BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES:
1. Sarah Palin – You Betcha!
2. Justin Beiber: Never Say Never
3. I Don’t Know How She Does It
4. A Good Way to Die
5. Jumping the Broom
6. In the Land of Blood and Honey
7. Back Door Channels
8. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
9. HappyThankYouMorePlease
10. I Am Number Four
11. If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle
12. Now & Later
13. Louder than a Bomb
14. Rejoice and Shout
15. Fading of the Cries
16. Kaboom
17. Deep Gold
18. Magic Trip
19. 30 Minutes or Less
20. Balls to the Wall

THE BET:
Thor vs. Captain America (Green Lantern)

I would like to revel in narrowly defeating my friend in a bet over which movie would make more money – Thor or Captain America. I let him chose Captain America, but I always would have gone with Thor. I figured, by the time Marvel started making Captain America, they would be in full “Just get us to The Avengers” mode. Sure enough, the film is 20 minutes too short and wastes Hugo Weaving’s time as what could have been a cool bad guy.


BEST EVIDENCE THAT WE SHOULDN’T COMPLAIN THAT DEMOCRATS RUN THE FILM INDUSTRY:
Atlas Shrugged Part 1

This movie got a lot of play in conservative media because Libertarians don’t necessarily realize that Ayn Rand is a shabby little fascist with a rape fetish. It’s fine. First things first, The Fountainhead is the better book. It’s got her trademark big character archetypes, a compelling vision, and it doesn’t matter who you are, you come out of reading it ready to light the world on fire. It’s less pedantic, too, which helps. Atlas Shrugged is a shitty book. The philosophy ignores basic economics, and no one has ever argued that Rand was a great prose stylist.

Regardless, worse books have become good movies. The point is, I wanted to like this movie because it would be nice to have something to balance out the steady drumbeat of tedious leftist social issues movies like Cider House Rules and John Q.

Unfortunately, this film is unlikable, and it’s galling that there will be more of it. As I said, what Rand has going for her is the soaring ego of her characters. This film should be an actors’ paradise. Instead, the filmmakers have located the most-wooden, straight-to-youtube acting troop since The Room. (I reference that only to drop this great The Room scene on you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ4KzClb1C4). With a script that reads straight from the talk radio back-up guest host playbook, we’re left to lament what might have been.

The funny thing is, Hollywood did slip in a ridiculously conservative social issues movie without realizing it: Bad Teacher. Tune out the unfortunately occasional funniness and trace the plot: this film is Waiting for Superman in the guise of a comedy. If Bad Teacher had actually succeeded in being funny and entertaining, someone else might have noticed this too. I feel like I’m that guy who played The White Album backwards and found out that Paul was dead…except for it was a The Move Greatest Hits album, and the message was “This is your brain on drugs.”