if it’s not in 3D. In fact, it could be Golden Compass-esque. But as a directorial achievement, this is everything Titanic was and more. It’s on a level that no one can match now or will match anytime soon.
Best Director
- Kathryn Bigelow – The only director smart enough to take politics out of her Iraq War movie
- James Cameron – Wow. Welcome back. I wish you didn’t write the script, but it doesn’t matter. Did I say wow already? While I’ve got you’re here…True Lies 2? Arnold will be free soon.
- Lee Daniels – Made Oprah’s movie. Check out photos of this guy…excuse me sir, but Dolemite 2 try-outs were two decades ago.
- Jason Reitman – This movie was all script and acting…but you were there so, yeah. Welcome. That’s Jim…he’s the king of the world.
- Quentin Tarantino – Finally stepped out of his milieu and made something worthwhile
WILL WIN: Jason Reitman. I don’t think they can bring themselves to go Tarantino so I default to ‘Clooney Year’.
SHOULD WIN: James Cameron. Avatar isn’t a great movie if it’s not in 3D. In fact, it could be Golden Compass-esque. But as a directorial achievement, this is everything Titanic was and more. It’s on a level that no one can match now or will match anytime soon.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
2010 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED:
The Daniel Day-Lewis Best Actor Award
- Jeff Bridges – The Dude plus guitar, minus White Russians and Walter Sobcheck.
- George Clooney – was in a movie this year (and it was pretty good).
- Colin Firth –Token LGBT-related nomination.
- Morgan Freeman – Morgan Freeman does a good Nelson Mandela impression.
- Jeremy Renner – So, they blew away Guy Pierce before the opening credits?
WILL WIN: George Clooney. Like I said, his year. Bridges is the other strong candidate.
SHOULD WIN: Jeff Bridges. I think Bridges is doing more acting in his movie than Clooney is. I think Clooney always just plays Clooney.
The Daniel Day-Lewis Best Actor Award
- Jeff Bridges – The Dude plus guitar, minus White Russians and Walter Sobcheck.
- George Clooney – was in a movie this year (and it was pretty good).
- Colin Firth –Token LGBT-related nomination.
- Morgan Freeman – Morgan Freeman does a good Nelson Mandela impression.
- Jeremy Renner – So, they blew away Guy Pierce before the opening credits?
WILL WIN: George Clooney. Like I said, his year. Bridges is the other strong candidate.
SHOULD WIN: Jeff Bridges. I think Bridges is doing more acting in his movie than Clooney is. I think Clooney always just plays Clooney.
Monday, February 15, 2010
09-10 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED: MERYL STREEP BEST ACTRESS AWARD
The Meryl Streep Best Actress Award
- Sandra Bullock – You’re the sweetest lady in Hollywood and you made your best movie…but was the movie too conservative to win in Hollywood? We’ll see.
- Helen Mirren – The Queen – that was a good movie. How old are you again? Were you this hot when you were 30? We just wanted you to show up at the Oscars because older English women are so classy.
- Carey Mulligan – No one saw this movie but it’s not a bad nomination. It’s another ‘teen comes of age’ tale set in the early 60’s, so you know all the issues we’re going to re-tread. I imagine this movie grabs the heart of boomer girls looking back on their faded glory. Anyway, as a movie it’s not got much new to say that Al Bundy didn’t handle well enough by slamming Kelly’s dates’ heads into the wall. As for the actress, she has that Juno feel - she’s written stronger than any 16 year old girl has any right to be, probably by a 40-50 year old woman who likes to think she was that witty when she was 16. This has the positive effect of making the dialogue better but makes the character less believable. Anyway, the actress pulls it off well. Try not to win though…you’ve got some talent and we’d hate to lock you in Marissa Tomei’s purgatory.
- Gabourey Sidibe – Good luck with all that.
- Meryl Streep – made a movie this year. The award is named after her after-all. It’s not like she did something silly like taking a role as an Italian romantic in a musical when it’s way outside her range. No great actor or actress is that dumb, right? What do you mean 9? Mamma what now?
WILL WIN: Gabourey Sidibe. Everyone will say they voted for Sandra, but they’ll vote their heart when they get in the booth.
SHOULD WIN: Sandra Bullock. Her year. Weak field.
