Saturday, February 27, 2010

09-10 Oscars Preview:

Best Director
- Kathryn Bigelow – The only director smart enough to take politics out of her Iraq War movie
- James Cameron – Wow. Welcome back. I wish you didn’t write the script, but it doesn’t matter. Did I say wow already? While I’ve got you’re here…True Lies 2? Arnold will be free soon.
- Lee Daniels – Made Oprah’s movie. Check out photos of this guy…excuse me sir, but Dolemite 2 try-outs were two decades ago.
- Jason Reitman – This movie was all script and acting…but you were there so, yeah. Welcome. That’s Jim…he’s the king of the world.
- Quentin Tarantino – Finally stepped out of his milieu and made something worthwhile
WILL WIN: Jason Reitman. I don’t think they can bring themselves to go Tarantino so I default to ‘Clooney Year’.
SHOULD WIN: James Cameron. Avatar isn’t a great movie if it’s not in 3D. In fact, it could be Golden Compass-esque. But as a directorial achievement, this is everything Titanic was and more. It’s on a level that no one can match now or will match anytime soon.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

2010 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED:

The Daniel Day-Lewis Best Actor Award
- Jeff Bridges – The Dude plus guitar, minus White Russians and Walter Sobcheck.
- George Clooney – was in a movie this year (and it was pretty good).
- Colin Firth –Token LGBT-related nomination.
- Morgan Freeman – Morgan Freeman does a good Nelson Mandela impression.
- Jeremy Renner – So, they blew away Guy Pierce before the opening credits?
WILL WIN: George Clooney. Like I said, his year. Bridges is the other strong candidate.
SHOULD WIN: Jeff Bridges. I think Bridges is doing more acting in his movie than Clooney is. I think Clooney always just plays Clooney.

Monday, February 15, 2010

09-10 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED: MERYL STREEP BEST ACTRESS AWARD

The Meryl Streep Best Actress Award
- Sandra Bullock – You’re the sweetest lady in Hollywood and you made your best movie…but was the movie too conservative to win in Hollywood? We’ll see.
- Helen Mirren – The Queen – that was a good movie. How old are you again? Were you this hot when you were 30? We just wanted you to show up at the Oscars because older English women are so classy.
- Carey Mulligan – No one saw this movie but it’s not a bad nomination. It’s another ‘teen comes of age’ tale set in the early 60’s, so you know all the issues we’re going to re-tread. I imagine this movie grabs the heart of boomer girls looking back on their faded glory. Anyway, as a movie it’s not got much new to say that Al Bundy didn’t handle well enough by slamming Kelly’s dates’ heads into the wall. As for the actress, she has that Juno feel - she’s written stronger than any 16 year old girl has any right to be, probably by a 40-50 year old woman who likes to think she was that witty when she was 16. This has the positive effect of making the dialogue better but makes the character less believable. Anyway, the actress pulls it off well. Try not to win though…you’ve got some talent and we’d hate to lock you in Marissa Tomei’s purgatory.
- Gabourey Sidibe – Good luck with all that.
- Meryl Streep – made a movie this year. The award is named after her after-all. It’s not like she did something silly like taking a role as an Italian romantic in a musical when it’s way outside her range. No great actor or actress is that dumb, right? What do you mean 9? Mamma what now?
WILL WIN: Gabourey Sidibe. Everyone will say they voted for Sandra, but they’ll vote their heart when they get in the booth.
SHOULD WIN: Sandra Bullock. Her year. Weak field.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Best Supporting Actor
- Matt Damon – tried his best at a South African accent and playing a man-mountain rugby player despite being relatively small
- Woody Harrelson – Was good in Zombieland, but we couldn’t possibly nominate him for that, so we’ll vote for him in that other Iraq movie that no one even knew to see.
- Christopher Plummer – Career nod.
- Stanley Tucci – I’m really upset at the blasphemy that Stanley Tucci will now be known as ‘Oscar Nominee Stanley Tucci’. Because he SUCKS! How does this guy keep getting jobs?
- Christopher Waltz – Came out of nowhere to own a movie so completely that it’s difficult to imagine why anyone else was even nominated.

