No Gimmick Needed

2009-11-08T18:25:00.001-08:00

Rolling Out the FULL 90's REVIEW:

I've been hard at work on the full 90's review. I'll roll out a few categories every day, leading up to our actual top 25 movies of the decade.

Today: The Top 10 Bad Guys of the 90's, The Top 25 Scenes, and the award for best soundtrack of the 90's.

Top 10 Bad Guys of the 90's:
1. Hannibal Lecter – The Silence of the Lambs
2. Magua – Last of the Mohicans
3. Dr. Evil – Austin Powers/Austin Powers 2
4. The Scream Guy – Scream
5. Bob Sugar – Jerry Maguire
6. Evil T-1000 – Terminator 2
7. Lumberg – Office Space
8. The Dane – Miller’s Crossing
9. Shooter McGavin – Happy Gilmore
10. Castor Troy – Face/Off

The Top 25 Scenes of the 90's:
1. Christopher Walken vs Dennis Hopper – True Romance
2. The Hoola-Hoop – The Hudsucker Proxy
3. Look In Your Heart - Miller’s Crossing
4. Normandy – Saving Private Ryan
5. Verbal Kent = Kaiser Soze – The Usual Suspects
6. Happy Gilmore vs. Bob Barker – Happy Gilmore
7. You Can’t Handle The Truth! – A Few Good Men
8. You Had Me At Hello – Jerry Maguire
9. Pacino v. DeNiro – Heat
10. T-Rex Comes - Jurassic Park
11. Do You Like Scary Movies? – Scream
12. Are You Sure? I’m Positive – My Cousin Vinny
13. The Lobby Fight – The Matrix
14. Rudy’s Sack – Rudy
15. Doc Holliday Mocks Gun Acrobatics – Tombstone
16. Who’s Coming With Me – Jerry Maguire
17. Mercutio’s Death – Romeo + Juliet
18. Specks Kisses Wendy Peffercorn – Sandlot
19. Magua Cuts Out Greyhair’s Heart – Last of the Mohicans
20. The Final Heist – Bottle Rocket
21. JFK Assassination Explanation – JFK
22. Woody Harrelson Throws It Down – White Men Can’t Jump
23. Motorcycle Chase – Terminator 2: Judgment Day
24. I Killed My Sale – Tommy Boy
25. The Aliens Blow Up the White House – Independence Day / The Aliens Attack – Mars Attacks

The Award for Best Soundtrack (music had to be created for movie)
Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
Good Will Hunting
The Hudsucker Proxy
Last of the Mohicans
Rudy
THE WINNER: Last of the Mohicans

2009-10-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

1999 In Film: A Listless Decade Waddles to a Close

Just a note, I'm taking a break, then I'll come up with my decade in review practice.

1999
TOP GROSSING
1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
2. The Sixth Sense
3. Toy Story 2
4. The Matrix
5. Tarzan
6. The Mummy
7. Notting Hill
8. The World Is Not Enough
9. American Beauty
10. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

COMMENT: The 90’s end with George Lucas’ vigorous destruction of everyone from the 70’s childhood and a few quite good tech films like The Matrix and the Mummy. You can see where the Otts are headed.
WHAT WERE WE THINKING: The World Is Not Enough. This is the other bad Brosnan Bond movie before the last one.

ACADEMY AWARDS:
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: American Beauty, The Cider House Rules, The Green Mile, The Insider, The Sixth Sense
Best Picture: American Beauty
Best Director: Sam Mendes - American Beauty
Best Actor: Kevin Spacey - American Beauty
Best Actress: Hilary Swank - Boys Don't Cry
Best Supporting Actor: Michael Caine - The Cider House Rules
Best Supporting Actress: Angelina Jolie - Girl, Interrupted
COMMENT: Hollywood puts its foot down – political movies are the only kind of art. And Angelina gets a pre-emptive academy award.

THE REAL TOP 10:
1. Fight Club
2. Office Space
3. The Matrix
4. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
5. The Thomas Crowne Affair
6. Eyes Wide Shut
7. The Sixth Sense
8. South Park
9. The Blair Witch Project
10. Payback

MOST OVERRATED: American Beauty, Being John Malkovich, The Boondock Saints, Magnolia
Let me explain. I liked American Beauty the first time I saw it. I thought it was brilliant. I was 18. The girl I went with said her dad did the same thing with her friends. Anyway, I grew up. It’s not brilliant. It’s an artifact of late teenage despair. What I don’t get is why grown adults think it’s brilliant. Are they still 18 inside? Anyway, let’s not pretend this was a great film. It wears its ideas on its sleeve. The floating bag is trite, the notion that all the gay people are normal, the conservative is gay, and the straight couple is jacked up is the distilled essence of all the standard ‘non-standard’ thought of the time. It is a relic of the counter-culture-as-culture mindset. As for the others, Being John Malkovich is better on paper than in execution, like most Spike Jonze movies, overthought. Boondock Saints is one of the growing fad of ‘because its cool’ movies. I like Irish accents, but this just didn’t do it for me. Magnolia I remember being regarded as a big deal, but in retrospect, it is tedious and unwatchable.
MOST INFLUENTIAL: Fight Club
MOST 90’s: American Beauty
SHOULD HAVE SEEN: The Insider
SLEEPER/CULT HIT: Office Space
TOLERABLE ROM-COM OF THE YEAR: Notting Hill
BEST LINE (IN A BAD MOVIE): Tie.
- The Muse, “Are you a lesbian?” “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.” “Oh, come on, dignify it with a no.”
- The World Is Not Enough, “I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”
BEST SCENE: Samuel L. gets eaten by a shark in the middle of his Deep Blue Sea inspirational speech.
SHAMELESS PROFITEERING: You might wonder why Analyze This and Mickey Blue Eyes both came out this year. Both of these movies are fairly funny movies about regular Joes getting mixed up with gangsters. The Sopranos started this year. For shame sirs. This makes me wonder – is Hollywood secretly sitting on all the good scripts, waiting for some reason to cheapen them by making them seem like quick profiteering schemes?
BEST SEQUEL: Austin Powers 2, Toy Story 2.
IMPLAUSIBLE PLOT TWIST IN HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE: So football players go to a strip club the night before a game, and we’re supposed to hate the coach because of their rampant irresponsibility?
TOTALLY IMPLAUSIBLE PLOT IN HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE: She’s All That. Let’s get this straight, Freddie Prinze, Jr. is well-liked…because he’s a soccer star and honors student. Because that sounds a) like America and b) likely for Freddie Prinze Jr. So then his high school girlfriend leaves him for a reality TV star she met at spring break…because a) high school girls go to spring break and b) that’s legal. So he makes some bizarre bet that anyone can be his girl friend and his best friend has to pick the least hot girl to turn into a decent girl friend. And his best friend picks the girl who, if she were to take her glasses off, is a model. Not even Paul Walker is that stupid. Everyone knows, in that situation, you pick the fatty. There’s not even a debate. The fatty. This was a Saved By the Bell episode. They picked the fatty. How else do you learn a lesson? The lesson in this movie is, "If a cute girl takes her glasses off, she's cute." The point is supposed to be to pick a physically unattractive person and teach us all about not being so shallow. Instead, Freddie Prinz Jr. teaches us, "You may not think you're hot, but you are."
HEADED THE WRONG DIRECTION: Comedy. Big Daddy begins Adam Sandler’s listless quest for mediocrity. The Man on the Moon hammers home Jim Carey’s already overlong quest for self…or an Oscar. Neither showed up.
HEADED IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS: Renee Zellweger chases Chris O’Donnell in ‘The Bachelor’. Unlikely that'll happen again.
GOING TOGETHER IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS: Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon hook up in Cruel Intentions. I could have told her then this was a bad career decision.
WE SHOULD BE DONE HERE: The Runaway Bride. Apparently people will pay 150 million dollars to relive Pretty Woman. Richard Gere should have gone away by now.
WE REALLY ARE DONE HERE: Kevin Costner - For Love of the Game, Message in a Bottle. Not even a desperate attempt to recapture Field of Dreams pays off…I guess Kevin can sympathize with being washed up and alone. The message in the bottle says, “it’s over.”
YEP, THAT WAS A BAD HALF DECADE: Arnold’s “End of Days”. A little too close to home with that title.
SHOULDN’T WE HAVE STARTED HERE: South Park creators finally make a South Park movie.
IT WAS A BAD YEAR: Matthew Broderick. The alarmingly tedious Election vies with Inspector Gadget for a career quickly slipping into ‘standing next to Sarah Jessica Parker’ status.
WHY DIDN’T THAT WORK: Wild, Wild West.
CAN WE TRADE THIS BROSNAN MOVIE FOR THAT ONE: Is there some reason The Thomas Crowne Affair wasn’t just declared The James Bond Affair, and then we could be spared 1-2 further bad Bond films. It’s light years better than The World Is Not Enough.
KILLING ALL GOOD WILL FROM THAT ONE SONG: An American Tail: The Mystery of the Night Monster. Fivel sells out.
I HAVE TO SAY: Everytime I see the title ‘Love Stinks’ I think of the deodorant commercial. “Love Stinks, Arid Works.”
I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY: Sleepy Hollow. Tim Burton does these sorts of things.
BEST INAD…WAIT, CHECK THAT, ALARMINGLY EXPLICIT TITLES: Just A Little Harmless Sex, The Loss of Sexual Innocence, The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human,
BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES: Anywhere But Here, Better Than Chocolate, The Bone Collector, In Too Deep, Dick, Sweet and Low Down, Why Not Me?

2009-09-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

1998 in Film: Another Year of a Nation Without Direction

This is about to get ugly. Those with a sense of artistic decency should avert their eyes.
TOP GROSSING
1. Armageddon – Passably fun disaster movie – in the end, things don’t go boom.
2. Saving Private Ryan – Spielberg rocks the first 20, then steals the rest from better war movies
3. Godzilla – A childhood icon gutted and turned into an overlarge iguana.
4. There’s Something About Mary – Funny movie.
5. A Bug’s Life – Ho-hum computer animation. Family attendance compulsory.
6. Deep Impact – Not so fun disaster movie – things go boom. Climax: climb a hill.
7. Mulan – Less than ho-hum old school animation. Family attendance still compulsory
8. Dr. Doolittle – Eddie Murphy’s selling out begins
9. Shakespeare in Love – No complaints
10. Lethal Weapon 4 – Jet Li was a better addition than Joe Pesci. My favorite thing about the Lethal Weapon movies, as Chris points out, is that apparently there are no black or hispanic drug dealers in Los Angeles.

Academy Awards:
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, Life is Beautiful, Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line
Best Picture: Shakespeare in Love
Best Director: Steven Spielberg - Saving Private Ryan
Best Actor: Roberto Benigni - Life Is Beautiful
Best Actress: Gwyneth Paltrow - Shakespeare in Love
Best Supporting Actor: James Coburn - Affliction
Best Supporting Actress: Judi Dench - Shakespeare in Love
Best Foreign Language Film: Life Is Beautiful (La vita è bella), directed by Roberto Benigni, Italy
HOW BANAL CAN WE BE: Three movies about WW2, two movies about late renaissance England.

