OSCARS NOMINATION NOMINATIONS

WORST NOMINATION NOMINATIONS:

• Best Original Screenplay - Craig Borten & Melisa Wallack - Dallas Buyers Club
• Best Cinematography - The Grandmaster
• Best Original Song - Alone Yet Not Alone
• Best Animated Feature - Having This Category
• Best Documentary - Dirty Wars
• Best Supporting Actress - Julia Roberts - August: Osage County
• Best Actress - Dame Judy Dench - Philomena
• Best Film - Captain Phillips

WINNER: Best Original Song - Alone Yet Not Alone

It's only fitting that the nomination so bad it was disqualified wins...by disqualification. 

• The Dallas Buyers Club screenplay was disqualified for being good to the first 50 pages. 
• The Best Cinematography nomination was removed from consideration for being foreign (and martial arts!), and therefore probably pretty good if anyone actually watched it. 
• The Best Animated Feature nomination was mired in accusations that it was a category, not a film. 
• Best Documentary was nixed for not being a documentary - as an example - as one Netflix reviewer points out, Mr. Scahill's "scoop" on the existence of JSOC in 2006 loses steam when one realizes that JSOC had a pretty extensive Wikipedia page at the time. It's not a scoop if you're only dispelling your own ignorance. 
• Best Supporting Actress was axed because Julia Roberts is always the star.
• Best Actress was disallowed because, if she's nominated for Dame, she's nominated for actress
• Captain Phillips got mired up in the Best Documentary scandal after it was pointed out that, despite accusations from survivors that its subject had lied about events, it was probably more accurate than Dirty Wars.

MOST AWKWARD CATEGORY

BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING. Check out these nominees

• Dallas Buyers Club
• Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa
• The Lone Ranger

How great would it be to have 3 minutes of supercilious nonsense from a self-important presenter, let's call her Barbara Streisand, about the integrity of the makeup and hairstyling arts, followed by, "And he winner is: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa." Almost as great as the awkwardness of a Woody Allen win...that's how great.

BIGGEST SNUB:

• Best Director - Spike Jonze - Her
• Best Supporting Actress - Margot Robbie - The Wolf of Wall Street
• Best Supporting Actress - Scarlett Johanssen - Don Jon
• Best Supporting Actor - Tom Hiddleston - Thor: The Dark World
• Best Actress - Adele Exarchopolous - Blue is the Warmest Color
• Best Actor - Joaquin Phoenix - Her
• Best Actor - Leonardo DiCaprio - The Great Gatsby
• Best Original Song - Lana Del Ray Young and Beautiful - The Great Gatsby

WINNER: Joaquin Phoenix - Her

Margot Robbie and Scarlett Johanssen are kind of playing the same character. Strangely, so is Leo in both Wolf and Gatsby; call me old-fashioned but I prefer the 20's vision of the con man to our own. And Lana Del Ray's song is so obvious an injustice that it's best to let it be. Joaquin Phoenix, however, is not a tolerable miss. He is in every scene of Her, in fact nearly every single second of screentime is him. And, for the most part, it's him talking to no one. The thing about this role to emphasize is how easily Her could have been a laughingstock. The premise - in love with an AI - is silly, so much so that most people would rightfully not even bother. It's worth taking serious because Phoenix can capture the silliness of it and the seriousness of it at the same time. And he does sort of look like a certain dashing blogger. 

 

Oscars Preview: Best Director, Best Film

Best Director

• David O. Russell - American Hustle
• Alfonso Cuaron - Gravity
• Alexander Payne - Nebraska
• Steve McQueen (No not that Steve McQueen) - 12 Years a Slave
• Martin Scorcese - The Wolf of Wall Street

WILL WIN: Alfonso Cuaron - Gravity

SHOULD WIN: Alfonso Cuaron - Gravity

BIGGEST SNUB: Spike Jonze - Her

Did I mention the bit about filming in Space?

Harvey Weinstein Presents the Best Picture

• American Hustle - Everything about this movie is just good. Everything. 
• Captain Phillips - A big-budget re-enactment of a minor incident at sea, told with the subtlety of a powerdrill and the insight of a drive-by shooting. 
• Dallas Buyers Club - A brilliant performance surrounded by half a movie. The first half is outstanding - well-paced, believable. The latter half is a flaccid mess. The punch line is that after spending an hour outraged at a specific drug, the movie ends with an ambiguous note that this same drug, in lesser dosages, was used in an AIDS cocktail that extended the lives of millions. I'm still confused - are we being told that this whole screed was pointless? Or that it succeeded in getting a better dosage? Or that the evil drug company kept winning? All of these things? Luckily, we can all take comfort in the unambiguous miracle of science that the Egyptian military found the cure and can now feed your your AIDS back to you as a nutritious kebab. Look forward to Dallas Buyers Club 2: The Cairo Connect. 
• Gravity - What I haven't already mentioned is that by having no plot or cultural bymarkers to speak of, this movie is just as empty entertainment in every language and market as it was in America.
• Her - Spike Jonze is always interesting if not overly subtle. I think this is his best work to date and, I'd wager, possibly the best work he will do. The premise had a high "possibly awful" factor which goes mostly unrealized. And no I'm not partial to this because it stars my doppleganger. 
• Nebraska - It has the pace of a Grandpa Simpson story but each casting decision, most importantly of a SNL washout as a bit of a loser, was spot on.
• Philomena - It's not a good movie, though it is a Harvey Weinstein movie...but I repeat myself. You keep waiting for the nuns to do something to redeem themselves, but no! They're even more vile than you could have imagined! The nominations were all backwards on this one.  Judi Dench is an autonomination except she never does lose her dame-bloom in trying to play country. Meanwhile, Steve Coogan is uncomfortably believable as an arrogant prick, yet goes unacknowledged.
• 12 Years a Slave - Where this broke new ground is that there has not been a cannon movie about being a slave before. It was an error that needed correcting and this one does it admirably. It's not groundbreaking or brilliant, and the long cuts of Southern scenery are jarringly inept. This was my second most memorable viewing experience of the year, because the young lady who accompanied me balled her eyes out, informing me that she, "feels the weight of historical injustice more than most people." Including, it would seem, more than the two elderly black women seated next to us, who never murmured a peep.
• The Wolf of Wall Street - Destined to be the rallying cry of every jobber, hack, and con man for generations to come. Unapologetic, hilarious, ribald, and extraordinarily entertaining. It has absolutely no chance, except in hell.