WILL WIN: Christopher Waltz. It’s by far the stand-out performance of the year. I don’t care if he’s nobody. Un-ignorable.
SHOULD WIN: Waltz. It’s an insult that he’ll be shown on screen for any period of time with the likes of Tucci.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

09-10 Oscars Preview Continued: Best Supporting Actress

Best Supporting Actress
- Penelope Cruz (Nine) – At this point, she’s reached the hotness category where it’s impossible to tell if she’s any good because you’re so enchanted by how gorgeous she is that there’s no divining any acting talent. In an age when there were fewer stars, she’d be our Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was the only saving grace in an otherwise awful movie.
- Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) – Didn’t just hold her own, beat Clooney at his own game. I have to admit, I love Vera Fermiga. I loved her in The Departed. I’m worried she’s getting started too late because she’s really good. She plays a real woman well. There are so few of those parts that get written that I’m worried she’s got no future. Here’s hoping.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart) – David Shula coached the Bengals for a while. Having a famous last name doesn't mean you're any good.
- Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) – Nice job kid. I don’t know if you have a future but I like you.
- Mo’nique (Precious) – Oprah made us do it.
WILL WIN: Farmiga. See “Clooney Year, et al.”
SHOULD WIN: Farmiga. I think this is the year the Oscars gets some things right.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Oscars 09-10 Preview Continued: All of the "Other" Awards

Best Animated Feature Film
- Coraline – We’re mandated to like this because of the artistry involved…but it wasn’t that good.
- Fantastic Mr. Fox – So, what we said about Coraline…yeah, you too.
- The Princess and the Frog – We’ve got 5 slots here…kind of a throw-back. I mean, thanks for trying.
- The Secret of Kells – Wow, we’re really having trouble coming up with 5 here. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs didn’t hit the spot?
- Up – So, this got nominated for best picture as well. And none of these other movies did. Awkward…
WILL/SHOULD WIN: Up.

Best Original Screenplay (Most names removed since, for the most part, no one cares about the writer)
- The Hurt Locker – Thanks for figuring out that no one wants their Iraq War politics in their Iraq War movie. Now work on your dialogue.
- Quentin Tarantino – Inglorious Basterds – You put a lot of work in. But the Samuel L voice-over? Really?
- The Messenger – Also a movie about Iraq vets. Thank you for playing.
- The Coens – A Serious Man – You guys…you’re good at this. Maybe we can just nominate you for the writing award and pretend we understood your movie? In fact, I’m officially re-naming this award after you. And that’s despite Burn After Reading.
- Up In the Air – Well written, true, but kind of meandering.
WILL WIN: Up In The Air – Has that “Hollywood Cares About the Headlines” feel.
SHOULD WIN: Tarantino. It’s close. The Coens rocked it and there’s something to be said for Up in the Air’s script. But I like that this script took its time. Also, I have to say...I really thought, all along, that some modicum of historical accuracy would be preserved. Much to everyone's delight, it was not.

Best Documentary
A bunch of movies you didn’t see.

Best Foreign Language Film
(See Best Documentary)

Best Original Score
Nothing comes to mind.

Best Song
No one makes good songs for movies any more

Best Visual Effects/Cinematography
Avatar. It’s kind of hard to ignore that ‘revolutionize the industry’ thing.

I'm told there are other categories. Can’t we just move them to that ceremony they hold on the previous day?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

2009-10 Oscars Preview Continued:BIGGEST SNUBS, WORST NOMINATIONS

BIGGEST SNUB:
- Brad Pitt – Best Supporting Actor – Inglorious Basterds. Look, it was fun. And it’s Brad Pitt. And we need another awkward brangelina/aniston moment. Big miss. (Still pulling for Jennifer).
- Michael Stulbarg – Best Actor – A Serious Man. This guy carried a difficult role. Credit is due.
- Fred Melamed – Best Supporting Actor – A Serious Man. If you’ve seen this movie, you will remember Sy Ableman for the rest of your life.
- Robert Downey Jr. – Best Actor – Sherlock Holmes. I just like having him around. Come on. If we don’t nominate him for things, he’ll do something silly…like cocaine…or The Soloist.
- Matt Damon – Best Actor – The Informant! Unlike his unremarkable turn in Invictus, this was a difficult role, less foreign accent, that I thought he carried well.
- Woody Harrelson – Best Supporting Actor – Zombieland. This movie is worthless without him; a cute script with low-wattage acting (except for the Bill Murray cameo, which was priceless).
- The Hangover – Best Original Screenplay. Come on; it’s a genius idea, and half the people I know now call each other reTARDS.
THE WINNER IS: Michael Stulbarg. Pitt and Melamed don’t have enough screen time. Harrelson and Damon were nominated for other, lesser performances. A low brow comedy script is never getting nominated for anything. Which leaves us with Stulbarg, who is the nobody who deserved a nod instead of the annual LGBT-token nod.