THE REAL TOP 10:
1. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
2. The Big Lebowski
3. The Wedding Singer
4. Rushmore
5. Shakespeare In Love
6. There’s Something About Mary
7. A Civil Action
8. Life Is Beautiful
9. Rounders
10. Saving Private Ryan
OVERRATED MOVIES:
- American History X. Social issues movies always age poorly.
- The Truman Show. High concept usually ages poorly as well.
- Saving Private Ryan. 20-minutes of epic footage does not a movie make.
- Out of Sight. We’re all supposed to like this movie because it’s about George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez being cool. So they are; it's still not a good movie.
UNDERRATED MOVIES:
- A Civil Action. I’m not much for crusading lawyer movies, but absent the Grisham hype, this movie quietly was much better than the bizarrely popular early-90’s adaptations that tore up the box office.
- Dead Man on Campus. After Jessica Spano pounded the stake into the heart of Saved by the Bell that had been placed there by The College Years, Zach quietly made a pretty funny movie.
- Dirty Work. I will always wish Norm McDonald had a career. Guy kills me.
CHARACTER OF THE YEAR: Jesus – The Big Lebowski. Close runner-up: Cliff – Dead Man On Campus.
TOP 10 REASONS THIS WAS A BAD YEAR FOR MOVIES:
1. Lingering 90’s detritus that refuse to go away – 1 too many sequels (at least): 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, An American Tail: The Treasure of Manhattan, Major League: Back to the Minors, Dennis the Menace Strikes Again, Halloween: H20, Species II. Bride of Chucky almost seems reasonable.
2. Bad remakes and conversions: Blue Brothers 2000, The Avengers, The Mask of Zorro
3. Waste of Talent: BASEketball, Vince Vaughn in the Psycho remake
4. Bad, Purely Political Movies: Bulworth, Primary Colors.
5. Lazy Animation Cash Cows: Antz, A Bug’s Life, Mulan, The Prince of Egypt
6. Forced to Pretend Movies About Writers are Interesting: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I like Johnny Depp as much as the next guy, but come on. Hunter S. Thompson’s ‘style’ was to get drunk and high and send in his notes because he couldn’t finish. A pox on what he did to writing.
7. Ethan Hawke continues to make movies in a misguided attempt to be taken seriously as a literary figure: Great Expectations.
8. Godzilla is a rancid disappointment
9. Pretending a foreign movie is good: Run, Lola, Run.
10. Attempted RomCom Sequel : You’ve Got Mail.
MOVIES I SHOULD HAVE SEEN: A Night at the Roxbury, Apt Pupil, Enemy of the State, Half Baked, Ronin
MOVIES I WANT TO LIKE: He Got Game, Meet Joe Black
I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED: After Chris Tucker ruined the Fifth Element, they give him a whole film to be annoying in (Rush Hour) and it’s actually pretty good.
PASSABLE ROMANTIC COMEDIES: Shakespeare in Love AND The Wedding Singer AND There’s Something About Mary.
GOOD BAD GUY: Jet Li made Lethal Weapon 4.
WORST MOVIE REVIEW: The guy who wrote the I Still Know What You Did Last Summer review I read didn’t sit through the whole movie and called out a supposed plot hole, that they get the capital of Brazil wrong, which is in fact explained at the end. If your job is to review movies, don’t you think you should at least sit through the whole thing?
BEST MOVIE REVIEW: As I walked out of the dollar theater where I watched The Thin Red Line, some Sacramentan said to no one in particular, “Three hours of fruit bats. Some war flick.”
BEST TITLE: What could beat How Stella Got Her Groove Back? Simple: Ultraman Tiga and Ultraman Dyna: Warriors of the Light.
90’S-EST MOVIE: You’ve Got Mail. What’s this new fangled internet business? Woof. How’s AOL’s stock doing these days anyway? Can’t Hardly Wait – good effort, but still a little too relevant.
MOVIES THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT AT THE TIME AND INVOLVED ‘THINGS’: Wild Things, Very Bad Things
MOVIES THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT AT THE TIME NOT INVOLVING THINGS: Waterboy, X-Files
BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES: Deep Impact, Dirty Work, Great Expectations, He Got Game, I Got the Hook-Up, No Looking Back, Slappy and the Stinkers, The Thin Red Line, The X Files.

2009-09-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

TOP GROSSING
1. Titanic
2. The Lost World: Jurassic Park
3. Men in Black
4. Tomorrow Never Dies
5. Air Force One
6. As Good as It Gets
7. Liar Liar
8. My Best Friend’s Wedding
9. The Fifth Element
10. The Full Monty

Oscars Winners
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: Titanic, As Good as It Gets, The Full Monty, Good Will Hunting, L.A. Confidential
Best Picture: Titanic - 20th Century Fox, Lightstorm Entertainment, Paramount Pictures
Best Director: James Cameron - Titanic
Best Actor: Jack Nicholson - As Good as It Gets
Best Actress: Helen Hunt - As Good as It Gets
Best Supporting Actor: Robin Williams - Good Will Hunting
Best Supporting Actress: Kim Basinger - L.A. Confidential

TOP 10:
1. LA Confidential
2. Liar Liar
3. Austin Powers
4. Good Will Hunting
5. Starship Troopers
6. Men In Black
7. The Full Monty
8. Face/Off
9. Con Air
10. As Good As It Gets
COMMENT: I was tempted to put in the re-release of The Empire Strikes Back because that is not a strong top 10. True story: the guy sitting in front of me hummed the entire soundtrack and cried when Han Solo was frozen.

MOST INFLUENTIAL: None. Titanic sank everything else.
MOST OVERRATED: Titanic. Honestly, did anyone see this movie a second time? Does anyone watch the DVD version? Yes, it’s a technical achievement to rebuild the thing. No, it’s not an entertaining movie. I think this was the movie where I realized what a “Larry” was…as we were walking out, some dad said to his son, “The important thing is…he never let go.” I wonder how long it took that kid to figure out his dad was a weiner.
MOST OVERRATED (INDY VERSION): Chasing Amy. I did see this Kevin Smith movie. It’s not that good. Deal with it.
MOVIE THAT BEST TYPIFIES THE 90’S: Chasing Amy.
MOVIE THAT I WISH COULD ONLY HAPPEN IN THE 90’S: Spice World
STEVE…STEVE…PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF: Amistad
YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO AMISTAD AND FARM YOUR MONEY MOVIE OUT TO THE INTERNS: The Lost World: Jurassic Park.
MOVIES THAT SEEMED LIKE A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME: The Saint, Rocketman, Face/Off. I loved Face/Off as a teen. I tried rewatching it recently and realized it was a B movie. Who knew?
MOVIES THAT HAVE AGED WELL: I knew Starship Troopers was a B movie at the time. If you watch it again, you find a surprisingly entertaining movie. Plus it opened the door for Neil Patrick Harris’s turn in How I Met Your Mother.
MOVIE I VAGUELY RECALL LIKING BUT CAN’T BE SURE OF: Suicide Kings
PASSABLE ROMANTIC COMEDY OF THE YEAR: As Good As It Gets
IT SEEMS LIKE WE’RE DONE HERE: Batman & Robin. Both Arnold and Batman get put on time out. Chris O’Donnell had a career by the way. You might have missed that otherwise.
YES, WE ARE DONE HERE: Kevin Costner in The Postman.
DEVASTATING CASTING: Chris Tucker in the Fifth Element. Everything up to that point was shaping up to be a great film. Then the director asked the Dumb and Dumber question, “Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?” and answered with Chris Tucker’s character.
I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Grosse Pointe Blank, Gattaca
WHY DON’T YOU BE MORE FUNNY?: Beverly Hills Ninja.
WORST DECISION: Capitalizing on the popularity of South Park, Orgazmo gets made?
MOVIE YOU FORGOT HAPPENED: Tomorrow Never Dies. Between the reintroduction of Bond and the awful invisible car, they made that one with Michelle Yeow. It certainly slipped my mind.
MOVIES I SHOULD HAVE SEEN: Boogie Nights, Seven Years in Tibet, Spawn
BEST SEQUEL: Scream 2
WORST SEQUELS: Jurassic Park 2, Speed 2: Cruise Control. If Keanu Reeves won’t sign-on post A Walk in the Clouds and Johnny Mnemonic, chances are that there are script problems.
FAVORITE MOMENT: The pandas as the Fierce Creatures zoo are out of order.
FAVORITE LINE: “This is nothing,” Wag the Dog.
BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES: All Over Me, Double Team (Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme AND Dennis Rodman no less), Excess Baggage, In & Out, Love Jones

2009-09-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

1996 - A New Dawn

Top Grossing
1. Independence Day
2. Twister
3. Mission: Impossible
4. Jerry Maguire
5. Ransom
6. 101 Dalmatians
7. The Rock
8. The Nutty Professor
9. The Birdcage
10. A Time to Kill

WHAT WERE WE THINKING AWARD: The Birdcage. Inexplicable.

ACADEMY AWARDS
BEST PICTURE NOMINEE: The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Secrets & Lies, Shine
Best Picture: The English Patient
Best Director: Anthony Minghella - The English Patient
Best Actor: Geoffrey Rush - Shine
Best Actress: Frances McDormand - Fargo
Best Supporting Actor: Cuba Gooding Jr. - Jerry Maguire
Best Supporting Actress: Juliette Binoche - The English Patient
WE KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING BUT STILL, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING: I liken The English Patient’s victory to the Raiders’ drafting of Jamarcus Russell #1 overall. It has the tools, it just can’t play ball. Everyone knows it is going to happen, everyone knows it is a mistake, all are powerless to stop it, none can explain it afterwards. Hollywood just can’t help itself, despite the presence of two vastly superior films (Fargo, Jerry Maguire).

DISTURBING TREND: The marketing of academy awards slots comes into full view with the despicable inclusion of Secrets & Lies AND Shine. If you’re unfamiliar, academy members get copies and get told ‘this is a piece of art’.

REAL TOP 10:
1. Jerry Maguire
2. Bottle Rocket
3. Fargo
4. Happy Gilmore
5. Scream
6. Romeo + Juliet
7. Courage Under Fire
8. Independence Day
9. The Rock
10. Evita

This wasn’t a deep year, but those are some good films. A lot of new talent fills the gap – Wes Anderson, Cameron Crowe, the Coens hit the big time, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ewan MacGregor break through.

