Bourne III: Return of the Clones Report
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length - a solid 2 hour movie but it rarely drags. 3.
2) World' End Factor For Excess Exposition - Well, there are hints to excess exposition, but they merely rely on knowledge of current events and an implicit political outlook. Those who disapprove can easily ignore a line here and there and enjoy the action. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: A little too much trying to catch up with the headlines to be 'relevant' but the film successfully attacks its foes (white men), giving them stern media justice. 5.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Films: Nobody of consequence dies, the movie outright cheats to pretend they're actually going to wrap things up for about 6 seconds. I almost got mad sitting there for those 6 seconds thinking, "They want me to think he's dead. Come on, no way they have the balls to kill him. Money matters too..." but apparently I'm too verbose and it was clear he was alive before I could finish my rant. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Not so much. Some legit action sequences and plenty of globe trotting. Not wildly original, and clearly straining to give Julia Stiles something to do, but the other female character was interesting and "we'd be having this conversation face-to-face" was a legit all-time level line. 3.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - ripping from the headlines is a clear sign of either unoriginality or boredom. I decided to spread the writing points out. Deal. Anyways, "Look at what they make you give?" I hate when a well-placed speech moves people who don't care what gets said. Hollywood once again trades potential depth for a chintzy moral. 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for Bad Original Casting - Damon and the nameless senior CIA female are good casting. The Julia Stiles problem is elegantly avoided by giving her as few lines as possible. Well-played sirs. 2.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I don't think Matt Damon is deep enough to get bored with a role and I don't think anyone else who is a recurring figure in these films has enough going for them to worry about their only meal ticket. 0.
9) Ewok Syndrome for Shameless Marketing - I don't think there are any Bourne action figures or bourne video games. But this movie was laden with conspicuous product placement. For an adult movie, it was pretty blunt. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - The Bourne films are all good but they don't get pretentious. They're always better than you think they'll be and you remember them being. Low expectations plus strong films equals a clean bill of sale here. Except for the 'relevant' turn. 2.
Return of the Clones factor:
35 - Displaying elements of sequel fatigue, but not burdened by anything more than its own triteness. If anything, in the hands of a great writer, this series could be everything that DeNiro albatross wasn't.
Incidentally, watch the American Gangster preview. Finally the movie Denzell was meant to be in. Haven't had expectations for a movie like this ever. Honestly. I'm expecting the Godfather.
Return of the Clones Standings w/ 1 movie left to go:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty -52
5. Fantastic 42 - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Bourne 3 - 35
8. Ocean's 13 - 28
9. Die Hard 4 - 19
The world waits with breathless anticipation: where will Rush Hour 3 end up?
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Harry Potter V: Return of the Clones Report
Having not read the books, I have to say that I just don't have any emotional attachment to this series. Every movie is the same...fairly interesting, nice artistic flourishes, watchable, occasionally funny, but critically flawed (more later).
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Well, it's clear that there's WAAAYYY more in the book that just gets sprinkled in to the movie purely for fan interests. But it's for kids and it can't be too long. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: See above. They do their best, but they have to race for the sake of the kids' bladders. 8.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Since this is truly a series, and based on a book, the school year format is largely eschewed in favor of what has clearly become a series building to a finale. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Sequels: There's already a book. I can't give it a hard time. 6.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - This is probably more of a book review, but I don't much care for making the book/film socially relevant. But maybe it helps frame the world the kids are coming into. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I don't think this is at all the case. I think the writer very much likes the characters and enjoys writing these books. 1.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - My ambivalence couldn't be deeper here. The professional adults are all perfectly cast. Honestly, brilliant performances abound in this and the other films. But the kids...so uneven. Most of the second-tier kids are pretty good, although Harry Potter's girlfriend ought to be a lot hotter to be commanding all that attention. The basic problem is that Harry Potter and Hermione are just not that good. They're not terrible, but they're just not commanding attention, respect, or sympathy. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I think everyone likes the film series well enough. Harry Potter decided to get naked with a horse before jumping back into the breech. Apparently that commands respect in England? It worked for Elizabeth Berkeley. 1.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - They're already selling Hermione Granger diamond wands...on my freaking credit card insert. I can only imagine how many Luna Lovegood neck charms are being snapped up. At least the owl purchasing is probably at an end. Still, I don't think it's shameless. I think it's a response to real demand, not wholly ewok-esque. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease - I don't bring huge expectations to the series and the movie was exactly what I thought it should be. I just can't rate this film the way a fan would. 3.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. A solidly average sequel to a non-fan such as myself. I'm left with a dilemma - how to break the tie between Harry Potter and Fantastic Four? I think that the film with the longer title should be the bigger disappointment. Unfortunately, both have verbose titles of nearly equal length, depending largely on how one adds articles and spells out numbers. I'm going to give the nod to FF4:RotSS over HPatOotP, mostly because Potter is just a better movie.
The standings:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty - 52
5. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Ocean's 13 - 28
8. Die Hard 4 - 19
Having not read the books, I have to say that I just don't have any emotional attachment to this series. Every movie is the same...fairly interesting, nice artistic flourishes, watchable, occasionally funny, but critically flawed (more later).
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Well, it's clear that there's WAAAYYY more in the book that just gets sprinkled in to the movie purely for fan interests. But it's for kids and it can't be too long. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: See above. They do their best, but they have to race for the sake of the kids' bladders. 8.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Since this is truly a series, and based on a book, the school year format is largely eschewed in favor of what has clearly become a series building to a finale. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Clear Openings for Future Sequels: There's already a book. I can't give it a hard time. 6.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - This is probably more of a book review, but I don't much care for making the book/film socially relevant. But maybe it helps frame the world the kids are coming into. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I don't think this is at all the case. I think the writer very much likes the characters and enjoys writing these books. 1.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - My ambivalence couldn't be deeper here. The professional adults are all perfectly cast. Honestly, brilliant performances abound in this and the other films. But the kids...so uneven. Most of the second-tier kids are pretty good, although Harry Potter's girlfriend ought to be a lot hotter to be commanding all that attention. The basic problem is that Harry Potter and Hermione are just not that good. They're not terrible, but they're just not commanding attention, respect, or sympathy. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome (Bored Original Casting) - I think everyone likes the film series well enough. Harry Potter decided to get naked with a horse before jumping back into the breech. Apparently that commands respect in England? It worked for Elizabeth Berkeley. 1.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - They're already selling Hermione Granger diamond wands...on my freaking credit card insert. I can only imagine how many Luna Lovegood neck charms are being snapped up. At least the owl purchasing is probably at an end. Still, I don't think it's shameless. I think it's a response to real demand, not wholly ewok-esque. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease - I don't bring huge expectations to the series and the movie was exactly what I thought it should be. I just can't rate this film the way a fan would. 3.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. A solidly average sequel to a non-fan such as myself. I'm left with a dilemma - how to break the tie between Harry Potter and Fantastic Four? I think that the film with the longer title should be the bigger disappointment. Unfortunately, both have verbose titles of nearly equal length, depending largely on how one adds articles and spells out numbers. I'm going to give the nod to FF4:RotSS over HPatOotP, mostly because Potter is just a better movie.