WILL WIN: 12 Years a Slave

SHOULD WIN: American Hustle

WORST NOMINEE: Captain Phillips

Oscars Preview Acting Awards

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

• Sally Hawkins - Blue Jasmine - Not to be ignored while Blanchett is acting all over you
• Jennifer Lawrence - American Hustle - The most memorable character on film
• Lupita Nyung'o - 12 Years a Slave - The most memorable character on paper
• Julia Roberts - August:Osage County - What's more awkward than a major movie star doing one of these Harvey Weinstein sanctioned "nominate me" roles in a bad "nominate me" movie? Not being any good in it.
• June Squibb - Nebraska - Every year we forget - It's not acting if you're just playing yourself. 

WILL WIN: Lupita Nyong'o

SHOULD WIN: Jennifer Lawrence

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE: Julia Roberts

SNUBS:  Scarlett Johanssen - Her/Don Jon, Margot Robbie - The Wolf of Wall Street, Rooney Mara - Side Effects

To be honest, I'd almost say Margot Robbie should win it but she's barely got any scenes. Still, she's the source of my annual favorite moment of living in a place with a lot of vocal audience members. Out she comes from the bathroom, stark naked, and one guy in front of me shouts, "DAMNNNNNNNNN!" and his buddy next to him, "Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm." 

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN (RIP) AWARD FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

• Barkhad Abdi - Captain Phillips - Abdi's inclusion, and most of the Captain Phillips love, is a mystery to me. Not that he's bad; indeed, I sort of love the notion that you can pull a cab driver off the streets of Minneapolis and declare him a movie star. It tweaks the whole notion of acting as a skill. Abdi feels natural because he's playing a Somali fish-out-of-water, which is probably just how a Somali immigrant cab driver feels making a movie.
• Bradley Cooper - American Hustle - The most interesting and difficult character in a movie full of great characters and great perofrmances
• Michael Fassbender - 12 Years a Slave - Terrific as always, but a bit of a one-trick villain
• Jonah Hill - The Wolf of Wall Street - At least he earned it this time.
• Jared Leto - Dallas Buyers Club - He never felt natural in this character to me. 

WILL WIN: Jared Leto

SHOULD WIN: Bradley Cooper

SNUBS: Daniel Bruhl - Rush, Benedict Cumberbatch - The Hobbit 2, Joel Edgerton - The Great Gatsby, Fred Melamed - In a World, Tom Hiddleston - Thor: The Dark World

Always the most competitive category, this year is no different. What does it for me is the scene where Cooper's aping a mopey Louis C. Kay - my favorite all year. My snubs list is long, but a special honor should be reserved for Hiddleston. Marvel loved his Loki so that it made of him it's only recurring villain. 

MERYL STREEP AWARD FOR BEST ACTRESS

• Amy Adams - American Hustle - I usually don't like her, but this time I really did.
• Cate Blanchett - Blue Jasmine - I always like her, but this time, her character was Raging Bull-repulsive
• Sandra Bullock - Gravity - The full range of zero-G survival on display
• Judi Dench - Philomena - Too posh to play Irish June Squibb.
• Meryl Streep - August: Osage County - After all, the award is named after her...

WILL WIN: Cate Blanchett

SHOULD WIN: Cate Blanchett

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES: Judi Dench, Meryl Streep

BIGGEST SNUBS: Adele Exarchopoulos - Blue is the Warmest Color - Every year, it seems we get an actress nominee from a steamy French semi-pornographic art house pic. That's how we ended up with Marion Cotillard being the dullest of all of Nolan's lifeless Batman love interests. Anyhow, Exarchopoulos goes one further by playing one in a Cannes award winning movie about lesbians. And she's incredible! 

...but at this rate we might have to name it after Cate Blanchett. 

DANIEL DAY LEWIS AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR

• Christian Bale - American Hustle - Watch out DDL. Bale is pulling into range.
• Bruce Dern - Nebraska - Also playing himself
• Leonardo DiCaprio - The Wolf of Wall Street - We can only assume the death by plane crash of the cabal of anonymous Academy voters who have decided to consistently nominate everyone in everything he's been in except Leo himself.
• Matthew McConaughey - Dallas Buyers Club - Bale did the losing weight thing before it was "the thing actors do to show they're serious"
• Chiwetel Ejiofor - 12 Years a Slave - The commanding performance we expected from Idris Elba as Mandela and Forrest Whitaker as Forrest Gump. The scene where he's on his tip-toes with the noose on his neck - wow. 

WILL WIN: Matthew McConaughey

SHOULD WIN: Leonardo DiCaprio

BIGGEST SNUBS: Leonardo DiCaprio - The Great Gatsby, Tom Hanks - Captain Phillips, Joaquin Phoenix - Her

McConaughey knits the film together even as the script veers from interesting to unprofessional. But Leo is way overdue, he should get bonus points for being our best Gatsby, and brings the house down on at least 5 occasions, from his non-resignation speech to the epic cerebral palsy walk.

Oscars Preview: Best Documentary and Best Animated Feature

Best Animated Feature

I watched one of the movies (Despicable Me 2)and regretted it. Chances are if you saw more than one, you share my remorse.

