Barry Bonds or Kenny Rogers?
So, who is the worse cheater?
On the one dirty hand, obviously, steroids are controlled by the law and cause longterm health damage. So they are worse for the game's image and worse for their influence on the kids. They cause medical and legal issues that far outreach anything pinetar does to you.
On the other dirty hand, at least steroids are a form of self-improvement. You still have to work out like crazy, and you are trying to better your internal skills. Doctoring the ball involves no skill. It is an external cheat, a quick fix.
Plus, if you take steroids, everyone can see you are cheating. You're practically boasting. The whole point of the pinetar graft is to pretend you are honest.
I don't buy that "everyone does it" line. Everyone takes steroids too. Friends in major college sports tell me everyone on the baseball team is dirty, either serially or for a onetime boost.
No one talks about 'greenies', amphetamines that improve gametime performance. These are the worst in my opinion - you are absolutely breaking the law, you are damaging your health, of course you are cheating, but no one can see it, and it is a quick fix.
But no one does a story on those things. Didn't anyone wonder, "Hey, why did Rick Ankiel have a complete meltdown and disappear from baseball?"
The real issue here is that steroids are new, new as in within the past 2 decades. Aging pitchers have been doctoring balls forever. That doesn't give it a pass in my book.
So I would say that it is probably worse for the game and it's image for Bonds-style cheating over Rogers-style cheating. But as far as sportsmanship goes, I'd feel less wronged by giving up a bomb to Bonds than whiffing on an oblong ball from Rogers.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Men's Underwear Options: The Definitive Study
The purpose: Most men wear boxers. Boxers are aesthetically the most comfortable option. No one sees anything untoward. But are they really the ideal?
Definition of Terms: To avoid offending youths who might need this guide, we will using a euphemism chosen at random for certain parts of the body: the Letter-to-the Editor and the Business Reply Mail.
FACTS: We have 4 real underwear options once we're potty trained. We started with the tighty-whitey. We graduated to boxers in Junior High and High School. Somewhere along the line, someone added the boxer-briefs to the mix. And then there's that enigmatic commando option. There is the exotic option, the banana hammock, which deserves little consideration because a) it looks ridiculous, b) it's horribly uncomfortable, and c) no one wants to look like a European guy at the beach...UNDER THEIR CLOTHES NO LESS!!!
This study proposes to look at our options and make the proper suggestions.
1. Tighty-whiteys. There are good reasons why we start with these - they absorb excess dripping, they provide support, guiding The Letter-to-the-Editor and the Business Reply Mail through that reckless phase when we don't realize their importance and we like to run into things. And indeed they remain the best option for athletics throughout life, keeping the Letter-to-the-Editor and the business reply mail safely in the mailbags. But we all realized their limitations - they make it hot and sweaty in there, and eventually smelly. They're like diapers, they hold the Letter-to-the-Editor's hand through the roughdrafts.
2. Boxers. These made us feel like men - yes, I am wearing shorts underneath my pants. They clean up, the weather is tolerable. I'm flipping, I'm flopping. I've got a Letter-to-the-Editor and it deserves notice. So does the Business Reply Mail. Heck, boxers are even fit for more frequent reuse than the old T-W...they don't get dirty as fast. Sports are a concern, yes. But we're ok.
Then slowly, damningly, the disadvantages set in. First there's the riding up, the rising in. The Letter-to-the-Editor and the Business Reply Mail voice some dismay. But then the laundry process sets in and you are slowly drawn in to an inevitable cycle of discomfort. The boxers folks realize that their item doesn't need replacing like a razor or even like a normal piece of clothing - who cares if the colors fade if you can't see them. Sure boxers aren't like jeans...no one's going for the 'pre-worn look' but a faded boxer never scared anyone off.
The boxers' makers really only have one item working in their favor - fast-food. The inevitability of a man's laziness, unwillingness to cook, and naturally slowing metabolism mean that the rear's growth is all but a foregone conclusion. We eat like we're at the training table long after they take high school football from us. The boxer must widen accordingly.