The standings:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty - 52
5. The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - 42.5
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 42
7. Ocean's 13 - 28
8. Die Hard 4 - 19
Fantastic 42: Return of the Clones Report
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
This is a doubleheader, as I caught this and Harry Potter V for Vendetta. Let's start with the extremely non-anticipated Fantastic 4: 2 - Rise of the Silver Surfer.
What's most notable about this film is the fantasy world that's created, pitching bluntly to comic fans: apparently the Fantastic Four live in a world where chicks dig smart guys. In fact, how do you impress a girl at a party? Explain the big bang! Try that one out this coming Friday guys, watch the hotties blush and say, "Wow, you're really smart." Except the blushing is from sarcasm. Other than that, it's just like the movie.
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: At a lean 90 minutes, finally a comic book movie series that realizes it's just a comic book. Well done. 0.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, well-done. Sure there's some ridiculous addition of somehow figuring out that there are a) alien planets and b) they've been eaten by a giant space monster. But all the exposition is safely jogged through for the sake of the 90 minutes. Well done. 3.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: a giant space monster wraps it's mouth halfway around the planet, yet strangely earth's orbit is unaffected by the massive gravitational displacement that a larger-than earth body would create. Everyone gets hooked up w/ a lady, everyone gets their just desserts. Comic book fare: 9.
4) X-Men X Factor - Well, the bad guy survives and the Silver Surfer is clearly OK. All that's missing is a preview for the next movie. 9.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - I'll charitably suggest that the giant plot holes (the Fantastic 4 can randomly acquire and swap each other's powers based largely on plot requirements) and silly nerd world were explained in the missing 30 minutes of this movie. 5.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - Not at all. A very deliberate and professional attempt to make a movie series in true comic book format, minus all the weightiness that makes Spiderman 2 a success and Spiderman 3 a failure. Still, I wouldn't say the movie was imaginative. 3.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Mr. Fantastic is supposed to impress with his dance moves as part of his 'nerd-becomes-cool' schtick. Unfortunately, the non-descript actor headlining this film can't dance to save his life, and just waits for the CGI to take over. His acting is not much better. Jessica Alba is fine and everyone is wise enough to realize that if you employ Jessica Alba to play a character who can turn invisible, she shouldn't do it too often, and the comic relief half of the 4 are both good. Even the perpetual bad guy is pretty good. But Mr. Fantastic is as bland and featureless as possible, perhaps as another pitch to the nerdy comic fan, letting him imagine himself as the nerd with cool friends and a hot fiance. 4.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - It's hard to say any of them are bored...I'm not sure anyone but Alba has an ongoing career outside this film. Besides, given the shortness of the film, I can't imagine the movie being any more work than a glorified animated pic. Nevertheless, I can't see Michael Chiclis drooling over stomping around in the Syracuse Orangemen's mascot outfit and saying, "Oops. My bad."3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - A nice gimmick to feature the product placement ans product placement on the uni. The problem here is that most of the guys have super powers that don't translate well into toy format. It would be amusing to imagine a kid stuffing Mr. Fantastic into a silly puddy tray, burning themself w/ the human torch, and losing Susan Storm. Still, this was a rampant Silver Surfer feature. 4.
10) George Lucas Disease - I can't say anyone could expect much from this movie. I certainly didn't and I got exactly what I expected. 2.
Return of the Clones Factor: 42. This is the sort of movie series that is a shameless money maker from the start. In that it succeeds. Hopefully the people making money off of films like this are using it for something worthwhile, like a Wes Anderson pic or wage increases for set crews.
The standings, pre-Potter:
1. Pirates of the Caribean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Generic Pasty-Guy Almighty 2 - 52
5. Fantastic Four 2 - 42
6. Ocean's 13 - 28
7. Die Hard 4 - 19
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Evan Almighty: Return of the Clones Report
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
You might have heard this is a bad movie. It is. Who is the producer who is deciding, "Hey, let's take Jim Carey movies, make a sequel, but not have Jim Carey." At least this time they tried harder to find someone funny to replace Carey's character. Unfortunately, Steve Carell's long televised emotional breakdown seems to be reaching it's peak and he refuses to tell us any jokes in this film.
The formula here seems to have been even more eggregiously flawed in the sense that they replaced Jennifer Aniston with Generic Actress Blank and Molly Shannon. I knew the rumors were true when Molly Shannon popped her head in. She's a poison pill. I don't know how Talladega Nights survived.
Without further ado:
1) Return of the Kings Factor for extreme length: Ok, so it's not overlong. 4.
2) World's End Factor for Excess Exposition: Again, not a problem. This is a comedy, there doesn't need to be a plot. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Well, the flood carries the ark to the capital at the very moment the evil congressman is about to pound the gavel on his corrupt deal. Tied up in a bow. 10.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting up the Next Sequel: Unless John Goodman is being tapped for Congressman Almighty, I think that this financial dud is safely the last of this forgettable series. That or Wanda Almighty or That Other Daily Show Guy Almighty. 3.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - Honestly, you've got all the animals at the zoo and most of the jokes are about being unable to shave, get a haircut, or wear normal clothes? Don't you trivialize the Bible by making 'Biblical' equal to gray hair, a beard, and robes? I want 2 hours of animal jokes. You've even got Morgan Freeman there to narrate it. 7.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I can't say they were bored. I'm just curious as to whether they were Christian or not. I mean, there was a lot of potential to work with here and it's totally untapped, humor-wise and bible-wise. 5.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Well, even taking Carey and Aniston out, they lucked out to have a previously hot ticket like Carell around. But I have to take points off for dropping the stars. 5.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored actors - Pretty sure Carell mailed this one in. Either that or he's not really funny. Word to Wanda Sykes, the guy who played Letterman in the Lateshift, and the Daily Show Guy for working hard w/ nowhere to go. 5.
9) Ewok syndrome - I guess they can't sell bibles given how churches give them away and all, but the animals were a desparate plea for kids. 6.
10) George Lucas Disease for Letdown Factor - My expectation were aroused but not high, and after the review, they were very low. And still unmet. Am I wrong that Steve Carell and animals should have been funnier? 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 52 - saved only by low expectations and non-sequelyness.
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Bruce Almighty 2 - 52
5. Ocean's 13 - 28
6. Die Hard 4 - 19
Thursday, June 28, 2007
So I've been re-miss. I didn't see Fantastic 42 yet because I have minimal interest and I haven't seen Evan A)lmighty yet because of the crushing reviews. And I've been busy.
