KIM JONG IL KIDNAPPED ME AND MADE ME DO THIS MOVIE:
Reece Witherspoon – Water for Elephants
Tom Hanks - Larry Crowne
Julia Roberts – Larry Crowne

WINNER: Larry Crowne. Every year there’s a movie that makes you wonder, “Why would those people do this film? Some lunatic dictator had to have kidnapped them and forced them to do it against their will.” I honestly can’t decide whether Julia Roberts or Tom Hanks was more misguided in tackling this turkey. I lean towards Roberts because her character’s name is actually Mercedes Tainot. I guess it sounds better than it looks. Other characters names include “Dell Gordo,” which may be an item on Taco Bell’s menu. I think Kim Jong’s original text named Larry Crowne “Joe the Plumber.” Never has a preview so clearly advertised that a movie was going to suck. In this, it succeeded in its task, not as much a preview as a forewarning. Thankfully it tanked so fast and had a title so non-descript that it may be forgotten this was supposed to be a summer BLOCKBUSTER.

The script has been quarantined by FEMA to prevent further outbreaks. Go read the plot synopsis on IMDB; I defy you to find anyone on earth who would buy that concept. In practice, it seems like one of those high school creative writing assignments where two bad writers with different styles alternate writing off in their own direction. Half the movie is a comedy that’s not funny. The rest is a love story with no heart. At some point a script doctor must have been brought in to tie the two together, but one can only assume it was Dr. Nick Riviera. Perhaps his most noteworthy handiwork: a bizarre break up scene in which Julia Roberts’ husband repeatedly declares his innocence based on his love of big tits. I don’t know, maybe they cut that part from Sleepless in Seattle?

Special points for bizarreness goes to Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s character, an ethnically ambiguous attractive female who randomly befriends Hanks' character, because hottie co-eds tend to just be dying to hang out with the creepy old man in class. Throughout the film, she continues to show up in several scenes and have a major speaking part without managing to serve any narrative function. She isn’t funny, she doesn’t advance the plot, she does not serve some symbolic purpose. She could be removed entirely from the film, and should, preferably in favor of more of the only amusing element: George Takei’s economics professor. It landed him on Celebrity Apprentice, so at least someone got a bounce from this splat.

THE JACK BLACK AWARD FOR ALARMINGLY UNFUNNY COMEDY:
The Dilemma
Just Go With It
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Jack & Jill

This was a wretched year for Adam Sandler. I’m going to say “Jack&Jill” because I couldn’t bring myself to spend two hours on a Saturday Night Live sketch that would have been overlong at 8 minutes. I would like to put Adam Sandler on a David Chappelle timeout and have Chappelle come churn out 2 comedies a year. I think we’d all be better off.

MOVIE I MAY HAVE APPEARED IN:
Tower Heist – Wandering the edge of Central Park on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I kept wondering, “Why is there a low-rent version of the Macy’s Day parade 2 days later?” Tower Heist was the answer. Look for a pasty white guy who doesn’t look paid to be excited.