• The Croods
• Despicable Me 2
• Ernest & Celestine
• Frozen
• The Wind Rises

WILL WIN: Frozen

SHOULD WIN: Anything not called Despicable Me 2.

WORST NOMINATION NOMINATION: Having this category.

With each passing year that Pixar fails to live up to its pedigree, this category becomes less and less justifiable.  Perhaps one of the foreign films is tolerable for adults, or perhaps they are all just kids' movies. Meanwhile, Disney keeps churning out sequels from the lower-range of Pixar's catalogue. It's as though Disney bought Pixar just to make it average, so that Disney could retake the crown of the animation genre. The Academy has obliged, voting for The Croods and two foreign flicks that no one could have possibly seen instead of Monsters University. I don't have the heart to even call it a snub. If we are going to indulge a demographic this way, why is Best BroCom or Best ChickFlick unworthy?

Best Documentary

I watched these so you don't have to. 

• The Act of Killing - Surreal to the point that I openly question if this was staged or scripted. The premise is that a bunch of Indonesian paramilitary thugs make a movie about their former exploits. The documentary is about that movie. Their lack of self-awareness is so ludicrous that, given the sketchy premise, my bullshit geiger counter is registering lethal doses.
• Cutie and the Boxer - A charming if slow sales pitch for an almost famous Japanese/American artist and his wife, a lesser genius but perhaps a greater commercial success. There are moments of blinding insight about the artistic process, most especially a moving archive clip where the struggling artist sobs out his love of life and his defense of his failing career. And we are supposed, at times, to be in on a joke in that he calls himself the genius while her work about his genius appeals more to gallery-goers. The problem is that it feels like we are being sold both of their work through the movie. It's like a high-brow episode of Coco Loves Ice or Duck Dynasty where they're really just marketing a cook book. 
• Dirty Wars - The monument to a journalist and his ego, told against the background of the war on terror.
• The Square - An in-depth but flawed post mortem of the Egyptian revolution. There are two basic problems with the film - one is that it does not spend enough time setting up the fall of Mubarak. There is none of the furious elation of that moment; instead it's the start of the movie, and it's not captured well. But more importantly, there just isn't enough footage. This is one small morality play from one cameraman telling us that the revolution may not be televised but it will be on social media. Thing is, this revolution was televised and the footage was astounding. Making a documentary without the camel charge, the lines of men praying against the water cannons on the bridge into Tahrir, the ominous fireworks of the second revolution...it seems to have missed the epic drama by humanizing it too much.
• 20 Feet From Stardom - Of these five, the one to watch. This is the story of the best back-up singers in the business. They are not back-up singers, they are the stars you should have heard of. They are the voices who owned Jagger in "Gimme Shelter" and who parried with Joe Cocker in "With a Little Help From My Friends." And all of the stars, or those who didn't fry their brains with drugs, are willing to go on camera and say, "You should know these ladies as well as you know me." 

WILL WIN: The Act of Killing

SHOULD WIN: The Gatekeepers

BIGGEST SNUB: Blackfish

WORST NOMINATION: Dirty Wars

Obviously my favorite of the nominees was 20 Feet From Stardom. But last year was a much stronger year for documentaries and The Gatekeepers was all but unavailable for watching prior to the Oscars. It is an astonishing watch and far more nuanced and believable than The Act of Killing. 

Oscars Preview Day 1: The Art Awards

Best Original Screenplay:

• American Hustle - Eric Warren Singer & David O. Russell
• Blue Jasmine - Woody Allen
• Dallas Buyers Club - Craig Borten & Melisa Wallack
• Her - Spike Jonze
• Nebraska - Bob Nelson

WILL WIN: Spike Jonze - Her

SHOULD WIN: Woody Allen - Blue Jasmine

BIGGEST SNUB: Inside Llewyn Davis

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE: Craig Borten & Melisa Wallack

Let me say this: Spike Jonze should win. But for entertainment's sake, Woody Allen should win. Most uncomfortable moment in live television award show history, right? Let's go for broke and make Mia Farrow the presenter. Ellen has to have 10 minutes of priceless material on this that she's not allowed to use unless Woody wins. 

Best Adapted Screenplay:

• Before Midnight - Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke
• Captain Phillips - Billy Ray
• Philomena - Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope
• 12 Years a Slave - John Ridley
• The Wolf of Wall Street - Terence Winter

WILL WIN: John Ridley - 12 Years a Slave

SHOULD WIN: John Ridley - 12 Years a Slave

BIGGEST SNUB/WORST NOMINATION: N/A

That audible digital groan when this award is announced will be the collective film reviewers of America lamenting that Linklater's unwatched trilogy went unawarded. But adapting an obscure freeman/slave's diary into a movie with the film pacing and period-appropriate dialogue was far more difficult and deserving of reward.

Best Cinematography:

• The Grandmaster
• Gravity
• Inside Llewyn Davis
• Nebraska
• Prisoners

WILL WIN: Gravity

SHOULD WIN: Gravity

BIGGEST SNUB: 12 Years a Slave

WORST NOMINATION: The Grandmaster

Filming in space has to count for something.

Best Visual Effects

• Gravity
• The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
• Iron Man 3
• The Lone Ranger
• Star Trek: Into Darkness

WILL WIN: Gravity

SHOULD WIN: Gravity

Honestly, they filmed in space, right?