MOST INFLUENTIAL: Scream. Tough call, Bottle Rocket’s really come on for indy-films and introducing Wes Anderson. And Independence Day and Twister created a whole new $$ game. But Scream recreated the horror genre for the next decade.
BETTER THAN YOU THINK: The Great White Hype, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Multiplicity, Space Jam. With the 90’s falling apart, these were all good movies that deserve a second look now that we can all breathe and look at things objectively. Michael Keaton should have had a better post-Batman career. That’s right, Space Jam. What of it?
MOVIE TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE OUTSIDE THE 90’S: Space Jam. Remember Jordan pre-Wizards? He was big. Like Pepsi big.
I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Kingpin
MOVIES I THOUGHT WERE GREAT AT THE TIME: Broken Arrow
CULT HITS THAT HAVE AGED POORLY: Swingers, Trainspotting.
TITLE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO COCKPUNCH THE WRITER: Color of a Brisk and Leaping Day
WAIT, ARE WE DONE HERE?: Arnold makes Eraser…and Jingle All The Way.
PRETTY SURE WE’RE DONE HERE: Tin Cup. In Costner’s defense, this movie’s pretty good as far as Costner movies go.
MUST HAVE NEEDED THE MONEY: Marlon Brando comes out of retirement to make…The Island of Dr. Moreau?
WHY EUROPEAN DIRECTORS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE MOVIES ABOUT BASEBALL: The Fan’s climactic scene takes place in a baseball game played during a driving rain storm.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT: Mars Attacks!
HOW DARE YOU SIR!: Muppet Treasure Island destroys two icons at once.
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN: Cable Guy was originally slated for Chris Farley and David Spade until Jim Carey expressed interest. That would have been a different (READ: Better) movie. Instead, they make the bland Black Sheep, Farley goes off the deep end, and Jim Carey begins experimenting with drama. Things fall apart.
WORST POST-COMEBACK DECISIONS: John Travolta, cool again, makes Michael AND Phenomenon. Dude.
WORST DECISION: Demi Moore, apparently jazzed by Jessica Spano’s career crippling turn in Showgirls, decides to make Striptease. Let’s face it…she was never good.
PASSABLE ROMANTIC COMEDY: Romeo + Juliet. Good Mercutio.
WORST REMAKE OF A GOOD 80’S MOVIE: Escape From L.A.
PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATCHED BEFORE MAKING THIS LIST: A Time to Kill, Ransom, Waiting for Guffman
PROBABLY OK THAT I MISSED: Barbed Wire, Kazaam
BEST LINE IN A MOVIE NOT DISCUSSED ELSEWHERE: “We all thought that kid had tourette’s until Mr. (Jon Lovitz) figured out that he was a foreign exchange student.” – Tia Carrere, High School High
BEST BAD GUY: Bob Sugar (Jerry Maguire), whoever Ed Harris played in The Rock, Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore), John Travolta (Broken Arrow – come on, Christian Slater can beat him up?), the Martians (Mars Attacks)
BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES: The Nutty Professor, Larger Than Life

2009-09-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

1995: Second Half of the 90's Begins...Nation Badly Adrift

Top Grossing:
1. Toy Story
2. Batman Forever
3. Apollo 13
4. Pocahontas
5. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
6. GoldenEye
7. Jumanji
8. Casper
9. Seven
10. Die Hard: With a Vengeance
COMMENT: Wow is that a bad list. Batman Forever was an honest mistake. Pocahontas…the need to take kids to the movies is completely understandable. But Jumanji? Casper? Scarier still – Waterworld was #12. Americans didn’t know how bad Kevin Costner could be. I mean, I’m not Braveheart fan, but how does Waterworld make 13 million more? Based on 1995 ticket prices, that’s what, a difference of 2 million people? An unsettling look at a nation without purpose.

Award Winners:
Best Picture Nominees: Apollo 13, Braveheart, Babe, Il Postiino, Sense and Sensibility
Best Picture: Braveheart
Best Director: Mel Gibson - Braveheart
Best Actor: Nicolas Cage - Leaving Las Vegas
Best Actress: Susan Sarandon - Dead Man Walking
Best Supporting Actor: Kevin Spacey - The Usual Suspects
Best Supporting Actress: Mira Sorvino - Mighty Aphrodite

You know things are bad when Hollywood's doing better on taste than the American public. Just as an aside...when I say 'Goddess of Love'...does Mira Sorvino come to mind?

The REAL Top 10 of 1995:
1. Heat
2. Get Shorty
3. Seven
4. The Usual Suspects
5. Tommy Boy
6. Twelve Monkeys
7. Clueless
8. Apollo 13
9. Billy Madison
10. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. “The mother rhino is giving birth!”

MOST INFLUENTIAL: Toy Story. Like Athena, Computer Animation leaps from the head of Pixar in full battle armor, replete with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen.

Disturbing Trend 1: Propaganda Films for Sitting President. The American President was truly novel…it’s amazing that people will pay to see a campaign commercial
Disturbing Trend 2: Gina Davis’ career essentially ruined by Cutthroat Island
Disturbing Trend 3: This Happened – 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up
Disturbing Trend 4: Major Payne. The death of the best Wayans’ brother’s career.
Ambivalent Trend: Saved By the Bell crossover transition strangled in the cradle by Showgirls
Glimmer of Hope 1: Welcome back Saturday Night Live. Tommy Boy and Billy Madison mark a welcome departure from desperate retreads like Coneheads.
Glimmer of Hope 2: GoldenEye brings back Bond. Even though I never cared for Brosnan, at least his Bond started out passable.
FILM THAT EVERYONE THINKS IS INFLUENTIAL AND IMPORTANT BUT, IN TRUTH, IS EMBARRASSINGLY UNWATCHABLE: Basketball Diaries
MOVIES I WILL NOT WATCH: The Bridges of Madison County
MOVIES I DON’T CARE ABOUT: Dead Man Walking, Casino, Leaving Las Vegas, Nixon
WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. In case you are curious, this is the story of a two cartographers who decide that a mountain is a mole hill.
ANOTHER WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE: How to Make An American Quilt. Even as an instructional video, it would seem tedious.
PASSABLE ROMANTIC COMEDY: French Kiss
BAD SEQUELS: Grumpier Old Men, Demolition Man 2: Judge Dredd.
IT WAS A BAD YEAR FOR: Keanu Reeves. Johnny Mnemonic AND A Walk in the Clouds. That hits both kidneys. Whoa…down but not out.
MOVIES THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT AT THE TIME: Outbreak, Species
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATHCED: Mallrats, The Quick and the Dead
EVILEST BAD GUY OF THE YEAR: Tim Roth in Rob Roy. Him and James Woods should have had better careers.
MOVIE THAT BEST TYPIFIES THE 90’s: Clueless. Dangerous Minds was close.
BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES: Bad Boys, Get Shorty, Now and Then, While You Were Sleeping

2009-09-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

1994
Top Grossing
1. Forrest Gump
2. The Lion King
3. True Lies
4. The Santa Clause
5. The Flinstones
6. Dumb and Dumber
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Speed
9. The Mask
10. Pulp Fiction
Overall, not bad 1994. Except the Flinstones outdrew Dumb & Dumber AND The Mask...AND Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. A lodestone on all our souls.

ACADEMY AWARDS:
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption
Best Picture: Forrest Gump - Paramount Pictures
Best Director: Robert Zemeckis - Forrest Gump
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Forrest Gump
Best Actress: Jessica Lange - Blue Sky
Best Supporting Actor: Martin Landau - Ed Wood
Best Supporting Actress: Dianne Wiest - Bullets Over Broadway
Dianne Wiest has to be a MOST OBSCURE AWARD WINNER nominee. I’ve never seen her name or the movie title in my life. I can name most of Jason Statham’s catalogue though, so I've got that going for me. Also…Quiz Show? Really? Over Hoop Dreams? Quiz Show...It’s one of those easily forgotten things of the 90's…like the show Northern Exposure. Or Dianne Wiest.

This year belongs to: Jim Carey – That’s 3 comedies (Ace Ventura, The Mask, Dumb & Dumber) in one year than most people can’t top in a career. Perhaps the single greatest year for an actor in movie comedy history. Runner-up – Tim Robbins (Hudsucker Proxy AND Shawshank Redemption)

THE REAL TOP 10:
1. Hoop Dreams
2. The Hudsucker Proxy
3. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
4. Dumb and Dumber
5. Forrest Gump
6. True Lies
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Maverick
9. Shawshank Redemption
10. Speed

* Movies I thought were great at the time: Stargate, Blue Chips, Little Big League, Little Giants, The Shadow
* Most Influential: Pulp Fiction
* Most Overrated: The Lion King. This was the Disney movie I didn’t like. I think it’s because our football coach in high school forced us to sing Hakuna Matata while doing sit-ups and plyometrics.
* Bizarre Trend: Movies that didn’t need sequels: Ahem – 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Death Wish V: The Face of Death, Highlander 3: The Final Dimension, Leprechaun 2, My Girl 2, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, White Fang 2: Myth of the White Wolf, The Next Karate Kid.
COMMENT: My Girl 2? 3 Ninjas Kick Back? These things are as culturally important as trying to revitalize MTV’s The Grind. I would put Mighty Ducks 2 on there but something tells me that’s where the Knuckle Puck came from. The Knuckle Puck was good.
* Bad Sequels: City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar,
* Movies I Probably Should Have Seen Before Making This List But Didn’t Because I Was On a Damn Good Little League Team: Blue Sky, Clerks, The Crow, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Interview with the Vampire, Natural Born Killers, Reality Bites
* Movies I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Seen: Godzilla Vs. Space Godzilla
* Inexplicable Failure to Launch: Helen Mirren played a British queen in Madness of King George. And we let her sit there for another 15 years, not playing the queen.
* The Year in Jean Claude Van Damme: Timecop was maybe his best film.
* Best Inadvertent Porn Titles: Above the Rim, I’ll Do Anything, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Lightning Jack, Threesome (I can’t believe this was a serious title)
* Favorite Line: North, “I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to live without the ever-present nuisance of electricity. Allow me to retrieve my butter-churn from the overhead compartment.”
* The Kings of the early 90’s Announce They Are Done: Junior, Wyatt Earp
* So That’s What They Were Up To: Apparently Marissa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. made a movie called “Only You”. And you thought they wasted the 90’s on someone’s blacklist/drugged out.
* Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90's: Streetfighter. We didn't yet know that somehow it's easier to make a compelling movie out of an old Disney ride than a video game. Streetfighter (and Raul Julia inexplicably being chosen to play the world's fighting champion M. Bison) blazed this trail.

2009-09-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

1993 – A Truly Bad Year in Cinematic Tastes
Top Grossing:
1. Jurassic Park
2. Mrs. Doubtfire
3. The Fugitive
4. The Firm
5. Sleepless in Seattle
6. Indecent Proposal
7. In the Line of Fire
8. The Pelican Brief
9. Schindler’s List
10. Cliffhanger
A truly awful list of movies. The Firm AND The Pelican Brief? Thank goodness we tied up those customers with Law & Order: CSI Chattanooga. And Cliffhanger? Indecent Proposal? Cliffhanger failed to embrace the pun while Indecent Proposal should have been the rejection response to the script. Maybe this is just the result of ‘what everyone who didn’t go see Jurassic Park?’ No, actually there were good movies this year.

ACADEMY AWARDS:
Best Picture Nominees: Schindler’s List, The Piano, The Age of Innocence, In the Name of the Father, The Remains of the Day
Best Picture: Schindler's List -
Best Director: Steven Spielberg - Schindler's List
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Philadelphia
Best Actress: Holly Hunter - The Piano
Best Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones - The Fugitive
Best Supporting Actress: Anna Paquin - The Piano

Not to be outdone by American consumers, the Screen Actors Guild said, “NO NO NO, AMERICA, WE’LL SHOW YOU BAD TASTE.” And by that we mean dry period dramas. Let’s ignore Schindler’s List for now. Allow me to give you the one sentence summary of The Piano from Wikipedia:
The Piano is a 1993 film about a mute female pianist and her daughter, set during the mid-19th century in a rainy, muddy frontier New Zealand backwater.
Who is the producer who said, “OOOOOO. Tell me more!”