The Meryl Streep Best Actress Award
- Sandra Bullock – You’re the sweetest lady in Hollywood and you made your best movie…but was the movie too conservative to win in Hollywood? We’ll see.
- Helen Mirren – The Queen – that was a good movie. How old are you again? Were you this hot when you were 30? We just wanted you to show up at the Oscars because older English women are so classy.
- Carey Mulligan – No one saw this movie but it’s not a bad nomination. It’s another ‘teen comes of age’ tale set in the early 60’s, so you know all the issues we’re going to re-tread. I imagine this movie grabs the heart of boomer girls looking back on their faded glory. Anyway, as a movie it’s not got much new to say that Al Bundy didn’t handle well enough by slamming Kelly’s dates’ heads into the wall. As for the actress, she has that Juno feel - she’s written stronger than any 16 year old girl has any right to be, probably by a 40-50 year old woman who likes to think she was that witty when she was 16. This has the positive effect of making the dialogue better but makes the character less believable. Anyway, the actress pulls it off well. Try not to win though…you’ve got some talent and we’d hate to lock you in Marissa Tomei’s purgatory.
- Gabourey Sidibe – Good luck with all that.
- Meryl Streep – made a movie this year. The award is named after her after-all. It’s not like she did something silly like taking a role as an Italian romantic in a musical when it’s way outside her range. No great actor or actress is that dumb, right? What do you mean 9? Mamma what now?
WILL WIN: Gabourey Sidibe. Everyone will say they voted for Sandra, but they’ll vote their heart when they get in the booth.
SHOULD WIN: Sandra Bullock. Her year. Weak field.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Best Supporting Actor
- Matt Damon – tried his best at a South African accent and playing a man-mountain rugby player despite being relatively small
- Woody Harrelson – Was good in Zombieland, but we couldn’t possibly nominate him for that, so we’ll vote for him in that other Iraq movie that no one even knew to see.
- Christopher Plummer – Career nod.
- Stanley Tucci – I’m really upset at the blasphemy that Stanley Tucci will now be known as ‘Oscar Nominee Stanley Tucci’. Because he SUCKS! How does this guy keep getting jobs?
- Christopher Waltz – Came out of nowhere to own a movie so completely that it’s difficult to imagine why anyone else was even nominated.
WILL WIN: Christopher Waltz. It’s by far the stand-out performance of the year. I don’t care if he’s nobody. Un-ignorable.
SHOULD WIN: Waltz. It’s an insult that he’ll be shown on screen for any period of time with the likes of Tucci.
- Matt Damon – tried his best at a South African accent and playing a man-mountain rugby player despite being relatively small
- Woody Harrelson – Was good in Zombieland, but we couldn’t possibly nominate him for that, so we’ll vote for him in that other Iraq movie that no one even knew to see.
- Christopher Plummer – Career nod.
- Stanley Tucci – I’m really upset at the blasphemy that Stanley Tucci will now be known as ‘Oscar Nominee Stanley Tucci’. Because he SUCKS! How does this guy keep getting jobs?
- Christopher Waltz – Came out of nowhere to own a movie so completely that it’s difficult to imagine why anyone else was even nominated.
WILL WIN: Christopher Waltz. It’s by far the stand-out performance of the year. I don’t care if he’s nobody. Un-ignorable.
SHOULD WIN: Waltz. It’s an insult that he’ll be shown on screen for any period of time with the likes of Tucci.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
09-10 Oscars Preview Continued: Best Supporting Actress
Best Supporting Actress
- Penelope Cruz (Nine) – At this point, she’s reached the hotness category where it’s impossible to tell if she’s any good because you’re so enchanted by how gorgeous she is that there’s no divining any acting talent. In an age when there were fewer stars, she’d be our Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was the only saving grace in an otherwise awful movie.
- Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) – Didn’t just hold her own, beat Clooney at his own game. I have to admit, I love Vera Fermiga. I loved her in The Departed. I’m worried she’s getting started too late because she’s really good. She plays a real woman well. There are so few of those parts that get written that I’m worried she’s got no future. Here’s hoping.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart) – David Shula coached the Bengals for a while. Having a famous last name doesn't mean you're any good.
- Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) – Nice job kid. I don’t know if you have a future but I like you.
- Mo’nique (Precious) – Oprah made us do it.