Best Original Score:

• The Book Thief - John Williams - aimless fascist piano music
• Gravity - Steven Price - In space, they can't hear you scream, but there is the relentless din of anxiety
• Her - William Butler & Owen Pallett - Arcade Fire rocks
• Philomena - Alexandre Desplat - Padding Harvey Weinstein's nomination stats
• Saving Mr. Banks - Thomas Newman - lots of piano in major keys

WILL WIN: Gravity

SHOULD WIN: Her

Best Original Song

• Happy by Pharrell Williams in Despicable Me 2 - Wildly overplayed pop that grows off you
• Let It Go by Disney in Frozen - Solid feminist power ballad all wrapped in Disney
• The Moon Song by Karen O in Her - Indie folk goodness
• Ordinary Love by U2 in Mandela - Do they know it's Oscar time at all?
• DISQUALIFIED: Alone Yet Not Alone 

WILL WIN: Let It Go from Frozen

SHOULD WIN: Lana Del Rey Young and Beautiful in The Great Gatsby (or The Moon Song from the actual nominees)

BIGGEST SNUBS: Almost every song on the Great Gatsby soundtrack, Shine on You Crazy Diamond cover from Dead Man Down, almost every song from the Inside Llewyn Davis soundtrack, Atlas by Cold Play in Hunger Games 2, I See Fire by Ed Sheeran in Hobbit 2

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE: Alone Yet Not Alone

When I stoop to defending Cold Play, you know something has gone horribly wrong. You can forgive the Academy for wanting the performer to show up after the incident in which Eminem apparently sent a homeless Pistons fan still edgy from the Malice at the Palace in his place. Ms. Streisand is still recovering from the effrontery to her oxy-induced "Songs are amazing things," introduction. And check out Cameron Diaz's hairtwisting, despair: "I can't believe this guy is going to die with an Oscar and I won't."

Anyways, this list is a debacle - a few b-grade nominations, and the nod so egregious it got turned into a "no" headshake. Clearly a lot of my own picks really aren't original, but at least have the advantage of be being good covers of very good music. 

Word is that someone ran a whisper campaign claiming Lana Del Ray's song wasn't eligible, which raises the question: who could care enough to do such a thing? The usual suspects have to be the nominees. The dq-ed song from the thing that was barely a movie was clearly the fallguy in this Machiavellian scheme. Karen O was probably high and Pharrel Williams is reportedly still happy. That leaves the most obviously evil nominees: Disney and U2. My lead suspect is Bono. Disney has so many original song Oscars it probably sold a few at the gift shop on accident. Meanwhile, what prize is missing from Bono's trophy case? An Oscar. And don't think his ego doesn't need it; after all, the man WROTE THE FOREWARD TO HIS OWN BIOGRAPHY! Go back to that Eminem win above - that was a U2 loss! He wants it so bad! Don't let Bono get away with it, Academy voters! Anyhow, when the Disneyborg reports to the front of the theater to assimilate its latest award, I hope they cut to an anguished Bono. Better yet, cut to some guy wearing a suitjacket over a basketball jersey laughing at anguished Bono.

Musically, the two most important movies of the year were Gatsby and Inside Llewyn Davis. Neither got a nomination. 

Modest Achievement Awards

This year we introduce the Modest Achievement Awards, remembering the movies we'll probably forget:

Best Comic Book Movie of the Year:

• Iron Man 3
• Man of Steel
• Thor: The Dark World
• Wolverine

WINNER: Thor: The Dark World. Marvel's crush on Thor (or Hemsworth) catapults him to an upset over his more famous colleagues.

Cable-Worthy Comedy of the Year

• Delivery Man
• The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
• The Internship
• This is the End
• We Are the Millers

WINNER: This is the End. The concept of the award is that one of these comedies is going to be the one that gets a lot funnier on repeated viewing, and end up a cable-driven hit. This is the End has everyone funny in it, being funny. It's not brilliant but you'll be seeing a lot more of it. Until half the actors in it, playing themselves, get forgotten, and then it's meaningless. 

Tolerable RomCom of the Year:

• About Time
• Enough Said

WINNER: About Time. As good as it is to see Ms. Dreyfus get work, About Time is charming in that it's just a love story. There's no drama that keeps the lovers apart and finally gets resolved so they can be together. There's no hijinx, no surprises, no ensemble cast, no gimmicks. There's just love. In that, there's no gimmick needed. 

Movies I Wanted to Like More Than I Did:

• Dead Man Down - A great Pink Floyd cover and Noomi Rapace can't hide Colin Farrel's inability to headline a movie. 
• The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - Tolkien's fear of killing any of his creations make the 5th movie in this line too tame in a Game of Thrones world. I loved the barrel chase scene, it was easily the best action sequence of the year. But without killing, there is no consequence. Without consequence, there is no drama, just a series of amusement park rides. 
• The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - The first one set the bar so low that it's easy to confuse "watchable" with "good".
• In A World - Some clever lines, but also no theme and an empty plot-line about the sister's infidelity that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.
• Pain & Gain - Michael Bay, the Rock, Marky Mark, weight lifting, and crime. And it's not that bad. Which is the problem - it's trying a little too hard to be a good movie when it should be satisfied being a Michael Bay movie. 
• Prisoners - The problem with these twist thrillers is that the bad guy and his/her motivation is always a let down. Which means everything else has to be good. And there is a lot here that is good. But not Silence of the Lambs  good. 
• Side Effects and Trance - Two movies with very similar profiles - Hitchcock-light, you never know where they're going. It's always refreshing to have someone tell a story you haven't heard before, but in both cases, the twist reveal is merely good. Worse, there's no soul to either, just twists. 

Most Comforting Development: No Longer Needing to Pretend Ryan Reynolds is a Movie Star

Ryan Reynolds took two voice-over animation roles, neither of them contractually-obligated sequels. Given that the primary reason he's famous is that ladies find him attractive, that's a pretty sure sign that he can't act, at least in the roles he's been given; no one wants to see him say anything on screen. Somehow he managed to crash two summer blockbusters, one an animated film, the other, a tentpole called R.I.P.D that was so bad that it made less money than Meryl Streep oscar vehicle August: Osage County. In 2014, he has another voice over and a lead role in a small drama opposite Rosario Dawson, whose career already reached the same place as Reynolds'. The problem is simple - he's not funny, and he's too much of a bro to be serious. All that's left is action, and while he's a big dude, somehow he seems as threatening as a cheese sandwich - he could give you indigestion, but not much more.