TOP 10:
1. Rudy “You’re 5-foot nothin’, a hundred and nothing’…” I miss the rock v. 1
2. Tombstone “I’m your huckleberry.”
3. Jurassic Park
4. Philadelphia
5. Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
6. Groundhog Day
7. Schindler’s List
8. Grumpy Old Men
9. Searching for Bobby Fischer (Secret not revealed in the movie – he was in the Philippines doing a radio show as a conspiracy whacko.
10. The Sandlot

- The Year in Kevin Costner – Tombstone had the added bonus of setting up Costner for the knockout blow – Wyatt Earp. 1993 was spent prepping his doom…while making something called A Perfect World, which had Costner AND Clint Eastwood and yet I secretly doubt its existence. If you don't know, when Costner found out about Tombstone, he rented all the western costumes in hollywood out of spite - karma's a mofo. Kurt Russell, a tip of the hat.

Which leads to:
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR BEST PARODY: Robin Hood: Men in Tights – Mel Brooks piles on the rapidly vacating Costner-train! One of the better parody films ever.
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR I CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT WAS GOOD OR NOT: The Fugitive
• HONORABLE MENTION FOR BEING #11: Dave
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT’S ACTUALLY NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK: Last Action Hero
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT IS ACTUALLY THAT BAD: Demolition Man
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED’ – Keanu Reeves does Shakespeare in Much Ado About Nothing
• THE ‘TARGET AUDIENCE?’ AWARD FOR BEST UNBRIDLED CREATIVITY: Nightmare Before Christmas
• THE PASSABLY WATCHABLE ROMCOM AWARD: Sleepless In Seattle
• ‘IT WAS GOING TO INCLUDE CHUCK NORRIS IN A CAPE BUT THE SCREEN CAN’T HOLD ANYMORE AWESOME’ AWARD FOR BEST SCENE: Dennis Hopper vs. Christopher Walken – True Romance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm_LbJTvTWA
• MOVIES THAT I THINK ARE SUPREMES’ LYRICS: Nowhere to Run, No Place to Hide

MOST INFLUENTIAL: Jurassic Park. Ushered in the era of CGI. And looking at that 10 Top Grossing Films…just in the nick of time.
MOST OVERRATED: Schindler's List. Am I a bad person? Is that a hate crime? Sorry folks. Not only did it mark Spielberg's wantonly wasteful move into drama, it's also rather dull now that we've had a few more Holocaust movies come down the pike. Oooo, he used black and white, what a genius.
MOVIES I THOUGHT WERE A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME: Alive, Falling Down, The Firm, M Butterfly, The Program, Rising Sun
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATCHED: Army of Darkness, The Age of Innocence, Dazed & Confused, Menace II Society, In the Name of the Father, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WATCHED: Another Stakeout, Matinee
WORST SEQUELS, AND WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM: Beethoven’s Second, Look Who’s Talking Now, Robo-Cop 3, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3; Wayne’s World 2, Weekend At Bernie’s 2.

Let’s face it, those are some bad sequels. So first off, don’t make sequels to dog movies. Same goes for babies. And implausible plots like pretending a dead guy is alive…guys, he’s starting to smell. Robocop kind of sucked from the start, so the lesson there is, don’t make a sequel to a bad movie. TMNT 3 was a pure money grab. Which leaves us with Wayne’s World 2. This movie is so epically unfunny that it makes Molly Shannon look like Richard Pryor. I mean, there’s nothing holding you down, guys, no plot gimmick or anything stopping the funny…how could this movie be this bad? It'd be funnier if it was just 2 hours of hangin' w/ Garth.

SEQUEL I SHOULD HAVE SEEN JUST FOR THE MYSTIFYING TITLE: Best of the Best 2…um, didn’t we settle this in the first movie?

MOVIE TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE OUTSIDE THE 90’s: Weekend @ Bernie’s 2

BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES (At least 93 came up big in this category):
- Best of the Best 2,
- Dazed & Confused,
- Demolition Man,
- Free Willy,
- Hard Target,
- Flesh & Bone,
- Mad Dog & Glory, (you have to admit, that’s good)
- Married to It
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
- Sleepless in Seattle
- Striking Distance
- Speak Up! It’s So Dark (I can’t believe that’s a movie title)

PS: Did anyone else hate the early 90’s Batman cartoon? I mean, it was so dull. How do you make Batman suck? Oh right, the rest of the 90’s answered that question.

2009-09-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

Continuing 90’s Movie Reviews:
1992
Top Grossing Films:
1. Aladdin
2. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
3. Batman Returns
4. A Few Good Men
5. Lethal Weapon 3
6. The Bodyguard
7. Sister Act
8. A League of Their Own
9. Basic Instinct
10. Wayne’s World

What were we thinking: The Bodyguard? Kevin Costner’s drawing power strikes again. This is how we got Waterworld and Postman. He thought he could make anything and we’d go to it. Apparently we did.

Academy Award Nominees and Winners:
• Unforgiven (WINNER)
• The Crying Game
• A Few Good Men
• Howards End
• Scent of a Woman
• Best Picture: Unforgiven - Malpaso Productions, Warner Bros.
• Best Director: Clint Eastwood - Unforgiven
• Best Actor: Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman
• Best Actress: Emma Thompson - Howards End
• Best Supporting Actor: Gene Hackman - Unforgiven
• Best Supporting Actress: Marisa Tomei - My Cousin Vinny

COMMENT: This was where the Academy Awards started to ruin itself. Three terrible artsy movies nominated for reasons unclear to America. Several great movies all but ignored (Last of the Mohicans? Did this movie get disqualified for NCAA rules violations of something?) And the Marisa Tomei controversy…which turns out to be one of the more justifiable picks on this list.

The Definitive 1992 Best 10 Films:
1. The Last of the Mohicans
2. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
3. Batman Returns
4. Wayne’s World
5. Reservoir Dogs
6. Diggstown
7. My Cousin Vinny
8. Noises Off
9. Aladdin
10. White Men Can’t Jump

Most Influential Film: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So it wasn’t a landmark of cinema. Still, it created a new genre
Most Overrated Films: A Few Good Men (More like ‘One Good Scene’), The Bodyguard
Hidden Trend: Movies with good soundtracks. Last of the Mohicans, Leap of Faith, The Bodyguard and Sister Act.
Worst Sequel: Honey, I Blew Up the Kids
Movies I Should Have Watched Before Making This List: Malcom X, El Mariachi, Glengarry Glen Ross
Movies I Thought Were A Big Deal At The Time: Newsies, Thunderheart
Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90s: Cool World
Best Inadvertent Porn Title: Unlawful Entry, The Babe, Sister Act.

2009-09-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

Continuing 90's movie reviews - 1991

1991 comes on a lot stronger than 90 in terms of viewers knowing what the hell they were doing. In fact, 1991 was a good year for movies, especially comedies.

Top Grossing Films

1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

2. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

3. Beauty and the Beast

4. The Silence of the Lambs

5. City Slickers

6. Hook

7. The Addams Family

8. Sleeping with the Enemy

9. Father of the Bride

10. The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear

COMMENT: Seven out of ten ain't bad.

WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Kevin Costner's drawing power may be the biggest mystery of the early 90's.

Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:

- Silence of the Lambs (Winner)

- Beauty and the Beast

- Bugsy

- JFK

- The Prince of Tides

COMMENT: An interesting mix. I had no idea Beauty and the Beast was nominated...ahead of its time. Bugsy and JFK were a scoche overrated epics featuring big names that really aren't that compelling. At least the best of the 5 won.

The Definitive 1991 Top 10 Best Films:
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
2. Silence of the Lambs
3. Point Break
4. LA Story
5. Beauty & the Beast
6. City Slickers
7. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - "They melvined me."
8. What About Bob?
9. Backdraft
10. Earnest Scared Stupid - Jim Varney's best work. I stand by this one.
HONORABLE MENTION: Addams Family, Father of the Bride, Naked Gun 2 1/2 , Hot Shots!.
SEMI-HONORABLE MENTION: Dutch - it wasn't that good, but there's a few classic lines and I loved Al Bundy.

Most Influential Film: Boyz n the Hood - people forget no one was doing movies like this before this film. Even if it doesn't stack up these days, it was influential.
Most Overrated Films: JFK, Bugsy, Prince of Tides, Barton Fink
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Highlander 2: The Quickening
- An American Tale: Fievel Goes West
- Problem Child 2
- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze
There are 5 lessons to be learned here.
#1 - Fievel did not need to go west. Fievel needed to go straight to video.
#2 - Even as a kid, I knew Problem Child 2 was bad. I had a birthday party that included it and I was thinking, "Wow, I hope they come to my party next year. Have to go back to that Major League / UHF marathon sleep-over."
#3 - When Star Trek: Next Generation is already a clearly better show, another bad movie isn't gong to save anything
#4 - Consider your subtitle and think, "Does Secret of the Ooze just sound lame?" If only Spielberg had paid attention we'd never have gotten 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.'
#5 - There can be only one.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: JFK, The Doors, Thelma & Louise. Sorry Oliver Stone, you are ineligible for history-related reasons.
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Boyz n the Hood, Bugsy, Cape Fear, Fried Green Tomatoes, Thelma & Louise, JFK, Prince of Tides, Regarding Henry, Jungle Fever
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: The Rocketeer, White Fang.
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Jungle Fever
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Double Impact, The Hard Way, New Jack City, Necessary Roughness,
Special Award for Big Star Dud Double Whammy: Bruce Willis for Hudson Hawk AND The Last Boyscout.
Special Award for Weird Simpsons Tie-In: I don't know how to explain that the movie McBain got made...after the Simpsons invented the character...and Christopher Walken was in it...and the movie sued the Simpsons. What next...OJ Simpson got arrested while trying to steal back all of the merchandise he sold to pay his legal debts for killing his wife and whistled 'if i only had a brain' as he was lead away? Oh wait...both of those things happened.

2009-09-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Best Movies of the 90's part zero

In preparation for a decade review of film coming up at the end of the year, I thought I'd practice some by going through the 90's.

I thought I'd go through the 90's year-by-year and cull the highlights and low lights.

Starting with 1990:
Top Grossing Films
1. Ghost
2. Home Alone
3. Pretty Woman
4. Dances With Wolves
5. Total Recall
6. Back to the Future Part III
7. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
8. Presumed Innocent
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10. Kindegarten Cop
COMMENT: Wow...Ghost? I guess adults used to take dates to the movies more often. Honestly though, that's 2 nigh on unwatchable films in the top 5 (I'm looking at you Muddles Through Tedium).
WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Even still, the real shock is Presumed Innocent. That's a movie?

Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:
Dances With Wolves, Awakenings, Godfather: Part 3, Ghost, Goodfellas
COMMENT: OUCH! One out of five is actually of any lasting quality. And Awakenings? Yeah, that, uh, made quite an impact...by forcing us to endure Patch Adams later in life.

