Amongst Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson, I'm taking odds:
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be successful?
In 15 years, who is most likely to still be attractive?
In 15 years, who is most likely to be dead/done/Courtney Love?
Successful:
Simpson 3-2
Lohan 4-1
Spears 6-1
Hilton (Never has been successful)
Lohan is determined to be Courtney Love at best, Spears is, much like Christ Eliot, surviving on pity at this point, and Hilton isn't even very good at being a felon. Simpson by default. Plus she's soulless, she seems like she'd take up ska if it made her money. I can picture being like SNL - it makes too much money to cancel.
Attractive:
Lohan 3-1
Simpson 3-1
Hilton 4-1
Spears 30-1
I'm torn, Jessica's prettiest now, but Lohan should age better if she's not torn up by the steady booze/drugs diet. Hilton is not currently attractive, but she's legit skinny and should age well. Britney's waging war w/ her Elvis pounds; it's a matter of time.
Done/Dead/Courtney Love:
Lohan 5-4
Spears 3-2
Hilton 2-1
Simpson 4-1
Lohan behaves as though she already made this bet on herself. That and she doesn't understand the bet and thinks she's in the hole if she doesn't get there fast enough. I can't see how Spears could hold it together another decade with the pounds on their way. I don't know how Hilton could keep herself in the news without actually doing anything. Simpson has two ways to get here: 1) she just gets enough money that she doesn't need to stay in the game, or 2) she randomly has a complete breakdown.
Incidentally, Tara Reid tried to get in on this bet but didn't make the cut:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3bRrKqo2jQ
Monday, June 04, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Summer Sequel Square-Off
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease
We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.
Let's look at what we've seen so far:
Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.
Shrek 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.
Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.
Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.
So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53
A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:
June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?
(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)
Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
From listening to people who've been relentlessly self-promoting their political views for years, I've discovered that events in Virginia Tech are really about too many guns, or not enough guns, or Iraq, or an uncaring society, or an incompetent Va Tech administration, or really whatever happens to be on someone's mind.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
Inevitably, questions should be asked about policy changes. Certainly, the people who bear responsibility for making policies should immediately think about how to prevent something in their area of responsibility. But these people who babble on and on are not policymakers, they are heartless bastards who cheapen these people's death to a bullet point in their policy rant before the people have even been buried.
I'd rather hear about the victims who were lost. But what I get is more policy lectures. If I wanted a policy lecture, I'd go watch a movie.
Some rules for the conscience-less:
1. No policy rants before the funerals are over.
2. Think about what you can do in your own life to prevent these things. That is, since you don't have any responsibilities that would put you in a position to make policies to prevent these sort of things, and you don't do anything worthwhile, just contemplate what you would do if a murderer burst unexpectedly upon you and your colleagues to riot in your blood. It is human nature to run from the first gun shot. It is only those who flinch but then turn toward danger who can surely prevent and minimize these tragedies.
I give you as an example the Holocaust survivor who blocked his classroom door so that his students could flee. Why did this man do what he did? Because he had heard enough of such things in his life.
Monday, March 05, 2007
2007 Oscars Recap
And the loser is: Ellen. I fell asleep well before all the big awards, though perhaps something subliminal woke me up in time for the classy Helen Mirren.
The winners: Jack Black and Will Ferrel.
And the awards:
Best Picture - I guess Marty carries the day.
Best Actor - Correct.
Best Actress - See above.
Supporting Actor - Lesson learned. When an older actor mysteriously appears here despite having 6 lines that could have been done better by anyone who was still willing to act, suspect the worst.
Best Actress - Right again.
Best Director - I'm so tired of being right.
Nothing else matters.
On to the all important "Wish I Would Have Seen" List. It's longer this year.
The Science of Sleep
Notes On A Scandal
Sherrybaby
Little Children
OK, so that was good for a laugh. But seriously:
We Are Marshall
The Good Shepherd
Volver
Stranger Than Fiction
Blood Diamond
Letters From Iwo
And the loser is: Ellen. I fell asleep well before all the big awards, though perhaps something subliminal woke me up in time for the classy Helen Mirren.
The winners: Jack Black and Will Ferrel.
