Harry Potter V: Return of the Clones Report
Having not read the books, I have to say that I just don't have any emotional attachment to this series. Every movie is the same...fairly interesting, nice artistic flourishes, watchable, occasionally funny, but critically flawed (more later).
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Well, it's clear that there's WAAAYYY more in the book that just gets sprinkled in to the movie purely for fan interests. But it's for kids and it can't be too long. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: See above. They do their best, but they have to race for the sake of the kids' bladders. 8.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Since this is truly a series, and based on a book, the school year format is largely eschewed in favor of what has clearly become a series building to a finale. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Sequels: There's already a book. I can't give it a hard time. 6.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - This is probably more of a book review, but I don't much care for making the book/film socially relevant. But maybe it helps frame the world the kids are coming into. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I don't think this is at all the case. I think the writer very much likes the characters and enjoys writing these books. 1.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - My ambivalence couldn't be deeper here. The professional adults are all perfectly cast. Honestly, brilliant performances abound in this and the other films. But the kids...so uneven. Most of the second-tier kids are pretty good, although Harry Potter's girlfriend ought to be a lot hotter to be commanding all that attention. The basic problem is that Harry Potter and Hermione are just not that good. They're not terrible, but they're just not commanding attention, respect, or sympathy. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I think everyone likes the film series well enough. Harry Potter decided to get naked with a horse before jumping back into the breech. Apparently that commands respect in England? It worked for Elizabeth Berkeley. 1.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - They're already selling Hermione Granger diamond wands...on my freaking credit card insert. I can only imagine how many Luna Lovegood neck charms are being snapped up. At least the owl purchasing is probably at an end. Still, I don't think it's shameless. I think it's a response to real demand, not wholly ewok-esque. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease - I don't bring huge expectations to the series and the movie was exactly what I thought it should be. I just can't rate this film the way a fan would. 3.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. A solidly average sequel to a non-fan such as myself. I'm left with a dilemma - how to break the tie between Harry Potter and Fantastic Four? I think that the film with the longer title should be the bigger disappointment. Unfortunately, both have verbose titles of nearly equal length, depending largely on how one adds articles and spells out numbers. I'm going to give the nod to FF4:RotSS over HPatOotP, mostly because Potter is just a better movie.
The standings:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty - 52
5. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Ocean's 13 - 28
8. Die Hard 4 - 19
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Fantastic 42: Return of the Clones Report
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Evan Almighty: Return of the Clones Report
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
Thursday, June 28, 2007
So I've been re-miss. I didn't see Fantastic 42 yet because I have minimal interest and I haven't seen Evan A)lmighty yet because of the crushing reviews. And I've been busy.
But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.
Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19
I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.
But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.
Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19
I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off:Ocean's 13
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Next Price Is Right Host: Bill Clinton
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Amongst Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson, I'm taking odds:
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
Monday, May 28, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
From listening to people who've been relentlessly self-promoting their political views for years, I've discovered that events in Virginia Tech are really about too many guns, or not enough guns, or Iraq, or an uncaring society, or an incompetent Va Tech administration, or really whatever happens to be on someone's mind.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
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