2012 Oscars Preview and Year in Movie Review

Two weeks to go, check back (semi-)daily for updates as I countdown to my preview.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS AWARD FOR FILM TITLE PROBABLY BETTER IN YOUR IMAGINATION THAN IN PRACTICE:
1. Bonny & Clyde Vs. Dracula – I love this concept: what could possibly bring these three into conflict?
2. Hobo with a Shotgun
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (ZING!)
4. Suing the Devil
5. The Black Power Mix Tape
6. White Irish Drinkers
7. Evil-Bong 3D
8. The Imperialists Are Still Alive!
9. There Be Dragons
10. Redneck Carnage
11. Machine Gun Preacher
12. The Worst Movie EVER!


WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF BLAXPLOITATION? TYLER PERRY’S BLOREDOM
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son


MOST BIZARRE PHENOMENON OF THE YEAR: The Paul Bettany Action Star Experiment
The Eagle
The Priest
The economics of the film industry are such that there is greater demand for action and sci-fi than there are legitimate action stars. This is how Ryan Reynolds becomes the Green Lantern. However, sometime Ryan Reynolds is unavailable, Keanu Reeves is contemplating retirement, or your script doesn’t have the kind of gravitas that, say, a Rock or Jason Statham have come to expect. In that case, you could go fishing in the casting department and see if you can find a no-name who can take some punches and look tough.

Or you can pretend that everyone knows who Paul Bettany is and that he can be an action star. Apparently the film industry chooses the latter. Paul Bettany, as of course no one ought to know, is the British character actor best known as John Nash’s imaginary friend in A Beautiful Mind, and as something akin to Charles Darwin in Master & Commander. He also played a tennis pro opposite Kirsten Dunst; it’s hard to say who seems less athletic. In other words, he’s a skinny English guy who plays nerds. Inexplicably, he was asked to play an action hero not once, but twice, in one year, including taking a role as a sword & sandal Roman soldier. Now, I’m sure that Paul Bettany can hire a nutritionist, hit the ‘roids, get a gym membership and pretend to look the part. But no one is buying. This is embarrassing. When you come to the point that no one wants to play your action hero but Paul Bettany, that’s when you admit you have script problems. If you still believe, give one of the thousands of wanna-be’s a chance.

The real question is: when is Congress going to demand PED testing for actors? Paul Bettany playing an action hero twice, even mildly convincingly, is no less galling than Brady Anderson hitting 50 homeruns.

MOST INTERESTING SUB-PLOT:
Is it possible that the Harry Potter / Twilight teen actor most likely to sustain a career through the rest of this decade is Draco Malfoy? While all of the other leads are chasing lead roles in flops, Draco had the good sense to take a bit part in a good movie (Rise of the Planet of the Apes). Perhaps he's smart enough to know he should play the same role for 10 years while everyone else flames out or takes their money and retires.


WHY YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE SUCKS: THE MOVIE EVERYONE ELSE LIKED THAT I DIDN’T
Drive

I was told that the tagline for this movie was, “Every guy will be hard, every girl will be wet.” It tried too hard; sometimes you just have to relax and let it happen. This was the year that everyone came around on Ryan Gosling. Not unfairly; Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, and Ides of March is a respectable career, not just a year. But, like A.C. Slater, Drive just wants to be cool so much that it’s not that cool. It drags in the middle; I started to sympathize with the woman who sued because there wasn’t enough driving in the movie. It doesn’t have nearly enough of Christina Hendricks. They keep setting up some epic race car, “have to win to make money and live” drag race that never happens. But the cardinal sin? The bad guys are lame. Ron Pearl and Albert Brooks? It’s like this movie rolled Gosling up to the line, and the guys gunning their engines to race him are in a Chevy Volt and a Prius.