And the awards:
Best Picture - I guess Marty carries the day.
Best Actor - Correct.
Best Actress - See above.
Supporting Actor - Lesson learned. When an older actor mysteriously appears here despite having 6 lines that could have been done better by anyone who was still willing to act, suspect the worst.
Best Actress - Right again.
Best Director - I'm so tired of being right.
Nothing else matters.
On to the all important "Wish I Would Have Seen" List. It's longer this year.
The Science of Sleep
Notes On A Scandal
Sherrybaby
Little Children
OK, so that was good for a laugh. But seriously:
We Are Marshall
The Good Shepherd
Volver
Stranger Than Fiction
Blood Diamond
Letters From Iwo
Saturday, February 24, 2007
2007 Annual Oscars Preview
So here we go with my annual completely false predictions and dead-on should-have-beens. First a recap of my reviews of the movies I wished I'd seen last year:
The Whale & The Squid - Overly overtly intellectual, tedious
Wallace&Gromit - What's with the stark sexual innuendos littered all over the last 15 minutes?
Grizzly Man - Cool bear footage. Solid film.
Corpse Bride - Eh.
Three Burials of Melky Estrada - Abominable preachy social issues film.
On to the predictions:
We'll be using my technique of totally disregarding the talent involved. Since I've not seen all the movies, I will nonetheless be issuing weighty pronouncements on which movies and performances are the best.
I'll then follow with my top 10 for the year and other awards including biggest snubs and most ridiculous nomination of the year. Stay tuned for my review of my embarrassingly bad predictions.
* Means Will Win
! Means Should Win (Of those nominated)
& Means Did Not See
BEST PICTURE
*& The Social Issues Ensemble Movie, aptly described by a friend as a globo-faux intellectual's wet dream. (Babel)
Semi-Annual Scorcese entry (The Departed)
&Annual Eastwood entry (Letters from Iwo)
Indy Social Issues Pic (Little Miss Sunshine)
! The Queen
The Departed winning wouldn't be a bad thing, but I figure Scorcese's going to get the award for director and the movie itself isn't that meaty, just entertaining. Eastwood wins too often; if he wins this time, they may rename the award after him and just start giving it to him every year, even if he doesn't make a movie. Given the rate at which he's churning movies out, he could be competing just against himself: "And now, the winner of best Clint Eastwood film..." That leaves the indy pic, which really isn't that good except for the last scene, and which suffers from being a comedy, even if it tries to play depression and failure for laughs. And finally The Queen, which happens to be a fantastic, taught, well-acted, well-written movie as lacking in political snobbery as it is chock full of depth. In short, it has no chance.
BIGGEST SNUBS: Since I realize my top 10 below has a lot of action and comedy, I will just include films that might actually fall under potential Oscar winning genres - United 93, The Prestige, Thank You For Smoking.
BEST ACTOR:
&!-Leonardo DiCaprio plays a funny accent social issues vagabond.
&-Ryan Gosling plays a crusading teacher and a drug addict
&-Peter O'Toole plays a retiring legend trotting out for a victory lap.
-Will Smith plays a man who wants to make a lot of money and who never plays the race card.
&-Forrest Whitaker plays the lovable last King of Scotland (A black king? Why not, it worked in Blazing Saddles.)
Leo apparently pissed on Speilberg while he was visiting Aushwitz or something and will never win anything ever. He also comes across as a weiner but hey, he's supposed to be good in this. I simply can't take Forrest Whitaker seriously. One of those hospital shows breathlessly introduced him as "one of the most respected actors of his generation," and I thought, "By whom? His mother? When did this take place." Was there some subtext to Panic Room I wasn't picking up on? Ryan Gosling is a nobody but really comes up big mixing 2 Oscar favorites - inspiring teacher AND drug addict. If Johnny Depp had taken this role he'd already have a speech ready. Peter O'Toole shouldn't win because I don't want him to die navigating the stairs. And Will Smith has no shot in hell. As he's sitting dejected in his little picture-in-picture screen, he'll be thinking, "I should have played the race card."