This may come as news to you. When I bought my first pair, I asked my dad about sizes. He said, "Just get your waste size." I had a strange look on my face - wasn't there 1-3 things that needed a little more consideration? So he laughed, "What did you think the sizes went by?" Laugh as he may, my concern was warranted. How can my Letter-to-the-Editor not get a little more consideration? You see, some of us are Asian, and some of us are Italian. And apparently, all the boxers' makers are Asian women. Because you would have to buy boxers whose elastic barely stretches around your waist to enough room for your Letter-to-the-Editor. Sure, it seems alright before you put your pants on. But once the pants go on, the mail gets sorted, and it needs to pick a direction. And in that choice, you're right back in tighty-whities.
To make matters worse, they make the elastic shrink. I swear they use sweater fabric on boxers because they shring WAY faster than normal clothes. The idea is simple - as the Letter-to-the-Editor gets choked off at the opening sentences and the Business Reply Mail piles up, we'll go out and buy more boxers. They've transplanted the idea behind the lightbulb business to our beloved postal business!
The Boxer-Brief - the boxer-brief is really supposed to be the beginning stages of phasing out the tighty-whitey. That's the idea. But I have grave concerns about this new contender. Yes it is more aesthetically pleasing and politically correct than the tighty-whitey. It still gives out hints about the contents of the Letter-to-the-Editor for the audience's sake. The idea seems to be - guys will be more comfortable walking around in these things in the lockerroom, and the ladies will get what they need. But it's one of those ideas like New Coke or the Hair Plugs that sounds great in theory but goes woefully awry in practice.
You see, as a man, you have a choice. You can go tight for support for your letter-to-the-editor, but then you're forcing yourself into a pair of underpants that are DESIGN TO RISE UP. Or you can go loose, and you're basically getting a pair of boxers with an ungodly vendetta against your business reply mail.
Commando - At first glance, it sounds crazy. No underwear? What substances are you inflicting on your poor pants! What if someone pantses you or, heaven forbid, an unfortunate XYZ situation lets everyone read both your letter-to-the-editor and your business reply mail when they are in no condition for public consumption. Indeed, commando is a wholly unsuitable option through any age in which a pantsing is a possibility. There's the occasional situation in which you will be taking off your pants...say a physical...when you'll obviously want something to keep matters under control.
But reexamine the possibilities - you get all the room you could need, there's no rising up, no riding in. Kramer may have grossed you out, but was he a genius? Your humble correspondent can say that, in the interests of this study, he tried it, and his letter-to-the-editor and his business reply mail couldn't be happier. However, don't go jogging in this condition...ever. Women are only human and you can cause a traffic accident.
Until the boxers makers employ some men, and I mean straight men, not gay men forcing us towards bizarre dreams of a legion of banana-hammock wearers, I must reccomend a multifold strategy based primarily on the Commando and the tighty-whitey or boxer brief. The commando for work and relaxing, the briefs for sports. Then you can keep a few pairs of boxers on hand for when you go to the doctor.
The purpose: Most men wear boxers. Boxers are aesthetically the most comfortable option. No one sees anything untoward. But are they really the ideal?
Definition of Terms: To avoid offending youths who might need this guide, we will using a euphemism chosen at random for certain parts of the body: the Letter-to-the Editor and the Business Reply Mail.
FACTS: We have 4 real underwear options once we're potty trained. We started with the tighty-whitey. We graduated to boxers in Junior High and High School. Somewhere along the line, someone added the boxer-briefs to the mix. And then there's that enigmatic commando option. There is the exotic option, the banana hammock, which deserves little consideration because a) it looks ridiculous, b) it's horribly uncomfortable, and c) no one wants to look like a European guy at the beach...UNDER THEIR CLOTHES NO LESS!!!
This study proposes to look at our options and make the proper suggestions.
1. Tighty-whiteys. There are good reasons why we start with these - they absorb excess dripping, they provide support, guiding The Letter-to-the-Editor and the Business Reply Mail through that reckless phase when we don't realize their importance and we like to run into things. And indeed they remain the best option for athletics throughout life, keeping the Letter-to-the-Editor and the business reply mail safely in the mailbags. But we all realized their limitations - they make it hot and sweaty in there, and eventually smelly. They're like diapers, they hold the Letter-to-the-Editor's hand through the roughdrafts.
