The
Year in Silly Movie Titles
ZOMBIE
STRIPPERS AWARD FOR FILM TITLE PROBABLY BETTER IN YOUR IMAGINATION THAN IN
PRACTICE:
1. Abraham
Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
2. Flying
Swords of Dragon Gate
3. Space
Dogs 3D
4. Fat Kid
Rules the World
5. Fullmetal
Alchemist
It’s worth
pausing here to note what a wasted opportunity Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was
in stumbling down the Cowboys
vs. Aliens path to mediocrity. First you throw out a movie title crafted specifically
to lodge itself in every man’s pre-teen id by combining two dissilimar cool
things (Ninja Pirates). Then, to assure everyone that this isn’t straight-to-video camp, you
come up with an over-serious plot, joylessly trudging a faceless hero
from station to station of the hero-with-a-thousand-faces. If Hollywood is
unwilling to sink 100 million into something over-the-top and creative, (Crank: Insanely High Voltage!) at least give something called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”
to Michael Bay, who has the balls to treat this kind of material with the
sensitivity and subtlety it deserves.
SPECIAL
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR FORGETTING TO REPLACE THE WORKING TITLE:
Man on a
Ledge
LEAST
INTERESTING-SOUNDING FILM OF THE YEAR:
1. The Perks
of Being a Wallflower
2. Planet of
Snail
3. Watching
TV with the Red Chinese
MOST
POMPOUS TITLE:
Art Is…The
Permanent Revolution
Best Inadvertent
Porn Titles
1. Here
Comes the Boom
2. Rock of
Ages
3.
Frankenweenie
4. The Dark
Knight Rises
5. Big
Miracle
6. Hit and
Run
7. Magic
Mike*
7. Premium
Rush
8. Trouble
with the Curve
9. One For
the Money
10. The
Master
*Disqualified
because, my female friends inform me, this is pornography. Apparently if you
make soft core pornography for women, you can put it in real movie theaters? Is
that in the FCC rule book? As the Supreme Court justice famously commented, “I
can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it.” I doubt he or any other
straight male saw this film, and thus it got wide release.
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