Let's try the 1990 all over with a real top 10. I dare you to argue:
1. Miller's Crossing - The best script ever
2. Total Recall
3. The Freshman - The real Godfather 3.
4. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
5. Home Alone
6. The Hunt for Red October
7. Kindegarten Cop
8. Edward Scissorhands
9. Gremlins 2
10. Goodfellas - This movie has aged very poorly in my opinion. Maybe it was revolutionary at the time to portray gangsters as scumbags but I find this film tedious. Still it's top 10 material but way outdrew the much better gangster movie Miller's Crossing because Scorcese was Scorcese then and the Coens were nobody.

Most Influential Film: Goodfellas - I may not enjoy it, but it had the biggest impact
Most Overrated Films: Dances With Wolves, Ghost, Goodfellas, Pretty Woman
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Godfather Part III
- The Neverending Story 2
- Rocky V
Those are some epically bad nominees. Rocky V was so bad they ignored its existence when making Rocky Balboa. The Neverending Story 2 was so bad that the Neverending Story ended. Either that or died somewhere on straight-to-VHS. But those pale, in the end, to the cinematic travesty that is Godfather Part III. A strong year for bad sequels.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: Pretty Woman
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Pretty Woman, Ghost, The Grifters, State of Grace, Presumed Innocent, Awakenings
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: Dick Tracy, Lionheart, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I swear McDonald's had this huge Dick Tracy promo and I memorized every single character. They got Beatty and Pacino...and I don't think anyone's ever seen it since. Honestly, have you ever seen them throw Dick Tracy up on cable? You'd be like...'Why is Warren Beatty dressed like the guy from Curious George?'
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Quigley Down Under, Tremors

2009-09-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

My 2009-10 NFL Picks. Going w/ my heart, hoping LT gets a ring before the wheels come off...despite Norv Turner's presence.

My overall prediction - a more stable year for the league; no real Cinderellas.

NFC EAST:
**Philly 10-6
*Giants 10-6
Cowboys 7-9
Skins 7-9

NFC WEST
**Seahawks 9-7
Cardinals 7-9
Rams 6-10
49ers 5-11

NFC NORTH
**Bears 11-5
* Vikings 9-7
Packers 8-8
Lions 4-12

NFC SOUTH
**New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Atlanta 7-9
Tampa Bay 5-11

AFC EAST
**New England 12-4
Miami 9-7
Bills 7-9
Jets 5-11

AFC WEST
Chargers 13-3
Broncos 6-10
Raiders 5-11
Chiefs 5-11

AFC NORTH
**Baltimore 10-6
*Pittsburgh 10-6
Browns 6-10
Bengals 6-10

AFC SOUTH
**Indianapolis 11-5
*Jacksonville 9-7
Houston 8-8
Tennessee 7-9

PLAYOFF TEAMS:
NFC DIV WINNERS: Philly, Seattle, Chicago, New Orleans
NFC WILD CARDS: Giants, Vikings
AFC DIV WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis
AFC WILD CARDS: Pittsburgh, Jacksonville

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES:
NFC: Philadelphia vs. Chicago
AFC: New England vs. San Diego

SUPER BOWL:
San Diego vs. Chicago

WINNERS:
San Diego Chargers

2009-08-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

Why TV Dramas Fall Apart

I just finished The Wire...the epic rise and tragic collapse of the show's artistry matches that of the crime bosses it features.

We can summarize the 5 seasons as follows:
1. Cops and Robbers - Set the scene - this show is going to get good
2. Dock Workers - At home with a contract - this show is good
3. City Hall and Stringer Bell - Narrative perfection; oppressive tone - this show is damn good
4. Educational Excursion - Job-dropping collapse - this show is too good for you and must lecture you
5. Newspaper Farce - this show has nowhere else to go but from the tragic to the absurd

Personally, I prefer season 2 - season 3 is almost unending dread. Anyway, this pattern is played out in various other shows. Most peak early...if anything it's a shock that The Wire lasted 3 good seasons. Meanwhile, comedies usually have long runs where they get better. Why?

Comedy develops with familiarity. This is why your idiot friends seem funny to you and no one else. This is why Anchorman keeps getting funnier the more you watch it. The first time Al Bundy comes home and complains about a fat woman waddling into a shoe store, it's new. The tenth time, you know it's going to be funning as soon as he walks in. A good comedy never really has to go anywhere. The narrative is minimal and has no carry-over (except Arrested Development - more on that later) so you can jump in wherever knowing the characters and more and more ready to laugh.

Drama doesn't work this way. Let's enumerate a few key reasons dramas fall apart, starting with the problems and then moving on to the problems created by the solutions to the original problems.

The Original Problems:
1. Familiarity breeds boredom. Think about it - the more you're around your friends, the funnier they seem to you, but the more tired you get of their b.s. Give me one season of Tony Soprano bitching about his mother and I'm there with the guy...seven seasons though, well after she's dead? Get over it...to quote the Godfather, "YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!"
2. The first season is an enclosed circle. No one can expect a show to run more than a season given how competitive the world of tv air time is. So the first season is designed as a complete narrative...compelling, tight, and packaged. Further seasons are more open-ended - will the show sustain its popularity? Will the network re-up? Cancel? How many more seasons do we have to work with?
3. Success breeds editorial freedom. The first season of a show has to get noticed and renewed. It has to generate an audience. Therefore, the show has to be easier to access; it has to be interesting to a general audience. It also has to be good enough to leap out amongst a pile of scripts. The first season is often the sum total of a writer's brilliance. Once the show succeeds, the writer's off the hook. It's the same reason the Genius Grant program has been a flop - success breeds complacency. Writer's get lazy and grow unconcerned with their audience. They indulge their own petty jealousies and interests. Thus, the Sopranos bores us with dream episodes and The Wire leads us into lectures on education policy and the ex-journalist writer's pent up rage at his former employer. The network indulges these flights of fancy because they want to keep the writer doing the show and because ultimately, the viewership is locked-in and less demanding.
4) Critical Acclaim mounts expectations for intellectual content. The Sopranos becomes the focus of psychology papers, creating a feedback loop of Sopranos episodes reflecting psychological research. The Wire falls in love with its headlines as a gritty look at urban decay instead of a good cops and robbers show. The acclaim becomes the purpose of the show and drives the narrative off-track, at least in terms of actual artistic content and viewer interest.

As a result, several new problems arise:
1) The writer runs out of ideas. This happens to all of us, especially writers on a deadline. Sometimes, the best of what a writer has comes together in one work. Once, the door is opened to more, there may be a few moments of the old magic, but the rest is a grind for a paycheck.
2) Too many characters and storylines to track. At a certain point, when a show keeps adding new things to keep it fresh, if it doesn't give up on the old, you just end up with too much. Each episode becomes a scattershot, advancing several plotlines incrementally. With so much ground to cover, the opportunity for artistic focus gets stretched thing and snaps.
3) Too many cooks in the kitchen. One common solution is to start having guest writers and guest directors to make up for a disinterested creator. This works great in comedy, where you're just playing with the same formula in new ways. But in drama, the narrative is totally lost. The guest sections get interspliced with the portions that HAVE to be there to advance the season long plot, and again, the episode by episode tone and theme becomes a hodgepodge of styles, mostly bland punctuated by a few bright moments.
4) Lecture not story...this was The Wire's biggest failing, but it's a common problem - having addressed the interesting emotional and interpersonal content, the show seeks to remain intellectually respected by defaulting to social relevance. Thus, more and more, the viewer gets lectured instead of getting entertained. What made The Wire great were real people - the cops didn't always win, all of the characters had flaws and strengths, no one was always right and no one always won. All of that was wiped away in favor of a ludicrous docudrama series on education policy in which all of the teachers were dedicated and noble, held down by the system.

It's kind of strange to reflect that this was ultimately what did Arrested Development in. The show got progressively funnier as it went along, but as a drama with a narrative, it got progressively harder to follow. In retrospect, watching on DVD, it's fantastic. As an episodic drama, it's a bit much to try to keep it all together.

So is there a solution? Sure - know when to quit.

2009-07-23T18:47:00.001-07:00

World Leaders Check Out Booty

So this is my new favorite picture. I've developed a theory, which is that the moment in which a man checks out a woman's rear end provides a window into his soul. Not only that, but it shows us a nation's soul.

Consider our President versus that of the French President. Both are clearly checking out the booty. You'll notice, though, a difference. Our president is sitting there thinking to himself, "Damn...that is a booty." It's a democratic moment when the leader of the free world can pause and just be another American, being made aware of a derriere. The moment is there, and it's gone, time for more business.

The French president is clearly more of a connoisseur. He is pleased, no doubt, but he appears to be studying the booty as if he were attending an art gallery and would be forced to comment on the matter later to impress his friends. He seems to be thinking, "Hmmm...there is something about this booty that reminds me of spring in Lyon."

2009-02-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

Annual 2009 Oscars Preview

Best Picture
NOMINEES:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I.E. Forrest Gump Meets Joe Black. Incidentally, if you find yourself in a fairly serious Brad Pitt movie, watch out while crossing the street. Someone is getting hit by a car.
- Frost/Nixon. I.E. We're supposed to hate Richard Nixon but he's kind of fascinating. He's like the A-Rod of US presidents.
- Milk. I.E. Obligatory LGBT nomination.
- The Reader. I.E. Obligatory Nazi/Holocaust nomination
- Slumdog Millionaire. I.E. Indian Rudy Rom-Com
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
SHOULD WIN: The Dark Knight.
BIGGEST SNUBS: The Dark Knight, Doubt, Mongol, Wall-E, Gran Torino
COMMENT: This may be the first year where you could have 5 other movies and probably have a stronger bunch. This borders on making the Oscars irrelevant. At least The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about something (death and aging). Honestly - The Reader? Woof.

BEST ACTOR:
- Richard Jenkins is not Leonardo DiCaprio and the Academy really wants it clear they don't like him so they nominated this whodat from a movie no one saw.
- Frank Langella is a likeable Richard Nixon.
- Sean Penn is gay.
- Brad Pitt is a guy who ages backwards. Hard to tell - best actor or best makeup?
- Mickey Rourke is the Ultimate Warrior version of himself.
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke. Sean Penn already has one.
SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella - Is there some reason this guy had no work between being the bad guy in Dave and a more sympathetic version of the same thing in Frost / Nixon?
BIGGEST SNUBS: Clint Eastwood, the dude who played Genghis Khan, Leonardo

BEST ACTRESS:
- Anne Hathway is the obligatory ‘hottie plays damaged drug addict’ nomination
- Angelina Jolie is an angry mom with adoption issues (this is acting) but more literally - lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress” nomination
- Melissa Leo is in a movie no one saw but that was effectively marketed for nominations.
- Meryl Streep demands that all mortals cower before her (and forget Mamma Mia!) She's headed for Daniel Day Lewis "We should name this award after her" territory.
- Kate Winslet is nominated so that it is absolutely clear the we don't like Leo.
WILL WIN: Kate Winslet
SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep
BIGGEST SNUB: Megan Fox for whatever she was in this year. If all you're going to do is nominate hotties, the only reason I see not nominating Ms. Fox is this unfortunate Brian Austin Green episode. Honestly, I'd respect her more if it was Ian Zehring. Or the guy who played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
COMMENT: Given this plus the nominees for best supporting actress, the lecherous old man factor really weighed heavily on this year's voting.