But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.
Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19
I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.
But my roommates are in love with Die Hard, and I've been nursing a suspicion that the stars might align for Die Hard to earn the coveted least-disappointing sequel award. So I went on opening night. I can sum up this movie for you based on my roommate's description, "There was no part of that that didn't rock." To me, Die Hard movies were always entertaining, then you forget about them. But then you think about them later and you think, 'wait a minute, that sort of rocked.' And rock Live Free or Die Hard did.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: I didn't notice the movie dragging too much. It's a solid 2 hours, but it never drags. 3.
2) Worlds' End Factor for Excess Exposition: Sure, there's some random characters who pop in, but they're charmingly empty on backstory. Exposition is at the right pitch, we only really need 1 scene for McClane's daughter, only 1 scene of the non FBI dudes, etc. Die Hard's good about that - the bad guys always have some backstory, but really, Bruce Willis doesn't care. So the bad guys have their exposition scenes, and then Bruce Willis takes his licks and keeps on ticking. In fact, I think Die Hard 5 will probably be Die Hard: Still Ticking, with the S in Still turned around to make a 5. 2.
3) Nice Neat Package Rating: Again, Die Hard only relies on one recurring character, so it never matters what gets left open or tied up. The bad guys are going down, the family members will sruvive, and other people mill about and collect pay checks. 3.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel - Honestly, there's nothing to set up. McClane will magically drift into obscurity after blowing up Baltimore and saving the day for a 4th time. His wounds will heal, his family will be in a bit of a tiff, but still essentially family once the bad guys show up. Nothing needs setting up. 2.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - No symptoms. A) Baltimore gets blown up, B) The Mac Guy is a PC hacker, C) Random freerunning and kung fu bad guys/gals w/ no back story(!) C) A helicopter taken out by a fire hydrant and a car(!!) D) Baltimore gets blown up (To quote a Baltimore city cop who used to be an MP in Sadr City, "I'd rather be in Sadr City.") E) Harrier-esque jet blows up mixing bowl, commuters rejoice because IT'S NEVER GOING TO GET FINISHED ANYWAY. No need to continue, 1.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - I have to give a little bit of this just because A) There was never that Die Hard bad guy twist and B) We've seen a lot of the cool stuff above before in other movies (Casino Royale and True Lies come to mind). 4.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting - Not a problem. With one returning character perfectly cast, there are no problems. 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored original casting - Willis isn't really that bored since he already spent a long time between sequels. Anyhow, to both signal his boredness and still give tghe audience a smile, he just starts laughing after killing just about everyone. It's a good response. 3.
9) Ewok syndrome for shameless marketing - Not much market, unless someone's coming out w/ a destructible Baltimore set akin to my old Castle Grayskull, in which case thousdands of Baltimore expatriates (also known as 'escapees') will be lining up. 1.
10) George Lucase Disease - Die Hard sneaks up on you - your expectations aren't that high, so it can't disappoint that much. Then it rocks for 2 hours of action, and you feel you got your money's worth. 1.
Return of the Clones Factor: 19. Live Free or Die Hard makes a strong case for least disappointing sequel of the summer. Let's look at the rankings:
Most Disappointing:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
4. Ocean's 13 - 28
5. Die Hard 4 - 19
I promise to get caught up with the mediocre contenders in time for Harry Potter.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off:Ocean's 13
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
I gave Ocean's 13 a spin on the Return of the Clones Ratings. Before we get started, given the Soprano's ending leaving frayed ends in every direction, we're going to have to change the 'too much tying-up of loose ends' category to the blander Nice Neat Package category.
1) Return of the King Factor for extreme length: If anything, it was too short. Rating: Solid 1.
2) Worlds' End Factor for excess exposition: There's definitely a few too many characters with strange things going on. What's the idea w/ the Basher notes? Why was Ellen Barkin in this movie other than to be taken advantage of and to look hot? Ocean might consider a prequel next time, say Ocean's 5. Drop the excess baggage and leave yourself room to build up to 11. Rating: 4.
3) Nice Neat Package rating: Very low. These guys are just going to keep pulling jobs and acquiring enemies. Rating: 1.
4) X-Men X Factor for Setting Up the Next Sequel: This is where things get hairy. We've got abandoned wives to think about, an angry Al Pacino itching for that Godfather 2 sentiment; Ellen Barkin's just kind of turning in the air, there's the one European dude, there are at least 5 more Vegas locations that need to have a little classical music victory stand. Even Saul seems healthier than ever. The only thing is, Clooney and Pitt don't seem to care much. The ending is more like, "Sure, we'll do another sequel if we feel like it." Rating: 7.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome: No fun. This movie has a little fun, especially in Mexico, but the main characters are missing their oomph and Eddie Izzard seems woefully misused. Rating: 4.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome: I'll say this, they definitely went outside the box. Really nothing too much to complain about here. Rating: 2.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome for bad original casting: This is the series' strength. These dudes rock, plus they got Don Cheadle before he was anything. Rating: 0.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome for bored w/ role leads: This is a little bit of a problem. It's too easy, and with all the extra characters, we're not getting enough Clooney and Pitt, plus we're minus the ladies. Rating: 6.
9) Ewok Syndrome for shameless marketing: Unless someone's building the impossible "Bank" Casino, nothing to get upset about here. Unless it's marketing the stars themselves. So: 2.
10) George Lucas Disease for complete let-down vis-a-vis expectations: Some symptoms, but not a full-blown case. This movie was pretty good, but just doesn't come together. Too many characters make it feel rushed, and I could have used more fleshing out of the scheme. I don't even know what Pacino and Clooney agreed to at the sumo match. Rating: 5.
Return of the Clones Factor: 28...a pretty strong effort making Ocean's 13 the least disappointing sequel so far this summer by quite a ways. It'll be interesting to see how a #2 of a bad original movie (Fantastic Four Two) ends up playing out.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Next Price Is Right Host: Bill Clinton
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Bob Barker just retired and endorsed Rosie O'Donnell as his successor. This is a wildly bad idea given that 3 critical elements of the show are:
1) A likable old man for old women to kiss
2) Bob's beauties for him to creepily hit on
3) Bob's joking w/ the crowd during commercial breaks to keep their spirits up.
Rosie O'Donnell is not going to make old women want to come to the show and her politics might cause a riot at the local convalescence home, or as close as the old folks could come to it. I don't think America's primed either for Rosie to creepily hit on Bob's beauties. And if you haven't seen the Youtube video, Rosie likes to entertain the crowd during breaks, but not with good natured ribbing - she entertains it with hackneyed 9/11 conspiracy theories.
In short, I couldn't think of someone worse for the job and the endorsement has tainted Bob in my mind, if only briefly. Maybe it's one of those endorsements where he wants his successor to fail, just to prove Bob's greatness.
