OSCARS PREVIEW DAY 1:
DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS PART 1:
Why Everyone's Favorite Movie Sucked: Gravity
One of the highest-rated films in the history of crowd-sourced reviews, Gravity would be immune, you'd say, to criticism. You would be wrong. Ask yourself if you even ever want to watch this movie a second time. Should you ever submit yourself to the punishment of this hour-and-a-half panic attack again on your small screen, the 2D plot disappears without the surrounding 3D visuals.
Gravity is a bad rollercoaster ride that won't let it's victim, the charming Ms. Bullock, off. Shrink it down, where it is less impressive that Alphonso Cuaron apparently can film in space, and you have the orbital equivalent of The Eliminator from American Gladiators, or, for the kids, a zero-G episode of ninja warrior. (SIDE NOTE: As strong as Ms. Bullock and Mr. Clooney are, wouldn't you much rather watch a version featuring Ice and Malibu in the same roles?).
That run-on sentence above is longer than the plot description of the entire film. The rest is a series of highly improbable zero-G leaps of faith that, in the absence of a plot, take the place of plot holes. My overwhelming reaction to the whole endeavor, other than relief that it was over, was to think, "Hey asshole, just leave her alone." The dark humorist in me thought briefly that it would have been appropriate to hand the last 5 minutes over to the author of Game of Thrones and let him suffocate Ms. Bullock at the bottom of the lake she lands in. At least it would have been consistent with the masochism of the first 90 minutes. There is a ghost in this machine, and its name is HAL9000.
It is suggested that the ham radio realization moment where Ms. Bullock simultaneously overcomes her demons and feels a certain oneness with the world is supposed to have beamed in the message in an otherwise empty film. It is the most meta and such. The BIG MESSAGE then of the film simulates a bad acid trip? That would at least explain why the climax floats back in Obi Wan George-Clooney.
Now, to be fair, it is a great touch when they first float Clooney off into oblivion. But all it really does is emphasize, "Well...now she's really fucked." It's like when the bad rollercoaster breaks down, and then starts going again, and the carney supposed to be running the thing is nowhere to be seen. Yes, the damsel in distress minus the knight-in-space suit armor takes us in a new direction, but all we're really left with is a damsel and distress. Mostly distress.
Imagine if Keanu Reeves had died halfway through Speed, which is a remarkably similar movie only it has more of a sense of humor and more of a sense of direction - down the freeway. You'd just be left with 30 minutes of the villain, Dennis Hopper, who I'd rather watch than the impersonal laws of physics. Speed is a body in motion while Gravity is a body at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion (until it crashes into Speed 2 without Keanu at the wheel.) A body at rest remains at rest, and thus does Gravity hang motionless in space.
So, if you've ever envied asthmatics and wanted to simulate the experience of being unable to breathe for an hour or two, here it is in cinematic format. I dare you to do it a second time. But chances are, you'd rather watch Speed again on cable.
THE YEAR IN SILLY MOVIE TITLES
The Bone Collector Award for Best Inadvertent Porn Title in a Wide-Release Feature Film:
NOMINEES:
- Delivery Man
- A Good Day to Die Hard
- Man of Steel
- The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
- You're Next
(DISQUALIFIED DUE TO LIMITED RELEASE: The Package Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Venus & Serena)
WINNER: The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones. A porn title packaged with a porn subtitle. it sticks out in a limp field.
Zombie Strippers Award for Great Low Budget Release Title Probably Better Left to the Imagination
NOMINEES:
- The ABC's of Death
- Ax Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan
- Big Ass Spiders!
- Caesar Must Die
- Cockneys vs. Zombies
- Eddie the Sleepwalking Cannibal
- The Machine Which Makes Everything Disappear
- Midget Zombie Takeover
- Running From Crazy
- The Secret Disco Revolution
- War Witch
WINNER: Midget Zombie Takeover. A strong field this year. I was leaning towards Ax Giant, but then I tried to picture the preview for each film and I'm still laughing about what I came up with for Midget Zombie Takeover. It involved Tyrion Lannister, oompa loompas, and the zombie lollypop guild.
Most Pompous Title
- Free Angela and All Political Prisoners - Why not just 'Free Angela'? Or 'Free All Political Prisoners'? Does Angela need more freeing than the average political prisoner?
- The Happy Sad - This title just makes me sad, not happy.
- InAPPropriate Comedy - Get it? Get it? It's a smartphone app reference. This movie is most likely neither inappropriate nor a comedy.
- The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete - If it wasn't pompous enough, it rhymes
- Mumia: Long Distance Revolutionary - Winner of the "Jefferson Davis: American Patriot" award for betraying extraordinary editorial slant with a sub-title.
- 99%: The Occupy Wallstreet Collaborative Film - I envision a passionate if aimless film that keeps going way too long until most of the collaborative filmers lose interest and it's just a few homeless guys trying to stay warm. But, ah, the drum circles.
- An Oversimplification of Her Beauty - A supererogation of a title.
- The Spectacular Now - This movie is the most emo.
- The We and the I - Generational navelgazing boiled down to five simple words
WINNER: The Spectacular Now.
LEAST INTERESTING TITLE:
- Almost in Love - Let me know when you get there
- As Cool As I Am - I'm not that cool
- The Gardener - In a world...where weeds keep growing...one man must make a choice...between rosemary and fennel
- How to Make Money Selling Drugs - STEP ONE: Acquire drugs. STEP TWO: Sell drugs for more money than spent acquiring them. STEP THREE: Make that money. For details, see appendix: B.I.G., Notorious "Ten Crack Commandments"
- I'm in Love with a Church Girl - I guess it's better than being almost in love with a church girl.
- The Painting - It's still up there, hanging on the wall.
- Unfinished Song - In music as in love, let me know when you get there.
WINNER: The Gardener. It could be worse. He could be constantly gardening.
No comments:
Post a Comment