SUPPORTING ACTOR:
- Josh Brolin plays W. killing a gay guy
- Robert Downey Jr. plays Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a black guy for laughs.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in a film of his own this year.
- Heath Ledger plays a terrifying, unforgettable Joker in what was by far the best film this year.
- Michael Shannon plays a guy in a Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar-vehicle movie, just so it's clear that no one likes Leo.
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger.
SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger. When I first found out he was going to play Joker, I balked. He hadn't impressed me thus far. I was wrong. RIP. Here's hoping whoever gets tabbed for the third film can match - these movies are only as good as their bad guy.
SNUBS: Russell Brand for owning Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading
COMMENT: What did Leo do? Deny the Holocaust? Vote Republican? Somebody sign him up for a UN ambassadorship, stat!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
- Amy Adams plays Amy Adams in a nun's outfit. You may not have noticed but she actually leaves for about half the film.
- Penelope Cruz made out with Scarlett Johanssen and lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress...and makes out with Scarlett Johanssen
- Viola Davis is a troubled black woman in an impossible situation.
- Taraji Henson is a sassy black woman in a pleasant, passably intellectual film
- Marissa Tomei plays herself if she hadn't resuscitated her career after it inexplicably didn't happen...in her birthday suit
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Marissa Tomei, just for laughs. Too bad Jack Palance is dead.
SNUBS: The girl from Transporter 3. Hahahaha!
COMMENT: Funny story about me going to see The Wrestler - the first time Marissa Tomei gets naked (I assume it happens many times) someone pulled the fire alarm and I couldn't see the rest of the movie. I can't decide whether I like the 'someone overheated' theory or the 'someone was religious' theory. Or maybe it was a rogue Lex Luger fan outraged at the thought of him at a strip club.

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES:
1. The Reader
2. Milk
3. Richard Jenkins
4. Melissa Leo
5. Amy Adams
WINNER IS: The Reader. Inexcusable waste of our time.

TOP 10 INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
1. The Foot Fist Way
2. The Wackness
3. What Just Happened
4. Seven Pounds
5. Over Her Dead Body
6. Tropic Thunder
7. The Express / Pineapple Express
8. Nights in Rodanthe
9. Drillbit Taylor
10. Iron Man

Movies I Wish I'd Seen:
1. Pineapple Express / Zack and Miri Make a Porno / Role Models - Guys...slow down. This is like 5 of these things in one year.
2. Kung Fu Panda
3. Revolutionary Road
4. Yes Man
5. Man on Wire

Biggest Disappointments:
1. Quantum of Solace (see archives for lengthy disappointment)
2. The Forbidden Kingdom - I had the idea for a Jet Li / Jackie Chan 2-hour kung fu spectacular a long time ago. It would be the Heat of martial arts movies. Unfortunately, after the monkey king issue, the kung fu being boiled down to one stale 10 minute fight, and the rampant cribbing from better kung fu movies, this was instead the The Righteous Kill of martial arts movies.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm on to Spielberg. This we know. Don't think you can dodge me! That's the only reason this isn't #2. I knew it would be bad.
4. Burn After Reading - I think the Coen Bros. titled this movie appropriately. You're slacking. Don't make me put you on my Spielberg list!
5. Appaloosa - Western w/ Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen...this could be good. It's just not.
6. Tropic Thunder - Besides a few good moments and Robert Downey Jr., this movie is actually not funny.
7. You Don't Mess W/ The Zohan - This is a funny movie but more just ridiculous. I'm beginning to worry that Sandler's too lazy to ever deliver again.

SURPRISINGLY WATCHABLE FILMS
1. Anything with Jason Statham in it. The guy brings his A-game every time. The Bank Job is fun. Transporter 3 is almost self-consciously silly. The actress is so bad you'd think she was trying and characters audibly point out plot holes. So what? So they get killed by the bad guy for doing so. Touche.
2. The Incredible Hulk 2. It didn't totally suck. Also, good to see Tim Roth working.
3. Wanted. The hole 'weaver' thing was so lame that they had to kill everyone at the end so that it could never happen again. So the plot was sequel-bad but the stunts were awesome.
4. Leatherheads - Sue me, this was what I thought it would be. Rene Zellwegger seems to be trying to hit every decade. Am I wrong to think Jennifer Anniston should be getting more of her roles?

TOP 10 MOVIES REGARDLESS OF GENRE:
1. The Dark Knight
2. Mongol
3. Frost / Nixon
4. Iron Man
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Doubt
7. Gran Torino
8. Slumdog Millionaire
9. Wall-E
10. In Bruges
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hancock, Rock-n-Rolla, Wanted, Leatherheads, Semi-Pro, The Bank Job

2009-01-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN STATE FLAGS:

10. Arizona - A stately and appropriate flag which is docked somewhat for it’s vague similarity to the Japanese rising sun flag. Thankfully, Arizona is where the sun sets.

9. Pennsylvania - An old school flag done right and well-drawn

8. Oklahoma - A hat-tip to history plus a peace pipe. Well done.

7. Alaska - For all the awful flags from the Midwest that look like the gubner’s daughter doodled them for arts & crafts, Alaska actually did let the school kids come up with the design and it turned out pretty well - subdued and appropriate.

6. Nevada - Nevada shied away from the butt-ugly drawing and decided to rock the awesome slogan “Battle Born”. The lack of an iconic graphic and the way in which history has taken Nevada in another direction docks it a few points. In retrospect, perhaps the original design was better.

5. New Mexico - Again, it just hits the spot. What better could you do with New Mexico to start with?

4. Virginia - This flag just rocks. It’s liberty stomping on a de-crowned king declaring, “Ever thus to tyrants”. My complaint is that this phrase isn’t prominent enough. But take note lame Vermont flag - you’re sitting on “Live Free or Die”. Think about it.

3. Texas - The lone star is an undeniable icon. But taken in general, it’s kind of plain.

2. California - I’m a homer. I love this flag. I’d like to get it as a sheet set.

1. Ohio - A surprising winner for sure, but the sleek shape, great aesthetic, subtle O, and vague resemblance to an Ohio State Buckeye helmet make this the best in show.

2009-01-20T20:07:00.001-08:00

Ranking the State Flags

Much like all states aren't worthy of comment, all state flags aren't either. Without further ado, we start from the worst, note some highlights in the middle, and then get to the best.

Bottom Ten:
50.
Mississippi - Purely aesthetically, it's actually quite pleasing. However, Confederate flag PLUS sideways French flag equals instant fail. For shame sirs.

49. Michigan - There's a lot not to like here. First of all, there's the cartoon non-matching deer. (See Pennsylvania's black stallions for the right way.) Then, there's a weird guy waving hello in the middle. To top it all off, there's WAY too much latin lettering. This is probably to distract you from the extreme lameness of what's written on the bottom, "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you." Just in case you didn't know where to find a pleasant peninsula.

48. Colorado - I'm confused as to whether this is a state flag or a failed Cubs marketing gig. I can just see the Wrigley company dumping 4,000 of these on Colorado in exchange for what's left of Pedro Astacio.

47. Alabama - Alabama's state flag says, "No you can't." I like that Florida's flag is the same thing plus the state seal with Seminoles and the beach. It's like "Yeah, we'd be Alabama if not for all the cool stuff."

46. New York - Marketing capital of the world...cartoonish drawings? Pastels? The only thing that redeems this totally incongruous wreck is the phrase 'excelsior' - ever upward. Nothing else fits. Back to the drawingboard.

45/44. Delaware/Maine It's a tie for worst Brokeback factor. Delaware guys are checking each other out. Maine guys appear to be two versions of Captain Feathersword from the Wiggles. West Virginia and Wisconsin are just two dudes. New York and New Jersey sport two ladies...hmmmm. In fact, only Idaho has a guy and a girl.

43. Louisiana - Hey Mississippi, if you're ever inspired to drop the stars and bars, allow me to refer you to Louisiana for what not to do, which was to phase it out in favor of a pelican tearing flesh from its breast to feed its young. It also kind of suggests that Louisiana is the welfare state. Also amusing is union (from a slave state), justice (from America's most corrupt state), and...confidence? Here's a clue - a music note. Does that work for everyone?

42. South Dakota - I tried blowing this flag up but it's just as incomprehensible. The state seal appears to be a hand drawing of a grainy photo of a mountain. either that or someone used an etch-a-sketch to draw it.

41. Minnesota - Something about the heartland tells your local state legislature (I'm thinking of you too Illinois and Kansas), "Hey, let's have the governor's daughter draw the state flag in felt pen." I feel like these flags should be on that website where the guy makes fun of children'sdrawings. Minnesota wins out for the yellow fringe border...on three sides of the flag. It's like the kid forgot to color the other part.

SPECIAL AWARDS SECTION:

Idaho - “Best Dig at Another State’s Flag” Remember that goofy Michigan deer? The one on the left? Haha! He’s back.

North Dakota - “Strangest Prop” 1007...1008...1009. Oh, I'm sorry, I was just flexing and sculpting my talons. It's boring but it's part of my life.

Utah - “Most Incongruous Single Word Addition” - Industry? Industry! What is this? Borat's Kazakhstan. I vote that the state flag be changed to this girl’s shirt.

South Carolina - “Poorest Foresight” - Post-Confederacy, SC adopted their local uniform symbol, the crescent moon. Whoops - that symbol of Islam thing must have been a blind-side. That palmetto isn't lessening the imagery.

Wyoming - “Best representation of species depopulation” - You might wonder what went on in Wyoming. There used to be a lot of buffalo. Then they got killed and branded with the state seal!

Maryland - “Miss Congeniality” - Maryland wins hands down at your local state flag jousting contest.

2008-11-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

What's Wrong With Bond

Casino Royale was the best Bond movie ever. The idea was "Bond Begins", but in an updated world - no more goophy gadgets, no more ACME villains, no Ms. Moneypenny, and most importantly, replacing an English gentleman Bond for the other side of English society - the new Bond, the blonde Bond, a rugged English street urchin, the sort of brute who starts bar fights, but adopted by the state and adapted for its ends. His womanizing is cruel, and rather than a slinky spy, he is a Bourne-esque action hero. It did what every good Bond movie does - Bond actually cared about the girl and then she betrayed him...and then she died. Best of all, the first movie was alive with possibility - theater-goers sat thinking, "Is this the last Bond ever?" as Bond put in his retirement. Perhaps we should have left it at that.

It always takes 24-hours to figure out why a film with good action still wasn't that good. The action is definitely good...too much so. The first 45 minutes of the film are 3 almost uninterrupted chase sequences. The movie then settles in for the exposition, but is so intent on weaving the political backdrop and tossing in opulent settings that, ultimately, there's no time for what made Casino Royale so good - Bond. Creating a character. Giving him lines. Bond has almost nothing to say in this film - there's nothing that matches the scene where Bond first meets Vesper or where he picks up Caterina Murino. In fact, that's just my problem - it's 24-hours later and I struggle to remember a single line. I still can't figure out why it's called Quantum of Solace either. Daniel Craig says the word, 'quantum' at some point...I just can't remember why. I knew I should have been suspicious when the title was so bad...call it the "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" rule.