In picking a successor, a lot of names have been bandied about, Mario Lopez being a good laughable candidate. Jean Claude Van Damme crossed my mind. But then it hit me -
BILL CLINTON!!!!
Old women would love to come kiss Bubba. Bill would be perfect for the oggling and fondling the beauties bit. And Bill is just the affable sort to keep the crowd going in between breaks. I bet Bill would pull off, shamelessly, ripping off Bob's, "Have your pets spaid or neutered."
The question, I guess, is how good is Bill's short game. If you can't sink that putt, you can't have that job.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Amongst Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson, I'm taking odds:
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
Monday, May 28, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
From listening to people who've been relentlessly self-promoting their political views for years, I've discovered that events in Virginia Tech are really about too many guns, or not enough guns, or Iraq, or an uncaring society, or an incompetent Va Tech administration, or really whatever happens to be on someone's mind.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
Monday, March 05, 2007
2007 Oscars Recap
And the loser is: Ellen. I fell asleep well before all the big awards, though perhaps something subliminal woke me up in time for the classy Helen Mirren.
The winners: Jack Black and Will Ferrel.
And the awards:
Best Picture - I guess Marty carries the day.
Best Actor - Correct.
Best Actress - See above.
Supporting Actor - Lesson learned. When an older actor mysteriously appears here despite having 6 lines that could have been done better by anyone who was still willing to act, suspect the worst.
Best Actress - Right again.
Best Director - I'm so tired of being right.
Nothing else matters.
On to the all important "Wish I Would Have Seen" List. It's longer this year.
The Science of Sleep
Notes On A Scandal
Sherrybaby
Little Children
OK, so that was good for a laugh. But seriously:
We Are Marshall
The Good Shepherd
Volver
Stranger Than Fiction
Blood Diamond
Letters From Iwo
And the loser is: Ellen. I fell asleep well before all the big awards, though perhaps something subliminal woke me up in time for the classy Helen Mirren.
The winners: Jack Black and Will Ferrel.
And the awards:
Best Picture - I guess Marty carries the day.
Best Actor - Correct.
Best Actress - See above.
Supporting Actor - Lesson learned. When an older actor mysteriously appears here despite having 6 lines that could have been done better by anyone who was still willing to act, suspect the worst.
Best Actress - Right again.
Best Director - I'm so tired of being right.
Nothing else matters.
On to the all important "Wish I Would Have Seen" List. It's longer this year.
The Science of Sleep
Notes On A Scandal
Sherrybaby
Little Children
OK, so that was good for a laugh. But seriously:
We Are Marshall
The Good Shepherd
Volver
Stranger Than Fiction
Blood Diamond
Letters From Iwo
Saturday, February 24, 2007
2007 Annual Oscars Preview
So here we go with my annual completely false predictions and dead-on should-have-beens. First a recap of my reviews of the movies I wished I'd seen last year:
The Whale & The Squid - Overly overtly intellectual, tedious
Wallace&Gromit - What's with the stark sexual innuendos littered all over the last 15 minutes?
Grizzly Man - Cool bear footage. Solid film.
Corpse Bride - Eh.
Three Burials of Melky Estrada - Abominable preachy social issues film.
On to the predictions:
We'll be using my technique of totally disregarding the talent involved. Since I've not seen all the movies, I will nonetheless be issuing weighty pronouncements on which movies and performances are the best.
I'll then follow with my top 10 for the year and other awards including biggest snubs and most ridiculous nomination of the year. Stay tuned for my review of my embarrassingly bad predictions.
* Means Will Win
! Means Should Win (Of those nominated)
& Means Did Not See
BEST PICTURE
*& The Social Issues Ensemble Movie, aptly described by a friend as a globo-faux intellectual's wet dream. (Babel)
Semi-Annual Scorcese entry (The Departed)
&Annual Eastwood entry (Letters from Iwo)
Indy Social Issues Pic (Little Miss Sunshine)
! The Queen
The Departed winning wouldn't be a bad thing, but I figure Scorcese's going to get the award for director and the movie itself isn't that meaty, just entertaining. Eastwood wins too often; if he wins this time, they may rename the award after him and just start giving it to him every year, even if he doesn't make a movie. Given the rate at which he's churning movies out, he could be competing just against himself: "And now, the winner of best Clint Eastwood film..." That leaves the indy pic, which really isn't that good except for the last scene, and which suffers from being a comedy, even if it tries to play depression and failure for laughs. And finally The Queen, which happens to be a fantastic, taught, well-acted, well-written movie as lacking in political snobbery as it is chock full of depth. In short, it has no chance.
BIGGEST SNUBS: Since I realize my top 10 below has a lot of action and comedy, I will just include films that might actually fall under potential Oscar winning genres - United 93, The Prestige, Thank You For Smoking.
BEST ACTOR:
&!-Leonardo DiCaprio plays a funny accent social issues vagabond.
&-Ryan Gosling plays a crusading teacher and a drug addict
&-Peter O'Toole plays a retiring legend trotting out for a victory lap.
-Will Smith plays a man who wants to make a lot of money and who never plays the race card.
&-Forrest Whitaker plays the lovable last King of Scotland (A black king? Why not, it worked in Blazing Saddles.)
Leo apparently pissed on Speilberg while he was visiting Aushwitz or something and will never win anything ever. He also comes across as a weiner but hey, he's supposed to be good in this. I simply can't take Forrest Whitaker seriously. One of those hospital shows breathlessly introduced him as "one of the most respected actors of his generation," and I thought, "By whom? His mother? When did this take place." Was there some subtext to Panic Room I wasn't picking up on? Ryan Gosling is a nobody but really comes up big mixing 2 Oscar favorites - inspiring teacher AND drug addict. If Johnny Depp had taken this role he'd already have a speech ready. Peter O'Toole shouldn't win because I don't want him to die navigating the stairs. And Will Smith has no shot in hell. As he's sitting dejected in his little picture-in-picture screen, he'll be thinking, "I should have played the race card."
SNUBS: Aaron Eckhardt (TYFS), Christian Bale (Prestige), Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat), Several Individuals from The Departed who were apparently forgotten because no one could tell who was a lead and who was supporting except for Mark Wahlberg, and Daniel Craig (Casino Royale). In fact I would replace the entire nomination list. Eckhardt was brilliant, Bale is always brilliant and additionally really showed up Hugh Jackman, who is pretty darn good, Cohen freaking lived this ridiculous character but is hurt by the fact that he'd already created it, The Departed speaks for itself, Nicholson, Damon, Leo all deserved a nod, and Craig stepped to the Bond plate and knocked the role out of the park. Oh, and Keanu for A Scanner Darkly. Just kidding. He goes through the whole movie with that "Whoa" look on his face, just begging to drop it in.