WILL WIN: Farmiga. See “Clooney Year, et al.”
SHOULD WIN: Farmiga. I think this is the year the Oscars gets some things right.
Best Supporting Actress
- Penelope Cruz (Nine) – At this point, she’s reached the hotness category where it’s impossible to tell if she’s any good because you’re so enchanted by how gorgeous she is that there’s no divining any acting talent. In an age when there were fewer stars, she’d be our Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was the only saving grace in an otherwise awful movie.
- Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) – Didn’t just hold her own, beat Clooney at his own game. I have to admit, I love Vera Fermiga. I loved her in The Departed. I’m worried she’s getting started too late because she’s really good. She plays a real woman well. There are so few of those parts that get written that I’m worried she’s got no future. Here’s hoping.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart) – David Shula coached the Bengals for a while. Having a famous last name doesn't mean you're any good.
- Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) – Nice job kid. I don’t know if you have a future but I like you.
- Mo’nique (Precious) – Oprah made us do it.
WILL WIN: Farmiga. See “Clooney Year, et al.”
SHOULD WIN: Farmiga. I think this is the year the Oscars gets some things right.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Oscars 09-10 Preview Continued: All of the "Other" Awards
Best Animated Feature Film
- Coraline – We’re mandated to like this because of the artistry involved…but it wasn’t that good.
- Fantastic Mr. Fox – So, what we said about Coraline…yeah, you too.
- The Princess and the Frog – We’ve got 5 slots here…kind of a throw-back. I mean, thanks for trying.
- The Secret of Kells – Wow, we’re really having trouble coming up with 5 here. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs didn’t hit the spot?
- Up – So, this got nominated for best picture as well. And none of these other movies did. Awkward…
WILL/SHOULD WIN: Up.
Best Original Screenplay (Most names removed since, for the most part, no one cares about the writer)
- The Hurt Locker – Thanks for figuring out that no one wants their Iraq War politics in their Iraq War movie. Now work on your dialogue.
- Quentin Tarantino – Inglorious Basterds – You put a lot of work in. But the Samuel L voice-over? Really?
- The Messenger – Also a movie about Iraq vets. Thank you for playing.
- The Coens – A Serious Man – You guys…you’re good at this. Maybe we can just nominate you for the writing award and pretend we understood your movie? In fact, I’m officially re-naming this award after you. And that’s despite Burn After Reading.
- Up In the Air – Well written, true, but kind of meandering.
WILL WIN: Up In The Air – Has that “Hollywood Cares About the Headlines” feel.
SHOULD WIN: Tarantino. It’s close. The Coens rocked it and there’s something to be said for Up in the Air’s script. But I like that this script took its time. Also, I have to say...I really thought, all along, that some modicum of historical accuracy would be preserved. Much to everyone's delight, it was not.
Best Documentary
A bunch of movies you didn’t see.
Best Foreign Language Film
(See Best Documentary)
Best Original Score
Nothing comes to mind.
Best Song
No one makes good songs for movies any more
Best Visual Effects/Cinematography
Avatar. It’s kind of hard to ignore that ‘revolutionize the industry’ thing.
I'm told there are other categories. Can’t we just move them to that ceremony they hold on the previous day?
Best Animated Feature Film
- Coraline – We’re mandated to like this because of the artistry involved…but it wasn’t that good.
- Fantastic Mr. Fox – So, what we said about Coraline…yeah, you too.
- The Princess and the Frog – We’ve got 5 slots here…kind of a throw-back. I mean, thanks for trying.
- The Secret of Kells – Wow, we’re really having trouble coming up with 5 here. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs didn’t hit the spot?
- Up – So, this got nominated for best picture as well. And none of these other movies did. Awkward…
WILL/SHOULD WIN: Up.
Best Original Screenplay (Most names removed since, for the most part, no one cares about the writer)
- The Hurt Locker – Thanks for figuring out that no one wants their Iraq War politics in their Iraq War movie. Now work on your dialogue.
- Quentin Tarantino – Inglorious Basterds – You put a lot of work in. But the Samuel L voice-over? Really?
- The Messenger – Also a movie about Iraq vets. Thank you for playing.
- The Coens – A Serious Man – You guys…you’re good at this. Maybe we can just nominate you for the writing award and pretend we understood your movie? In fact, I’m officially re-naming this award after you. And that’s despite Burn After Reading.