Final Dubious Achievement Awards Part 5 of 5

Star Wars Award for Colossal Disappointment:

• After Earth
• Elysium
• Ender's Game
• The Lone Ranger
• World War Z

WINNER: The Lone Ranger. As I've already noted, trying to update an icon with revisionist history is a really bad idea because it has no audience. With this the latest in a long series of non-Marvel Disney busts aimed at small boys, the question becomes one of whether Disney has any clue what boys under age 12 want to watch. As the success of Frozen and its strong female lead demonstrates, its clear that Disney has the under-12 girls audience lined up with the critics. But for boys, they're clueless. Clearly the politicized history and anti-corporate canon was never going to capture their imagination. I'm moved to offer advice on alternative possibilities, but it's Disney - instead of figuring out how to do it themselves, they bought Marvel and they bought Star Wars. If Disney's busy homogenizing Pixar into moneymakng irrelevance, it's clear they've at least left Marvel alone. And there's nothing they can do to Star Wars that George Lucas hasn't already done to it. Still...where have you gone Mickey Mouse? A Mickey Mouse Congress passed a law to help Disney extend its copyright through 2019. The least Disney could do was try in return.

Most Ridiculous Moment:

The Wolverine's conclusion

Marvel promised that they would do right by Wolverine, delivering a gritty, Nolan-esque drama. for most of the movie, they're almost as good as their word. It's moving, it's got ideas...well, at least as far as comic book movies go. Then a Godzilla villain crashlands onscreen for 10 minutes of boss battle that would make a videogame designer blush. All your life are belong to us.

The North Korean Regime Made Me Do It:

The Call

What is Halle Berry doing here? This is an "I am not a movie star" role. Was she kidnapped by Dennis Rodman and forced to perform in this 911 operator Rear View knock-off was his obscure and sinister purposes? 

The Movie I'm Embarrassed to Say I Enjoyed:

Movie 43

Bad Grandpa is the approved low-brow comedy of the year. Movie 43 got a Razzie nomination. Well, I think Hugh Jackman having a pair of balls under his chin is funny. 

 

Dubious Achievements Part 4: Genre Awards

Make It Stop Award for Worst or Least Necessary Sequel, Non-Animated:

• A Good Day to Die Hard
• Grown Ups 2
• Kick-Ass 2
• Paranormal Activity 5
• Red 2 

DISQUALIFIED AFTER PROMISING TO STOP: The Hangover Part 3

WINNER: Grudge Match. 

Surprise! Grudge Match is an original film you say? No, it is a Rocky sequel. In fact, it is also a Rocky parody. And it is a Rocky remake, since it reuses the plot-line from the last Rocky movie. This makes it the world's first Requarody. Robert DeNiro shows up to ape his role in Raging Bull, which is halfway down the infamy-405 to a Scary Movie version of Schindler's List. In reality, Robert DeNiro shows up to collect a paycheck in exchange for getting in shape. If he has to appear on screen and say a few lines, well, so does the bulimic chick from The Biggest Loser. Which leads me to Sylvester Stallone. When he made the loving if tedious Rocky Balboa, everyone agreed to smile and say nice things so that Mr. Stallone could retire gracefully. After all, he appears to be stitched together by plastic surgery and deer antler spray. Instead, he mistook this as an invitation to make a comeback. Eric Hoffer is often misquoted as saying that every great cause starts out as a movement, becomes a business, and ends up a racket. Mr. Stallone's second movement has reached "racket" phase multo crescendo. Speaking of which...he's making The Expendables 3. If it's as bad as it looks, we may have to rechristen this the Stallone, Make It Stop Award. 

Worst Reboot:

• Evil Dead
• The Lone Ranger
• Oz, The Great and the Powerful

WINNER: The Evil Dead

 The Lone Ranger is an American icon, and you can't make a movie about an icon while trying to stuff your revisionist history into it. The boomer nostalgia audience is offended and the millenial adolescent male is just perplexed. Otherwise, it's an OK flick. Oz, however, foregoes the original book's revisionist Gold-Silver debate history in favor of angling at the starting point of the classic film. The result is brilliant on the reel-ends: you get the  black-and-white James Franco doing the opening monologue as an inspired fake wizard and then setting up the original film on the back end with the same schtick. Unfortunately, in the middle, the introduction of color brings with it the uninterested Oscar-host James Franco. Enter Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, and Mila Kunis competing for least interesting witch. Mr. Franco opens the envelope and the remarkably untalented Kunis is the winner by a landslide. 

Evil Dead, however, is a stillborn concept - it's trying to take an occult classic and reboot it as a moneymaking franchise. But all it really achieves is convincing you that neither this, nor any of the originals, are any good, and that the genre it started has been beaten to undeath.

Best/Worst Laughably Bad Action Movie:

• After Earth 
• Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
• The Last Stand
• Oblivion
• Pacific Rim

DISQUALIFIED BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY HAD ENOUGH FUN AT STALLONE'S EXPENSE: Bullet to the Head

WINNER OF BEST LAUGHABLY BAD ACTION MOVIE: Pacific Rim

WINNER OF WORST LAUGHABLY BAD ACTION MOVIE: After Earth

Pacific Rim gets laughably bad action right: big effects, silly both in concept and execution, Ron Perlman playing an alien organ gray market broker named Hannibal Chau. We are not promised a good movie. We are promised a Godzilla movie. After Earth gets laughably bad action wrong. Its effects are forgettable, it is silly only in executing its serious conceit, and, most eggregiously, neither Ron Perlman, nor any sort of comic relief, organ broker or otherwise, is provided. Jaden Smith cannot be a star just because his father wills it. Just ask Francis Ford Coppola and Aaron Spelling. But putting his son in this monstrosity, at his own expense, seems like a matter to be taken up with child protective services. Either Mr. Smith dislikes his son or this was the most expensive down payment on a film school application in world history.