SNUBS: Aaron Eckhardt (TYFS), Christian Bale (Prestige), Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat), Several Individuals from The Departed who were apparently forgotten because no one could tell who was a lead and who was supporting except for Mark Wahlberg, and Daniel Craig (Casino Royale). In fact I would replace the entire nomination list. Eckhardt was brilliant, Bale is always brilliant and additionally really showed up Hugh Jackman, who is pretty darn good, Cohen freaking lived this ridiculous character but is hurt by the fact that he'd already created it, The Departed speaks for itself, Nicholson, Damon, Leo all deserved a nod, and Craig stepped to the Bond plate and knocked the role out of the park. Oh, and Keanu for A Scanner Darkly. Just kidding. He goes through the whole movie with that "Whoa" look on his face, just begging to drop it in.
Actress:
&Penelope Cruz is pretty (Volver)
&Dame Judi Dench annual nomination (Notes on a Scandal)
*!Helen Mirren plays The Queen
Meryl Streep annual nomination (Devil Wears Prada)
&Kate Winslet semi-annual indy pic nomination (Little Children)
I rarely care about this award because usually the roles are so weak. For purely aesthetic reasons, Penelope can win all the awards she wants, but she does do shampoo commercials. That's a real sticking point because so do Andie MacDowell and Lark Voories. Streep was very good in an otherwise dull movie. She and Dench deserve their annual re-up more than Eastwood does. Interestingly, the only non-star nominated is the one who should absolutely win. Here's hoping Ms. Mirren starts taking some of Dame Dench's roles so she can pace herself a bit. I can't get enough classy English ladies in my movies. I wonder if Ms. Mirren will be "damed" by the queen she played.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Alan Arkin has about 6 lines of dialogue (Little Miss Sunshine)
& Jackie Earl Haley is a complete unknown and may not have been informed yet of his nomination (Little Children)
&Djimon Hounsou is an aggrieved African (Blood Diamond - ever notice that this guy plays every African regardless of nationality. Africa has more genetic diversity than the rest of the world, from 7-foot Masais to pygmies but apparently everyone from Cote D'Voire to Lesotho looks exactly the same)
&!* Eddie Murphy is in a musical
Mark Wahlberg is here because he's the only actor in The Departed who couldn't possibly be considered a lead.
I'm sorry but Oscars just don't go to Mark Wahlberg. See Dillon, Matt 2006. Alan Arkin's character was well written, had little screen time, and honestly could have been better played by any number of old-timers, including several of my old neighbors. He's the most forgettable part of that cast. Eddie Murphy is the big name, has the race card in his pocket, and jumped out of comedy to do a musical. He even sang. He gets the spirit award.
SNUBS: Bill Nighy for Davey Jones in Pirates 2. That's an impressive creation. John C. Reilly for The Magic Man in The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - extra points for the ad libbing. Al Gore's political ambitions in An Inconvenient Truth - it was like a recurring cameo that made no sense with the rest of the movie. And boy was it a stretch.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
&Adriana Barraza is an aggrieved Mexican babysitter
&Cate Blanchett is a star playing a smaller role in an indy pic
!Abigail Breslin is the ubiquitous Jerry Maguire Kid, extra points for hysterical strip tease
*&Jennifer Hudson plays herself
&Rinko Kikuchi has no lines of dialogue (I think) but is likely an aggrieved Japanese mute.
I wonder what Simon Cowell thinks of Hudson's performance.
SNUBS: Eva Green as a great Bond dame, Vera Farmiga pulling off a poorly written character in The Departed, Mia Kirschner as Elizabeth Short in the atrocious The Black Dahlia.
Director
Basically Scorcese is going to win so there's no point in even looking at this category. His peers Speilberg, Coppola, and George Lucas (zuh?) have been selected as the presenters, which probably means that they're not giving the award to Paul Greengrass. I'd guess Eastwood would replace Lucas if he weren't bound by contractual obligations to be nominated for this category. Speilberg was nice enough not to force any schlock on us this year, perhaps in deference to Marty's chances. Coppola's an obvious choice since he's responsible for the 2 best movies ever. George Lucas was also chosen for his venerable career dedicated to the art of cinema. I couldn't write that line without a chuckle. Anyways, 3 makes it more important than 2, but who else is there? James Cameron was unavailable because he just stumbled on Jesus's tomb. I can picture him climbing a top it and yelling, "I'm the king of the world." And Kenneth Turan has already panned his discovery in several articles I'm sure.