- Up In the Air – Well written, true, but kind of meandering.
WILL WIN: Up In The Air – Has that “Hollywood Cares About the Headlines” feel.
SHOULD WIN: Tarantino. It’s close. The Coens rocked it and there’s something to be said for Up in the Air’s script. But I like that this script took its time. Also, I have to say...I really thought, all along, that some modicum of historical accuracy would be preserved. Much to everyone's delight, it was not.
Best Documentary
A bunch of movies you didn’t see.
Best Foreign Language Film
(See Best Documentary)
Best Original Score
Nothing comes to mind.
Best Song
No one makes good songs for movies any more
Best Visual Effects/Cinematography
Avatar. It’s kind of hard to ignore that ‘revolutionize the industry’ thing.
I'm told there are other categories. Can’t we just move them to that ceremony they hold on the previous day?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
2009-10 Oscars Preview Continued:BIGGEST SNUBS, WORST NOMINATIONS
BIGGEST SNUB:
- Brad Pitt – Best Supporting Actor – Inglorious Basterds. Look, it was fun. And it’s Brad Pitt. And we need another awkward brangelina/aniston moment. Big miss. (Still pulling for Jennifer).
- Michael Stulbarg – Best Actor – A Serious Man. This guy carried a difficult role. Credit is due.
- Fred Melamed – Best Supporting Actor – A Serious Man. If you’ve seen this movie, you will remember Sy Ableman for the rest of your life.
- Robert Downey Jr. – Best Actor – Sherlock Holmes. I just like having him around. Come on. If we don’t nominate him for things, he’ll do something silly…like cocaine…or The Soloist.
- Matt Damon – Best Actor – The Informant! Unlike his unremarkable turn in Invictus, this was a difficult role, less foreign accent, that I thought he carried well.
- Woody Harrelson – Best Supporting Actor – Zombieland. This movie is worthless without him; a cute script with low-wattage acting (except for the Bill Murray cameo, which was priceless).
- The Hangover – Best Original Screenplay. Come on; it’s a genius idea, and half the people I know now call each other reTARDS.
THE WINNER IS: Michael Stulbarg. Pitt and Melamed don’t have enough screen time. Harrelson and Damon were nominated for other, lesser performances. A low brow comedy script is never getting nominated for anything. Which leaves us with Stulbarg, who is the nobody who deserved a nod instead of the annual LGBT-token nod.
WORST NOMINATION:
- Stanley Tucci. I didn’t see The Lovely Bones. But COME ON! Stanley Tucci? He has to be either the president of the LGBT mafia or the grand wizard of Scientology because he’s got nothing to offer.
- Colin Firth. The voting isn’t done by professionals. It’s done by members of the academy. Now, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but there’s a lot of gay folks in LA. But honestly, by voting for everything gay for awards, they’re hurting themselves. It just adds to the stereotype that gay people are nothing beyond their sexual identity. And it wastes our time at the academy awards, because Colin (Insert Last Name Here) gets nominated instead of someone deserving. It’s as trite and offensive as terming everything insipid or distasteful ‘gay’. This nomination is gay.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal. I know your brother’s famous…but you’re just not very good at this. How much longer are you going to go on playing the girl in other people’s movies? Someone with talent might actually do something with one of these roles.
- An Education. The actress was good. The movie was not.
- Christopher Plummer. You are an old guy who is good at acting. You just played Leo Tolstoy…he’s famous too, you know. Normally, we would have given you an award by now. But we got mixed up by that whole Dumbledore actor dying thing. Anyway…look, we’re sorry we gave you mostly B-roles up till now. We do that to character actors. So, does this even things up?
WINNER IS: Stanley Tucci. Tucci is like Jamal Lewis, without the heyday. Why is he still getting reps?
BIGGEST SNUB:
- Brad Pitt – Best Supporting Actor – Inglorious Basterds. Look, it was fun. And it’s Brad Pitt. And we need another awkward brangelina/aniston moment. Big miss. (Still pulling for Jennifer).
- Michael Stulbarg – Best Actor – A Serious Man. This guy carried a difficult role. Credit is due.
- Fred Melamed – Best Supporting Actor – A Serious Man. If you’ve seen this movie, you will remember Sy Ableman for the rest of your life.
