So I've been re-miss. I didn't see Fantastic 42 yet because I have minimal interest and I haven't seen Evan A)lmighty yet because of the crushing reviews. And I've been busy.
But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.
Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19
I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off:Ocean's 13
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Next Price Is Right Host: Bill Clinton
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Amongst Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson, I'm taking odds:
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
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