So I've been re-miss. I didn't see Fantastic 42 yet because I have minimal interest and I haven't seen Evan A)lmighty yet because of the crushing reviews. And I've been busy.

But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.

1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.

Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:

Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19

I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.