Academy Awards Review Day 1: The Year In Silly Movie Titles

THE YEAR IN SILLY MOVIE TITLES

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS AWARD FOR GREAT LOW BUDGET TITLE PROBABLY BEST LEFT TO THE IMAGINATION

• Bad Asses on the Bayou
• Bloodsucking Bastards
• Home Sweet Hell
• War Pigs
• Zombeavers

WINNER: Zombeavers.

To borrow from Tropic Thunder, you never go full retard if you’re going for an academy award. You never go full Zombie if you’re going for this award. But half-zombie, half ludicrous animal cum sexual innuendo – it’s like Harvey Weinstein produced a movie about Forrest Gump surviving the Holocaust. 

MOST POMPOUS TITLE

• Big Significant Things – If this was a wide-release, it might be the first ever “Most Pompous” nominee to also earn a nomination for the best inadvertent porntitle.
• I – Oh, you. Seriously, you owe me a different title.
• Infinitely Polar Bear – Bipolar…but cute. I’m totally cereal!
• Jeremy Scott The People’s Designer - In a related incident, a UCLA football player ran into a friend of mine in the laundry room our freshman year and asked, "Excuse me...can I mix my FUBUs with my wife beaters?" I mention this because Jeremy Scott, people's designer, worked for Bjork and has since moved on to designing limited edition tennis shoes for hip-hop stars and a unisex musk that comes in a teddy bear bottle. The People aren't who they used to be. 
• The Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence – If ever there was an animal to ponder not just its own existence, but its whole species, it is the irrepressible Pigeon. The following limited options came to mind as what might have occurred to our feathered friend, as he sat on that branch:
• Fly away
• Scuttle away
• Find food
• Shit on passersby
• Shit! Did you see the size of that other pigeon?
• If God is all-powerful, and there be evil ratbirds, then God is necessarily the author of pigeons.

WINNER: I.

THE BONE COLLECTOR AWARD FOR BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLE IN A MAJOR RELEASE

• 10. Crimson Peak
• 9. Jupiter Ascending
• 8. Hot Pursuit
• 7. Mississippi Grind
• 6. Get Hard
• 5. Daddy’s Home (It may be time to admit that this is what Will Farrell’s going for)
• 4. The Longest Ride
• 3. Black Mass
• 2. The D Train

And the run-away winner, and an instant American Film Institute Top 10 for this category:

• 1. 90 Minutes in Heaven