Oscars Preview Part 1: 2016 in Movie Titles

BONE COLLECTOR AWARD FOR BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLE:

5. Sully

4. The Magnificent Seven

3. Pete’s Dragon

2. Alice Through the Looking Glass

1. Me Before You

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN WORST INADVERTENT PORN TITLE: The Disappointments Room

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN SACRILEGE: Risen

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN ADVERTENT INADVERTENT PORN TITLE: Weiner

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS AWARD FOR B-MOVIE TITLE BEST LEFT TO THE IMAGINATION:

• For the Love of Spock
• The Greasy Strangler
• Kill Me, Deadly
• No Pay, Nudity
• We Are Twisted Fucking Sister

WINNER: No Pay, Nudity: I believe this was the original name for the internet.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT IN TRYING TOO HARD: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

ED NOTE: It’s sadly become time to retire this award. The proliferation of digital dissemination platforms has all but ended theatrical release of b-movie shlock. It’s just after “jobs with dignity” on the list of things weighing on retiring boomers’ minds. All that’s left to drive this category is the aggressively absurd documentary title. For which we already have…

MOST POMPOUS TITLE:

• Generation Found –  We have a new name for millennials: Generation Found. It perfectly captures the nature of millennial angst – an unmet desire to be discovered, heard, employed, celebrated. A generation obsessed with self-discovery. A generation not lost, but badly foundering.
• How to Let Go of the World and Love All Things Climate Can’t Change – The longest title of the year is almost always a contender…
• Michael Moore in Trumpland – Mr. Moore’s Barnum-esque genius for relentless self-promotion has gone from putting his face on every poster, to adding his name to the marquee, and now summited by joining the ranks of similarly skilled sleuths like the Pink Panther and Ernest, yes “Hey Verne” Ernest, in making himself a running titular character in his own cinematic reality show
• Requiem for the American Dream – We’ve been singing this dirge since the 60’s. Go meet a few immigrants. Rumors of the dream’s demise are greatly exaggerated.
• Revelation: Dawn of Global Government – I’m particularly fond of the “Revelation” at the outset of the title, which manages the tabloid bifecta of polishing the movie’s contents with a preposterous “look here”, while also alluding to biblical millenarianism in forecasting the evils of internationalist humanism.

WINNER: How to Let Go of the World and Love All Things Climate Can’t Change -…on top of which are equal parts environmental Cassandronomy, faux Buddhist rejectionism and misanthropy, and free-aimed love.

SPECIAL AWARD FOR TITLE POMPOSITY IN WIDE RELEASE: Collateral Beauty 

SPECIAL AWARD FOR TITULAR SELF-MOCKERY: The Finest Hours – Allow me to assure you, they most definitely were not.

SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOST FOOLISH SEQUEL TITLE: Now You See Me 2. Now You Don’t. There was even a fan campaign to fix the title.