Adam Sandler/Jack Black Award for Shockingly Unfunny Comedy:

• Identity Thief
• The Heat
• Grown Ups 2

WINNER: Grown Ups 2.

I'm probably being unfair to Melissa McCarthy. She is funny, just overexposed. Identity Thief was noticeably worse than The Heat. Besides, Adam Sandler wanted this award all to himself. Jack Black, you are off the hook.

Best Idea Poorly Executed:

• 2 Guns - Denzel and Marky Mark are buddy renegade heroes with too silly a plot to save.
• Admission - Tina Fey and Paul Rudd are in a romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor a comedy. It's so unfunny I could not nominate it for the Adam Sandler Award because I am not sure it was intended to be a comedy.
• Gangster Squad - Everyone famous and popular as of last January gets together to make a movie about classic Hollywood gangsters that murders the history and appears to have hastily edited out all of the period style and character development scenes
• GI Joe: Retaliation - The Rock arrives to rescue a dismal launch, develops chemistry with Channing Tatum, then watches Tatum get blown away early in the movie. Lower-range Rock antics ensue. Bruce Willis arrives to try to re-rescue a failing script by Dying Hard. The Rock flexes his pecks.
• 42/Mandela/Lee Daniels' The Butler - Multiple attempts made to demonstrate that somehow it is possible to make not one but many bad movies about our Civil Rights Movement heroes. Thank goodness no one tried a Dr. King biopic; this year was jinxed.

WINNER: Lee Daniels' The Butler. The idea is simple - Oprah brings you the African American Forrest Gump, without the mentally-handicapped subplot and Hollywood-disapproved reactionary politics. What went wrong? The Oprah-brings-you part. The presidential vignettes are too long to be clever and too short to be anything more than caricatures. The love story is missing. The movie prefers to air its political message commercials at the expense of its human interest story. Oprah sends the sense of humor into the back room far too early and forgets to call it back out until the credits are about to roll. And through it all, there she is, awkwardly pleading for an Oscar nomination that will not, and should not, come.  

Dubious Achievements Day 3: Bad Casting Awards

Most Questionable Casting Decision:

• David Duchovny, best cast as an unjustifiably popular 90's paranormal detective, as Ed Harris's rival submarine captain in Phantom
• Ethan Hawk, best cast as standing on his desk screaming Oh Captain My Captain, as Selena Gomez's grizzled protector in The Getaway
• Mark Ruffalo, best cast as Julianne Moore's confused lover, as Now You See Me's criminal mastermind magician
• Jeffrey Wright, best cast as an outclassed spy, as Broken City's foil and seducer of Catherine Zeta-Jones.

WINNER: David Duchovny. 

Was there no one who does action available? Surely Jason Statham could have taken a check to be a submarine captain. Or Jared the Subway Guy? At least there are cross-promotion opportunities 

The King of Queens Award for Most Ridiculous Pairing of Goofy Male and Attractive Female:

• Grown Ups 2 - Adam Sandler and Salma Hayek
• Grown Ups 2 - Kevin James and Maria Bello

WINNER: Kevin James and Maria Bello

The King retains his crown. It's worth noting that last year he won for being paired with Salma Hayek. Is she contractually obligated to appear in all of his films? Did Happy Madison purchase the rights to her soul? Free Salma Hayek.

Helen Mirren Award for Least Believable Female Action Hero:

• Gemma Arterton - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
• Lindy Booth - Kick-Ass 2
• Sandra Bullock - Gravity
• Chloe Grace Maretz - Kick-Ass 2
• Helen Mirren - Red 2  

WINNER: Helen Mirren. Between this and King of Queens going to their namesakes, you might think I'm just mailing this year's awards in. It's not me. It's Hollywood mailing in the bad casting.

Nicholas Cage Award for Most Egregious Sell-Out:

• Jeff Bridges - R.I.P.D.
• Jim Carey - Kick-Ass 2
• Johnny Depp - The Lone Ranger
• Vera Farmiga - The Conjuring
• Harrison Ford - Ender's Game
• Philip Seymour Hoffman - Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
• Jennifer Lopez - Parker
• Jeremy Renner - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
• Winona Ryder - Homefront
• Will Smith - After Earth

WINNER: Jim Carey.  

Will Smith was also the producer of After Earth, so he can't win for selling out to himself. Apparently Winona Ryder's been reduced to stealing things, so can we blame her for showing up in a Jason Statham film? She's got more justification than Jennifer Lopez, who stooped to having her face watermarked on Jason Statham's movie poster. I won't speak ill of the dead, so that leaves off PSH. Johnny Depp is a wholly-owned Disney subsidiary. Harrison Ford can be forgiven for thinking Ender's Game would be better than it was and Jeff Bridges can be forgiven for thinking Ryan Reynolds would be better than he is. Vera Farmiga can be forgiven because, despite owning two of the best movies in recent years, she is not a movie star. And I warned Jeremy Renner about this outcome last year when he donned the poor-man's Bourne lead; I take no joy in being right.

Jim Carey, however, had the gall to sell out and then try to worm his way out of it. You see, Mr. Carey took on the equivalent of the...wait for it...Nicholas Cage role from the surprisingly good first Kick Ass. As Kick Ass 2 was about to land in theaters, and after Carey had cashed his paycheck, he disavowed the role. sickened as he was by so much of the old ultra-violence. The producers of the film, I'm sure, are still waiting for Mr. Carey's conscience to return their money. We are left to wonder if, perhaps, he would have been less troubled if Kick Ass 2 had been a good movie. 

