Most Questionable Casting Decision:
- David Duchovny, best cast as an unjustifiably popular 90's paranormal detective, as Ed Harris's rival submarine captain in Phantom
- Ethan Hawk, best cast as standing on his desk screaming Oh Captain My Captain, as Selena Gomez's grizzled protector in The Getaway
- Mark Ruffalo, best cast as Julianne Moore's confused lover, as Now You See Me's criminal mastermind magician
- Jeffrey Wright, best cast as an outclassed spy, as Broken City's foil and seducer of Catherine Zeta-Jones.
WINNER: David Duchovny.
Was there no one who does action available? Surely Jason Statham could have taken a check to be a submarine captain. Or Jared the Subway Guy? At least there are cross-promotion opportunities
The King of Queens Award for Most Ridiculous Pairing of Goofy Male and Attractive Female:
- Grown Ups 2 - Adam Sandler and Salma Hayek
- Grown Ups 2 - Kevin James and Maria Bello
WINNER: Kevin James and Maria Bello
The King retains his crown. It's worth noting that last year he won for being paired with Salma Hayek. Is she contractually obligated to appear in all of his films? Did Happy Madison purchase the rights to her soul? Free Salma Hayek.
Helen Mirren Award for Least Believable Female Action Hero:
- Gemma Arterton - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
- Lindy Booth - Kick-Ass 2
- Sandra Bullock - Gravity
- Chloe Grace Maretz - Kick-Ass 2
- Helen Mirren - Red 2
WINNER: Helen Mirren. Between this and King of Queens going to their namesakes, you might think I'm just mailing this year's awards in. It's not me. It's Hollywood mailing in the bad casting.
Nicholas Cage Award for Most Egregious Sell-Out:
- Jeff Bridges - R.I.P.D.
- Jim Carey - Kick-Ass 2
- Johnny Depp - The Lone Ranger
- Vera Farmiga - The Conjuring
- Harrison Ford - Ender's Game
- Philip Seymour Hoffman - Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
- Jennifer Lopez - Parker
- Jeremy Renner - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
- Winona Ryder - Homefront
- Will Smith - After Earth
WINNER: Jim Carey.
Will Smith was also the producer of After Earth, so he can't win for selling out to himself. Apparently Winona Ryder's been reduced to stealing things, so can we blame her for showing up in a Jason Statham film? She's got more justification than Jennifer Lopez, who stooped to having her face watermarked on Jason Statham's movie poster. I won't speak ill of the dead, so that leaves off PSH. Johnny Depp is a wholly-owned Disney subsidiary. Harrison Ford can be forgiven for thinking Ender's Game would be better than it was and Jeff Bridges can be forgiven for thinking Ryan Reynolds would be better than he is. Vera Farmiga can be forgiven because, despite owning two of the best movies in recent years, she is not a movie star. And I warned Jeremy Renner about this outcome last year when he donned the poor-man's Bourne lead; I take no joy in being right.
Jim Carey, however, had the gall to sell out and then try to worm his way out of it. You see, Mr. Carey took on the equivalent of the...wait for it...Nicholas Cage role from the surprisingly good first Kick Ass. As Kick Ass 2 was about to land in theaters, and after Carey had cashed his paycheck, he disavowed the role. sickened as he was by so much of the old ultra-violence. The producers of the film, I'm sure, are still waiting for Mr. Carey's conscience to return their money. We are left to wonder if, perhaps, he would have been less troubled if Kick Ass 2 had been a good movie.
Should you wonder why Mr. Cage himself was unable to hold serve as the King and Queen Helen were, it's important to remember that his character died in the first Kick-Ass. Presumably that probably would not give him pause, but apparently it did the screen writers. Instead, Mr. Cage paid for his money pit of bad decisions by voicing a character in The Croods, headlining some August-dumping ground drama called The Frozen Ground, and taking the role of...Joe Ransom *gulp*...in an indie flick. Why not Joe Everyman? So is this the end of our Ghost Rider? NEVER! Cage has 3(!) roles in the coming year - a reformed criminal fighting off Russian gangsters, a lead in an awful sci-fi flick called "Left Behind" opposite...*double-gulp* Chad Michael Murray. And then the coup d'grace: something with Hayden Christiansen in it about fighting on behalf of a deposed Chinese emperor. And never fear...if someone, most likely Robert DeNiro, manages to outpace him, there are National Treasure 3 rumors.
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