Actress:
&Penelope Cruz is pretty (Volver)
&Dame Judi Dench annual nomination (Notes on a Scandal)
*!Helen Mirren plays The Queen
Meryl Streep annual nomination (Devil Wears Prada)
&Kate Winslet semi-annual indy pic nomination (Little Children)
I rarely care about this award because usually the roles are so weak. For purely aesthetic reasons, Penelope can win all the awards she wants, but she does do shampoo commercials. That's a real sticking point because so do Andie MacDowell and Lark Voories. Streep was very good in an otherwise dull movie. She and Dench deserve their annual re-up more than Eastwood does. Interestingly, the only non-star nominated is the one who should absolutely win. Here's hoping Ms. Mirren starts taking some of Dame Dench's roles so she can pace herself a bit. I can't get enough classy English ladies in my movies. I wonder if Ms. Mirren will be "damed" by the queen she played.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Alan Arkin has about 6 lines of dialogue (Little Miss Sunshine)
& Jackie Earl Haley is a complete unknown and may not have been informed yet of his nomination (Little Children)
&Djimon Hounsou is an aggrieved African (Blood Diamond - ever notice that this guy plays every African regardless of nationality. Africa has more genetic diversity than the rest of the world, from 7-foot Masais to pygmies but apparently everyone from Cote D'Voire to Lesotho looks exactly the same)
&!* Eddie Murphy is in a musical
Mark Wahlberg is here because he's the only actor in The Departed who couldn't possibly be considered a lead.
I'm sorry but Oscars just don't go to Mark Wahlberg. See Dillon, Matt 2006. Alan Arkin's character was well written, had little screen time, and honestly could have been better played by any number of old-timers, including several of my old neighbors. He's the most forgettable part of that cast. Eddie Murphy is the big name, has the race card in his pocket, and jumped out of comedy to do a musical. He even sang. He gets the spirit award.
SNUBS: Bill Nighy for Davey Jones in Pirates 2. That's an impressive creation. John C. Reilly for The Magic Man in The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - extra points for the ad libbing. Al Gore's political ambitions in An Inconvenient Truth - it was like a recurring cameo that made no sense with the rest of the movie. And boy was it a stretch.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
&Adriana Barraza is an aggrieved Mexican babysitter
&Cate Blanchett is a star playing a smaller role in an indy pic
!Abigail Breslin is the ubiquitous Jerry Maguire Kid, extra points for hysterical strip tease
*&Jennifer Hudson plays herself
&Rinko Kikuchi has no lines of dialogue (I think) but is likely an aggrieved Japanese mute.
I wonder what Simon Cowell thinks of Hudson's performance.
SNUBS: Eva Green as a great Bond dame, Vera Farmiga pulling off a poorly written character in The Departed, Mia Kirschner as Elizabeth Short in the atrocious The Black Dahlia.
Director
Basically Scorcese is going to win so there's no point in even looking at this category. His peers Speilberg, Coppola, and George Lucas (zuh?) have been selected as the presenters, which probably means that they're not giving the award to Paul Greengrass. I'd guess Eastwood would replace Lucas if he weren't bound by contractual obligations to be nominated for this category. Speilberg was nice enough not to force any schlock on us this year, perhaps in deference to Marty's chances. Coppola's an obvious choice since he's responsible for the 2 best movies ever. George Lucas was also chosen for his venerable career dedicated to the art of cinema. I couldn't write that line without a chuckle. Anyways, 3 makes it more important than 2, but who else is there? James Cameron was unavailable because he just stumbled on Jesus's tomb. I can picture him climbing a top it and yelling, "I'm the king of the world." And Kenneth Turan has already panned his discovery in several articles I'm sure.
Foreign Language Film
Pan's Labyrinth was way overhyped. The saddest thing is that it's so obvious while watching how the movie could have been made into something with depth (make the father/officer sympathetic) but oh well. And what's w/ Canada having a nomination? They don't talk that funny. Leo's Blood Diamond accent is more foreign than aboot.
Adapted Screenplay
What is Borat doing here? The movie was not an adaptation, nor did it have a screenplay.
Original Screenplay
This is probably where Sunshine gets its award but the Queen writer deserves it more.
Animated Feature
I'm so passionate about this category, I can't even comment.
Art Direction - Pirates 2 was such an aesthetic marvel that it'd be a crime if it didn't win. That said, I love the look that was cultivated in the Prestige. Naturally neither will win.
Cinematography - I actually say Children of Men on this one. The continuous shot sequences were astounding pieces of work. If only they'd told me why they weren't having babies.
Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Film Editing - Why are these categories not handled during the technical awards show the previous day? Anyways, I hope Apocalypto wins, opening the door for the breathless pause before the acceptance speeches, hoping for some reference to Mel. The anti-semitism is the easy route...I'm hoping for an "angel tits" reference.
Original Score - Pirates had a great one. A general plea - musical scores are some of the best music being created. That's how bad pop music is. I'd blame Cold Play, but they just took the whinier Radiohead and made it less avante guard.
Original Song - Ugh.
Costume - How can Devil Wears Prada not win? Wouldn't that be a total indictment of the film, if a movie about defining high fashion can't even have the best costumes?
Documentary Feature - I think the category title is unfair. Documentaries are now propaganda films. That's not necessarily a bad thing, propaganda is a form of art. But why keep pretending?
Makeup - Obviously a real shot for Apocalypto here. My question is that there are 3 nominations here, and one of them is Click. Click? The Adam Sandler remote control movie? I didn't see this movie. Does anyone know how this happened? Was it a prank write-in campaign?
Visual Effects - Again, Pirates 2 is a lock. Nothing else should have been nominated.
THIS YEAR'S SNUBS:
OVERHYPED BLOCKBUSTER DIVISION: In a tight race with Dreamgirls' Best Pic snub, I give it to Flags of Our Fathers. Oh it stank and Letters to Iwo gave them an out, but nonetheless, any loss for Eastwood is an upset.
SPIELBERG DIVISION: The New World. Terrence Malick's rambling nature films with some sort of plot going on in the foreground, occasionally spliced with empty voice over usually are golden for a nod. What happened? Colin Farrel?
SEQUEL DIVISION: Sly Stallone for anything in Rocky Balboa. The guy was trying to say good bye. Not even an Oscar nod for lifetime soundtrack achievement. Now he's going to make the nightmare real and do Shakespeare. I can sense it. Hey, if Keanu can not only do Shakespeare but also Philip K. Dick, Stallone can do anything. I personally am rooting for boxing announcer.
SOCIAL ISSUES DIVISION: Children of Men - you have to make the commentary more explicit if you're hoping to illicit a nomination. And tell us why they're not having babies.
ANTI-ANTI SEMITISM DIVISION: Mel Gibson. If a guy can't curse out the Jews and then call the arresting officer "angel tits" and still get his bizarre dead language film nominated then the terrorists have won.
MOST RIDICULOUS NOMINATION: Click for anything.