WORST NOMINATION:
- Stanley Tucci. I didn’t see The Lovely Bones. But COME ON! Stanley Tucci? He has to be either the president of the LGBT mafia or the grand wizard of Scientology because he’s got nothing to offer.
- Colin Firth. The voting isn’t done by professionals. It’s done by members of the academy. Now, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but there’s a lot of gay folks in LA. But honestly, by voting for everything gay for awards, they’re hurting themselves. It just adds to the stereotype that gay people are nothing beyond their sexual identity. And it wastes our time at the academy awards, because Colin (Insert Last Name Here) gets nominated instead of someone deserving. It’s as trite and offensive as terming everything insipid or distasteful ‘gay’. This nomination is gay.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal. I know your brother’s famous…but you’re just not very good at this. How much longer are you going to go on playing the girl in other people’s movies? Someone with talent might actually do something with one of these roles.
- An Education. The actress was good. The movie was not.
- Christopher Plummer. You are an old guy who is good at acting. You just played Leo Tolstoy…he’s famous too, you know. Normally, we would have given you an award by now. But we got mixed up by that whole Dumbledore actor dying thing. Anyway…look, we’re sorry we gave you mostly B-roles up till now. We do that to character actors. So, does this even things up?
WINNER IS: Stanley Tucci. Tucci is like Jamal Lewis, without the heyday. Why is he still getting reps?

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

2009-10 Oscars Preview Continued: Underrated Movies, Most Outlandish Movie Review, and Most Practical Lesson Learned from a Movie Gunfight

UNDERRATED MOVIES:
The Taking of Pelham 123, The Informant!

MOST OUTLANDISH MOVIE REVIEW OF THE YEAR:
Wa-Po Drops the Nazi Bomb on Transformers 2.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/23/AR2009062303462.html
Don’t believe me? It begins as follows: “With its fascist sensibility, assortment of smutty asides, illiterate gold-tooth-wearing homie robots and the hero's brainless mother, much of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is simply despicable. So complaining about one's physical discomfort seems petty. But given the relentless din, the Leni Riefenstahl-inspired music and the headache-inducing visuals, OSHA should probably be investigating the conditions under which human beings made this thing. Or the conditions under which they watch it.”
A simple 'no stars' would suffice. It’s Transformers 2, not Triumph of the Will.

MOST PRACTICAL LESSON LEARNED FROM A MOVIE GUNFIGHT:
From The International - Bring an assault rifle with you to any art show you might attend. Apparently cops don’t like art. Hence, there are apparently no available police in New York City to respond to a raging 20-30 minute tactical assault on the Guggenheim. So come armed. Otherwise, you will have brought a knife-like aesthetic sensibility to a gunfight.

Monday, February 08, 2010

TOP 10 DISAPPOINTING FILMS OF 2009:
10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wes Anderson has jumped the jaguar shark and there’s no turning back.
9. Taking Woodstock – This movie is not about Woodstock. It’s Brokeback Mountain: the Woodstock Years. Here’s a clue…if you’re going to make a movie about Woodstock, maybe some music would be appropriate? I get it Mr. Lee. You’re gay. Can we move on?
8. Away We Go – I know we all love Jim from The Office. But without Dwight and Michael around to make fun of, he's just some guy.
7. G.I. Joe – Failed to meet even my modest expectations (I was a He-Man kid). It’s just astounding that this movie came out AFTER Team America World Police…my friend Greg pointed this out mid-movie…how do you make a parody’s source material after the parody has already come out?
6. Watchmen – 15 months of previews for a lot of naked blue dude. I guess it's nice that reactionary politics finally have an outlet...What's a radio?
5. Terminator: Salvation – For the record, McG and I are also done professionally.
4. Nine – If DDL is going to stop cobbling shoes for a movie, it better not be a tedious musical tearing down Fellini.
3. Where the Wild Things Are – This actually is a pretty decent movie. Still, I can’t help but be disappointed. I loved this book. Spike Jonze has unrealized potential. James Gandolfini is Tony Soprano. There was a lot this movie could have been. Instead, it was above average.
2. Pirate Radio – This movie is almost an accomplishment in being so much less than the sum of its parts. You take pretty much every hilarious English actor, you put them on a boat with PSH, and you try to make a hymn to how good music was in the 60’s. Then you have Kenneth Brannaugh to tear it up as the bad guy and a cameo of January Jones in all her radiant glory. How is it possible that this movie was so painfully bad?
1. Public Enemies – It’s hard to go from “This will be the best movie of the year,” to “I fell asleep." Ultimately, Depp's just not the man to play Dillinger and Bale didn't have a character.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

THE BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
10. (TIE) Watchmen / The Soloist
9. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself
8. The Lovely Bones
7. Taking Woodstock
6. Whatever Works
5. My Bloody Valentine 3-D
4. The Limits of Control
3. Not Easily Broken
2. It Might Get Loud
1. He’s Just Not That Into You