Foreign Language Film
Pan's Labyrinth was way overhyped. The saddest thing is that it's so obvious while watching how the movie could have been made into something with depth (make the father/officer sympathetic) but oh well. And what's w/ Canada having a nomination? They don't talk that funny. Leo's Blood Diamond accent is more foreign than aboot.
Adapted Screenplay
What is Borat doing here? The movie was not an adaptation, nor did it have a screenplay.
Original Screenplay
This is probably where Sunshine gets its award but the Queen writer deserves it more.
Animated Feature
I'm so passionate about this category, I can't even comment.
Art Direction - Pirates 2 was such an aesthetic marvel that it'd be a crime if it didn't win. That said, I love the look that was cultivated in the Prestige. Naturally neither will win.
Cinematography - I actually say Children of Men on this one. The continuous shot sequences were astounding pieces of work. If only they'd told me why they weren't having babies.
Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Film Editing - Why are these categories not handled during the technical awards show the previous day? Anyways, I hope Apocalypto wins, opening the door for the breathless pause before the acceptance speeches, hoping for some reference to Mel. The anti-semitism is the easy route...I'm hoping for an "angel tits" reference.
Original Score - Pirates had a great one. A general plea - musical scores are some of the best music being created. That's how bad pop music is. I'd blame Cold Play, but they just took the whinier Radiohead and made it less avante guard.
Original Song - Ugh.
Costume - How can Devil Wears Prada not win? Wouldn't that be a total indictment of the film, if a movie about defining high fashion can't even have the best costumes?
Documentary Feature - I think the category title is unfair. Documentaries are now propaganda films. That's not necessarily a bad thing, propaganda is a form of art. But why keep pretending?
Makeup - Obviously a real shot for Apocalypto here. My question is that there are 3 nominations here, and one of them is Click. Click? The Adam Sandler remote control movie? I didn't see this movie. Does anyone know how this happened? Was it a prank write-in campaign?
Visual Effects - Again, Pirates 2 is a lock. Nothing else should have been nominated.
THIS YEAR'S SNUBS:
OVERHYPED BLOCKBUSTER DIVISION: In a tight race with Dreamgirls' Best Pic snub, I give it to Flags of Our Fathers. Oh it stank and Letters to Iwo gave them an out, but nonetheless, any loss for Eastwood is an upset.
SPIELBERG DIVISION: The New World. Terrence Malick's rambling nature films with some sort of plot going on in the foreground, occasionally spliced with empty voice over usually are golden for a nod. What happened? Colin Farrel?
SEQUEL DIVISION: Sly Stallone for anything in Rocky Balboa. The guy was trying to say good bye. Not even an Oscar nod for lifetime soundtrack achievement. Now he's going to make the nightmare real and do Shakespeare. I can sense it. Hey, if Keanu can not only do Shakespeare but also Philip K. Dick, Stallone can do anything. I personally am rooting for boxing announcer.
SOCIAL ISSUES DIVISION: Children of Men - you have to make the commentary more explicit if you're hoping to illicit a nomination. And tell us why they're not having babies.
ANTI-ANTI SEMITISM DIVISION: Mel Gibson. If a guy can't curse out the Jews and then call the arresting officer "angel tits" and still get his bizarre dead language film nominated then the terrorists have won.
MOST RIDICULOUS NOMINATION: Click for anything.
TOP TEN FILMS:
Honorable Mention: Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Even though the movie's not good, the concert got rained on, and Eric Badou's afro-wig came off, totally erasing her street cred, the man got the Fugees back together. Damn Lauryn Hill is good.
10. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - this film basically pisses excellence.
9. Inside Man
8. Pirates 2 - A very underrated film. I think it's because no one else knows how to play Liar's Dice.
7. Casino Royale - This was the best Bond movie I've seen.
6. United 93 - Get over the $ thing. Nobody called Michael Moore a war profiteer but he's far more guilty and doesn't have the decency to give 10% of the gate to the folks whose tragedy he's making $ off of.