- Robert Downey Jr. – Best Actor – Sherlock Holmes. I just like having him around. Come on. If we don’t nominate him for things, he’ll do something silly…like cocaine…or The Soloist.
- Matt Damon – Best Actor – The Informant! Unlike his unremarkable turn in Invictus, this was a difficult role, less foreign accent, that I thought he carried well.
- Woody Harrelson – Best Supporting Actor – Zombieland. This movie is worthless without him; a cute script with low-wattage acting (except for the Bill Murray cameo, which was priceless).
- The Hangover – Best Original Screenplay. Come on; it’s a genius idea, and half the people I know now call each other reTARDS.
THE WINNER IS: Michael Stulbarg. Pitt and Melamed don’t have enough screen time. Harrelson and Damon were nominated for other, lesser performances. A low brow comedy script is never getting nominated for anything. Which leaves us with Stulbarg, who is the nobody who deserved a nod instead of the annual LGBT-token nod.
WORST NOMINATION:
- Stanley Tucci. I didn’t see The Lovely Bones. But COME ON! Stanley Tucci? He has to be either the president of the LGBT mafia or the grand wizard of Scientology because he’s got nothing to offer.
- Colin Firth. The voting isn’t done by professionals. It’s done by members of the academy. Now, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but there’s a lot of gay folks in LA. But honestly, by voting for everything gay for awards, they’re hurting themselves. It just adds to the stereotype that gay people are nothing beyond their sexual identity. And it wastes our time at the academy awards, because Colin (Insert Last Name Here) gets nominated instead of someone deserving. It’s as trite and offensive as terming everything insipid or distasteful ‘gay’. This nomination is gay.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal. I know your brother’s famous…but you’re just not very good at this. How much longer are you going to go on playing the girl in other people’s movies? Someone with talent might actually do something with one of these roles.
- An Education. The actress was good. The movie was not.
- Christopher Plummer. You are an old guy who is good at acting. You just played Leo Tolstoy…he’s famous too, you know. Normally, we would have given you an award by now. But we got mixed up by that whole Dumbledore actor dying thing. Anyway…look, we’re sorry we gave you mostly B-roles up till now. We do that to character actors. So, does this even things up?
WINNER IS: Stanley Tucci. Tucci is like Jamal Lewis, without the heyday. Why is he still getting reps?
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
2009-10 Oscars Preview Continued: Underrated Movies, Most Outlandish Movie Review, and Most Practical Lesson Learned from a Movie Gunfight
UNDERRATED MOVIES:
The Taking of Pelham 123, The Informant!
MOST OUTLANDISH MOVIE REVIEW OF THE YEAR:
Wa-Po Drops the Nazi Bomb on Transformers 2.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/23/AR2009062303462.html
Don’t believe me? It begins as follows: “With its fascist sensibility, assortment of smutty asides, illiterate gold-tooth-wearing homie robots and the hero's brainless mother, much of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is simply despicable. So complaining about one's physical discomfort seems petty. But given the relentless din, the Leni Riefenstahl-inspired music and the headache-inducing visuals, OSHA should probably be investigating the conditions under which human beings made this thing. Or the conditions under which they watch it.”
A simple 'no stars' would suffice. It’s Transformers 2, not Triumph of the Will.
MOST PRACTICAL LESSON LEARNED FROM A MOVIE GUNFIGHT:
From The International - Bring an assault rifle with you to any art show you might attend. Apparently cops don’t like art. Hence, there are apparently no available police in New York City to respond to a raging 20-30 minute tactical assault on the Guggenheim. So come armed. Otherwise, you will have brought a knife-like aesthetic sensibility to a gunfight.
UNDERRATED MOVIES:
The Taking of Pelham 123, The Informant!
MOST OUTLANDISH MOVIE REVIEW OF THE YEAR:
Wa-Po Drops the Nazi Bomb on Transformers 2.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/23/AR2009062303462.html
Don’t believe me? It begins as follows: “With its fascist sensibility, assortment of smutty asides, illiterate gold-tooth-wearing homie robots and the hero's brainless mother, much of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is simply despicable. So complaining about one's physical discomfort seems petty. But given the relentless din, the Leni Riefenstahl-inspired music and the headache-inducing visuals, OSHA should probably be investigating the conditions under which human beings made this thing. Or the conditions under which they watch it.”