TOP TEN FILMS:
Honorable Mention: Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Even though the movie's not good, the concert got rained on, and Eric Badou's afro-wig came off, totally erasing her street cred, the man got the Fugees back together. Damn Lauryn Hill is good.
10. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - this film basically pisses excellence.
9. Inside Man
8. Pirates 2 - A very underrated film. I think it's because no one else knows how to play Liar's Dice.
7. Casino Royale - This was the best Bond movie I've seen.
6. United 93 - Get over the $ thing. Nobody called Michael Moore a war profiteer but he's far more guilty and doesn't have the decency to give 10% of the gate to the folks whose tragedy he's making $ off of.
5. The Prestige - Dark, original, complex. It reminds me of good Hitchcock with all of the tone shifts, the way it forces you to change your mind about characters.
4. The Departed - I know, I know. It's good. But there are several sections that drag and the Farmiga/DiCapprio relationship seems to lack something other than being a contrived plot device. Plus it was a relatively good year for movies.
3. The Queen
2. Thank You For Smoking
1. Borat
So here we go with my annual completely false predictions and dead-on should-have-beens. First a recap of my reviews of the movies I wished I'd seen last year:
The Whale & The Squid - Overly overtly intellectual, tedious
Wallace&Gromit - What's with the stark sexual innuendos littered all over the last 15 minutes?
Grizzly Man - Cool bear footage. Solid film.
Corpse Bride - Eh.
Three Burials of Melky Estrada - Abominable preachy social issues film.
On to the predictions:
We'll be using my technique of totally disregarding the talent involved. Since I've not seen all the movies, I will nonetheless be issuing weighty pronouncements on which movies and performances are the best.
I'll then follow with my top 10 for the year and other awards including biggest snubs and most ridiculous nomination of the year. Stay tuned for my review of my embarrassingly bad predictions.
* Means Will Win
! Means Should Win (Of those nominated)
& Means Did Not See
BEST PICTURE
*& The Social Issues Ensemble Movie, aptly described by a friend as a globo-faux intellectual's wet dream. (Babel)
Semi-Annual Scorcese entry (The Departed)
&Annual Eastwood entry (Letters from Iwo)
Indy Social Issues Pic (Little Miss Sunshine)
! The Queen
The Departed winning wouldn't be a bad thing, but I figure Scorcese's going to get the award for director and the movie itself isn't that meaty, just entertaining. Eastwood wins too often; if he wins this time, they may rename the award after him and just start giving it to him every year, even if he doesn't make a movie. Given the rate at which he's churning movies out, he could be competing just against himself: "And now, the winner of best Clint Eastwood film..." That leaves the indy pic, which really isn't that good except for the last scene, and which suffers from being a comedy, even if it tries to play depression and failure for laughs. And finally The Queen, which happens to be a fantastic, taught, well-acted, well-written movie as lacking in political snobbery as it is chock full of depth. In short, it has no chance.
BIGGEST SNUBS: Since I realize my top 10 below has a lot of action and comedy, I will just include films that might actually fall under potential Oscar winning genres - United 93, The Prestige, Thank You For Smoking.
BEST ACTOR:
&!-Leonardo DiCaprio plays a funny accent social issues vagabond.
&-Ryan Gosling plays a crusading teacher and a drug addict
&-Peter O'Toole plays a retiring legend trotting out for a victory lap.
-Will Smith plays a man who wants to make a lot of money and who never plays the race card.
&-Forrest Whitaker plays the lovable last King of Scotland (A black king? Why not, it worked in Blazing Saddles.)
Leo apparently pissed on Speilberg while he was visiting Aushwitz or something and will never win anything ever. He also comes across as a weiner but hey, he's supposed to be good in this. I simply can't take Forrest Whitaker seriously. One of those hospital shows breathlessly introduced him as "one of the most respected actors of his generation," and I thought, "By whom? His mother? When did this take place." Was there some subtext to Panic Room I wasn't picking up on? Ryan Gosling is a nobody but really comes up big mixing 2 Oscar favorites - inspiring teacher AND drug addict. If Johnny Depp had taken this role he'd already have a speech ready. Peter O'Toole shouldn't win because I don't want him to die navigating the stairs. And Will Smith has no shot in hell. As he's sitting dejected in his little picture-in-picture screen, he'll be thinking, "I should have played the race card."
SNUBS: Aaron Eckhardt (TYFS), Christian Bale (Prestige), Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat), Several Individuals from The Departed who were apparently forgotten because no one could tell who was a lead and who was supporting except for Mark Wahlberg, and Daniel Craig (Casino Royale). In fact I would replace the entire nomination list. Eckhardt was brilliant, Bale is always brilliant and additionally really showed up Hugh Jackman, who is pretty darn good, Cohen freaking lived this ridiculous character but is hurt by the fact that he'd already created it, The Departed speaks for itself, Nicholson, Damon, Leo all deserved a nod, and Craig stepped to the Bond plate and knocked the role out of the park. Oh, and Keanu for A Scanner Darkly. Just kidding. He goes through the whole movie with that "Whoa" look on his face, just begging to drop it in.
Actress:
&Penelope Cruz is pretty (Volver)
&Dame Judi Dench annual nomination (Notes on a Scandal)
*!Helen Mirren plays The Queen
Meryl Streep annual nomination (Devil Wears Prada)
&Kate Winslet semi-annual indy pic nomination (Little Children)
I rarely care about this award because usually the roles are so weak. For purely aesthetic reasons, Penelope can win all the awards she wants, but she does do shampoo commercials. That's a real sticking point because so do Andie MacDowell and Lark Voories. Streep was very good in an otherwise dull movie. She and Dench deserve their annual re-up more than Eastwood does. Interestingly, the only non-star nominated is the one who should absolutely win. Here's hoping Ms. Mirren starts taking some of Dame Dench's roles so she can pace herself a bit. I can't get enough classy English ladies in my movies. I wonder if Ms. Mirren will be "damed" by the queen she played.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Alan Arkin has about 6 lines of dialogue (Little Miss Sunshine)
& Jackie Earl Haley is a complete unknown and may not have been informed yet of his nomination (Little Children)
&Djimon Hounsou is an aggrieved African (Blood Diamond - ever notice that this guy plays every African regardless of nationality. Africa has more genetic diversity than the rest of the world, from 7-foot Masais to pygmies but apparently everyone from Cote D'Voire to Lesotho looks exactly the same)
&!* Eddie Murphy is in a musical
Mark Wahlberg is here because he's the only actor in The Departed who couldn't possibly be considered a lead.
I'm sorry but Oscars just don't go to Mark Wahlberg. See Dillon, Matt 2006. Alan Arkin's character was well written, had little screen time, and honestly could have been better played by any number of old-timers, including several of my old neighbors. He's the most forgettable part of that cast. Eddie Murphy is the big name, has the race card in his pocket, and jumped out of comedy to do a musical. He even sang. He gets the spirit award.