2. Boxers. These made us feel like men - yes, I am wearing shorts underneath my pants. They clean up, the weather is tolerable. I'm flipping, I'm flopping. I've got a Letter-to-the-Editor and it deserves notice. So does the Business Reply Mail. Heck, boxers are even fit for more frequent reuse than the old T-W...they don't get dirty as fast. Sports are a concern, yes. But we're ok.
Then slowly, damningly, the disadvantages set in. First there's the riding up, the rising in. The Letter-to-the-Editor and the Business Reply Mail voice some dismay. But then the laundry process sets in and you are slowly drawn in to an inevitable cycle of discomfort. The boxers folks realize that their item doesn't need replacing like a razor or even like a normal piece of clothing - who cares if the colors fade if you can't see them. Sure boxers aren't like jeans...no one's going for the 'pre-worn look' but a faded boxer never scared anyone off.
The boxers' makers really only have one item working in their favor - fast-food. The inevitability of a man's laziness, unwillingness to cook, and naturally slowing metabolism mean that the rear's growth is all but a foregone conclusion. We eat like we're at the training table long after they take high school football from us. The boxer must widen accordingly.
This may come as news to you. When I bought my first pair, I asked my dad about sizes. He said, "Just get your waste size." I had a strange look on my face - wasn't there 1-3 things that needed a little more consideration? So he laughed, "What did you think the sizes went by?" Laugh as he may, my concern was warranted. How can my Letter-to-the-Editor not get a little more consideration? You see, some of us are Asian, and some of us are Italian. And apparently, all the boxers' makers are Asian women. Because you would have to buy boxers whose elastic barely stretches around your waist to enough room for your Letter-to-the-Editor. Sure, it seems alright before you put your pants on. But once the pants go on, the mail gets sorted, and it needs to pick a direction. And in that choice, you're right back in tighty-whities.
To make matters worse, they make the elastic shrink. I swear they use sweater fabric on boxers because they shring WAY faster than normal clothes. The idea is simple - as the Letter-to-the-Editor gets choked off at the opening sentences and the Business Reply Mail piles up, we'll go out and buy more boxers. They've transplanted the idea behind the lightbulb business to our beloved postal business!
The Boxer-Brief - the boxer-brief is really supposed to be the beginning stages of phasing out the tighty-whitey. That's the idea. But I have grave concerns about this new contender. Yes it is more aesthetically pleasing and politically correct than the tighty-whitey. It still gives out hints about the contents of the Letter-to-the-Editor for the audience's sake. The idea seems to be - guys will be more comfortable walking around in these things in the lockerroom, and the ladies will get what they need. But it's one of those ideas like New Coke or the Hair Plugs that sounds great in theory but goes woefully awry in practice.
You see, as a man, you have a choice. You can go tight for support for your letter-to-the-editor, but then you're forcing yourself into a pair of underpants that are DESIGN TO RISE UP. Or you can go loose, and you're basically getting a pair of boxers with an ungodly vendetta against your business reply mail.
Commando - At first glance, it sounds crazy. No underwear? What substances are you inflicting on your poor pants! What if someone pantses you or, heaven forbid, an unfortunate XYZ situation lets everyone read both your letter-to-the-editor and your business reply mail when they are in no condition for public consumption. Indeed, commando is a wholly unsuitable option through any age in which a pantsing is a possibility. There's the occasional situation in which you will be taking off your pants...say a physical...when you'll obviously want something to keep matters under control.
But reexamine the possibilities - you get all the room you could need, there's no rising up, no riding in. Kramer may have grossed you out, but was he a genius? Your humble correspondent can say that, in the interests of this study, he tried it, and his letter-to-the-editor and his business reply mail couldn't be happier. However, don't go jogging in this condition...ever. Women are only human and you can cause a traffic accident.
Until the boxers makers employ some men, and I mean straight men, not gay men forcing us towards bizarre dreams of a legion of banana-hammock wearers, I must reccomend a multifold strategy based primarily on the Commando and the tighty-whitey or boxer brief. The commando for work and relaxing, the briefs for sports. Then you can keep a few pairs of boxers on hand for when you go to the doctor.
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