Should you wonder why Mr. Cage himself was unable to hold serve as the King and Queen Helen were, it's important to remember that his character died in the first Kick-Ass. Presumably that probably would not give him pause, but apparently it did the screen writers. Instead, Mr. Cage paid for his  money pit of bad decisions by voicing a character in The Croods, headlining some August-dumping ground drama called The Frozen Ground, and taking the role of...Joe Ransom *gulp*...in an indie flick. Why not Joe Everyman? So is this the end of our Ghost Rider? NEVER! Cage has 3(!) roles in the coming year - a reformed criminal fighting off Russian gangsters, a lead in an awful sci-fi flick called "Left Behind" opposite...*double-gulp* Chad Michael Murray. And then the coup d'grace: something with Hayden Christiansen in it about fighting on behalf of a deposed Chinese emperor. And never fear...if someone, most likely Robert DeNiro, manages to outpace him, there are National Treasure 3 rumors. 

Oscars Preview Dubious Achievements Day 2: Your Relatively Obscure Viewing Guide

Prefontaine Award for Annual Bizarre Duplication of Subject Matter
Olympus Has Fallen
White House Down

Here are the mix-and-match taglines:
"When our flag falls, our nation will rise."
"It will start like any other day."

Chances are that one or both of these "bad guys take over the white house" pics will be an option on an international flight you're on in the coming year. I'm here to help. So first - watch something else. And second - watch something else as well. But if you're on an especially long flight, watch White House Down.

As is always the case with Prefontaine winners, both are bad. White House Down is an unapologetic campaign commercial for the current president, complete with paramilitary right-wing bad guys and action hero Obama. Olympus Has Fallen trots out a kitchy, right-wing Yellow Peril plot line made all the more unwatchable by repeating the Red Dawn cop-out of inserting North Koreans for the Chinese. The reason is to retain access to the Chinese export market, apparently at the expense of being relevant, believable, or retaining access to the market for anyone interested in a good movie. Hollywood appears to assume that Americans don't know the difference between China, a strategic competitor that hosted the Olympics, and North Korea, an Orwellian nightmare that hosted Dennis Rodman.

None of this has anything to do with why both movies aren't worth your time, or what makes one better than the other. A big difference is that White House Down got access to the White House, Olympus Has Fallen did not. You can guess why. But also, White House Down has a real actor playing the bad guy, James Woods, instead of someone from central casting. If only they had known, they could have made Dennis Rodman the North Korean bad guy, which would have had the dual effect of both being the greatest promotional stunt in the history of film and at least explaining whatever the hell Dennis Rodman has been up to.

The Indie Movie They Will Try to Get You to Watch That You Must Avoid:
Short Term 12

The feel-bad movie of the year, Short Term 12 is about abused, underprivileged kids in a foster home. If you read enough "Best of" lists, some film school graduate will insist to you that this movie is "heartfelt," or, if they're British, "a gritty look at the real America." These are codewords for, "This movie is unpleasant and will tell you what to think and feel at every moment, but will have a life-affirming ending." If you think that's what art is, then cozy up for two hours of art. I'd recommend 2 hours of sleep instead. And Short Term 12 might just get you there.

The Indie Movie I Will Try to Get You to Watch That You Must Avoid:
Inside Llewyn Davis

I will insist that Inside Llewyn Davis is real art - rich with symbolism and intellectually vexing. Do not listen to me. It breaks my rule that art shouldn't be about art, but I'm invoking the Coen Brothers exception. I'm breaking my own rules here - that's why you shouldn't listen to me. If you want to stand up at the end of the movie and say, "I need a few hours to decide if I liked that, after I figure it all out...especially the cat," this is the movie you want to see. But you don't want to say that. At the end of a movie, you want to say, "That car chase blew my eyeballs out the back of my head" or "That Kate Upton/Ryan Gosling is an attractive member of the human race." My audience mates instead said things like, "So wait...was the first scene a flashback?" or "Well that was weird. What did you think?" These are acceptable responses. As is brooding silence. Or just not watching this movie.

Professional film critics will say things like, "This movie is style over substance." This is code for, "I don't get the substance." Nor need you. Because you don't need to watch this movie. But professional film critics will still put this movie in their top 10. You will not. They will do this because they're here to convince you that they didn't enjoy this movie, but they kind of did, but you won't. They want to lord it over you. Don't give those bastards the satisfaction. Don't watch this movie.

Do yourself a favor, don't listen to me. Don't watch this movie. Pick up the soundtrack at Starbucks. It's good, more enjoyable than the full movie. Which, to give a bit of the puzzle away, is kind of the point of the movie. But if you want to know what the hell the song about President Kennedy is about, you'll probably have to watch this movie.

Most Inexplicable Re-Release:
Russian Ark

The concept behind re-releases is to make more money off of a popular film, especially thanks to a new technology. Like Jurassic Park 3D. Russian Ark was somewhat less popular than Jurassic Park. It was only slightly more popular than Midget Zombie Takeover. It was re-released to advertise a new BlueRay version, which is not a new technology, but at least is better than HD-DVD, which was a viable technology when Russian Ark came out.

Russian Ark is a 96-minute single-shot stroll through a museum of Russian imperial court history. Achieving that 96-minute single-shot is one of those accomplishments like winning the Guiness Book World Record for time spent sitting on a toilet: it makes you wonder who thought this was a record worth setting.

The purpose of Russian Ark is to evoke the creation of an ark of Russian history, preserving its culture for future generations. If you just sat through the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony, you already did this, and got a few ultra-nationalist Russian policemen goosestepping their way through Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" for your trouble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFtCg6bu8gE
Bad news Russia - there's a multi-generational soul gap. We had this in the 60's:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGbpucWLfpE

Oscars Preview 2014: Dubious Achievement Awards Part 1

OSCARS PREVIEW DAY 1:

DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS PART 1:

Why Everyone's Favorite Movie Sucked: Gravity

One of the highest-rated films in the history of crowd-sourced reviews, Gravity would be immune, you'd say, to criticism. You would be wrong. Ask yourself if you even ever want to watch this movie a second time. Should you ever submit yourself to the punishment of this hour-and-a-half panic attack again on your small screen, the 2D plot disappears without the surrounding 3D visuals. 