SNUBS: Bill Nighy for Davey Jones in Pirates 2. That's an impressive creation. John C. Reilly for The Magic Man in The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - extra points for the ad libbing. Al Gore's political ambitions in An Inconvenient Truth - it was like a recurring cameo that made no sense with the rest of the movie. And boy was it a stretch.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
&Adriana Barraza is an aggrieved Mexican babysitter
&Cate Blanchett is a star playing a smaller role in an indy pic
!Abigail Breslin is the ubiquitous Jerry Maguire Kid, extra points for hysterical strip tease
*&Jennifer Hudson plays herself
&Rinko Kikuchi has no lines of dialogue (I think) but is likely an aggrieved Japanese mute.
I wonder what Simon Cowell thinks of Hudson's performance.
SNUBS: Eva Green as a great Bond dame, Vera Farmiga pulling off a poorly written character in The Departed, Mia Kirschner as Elizabeth Short in the atrocious The Black Dahlia.
Director
Basically Scorcese is going to win so there's no point in even looking at this category. His peers Speilberg, Coppola, and George Lucas (zuh?) have been selected as the presenters, which probably means that they're not giving the award to Paul Greengrass. I'd guess Eastwood would replace Lucas if he weren't bound by contractual obligations to be nominated for this category. Speilberg was nice enough not to force any schlock on us this year, perhaps in deference to Marty's chances. Coppola's an obvious choice since he's responsible for the 2 best movies ever. George Lucas was also chosen for his venerable career dedicated to the art of cinema. I couldn't write that line without a chuckle. Anyways, 3 makes it more important than 2, but who else is there? James Cameron was unavailable because he just stumbled on Jesus's tomb. I can picture him climbing a top it and yelling, "I'm the king of the world." And Kenneth Turan has already panned his discovery in several articles I'm sure.
Foreign Language Film
Pan's Labyrinth was way overhyped. The saddest thing is that it's so obvious while watching how the movie could have been made into something with depth (make the father/officer sympathetic) but oh well. And what's w/ Canada having a nomination? They don't talk that funny. Leo's Blood Diamond accent is more foreign than aboot.
Adapted Screenplay
What is Borat doing here? The movie was not an adaptation, nor did it have a screenplay.
Original Screenplay
This is probably where Sunshine gets its award but the Queen writer deserves it more.
Animated Feature
I'm so passionate about this category, I can't even comment.
Art Direction - Pirates 2 was such an aesthetic marvel that it'd be a crime if it didn't win. That said, I love the look that was cultivated in the Prestige. Naturally neither will win.
Cinematography - I actually say Children of Men on this one. The continuous shot sequences were astounding pieces of work. If only they'd told me why they weren't having babies.
Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Film Editing - Why are these categories not handled during the technical awards show the previous day? Anyways, I hope Apocalypto wins, opening the door for the breathless pause before the acceptance speeches, hoping for some reference to Mel. The anti-semitism is the easy route...I'm hoping for an "angel tits" reference.
Original Score - Pirates had a great one. A general plea - musical scores are some of the best music being created. That's how bad pop music is. I'd blame Cold Play, but they just took the whinier Radiohead and made it less avante guard.
Original Song - Ugh.
Costume - How can Devil Wears Prada not win? Wouldn't that be a total indictment of the film, if a movie about defining high fashion can't even have the best costumes?
Documentary Feature - I think the category title is unfair. Documentaries are now propaganda films. That's not necessarily a bad thing, propaganda is a form of art. But why keep pretending?
Makeup - Obviously a real shot for Apocalypto here. My question is that there are 3 nominations here, and one of them is Click. Click? The Adam Sandler remote control movie? I didn't see this movie. Does anyone know how this happened? Was it a prank write-in campaign?
Visual Effects - Again, Pirates 2 is a lock. Nothing else should have been nominated.
THIS YEAR'S SNUBS:
OVERHYPED BLOCKBUSTER DIVISION: In a tight race with Dreamgirls' Best Pic snub, I give it to Flags of Our Fathers. Oh it stank and Letters to Iwo gave them an out, but nonetheless, any loss for Eastwood is an upset.
SPIELBERG DIVISION: The New World. Terrence Malick's rambling nature films with some sort of plot going on in the foreground, occasionally spliced with empty voice over usually are golden for a nod. What happened? Colin Farrel?
SEQUEL DIVISION: Sly Stallone for anything in Rocky Balboa. The guy was trying to say good bye. Not even an Oscar nod for lifetime soundtrack achievement. Now he's going to make the nightmare real and do Shakespeare. I can sense it. Hey, if Keanu can not only do Shakespeare but also Philip K. Dick, Stallone can do anything. I personally am rooting for boxing announcer.
SOCIAL ISSUES DIVISION: Children of Men - you have to make the commentary more explicit if you're hoping to illicit a nomination. And tell us why they're not having babies.
ANTI-ANTI SEMITISM DIVISION: Mel Gibson. If a guy can't curse out the Jews and then call the arresting officer "angel tits" and still get his bizarre dead language film nominated then the terrorists have won.
MOST RIDICULOUS NOMINATION: Click for anything.
TOP TEN FILMS:
Honorable Mention: Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Even though the movie's not good, the concert got rained on, and Eric Badou's afro-wig came off, totally erasing her street cred, the man got the Fugees back together. Damn Lauryn Hill is good.
10. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - this film basically pisses excellence.
9. Inside Man
8. Pirates 2 - A very underrated film. I think it's because no one else knows how to play Liar's Dice.
7. Casino Royale - This was the best Bond movie I've seen.
6. United 93 - Get over the $ thing. Nobody called Michael Moore a war profiteer but he's far more guilty and doesn't have the decency to give 10% of the gate to the folks whose tragedy he's making $ off of.
5. The Prestige - Dark, original, complex. It reminds me of good Hitchcock with all of the tone shifts, the way it forces you to change your mind about characters.
4. The Departed - I know, I know. It's good. But there are several sections that drag and the Farmiga/DiCapprio relationship seems to lack something other than being a contrived plot device. Plus it was a relatively good year for movies.
3. The Queen
2. Thank You For Smoking
1. Borat
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The All-Star game is in Las Vegas this year. For those of you who don't follow the Kings closely, this is part of a multi-year effort by the NBA to shop the team with the most loyal fan base in the league to a mob town of alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, frat boys, prostitutes, and tourists. Hey, it's good business practice to tell your best customers that you'd rather throw away the last shreds of integrity that a sport has by maxing out the credit cards of America's least responsible spenders.
I'm just wondering, where's Sacramento's All-Star game? You know, like maybe the towns that actually have a team should get a crack at a game. Why not have them all in Las Vegas...better than deciding that every NBA town gets one except us. Charlotte got an all-star game...a year after they got their second financially failing team. You're telling me Charlotte has more hotel space, more claim to host an All-Star game than the state capital of California? You'd rather host a game in the murder capital, Detroit?
