Harry Potter V: Return of the Clones Report
Having not read the books, I have to say that I just don't have any emotional attachment to this series. Every movie is the same...fairly interesting, nice artistic flourishes, watchable, occasionally funny, but critically flawed (more later).
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Well, it's clear that there's WAAAYYY more in the book that just gets sprinkled in to the movie purely for fan interests. But it's for kids and it can't be too long. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: See above. They do their best, but they have to race for the sake of the kids' bladders. 8.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Since this is truly a series, and based on a book, the school year format is largely eschewed in favor of what has clearly become a series building to a finale. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Sequels: There's already a book. I can't give it a hard time. 6.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - This is probably more of a book review, but I don't much care for making the book/film socially relevant. But maybe it helps frame the world the kids are coming into. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I don't think this is at all the case. I think the writer very much likes the characters and enjoys writing these books. 1.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - My ambivalence couldn't be deeper here. The professional adults are all perfectly cast. Honestly, brilliant performances abound in this and the other films. But the kids...so uneven. Most of the second-tier kids are pretty good, although Harry Potter's girlfriend ought to be a lot hotter to be commanding all that attention. The basic problem is that Harry Potter and Hermione are just not that good. They're not terrible, but they're just not commanding attention, respect, or sympathy. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I think everyone likes the film series well enough. Harry Potter decided to get naked with a horse before jumping back into the breech. Apparently that commands respect in England? It worked for Elizabeth Berkeley. 1.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - They're already selling Hermione Granger diamond wands...on my freaking credit card insert. I can only imagine how many Luna Lovegood neck charms are being snapped up. At least the owl purchasing is probably at an end. Still, I don't think it's shameless. I think it's a response to real demand, not wholly ewok-esque. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease - I don't bring huge expectations to the series and the movie was exactly what I thought it should be. I just can't rate this film the way a fan would. 3.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. A solidly average sequel to a non-fan such as myself. I'm left with a dilemma - how to break the tie between Harry Potter and Fantastic Four? I think that the film with the longer title should be the bigger disappointment. Unfortunately, both have verbose titles of nearly equal length, depending largely on how one adds articles and spells out numbers. I'm going to give the nod to FF4:RotSS over HPatOotP, mostly because Potter is just a better movie.
The standings:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty - 52
5. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Ocean's 13 - 28
8. Die Hard 4 - 19
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Fantastic 42: Return of the Clones Report
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Evan Almighty: Return of the Clones Report
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
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