Gravity is a bad rollercoaster ride that won't let it's victim, the charming Ms. Bullock, off. Shrink it down, where it is less impressive that Alphonso Cuaron apparently can film in space, and you have the orbital equivalent of The Eliminator from American Gladiators, or, for the kids, a zero-G episode of ninja warrior. (SIDE NOTE: As strong as Ms. Bullock and Mr. Clooney are, wouldn't you much rather watch a version featuring Ice and Malibu in the same roles?).

That run-on sentence above is longer than the plot description of the entire film. The rest is a series of highly improbable zero-G leaps of faith that, in the absence of a plot, take the place of plot holes. My overwhelming reaction to the whole endeavor, other than relief that it was over, was to think, "Hey asshole, just leave her alone." The dark humorist in me thought briefly that it would have been appropriate to hand the last 5 minutes over to the author of Game of Thrones and let him suffocate Ms. Bullock at the bottom of the lake she lands in. At least it would have been consistent with the masochism of the first 90 minutes. There is a ghost in this machine, and its name is HAL9000. 

It is suggested that the ham radio realization moment where Ms. Bullock simultaneously overcomes her demons and feels a certain oneness with the world is supposed to have beamed in the message in an otherwise empty film. It is the most meta and such. The BIG MESSAGE then of the film simulates a bad acid trip? That would at least explain why the climax floats back in Obi Wan George-Clooney.

Now, to be fair, it is a great touch when they first float Clooney off into oblivion. But all it really does is emphasize, "Well...now she's really fucked." It's like when the bad rollercoaster breaks down, and then starts going again, and the carney supposed to be running the thing is nowhere to be seen. Yes, the damsel in distress minus the knight-in-space suit armor takes us in a new direction, but all we're really left with is a damsel and distress. Mostly distress. 

Imagine if Keanu Reeves had died halfway through Speed, which is a remarkably similar movie only it has more of a sense of humor and more of a sense of direction - down the freeway. You'd just be left with 30 minutes of the villain, Dennis Hopper, who I'd rather watch than the impersonal laws of physics. Speed is a body in motion while Gravity is a body at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion (until it crashes into Speed 2 without Keanu at the wheel.) A body at rest remains at rest, and thus does Gravity hang motionless in space.

So, if you've ever envied asthmatics and wanted to simulate the experience of being unable to breathe for an hour or two, here it is in cinematic format. I dare you to do it a second time. But chances are, you'd rather watch Speed again on cable. 

THE YEAR IN SILLY MOVIE TITLES

The Bone Collector Award for Best Inadvertent Porn Title in a Wide-Release Feature Film:

NOMINEES:

• Delivery Man
• A Good Day to Die Hard
• Man of Steel
• The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
• You're Next

(DISQUALIFIED DUE TO LIMITED RELEASE: The Package Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Venus & Serena)

WINNER: The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. A porn title packaged with a porn subtitle. it sticks out in a limp field.

Zombie Strippers Award for Great Low Budget Release Title Probably Better Left to the Imagination

NOMINEES:

• The ABC's of Death
• Ax Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan
• Big Ass Spiders!
• Caesar Must Die
• Cockneys vs. Zombies
• Eddie the Sleepwalking Cannibal
• The Machine Which Makes Everything Disappear
• Midget Zombie Takeover
• Running From Crazy
• The Secret Disco Revolution
• War Witch

WINNER: Midget Zombie Takeover. A strong field this year. I was leaning towards Ax Giant, but then I tried to picture the preview for each film and I'm still laughing about what I came up with for Midget Zombie Takeover. It involved Tyrion Lannister, oompa loompas, and the zombie lollypop guild. 

Most Pompous Title

• Free Angela and All Political Prisoners - Why not just 'Free Angela'? Or 'Free All Political Prisoners'? Does Angela need more freeing than the average political prisoner?
• The Happy Sad - This title just makes me sad, not happy.
• InAPPropriate Comedy - Get it? Get it? It's a smartphone app reference. This movie is most likely neither inappropriate nor a comedy.
• The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete - If it wasn't pompous enough, it rhymes
• Mumia: Long Distance Revolutionary - Winner of the "Jefferson Davis: American Patriot" award for betraying extraordinary editorial slant with a sub-title.
• 99%: The Occupy Wallstreet Collaborative Film - I envision a passionate if aimless film that keeps going way too long until most of the collaborative filmers lose interest and it's just a few homeless guys trying to stay warm. But, ah, the drum circles.
• An Oversimplification of Her Beauty - A supererogation of a title.
• The Spectacular Now - This movie is the most emo.
• The We and the I - Generational navelgazing boiled down to five simple words

WINNER: The Spectacular Now.

LEAST INTERESTING TITLE:

• Almost in Love - Let me know when you get there
• As Cool As I Am - I'm not that cool
• The Gardener - In a world...where weeds keep growing...one man must make a choice...between rosemary and fennel
• How to Make Money Selling Drugs - STEP ONE: Acquire drugs. STEP TWO: Sell drugs for more money than spent acquiring them. STEP THREE: Make that money. For details, see appendix: B.I.G., Notorious "Ten Crack Commandments"
• I'm in Love with a Church Girl - I guess it's better than being almost in love with a church girl.
• The Painting - It's still up there, hanging on the wall.
• Unfinished Song - In music as in love, let me know when you get there.

WINNER: The Gardener. It could be worse. He could be constantly gardening.