I'd be OK if it were in Vegas every year. Barkley could hold an annual trundle. Jordan would probably come play just to gamble. But instead, every other city in the league gets one except us...so now cities without teams start to get one. This is just part of an organized campaign to dump on Kings' fans.
I'm what you might call a Kings dead ender. I remember the 4 first round draft picks we had in one year...all of them busts. Joe Klein instead of Karl Malone. "Never Present" Pervis Ellison 1st overall. I called Grant Napear's show. I thought Gary St. Jean would be the answer. Wayman Tisdale was my favorite player. I witnessed Walt Williams airball a fast break dunk. I had a Bobby Hurley shirt...I wore it to games even after the car accident where Mike "The Other Guy in the Poster" Peplowski saved him...you know, the Bobby Hurley who couldn't break a full court press put on by Crazy George and Slamson, the human bakery Bobby Hurley that served up turnovers at a rate that would have made White Chocolate air-machine gun a line of fans in envy.
For a decade plus, the Kings sold out games without a single winning season. Then they got good and we were the loudest crowd in league history, an environment so intimidating, opposing coaches complained to the referees. We brought cow bells. Bobby Jackson got kisses on the head during games.
One would have thought, "Hey, that's a town that loves basketball. Heck, their minor league baseball team occasionally outdraws the major league team 2 hours away. That's a customer you want to keep." But you'd be of the mindset that wants people to watch basketball games and believe in the outcome...the sort of person that would take a few less dollars to have playoff games on network television rather than, say, the Outdoor Life Network.
You see, Commissioner Sternleone and his hatchet man Big City Knick Bavetta should have tipped us off when they decided to fix Game 6 of the Western Conference championships and thereby rob the city of its only legitimate championship. We're left to point despairingly at WNBA titles, World League football titles for the Sacramento Surge and washed-up QB David Archer.
Now the league is saying we can't have an all-star game, or even our team, if we don't pony up the dough for a 3rd arena in 25 years. I guess the image the league is going for is an aging chubby Mike Bibby squandering his fortune in the Maloof's hotel-casino.
In summary, if the team is stolen from us, Sternleone's contribution to Sacramento will have been 2 husky arenas out in the flood plain near the airport, a stolen championship, some ugly uniforms, and a legacy of hatred that could spawn kamikaze units. The Maloofs have been good to Sacramento, they might be able to sneak out of town under assumed identities until they got back to their mafioso liquor-running friends. But Stern...the man would need a Pope-mobile to drive past the capital.
I'm just wondering, where's Sacramento's All-Star game? You know, like maybe the towns that actually have a team should get a crack at a game. Why not have them all in Las Vegas...better than deciding that every NBA town gets one except us. Charlotte got an all-star game...a year after they got their second financially failing team. You're telling me Charlotte has more hotel space, more claim to host an All-Star game than the state capital of California? You'd rather host a game in the murder capital, Detroit?
I'd be OK if it were in Vegas every year. Barkley could hold an annual trundle. Jordan would probably come play just to gamble. But instead, every other city in the league gets one except us...so now cities without teams start to get one. This is just part of an organized campaign to dump on Kings' fans.
I'm what you might call a Kings dead ender. I remember the 4 first round draft picks we had in one year...all of them busts. Joe Klein instead of Karl Malone. "Never Present" Pervis Ellison 1st overall. I called Grant Napear's show. I thought Gary St. Jean would be the answer. Wayman Tisdale was my favorite player. I witnessed Walt Williams airball a fast break dunk. I had a Bobby Hurley shirt...I wore it to games even after the car accident where Mike "The Other Guy in the Poster" Peplowski saved him...you know, the Bobby Hurley who couldn't break a full court press put on by Crazy George and Slamson, the human bakery Bobby Hurley that served up turnovers at a rate that would have made White Chocolate air-machine gun a line of fans in envy.
For a decade plus, the Kings sold out games without a single winning season. Then they got good and we were the loudest crowd in league history, an environment so intimidating, opposing coaches complained to the referees. We brought cow bells. Bobby Jackson got kisses on the head during games.
One would have thought, "Hey, that's a town that loves basketball. Heck, their minor league baseball team occasionally outdraws the major league team 2 hours away. That's a customer you want to keep." But you'd be of the mindset that wants people to watch basketball games and believe in the outcome...the sort of person that would take a few less dollars to have playoff games on network television rather than, say, the Outdoor Life Network.
You see, Commissioner Sternleone and his hatchet man Big City Knick Bavetta should have tipped us off when they decided to fix Game 6 of the Western Conference championships and thereby rob the city of its only legitimate championship. We're left to point despairingly at WNBA titles, World League football titles for the Sacramento Surge and washed-up QB David Archer.
Now the league is saying we can't have an all-star game, or even our team, if we don't pony up the dough for a 3rd arena in 25 years. I guess the image the league is going for is an aging chubby Mike Bibby squandering his fortune in the Maloof's hotel-casino.
In summary, if the team is stolen from us, Sternleone's contribution to Sacramento will have been 2 husky arenas out in the flood plain near the airport, a stolen championship, some ugly uniforms, and a legacy of hatred that could spawn kamikaze units. The Maloofs have been good to Sacramento, they might be able to sneak out of town under assumed identities until they got back to their mafioso liquor-running friends. But Stern...the man would need a Pope-mobile to drive past the capital.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Dietary Changes
So I decided to eat less, eat less fat, and eat more fiber for no particular reason. A few strange things happen besides the obvious (namely always being hungrier).
1) Taking a dump is a lot more of a workout. Before all that junk would race right through me. Now it feels like I'm voiding a boa constrictor.
2) I'm less excited to eat. I think this is the key to 'healthy' foods leading to weight loss. When you think about eating, you think, "well, I'm not missing much anyways.'
3) Good food starts tasting bad. I put some sprite in my mouth, it tasted nasty. What gives? Is there no going back to the days of yore when food tasted good?
4) All that stuff about more energy, feeling lighter, etc. Especially when I'm done taking a dump.
So I decided to eat less, eat less fat, and eat more fiber for no particular reason. A few strange things happen besides the obvious (namely always being hungrier).
1) Taking a dump is a lot more of a workout. Before all that junk would race right through me. Now it feels like I'm voiding a boa constrictor.
2) I'm less excited to eat. I think this is the key to 'healthy' foods leading to weight loss. When you think about eating, you think, "well, I'm not missing much anyways.'
3) Good food starts tasting bad. I put some sprite in my mouth, it tasted nasty. What gives? Is there no going back to the days of yore when food tasted good?
4) All that stuff about more energy, feeling lighter, etc. Especially when I'm done taking a dump.
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