A simple 'no stars' would suffice. It’s Transformers 2, not Triumph of the Will.
MOST PRACTICAL LESSON LEARNED FROM A MOVIE GUNFIGHT:
From The International - Bring an assault rifle with you to any art show you might attend. Apparently cops don’t like art. Hence, there are apparently no available police in New York City to respond to a raging 20-30 minute tactical assault on the Guggenheim. So come armed. Otherwise, you will have brought a knife-like aesthetic sensibility to a gunfight.
Monday, February 08, 2010
TOP 10 DISAPPOINTING FILMS OF 2009:
10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wes Anderson has jumped the jaguar shark and there’s no turning back.
9. Taking Woodstock – This movie is not about Woodstock. It’s Brokeback Mountain: the Woodstock Years. Here’s a clue…if you’re going to make a movie about Woodstock, maybe some music would be appropriate? I get it Mr. Lee. You’re gay. Can we move on?
8. Away We Go – I know we all love Jim from The Office. But without Dwight and Michael around to make fun of, he's just some guy.
7. G.I. Joe – Failed to meet even my modest expectations (I was a He-Man kid). It’s just astounding that this movie came out AFTER Team America World Police…my friend Greg pointed this out mid-movie…how do you make a parody’s source material after the parody has already come out?
6. Watchmen – 15 months of previews for a lot of naked blue dude. I guess it's nice that reactionary politics finally have an outlet...What's a radio?
5. Terminator: Salvation – For the record, McG and I are also done professionally.
4. Nine – If DDL is going to stop cobbling shoes for a movie, it better not be a tedious musical tearing down Fellini.
3. Where the Wild Things Are – This actually is a pretty decent movie. Still, I can’t help but be disappointed. I loved this book. Spike Jonze has unrealized potential. James Gandolfini is Tony Soprano. There was a lot this movie could have been. Instead, it was above average.
2. Pirate Radio – This movie is almost an accomplishment in being so much less than the sum of its parts. You take pretty much every hilarious English actor, you put them on a boat with PSH, and you try to make a hymn to how good music was in the 60’s. Then you have Kenneth Brannaugh to tear it up as the bad guy and a cameo of January Jones in all her radiant glory. How is it possible that this movie was so painfully bad?
1. Public Enemies – It’s hard to go from “This will be the best movie of the year,” to “I fell asleep." Ultimately, Depp's just not the man to play Dillinger and Bale didn't have a character.
10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wes Anderson has jumped the jaguar shark and there’s no turning back.
9. Taking Woodstock – This movie is not about Woodstock. It’s Brokeback Mountain: the Woodstock Years. Here’s a clue…if you’re going to make a movie about Woodstock, maybe some music would be appropriate? I get it Mr. Lee. You’re gay. Can we move on?
8. Away We Go – I know we all love Jim from The Office. But without Dwight and Michael around to make fun of, he's just some guy.
7. G.I. Joe – Failed to meet even my modest expectations (I was a He-Man kid). It’s just astounding that this movie came out AFTER Team America World Police…my friend Greg pointed this out mid-movie…how do you make a parody’s source material after the parody has already come out?
6. Watchmen – 15 months of previews for a lot of naked blue dude. I guess it's nice that reactionary politics finally have an outlet...What's a radio?
5. Terminator: Salvation – For the record, McG and I are also done professionally.
4. Nine – If DDL is going to stop cobbling shoes for a movie, it better not be a tedious musical tearing down Fellini.
3. Where the Wild Things Are – This actually is a pretty decent movie. Still, I can’t help but be disappointed. I loved this book. Spike Jonze has unrealized potential. James Gandolfini is Tony Soprano. There was a lot this movie could have been. Instead, it was above average.
2. Pirate Radio – This movie is almost an accomplishment in being so much less than the sum of its parts. You take pretty much every hilarious English actor, you put them on a boat with PSH, and you try to make a hymn to how good music was in the 60’s. Then you have Kenneth Brannaugh to tear it up as the bad guy and a cameo of January Jones in all her radiant glory. How is it possible that this movie was so painfully bad?
1. Public Enemies – It’s hard to go from “This will be the best movie of the year,” to “I fell asleep." Ultimately, Depp's just not the man to play Dillinger and Bale didn't have a character.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
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