This gaffe, the absence of non-action scenes of worth, shove problems upon the film's pace - there's none of the tension of the card game and few moments of levity. Artistically, even the non-action scenes are cut as action scenes, ruining the iconic images that make a Bond film - the director has dreamed up a few such images, such as a woman killed and covered in oil, but barely leaves this image on the screen long enough for it to register before it's wisked away by the mandatory 6-seconds-or-less cuts of modern film making. The settings are so gorgeous, truly the film's strong point, that this is a great disservice - I'd love to have far more moments with the stills drawn out...it would help slowdown the frenetic pace of the action if nothing else.

The music-video action overload would be fine if the political backdrop spliced in were enough...but it's not. The politics are the standard Hollywood world evinced in the gamut of good to bad movies (Iron Man to The Shooter) - the bad guys are corporations backed by America, this time with a cute environmental twist. The 'blunt instrument' Bond of the first film is now a snide commentator on US policy in Latin America. Salt in a crude parable of the recent election, and voila, you've wasted 30 minutes of what should have been a better film.

This effort undermines the film in a variety of ways. First of all, it takes Bond completely out of character - Bond has always been a patriot and an imperialist, so this turn is unexplained and off-key. When did Bond get this way and why? The reason there isn't an answer is probably simple enough - it's the writer/director talking through his character; the mark of an amateur.

Worse, as is always the case when a film mistakes politics for depth, no matter how subtlely-laid out the political web is, it's still only a few minutes here and there of throwing in the standard 'non-standard' thought of our time. It merely confuses the audience that came for the action whereas those who know something about foreign policy sit in the audience rolling their eyes at yet another trite, flesh-toned if not pinko rant.

The political turn might have worked better if it had done what Dark Knight did - which is to address the headlines rather than the international news on page A6. Blonde Bond is certainly current but remains irrelevant. This Bond was trotted all over the globe working Europe, Central and South America, Russia, Africa...yet the Middle East and Islamic extremism remains a bridge too far. Ian Fleming's Bond worked on the Cold War because that's what was going on. Apparently the modern Bond hasn't graduated to working the important issues yet.

In this, the writer has made the classic Lethal Weapon PC cop-out. For those who forget, four Lethal Weapons got made about the drug business in Los Angeles in the 80's and 90's and yet not a single one involved a Latino or African-American gang as the ultimate villain. White guys in suits were running everything. This involves a certain racist animus - is it not a little insulting to suggest that inevitably white people run everything? At a certain point, this strains credulity. So how long is Bond going to remain on the B Team? Is Bond and his coterie of Bond girls too sexy for the modern Middle East or the filmmakers too craven?

The real problem, though, with all the political narrative is that it gets us away from what this Bond should have been about - Bond. The Bond at the end of the last film was deeply wounded. All of the build-up to this film suggested it was about that damaged Bond. Perhaps it is - I wouldn't know because he has about as many lines as Bill Paxton in Twister. There's almost nothing to Bond's relationship with the curiously half-Russian Bolivian girl, who ends up sitting in as little more than accented eye candy. Compared to the previous film, which had two far richer and more interesting females, the whole range of possiblities involving Bond and trust issues and the rumored 'dark, vengeance seeking' Bond are absent. Characters carried over from the previous film, like Felix Lighter, become wildly different characters with almost nothing to act as the bridge. A revenge scene drops upon us at the end and we're quits.

So what we get is a series of action sequences of varying quality plus a couple of babes and a few good lines. It's just like the old, mediocre Bond...plus better action but minus all the stuff that used to make it Bond. So, in the end, it's just another action movie. Viewed from that lens, it's nice enough, but the first movie raised so many possibilities. Would this film reintroduce darker versions of Bond staples? No. Would this film delve deeper into who Bond is, how he got that way, or how he becomes a more recognizable Bond? Not really. Plot-wise, it builds seemlessly on the previous film - in tone, artistry, and character development is adds a squirt of cheese-in-a-can.

For all the talk that the narrative of Quantum of Solace suggests a trilogy, this film feels more like the recent underwhelming 3rd films of other notable trilogies (Star Wars, Pirates of the Carribean, Spider Man) - overloaded with expensive action and drawn out exposition, empty of the charm that made the previous film(s) better.

Here's hoping that any 'trilogy' film takes the series in some other direction than backwards.

2008-10-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

CNN Conclusively Demonstrates That Uncommitted Ohio Women Voters Are Ignorant and/or Passive-Aggressive

I just finished watching the debate meter. There was a debate of course but having some form of electronic distraction is just too tempting. Frankly, I don't care what 20 CNN-picked self-identified Uncommitted Ohio voters do with their happy-sad buzzer. While we're at it, instead of men vs. women, I'm more interested in categories like, "Upstanding Americans vs. Cowboys Fans" or "Douche-Bags vs. Hot Chicks" (don't you want to know what the Joey Porsche experience is thinking about the bail-out? http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2007/12/hcwdb-of-year-joey-porsche-experience.html). Or how about "Christopher Walken" vs. "Dennis Hopper". (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqccyUpnZwA)

So what I've really learned from this debate is that Uncommitted Ohio voter women are ignorant. It's astonishing. Everytime a candidate makes a strong point, responds to criticism, criticizes his opponent's record or dumb ideas, or does anything that normal people do to win arguments, the women in this poll say, "Oh dear, I'm not so high on your attempt to win this debate."

Whenever a candidate blathers on about their wildly unrealistic 'if i were dictator and had monopoly money, I'd save the world...especially the puppies and babies,' women suddenly shoot up like Daryl Strawberry. 'Give us more false hope and unrealistic promises,' they seem to be saying. 'Exploit my ignorance of the issues, by all means!'

These undecided Ohio women must be the same women dating their 'undecided' high school sweetheart 15 years after graduation. "I love you girl, I'm just waiting on that PhD and/or promotion," seems to score higher than the more honest, "Look babe, I'm planning on banging a few other girls on the side, and I'm still looking to trade-up, but maybe in a few years I'll be fatter and balding...then I'll actually appreciate your years of devotion."

(The exception to this was John McCain talking about supporting autism education. You could physically see Ohio's undecided voters thinking, "Uh...Which one of the short bus kids was autistic again?")

Of course there's an alternative theory - maybe women just don't like conflict. They're thinking, "That's not how you win a debate. The way to handle these sort of things is to tell John/Obama that his health care plan looks great and then tell all your friends what a slut he is behind his back."

There is another factor potentially at play: women hate when men win arguments. They're sitting there thinking, "Doesn't he know that I'm just going to keep arguing until he admits I'm right? Otherwise, he's sleeping on the couch." So that's what their happy-sad buzzer is showing - "Just tell me I'm right and that you're sorry."

This is what happens when you give them the right to vote...It's science.

2008-02-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

2008 Oscars Preview

Best Picture
Nominees:
1. Tedious English War/Romance Book Adaptation Mangled Into Unrecognizable Slop (Atonement)
2. Quirky, Socially Relevant Indy Comedy (Juno)
3. Hollywood Royalty Vehicle/Corporate Greed-Crusading Lawyer (Michael Clayton)
4. Daniel Day Lewis Decides to Act Instead of Cobbling Shoes, All Mortals Tremble At His Talents (There Will Be Blood)
5. Coen Brothers Stay Inside the Lines (No Country For Old Men)
-Will Win: No Country For Old Men
-Should Win: Juno
-Essentially what the competition is: Keira Knightly Does the English Patient vs. Better Little Miss Sunshine vs. George Clooney Obligatory Nomination does A Civil Action vs. Gangs of New York Minus Pointless Non-DDL Scenes vs. a dark Fargo set in the desert.
Commentary: This year is pretty open - Atonement has no business being here as it is a complete muddle; Michael Clayton has little business being here except that apparently Hollywood grovels at George Clooney's feet. Michael Clayton is a solid, unspectacular film. That leaves us with three viable candidates - Daniel Day Lewis in an ok drama to me just isn't enough to win 'best picture' when he should win his own prize, if not have it re-named after him. Old Country is impressive, but truth be told, I think the Coens have made better films. Ultimately, Juno was great, if flawed by the at-times overly cavalier lines of the lead. It was positive, well-paced, well-written, created memorable images, had a great soundtrack, never preached, and never took sides.
- Biggest Snubs: (Again realistic snubs only) American Gangster, Charlie Wilson's War, Sweeney Todd. Though none of these should win, they're all better than Michael Clayton and Atonement.

Best Director:
- Nominees
1. Julian Schneibel directs something about human suffering that no one saw
2. Jason Reitman rocks it out with Juno
3. George Clooney rolled out of bed
4. The Coen Brothers played nice
5. Paul Thomas Anderson was graced by DDL's presence
Will Win: Coens
Should Win: Coens
I mark this as a lifetime achievement award.

Best Actor:
- Nominees - Quick comment - is anyone here other than Viggo Mortensen really playing someone that far off from their real personality?
1. George Clooney as a conflicted crusading lawyer, including a great ending gotcha scene in which Clooney drinks Tilda Swinton's milk shake, followed by an inexplicable portrayal of a cab ride. Since you haven't seen this movie, I'll just tell you - after the climactic scene, George Clooney takes a cab, and you watch him smile smugly for 5 minutes while the credits role. It's like...hey, I'm f-ing George Clooney. I made this f-ing movie. I ride in a cab and you watch it. (Michael Clayton)
2. Daniel Day Lewis as a sociopath oil wildcatter. DDL outdoes Clooney's gotcha scene with the incredible 'bastard in a box' and 'I drank your milkshake' combo. Game-set-match. (TWBB)
3. Johnny Depp as a singing demon barber/murderer. Really, is he acting? (Sweeney Todd)
4. Tommie Lee Jones is chagrined by the Iraq war (In the Valley of Elah)
5. Viggo Mortensen is a Russian mobster/spy who spends a surprising amount of this movie naked. (sorry for the spoiler. Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Soze. Get over it.) (Eastern Promises)
Will Win: DDL
Should Win: DDL. Landslide. Honorable mention to Viggo Mortensen for actually creating a character.
Biggest Snub: Tom Hanks - Charlie Wilson's War, Tommie Lee Jones in a vastly superior movie to In the Valley of Elah

Best Actress:
COMMENT: Notice that all of the men were in somewhat relevant movies whereas almost none of the women are. What is with women's roles and female stars that every year this category is essentially meaningless? Is it the writers? The producers? Or us?
Nominees:
1. Cate Blanchett plays Queen Elizabeth AGAIN!!! Can we get Helen Mirren back and they can just play the Queen of England every year for the rest of their lives and have a permanent nomination?
2. Julie Christie is old and hasn't got an Oscar yet.
3. Whodat in a movie no one saw (WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE)
4. Laura Linney in The Savages
5. Ellen Page in Juno
I haven't seen The Savages so I can't really fairly appraise Laura Linney. My guess, however, is that as always she plays Laura Linney, which, if you haven't seen her, is like an American version of Julianne Moore playing Julianne Moore.
Will Win: Julie Christie (for being old)
Should Win: Ellen Page (carries a teenage part)
Biggest Snubs: Helena Bonham Carter outshines Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd, Angelina Jolie does an accent in A Mighty Heart. Honestly, why on earth would you diss two good performances by your biggest stars in favor of Marion Cotillard (Aforementioned Whodat playing a French singer raised in a brothel)? You risk Angelina skipping the walk-in when half of America is only waiting to see who she'll make out with this year. It can't possible be Brad...I'm betting on the Cambodian kid.

Best Supporting Actor:
1. Casey Affleck as a pezzonovante who shoots Brad Pitt. (Impossible to judge this performance as there is an unbelievably poor voiceover. Think of Jerrod the Subway guy reading you a cowboy outlaw script-on-tape and giving away you every character motivation, stage direction and the latest on Brangelina. Ruined the movie.)
2. Javier Bardem is the scariest movie serial killer ever.
3. Philip Seymour Hoffman hams it up in a role that acts itself in Charlie Wilson's War
4. Whodat in a film no one watched
5. Tom Wilkinson is an off-meds lawyer in George Clooney's annual nomination filler. (WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE)
Will Win: Javier Bardem
Should Win: Javier Bardem
Biggest Snub: Russell Crowe outacting Denzel in American Gangster. (Surprise of the year)

Best Supporting Actress:
1. Cate Blanchett plays Bob Dylan in the same movie as like 10 dudes...and is better than all of them because she looks JUST LIKE HIM.
2. Ruby Dee is the year's token black nominee, and perhaps has 10 lines concentrated in 3 scenes in the course of the whole film (WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE)
3. Soarise Ronan in Atonement - a kid can't be a Whodat. Besides, her name is like a lost commandment.
4. Whodat in a movie no one saw
5. Tilda Swinton does a great job in Michael Clayton
Will Win: Cate Blanchett (Law of averages)
Should Win: Torn, but I'll go with Swinton, just to be ornery.
Biggest Snub: Jennifer Garner, who should have won for a terrific turn in Juno.

Best Animated Film:
Ratatouille is going to win even though it wasn't THAT good. My question is this - there are 3 nominated films, whereas several animated films were NOT nominated. Is there a maximum of 3 possible nominees? If not, why is Surf's Up here and not Bee Movie? They're not going to win, but honestly, if I'm Seinfeld, I'm asking myself, 'What's the deal with that?'

Art/Visuals:
I didn't see Golden Compass, but the polar bears looked cool so they get my vote. Incidentally, no one who saw Pirates 3 (WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE) can take this one seriously...the part with the giant Calypso was laughably bad. It looked like something from the 80's. I think I saw a giant ant scrambling around the tiny-town models. Anyway, the big question is WHERE IS THE 300? This movie revolutionized film art/visuals. I don't care if it's a comic book and a transparently pro-war one at that. Incredible work.

Cinematography:
I'll go with The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford. Obviously the voice over obliterated the movie by treating its audience like it was 7 years-old, but if you turn off the sound, it is a gorgeously filmed movie, really a clinic in image creation.

Adapted Screenplay:
I think the Coens should bag this one, but they really didn't change much. TWBB conversely totally changed the book, for the better, since Upton Sinclair is a tedious socialist blowhard. Something tells me, thought, that without DDL, that's kind of what TWBB would be. Atonement was a complete mess, an abysmal adaptation (WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE). I'd be OK with one of the 2 no one watched winning.

Original Screenplay:
Have to go with Juno - bursting with originality and love of language. Michael Clayton is tightly written and Ratatouille is apparently richly researched and steeped in culinary culture. But if Juno doesn't win here, it would be the biggest travesty possible at these Oscars.

THIS YEAR'S NOT SO SNUB-ISH SNUBS:
We're very short on snubs that you would usually expect of the academy...American Gangster should have been better, so I can't even tell if it's a snub. There is one glaring exception:
ALL ANTI-WAR FILMS!!! Wow, they got hosed at the box office, panned by the critics, and ignored by the academy. I don't even know what to make of this. Maybe Hollywood got the point - it's irrelevant. They can lighten up a little.

WORST NOMINATION OF THE YEAR:
Nominees:
1. Female actress who is not Angelina Jolie or Helena Bonham Carter, thereby risking that they don't show up
2. Tom Wilkinson in a role that simply isn't believable; he always comes across as acting and kind of pulls the movie apart.
3. Ruby Dee, as an afterthought token nomination with almost no actual part.
4. Pirates 3 visuals, for the ludicrous giant Calypso gaffe
5. Atonement's adapted script, which butchers what I'm told is a decent book. (I don't do fiction).
WINNER: Tom Wilkson. Ruby Dee was merely barely present and Pirates 3 had one CGI error, perhaps lost amidst it's copious scripting errors. Tom Wilkinson pulled down an otherwise tight, if forgettable film so he gets the nod.

THIS YEAR'S UNINTENTIONAL BEST PORN MOVIE TITLE:
NOMINEES (Black Snake Moan was disqualified for already being borderline porn, Daddy's Little Girls was disqualified because it's just wrong. Seriously, what's wrong with you?):
1. Hot Fuzz
2. There Will Be Blood
3. No Country For Old Men
4. Breach
5. Amazing Grace
6. Once
7. Because I Said So
8. Hannibal Rising
9. The Ultimate Gift
10. Reign Over Me
11. Are We Done Yet?
12. I Am Legend
13. Perfect Stranger
14. Live Free Or Die Hard
15. No End In Sight

An impressive list. Even here No Country and Blood are competing. Hard not to go with There Will Be Blood.

10 BEST FILMS OF THE YEAR REGARDLESS OF GENRE AND/OR RELEVANCE:
This was a strong year for stupid comedies. Honorable Mentions go to Ocean's 13 and Michael Clayton.
10 Superbad
9. Charlie Wilson's War
8. The Bourne Ultimatum
7. Live Free or Die Hard
6. There Will Be Blood
5. No Country For Old Men
4. Once
3. Knocked Up
2. Juno
1. Hot Fuzz

2007-08-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Bourne III: Return of the Clones Report

1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length - a solid 2 hour movie but it rarely drags. 3.
2) World' End Factor For Excess Exposition - Well, there are hints to excess exposition, but they merely rely on knowledge of current events and an implicit political outlook. Those who disapprove can easily ignore a line here and there and enjoy the action. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: A little too much trying to catch up with the headlines to be 'relevant' but the film successfully attacks its foes (white men), giving them stern media justice. 5.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Films: Nobody of consequence dies, the movie outright cheats to pretend they're actually going to wrap things up for about 6 seconds. I almost got mad sitting there for those 6 seconds thinking, "They want me to think he's dead. Come on, no way they have the balls to kill him. Money matters too..." but apparently I'm too verbose and it was clear he was alive before I could finish my rant. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Not so much. Some legit action sequences and plenty of globe trotting. Not wildly original, and clearly straining to give Julia Stiles something to do, but the other female character was interesting and "we'd be having this conversation face-to-face" was a legit all-time level line. 3.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - ripping from the headlines is a clear sign of either unoriginality or boredom. I decided to spread the writing points out. Deal. Anyways, "Look at what they make you give?" I hate when a well-placed speech moves people who don't care what gets said. Hollywood once again trades potential depth for a chintzy moral. 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for Bad Original Casting - Damon and the nameless senior CIA female are good casting. The Julia Stiles problem is elegantly avoided by giving her as few lines as possible. Well-played sirs. 2.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I don't think Matt Damon is deep enough to get bored with a role and I don't think anyone else who is a recurring figure in these films has enough going for them to worry about their only meal ticket. 0.
9) Ewok Syndrome for Shameless Marketing - I don't think there are any Bourne action figures or bourne video games. But this movie was laden with conspicuous product placement. For an adult movie, it was pretty blunt. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - The Bourne films are all good but they don't get pretentious. They're always better than you think they'll be and you remember them being. Low expectations plus strong films equals a clean bill of sale here. Except for the 'relevant' turn. 2.

Return of the Clones factor:
35 - Displaying elements of sequel fatigue, but not burdened by anything more than its own triteness. If anything, in the hands of a great writer, this series could be everything that DeNiro albatross wasn't.

Incidentally, watch the American Gangster preview. Finally the movie Denzell was meant to be in. Haven't had expectations for a movie like this ever. Honestly. I'm expecting the Godfather.

Return of the Clones Standings w/ 1 movie left to go:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty -52
5. Fantastic 42 - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Bourne 3 - 35
8. Ocean's 13 - 28
9. Die Hard 4 - 19

The world waits with breathless anticipation: where will Rush Hour 3 end up?

2007-07-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter V: Return of the Clones Report

Having not read the books, I have to say that I just don't have any emotional attachment to this series. Every movie is the same...fairly interesting, nice artistic flourishes, watchable, occasionally funny, but critically flawed (more later).

1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Well, it's clear that there's WAAAYYY more in the book that just gets sprinkled in to the movie purely for fan interests. But it's for kids and it can't be too long. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: See above. They do their best, but they have to race for the sake of the kids' bladders. 8.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Since this is truly a series, and based on a book, the school year format is largely eschewed in favor of what has clearly become a series building to a finale. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Sequels: There's already a book. I can't give it a hard time. 6.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - This is probably more of a book review, but I don't much care for making the book/film socially relevant. But maybe it helps frame the world the kids are coming into. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I don't think this is at all the case. I think the writer very much likes the characters and enjoys writing these books. 1.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - My ambivalence couldn't be deeper here. The professional adults are all perfectly cast. Honestly, brilliant performances abound in this and the other films. But the kids...so uneven. Most of the second-tier kids are pretty good, although Harry Potter's girlfriend ought to be a lot hotter to be commanding all that attention. The basic problem is that Harry Potter and Hermione are just not that good. They're not terrible, but they're just not commanding attention, respect, or sympathy. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I think everyone likes the film series well enough. Harry Potter decided to get naked with a horse before jumping back into the breech. Apparently that commands respect in England? It worked for Elizabeth Berkeley. 1.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - They're already selling Hermione Granger diamond wands...on my freaking credit card insert. I can only imagine how many Luna Lovegood neck charms are being snapped up. At least the owl purchasing is probably at an end. Still, I don't think it's shameless. I think it's a response to real demand, not wholly ewok-esque. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease - I don't bring huge expectations to the series and the movie was exactly what I thought it should be. I just can't rate this film the way a fan would. 3.

Return of the Clones Factor: 42. A solidly average sequel to a non-fan such as myself. I'm left with a dilemma - how to break the tie between Harry Potter and Fantastic Four? I think that the film with the longer title should be the bigger disappointment. Unfortunately, both have verbose titles of nearly equal length, depending largely on how one adds articles and spells out numbers. I'm going to give the nod to FF4:RotSS over HPatOotP, mostly because Potter is just a better movie.

The standings:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty - 52
5. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Ocean's 13 - 28
8. Die Hard 4 - 19

2007-07-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Fantastic 42: Return of the Clones Report

This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.

What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.

1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.

Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.

The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19

2007-07-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

Evan Almighty: Return of the Clones Report

You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.

The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.

Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.

Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19

2007-06-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

So I've been re-miss. I didn't see Fantastic 42 yet because I have minimal interest and I haven't seen Evan A)lmighty yet because of the crushing reviews. And I've been busy.

But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.

1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.

Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:

Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19

I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.