5. The Prestige - Dark, original, complex. It reminds me of good Hitchcock with all of the tone shifts, the way it forces you to change your mind about characters.
4. The Departed - I know, I know. It's good. But there are several sections that drag and the Farmiga/DiCapprio relationship seems to lack something other than being a contrived plot device. Plus it was a relatively good year for movies.
3. The Queen
2. Thank You For Smoking
1. Borat
So here we go with my annual completely false predictions and dead-on should-have-beens. First a recap of my reviews of the movies I wished I'd seen last year:
The Whale & The Squid - Overly overtly intellectual, tedious
Wallace&Gromit - What's with the stark sexual innuendos littered all over the last 15 minutes?
Grizzly Man - Cool bear footage. Solid film.
Corpse Bride - Eh.
Three Burials of Melky Estrada - Abominable preachy social issues film.
On to the predictions:
We'll be using my technique of totally disregarding the talent involved. Since I've not seen all the movies, I will nonetheless be issuing weighty pronouncements on which movies and performances are the best.
I'll then follow with my top 10 for the year and other awards including biggest snubs and most ridiculous nomination of the year. Stay tuned for my review of my embarrassingly bad predictions.
* Means Will Win
! Means Should Win (Of those nominated)
& Means Did Not See
BEST PICTURE
*& The Social Issues Ensemble Movie, aptly described by a friend as a globo-faux intellectual's wet dream. (Babel)
Semi-Annual Scorcese entry (The Departed)
&Annual Eastwood entry (Letters from Iwo)
Indy Social Issues Pic (Little Miss Sunshine)
! The Queen
The Departed winning wouldn't be a bad thing, but I figure Scorcese's going to get the award for director and the movie itself isn't that meaty, just entertaining. Eastwood wins too often; if he wins this time, they may rename the award after him and just start giving it to him every year, even if he doesn't make a movie. Given the rate at which he's churning movies out, he could be competing just against himself: "And now, the winner of best Clint Eastwood film..." That leaves the indy pic, which really isn't that good except for the last scene, and which suffers from being a comedy, even if it tries to play depression and failure for laughs. And finally The Queen, which happens to be a fantastic, taught, well-acted, well-written movie as lacking in political snobbery as it is chock full of depth. In short, it has no chance.
BIGGEST SNUBS: Since I realize my top 10 below has a lot of action and comedy, I will just include films that might actually fall under potential Oscar winning genres - United 93, The Prestige, Thank You For Smoking.
BEST ACTOR:
&!-Leonardo DiCaprio plays a funny accent social issues vagabond.
&-Ryan Gosling plays a crusading teacher and a drug addict
&-Peter O'Toole plays a retiring legend trotting out for a victory lap.
-Will Smith plays a man who wants to make a lot of money and who never plays the race card.
&-Forrest Whitaker plays the lovable last King of Scotland (A black king? Why not, it worked in Blazing Saddles.)
Leo apparently pissed on Speilberg while he was visiting Aushwitz or something and will never win anything ever. He also comes across as a weiner but hey, he's supposed to be good in this. I simply can't take Forrest Whitaker seriously. One of those hospital shows breathlessly introduced him as "one of the most respected actors of his generation," and I thought, "By whom? His mother? When did this take place." Was there some subtext to Panic Room I wasn't picking up on? Ryan Gosling is a nobody but really comes up big mixing 2 Oscar favorites - inspiring teacher AND drug addict. If Johnny Depp had taken this role he'd already have a speech ready. Peter O'Toole shouldn't win because I don't want him to die navigating the stairs. And Will Smith has no shot in hell. As he's sitting dejected in his little picture-in-picture screen, he'll be thinking, "I should have played the race card."
SNUBS: Aaron Eckhardt (TYFS), Christian Bale (Prestige), Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat), Several Individuals from The Departed who were apparently forgotten because no one could tell who was a lead and who was supporting except for Mark Wahlberg, and Daniel Craig (Casino Royale). In fact I would replace the entire nomination list. Eckhardt was brilliant, Bale is always brilliant and additionally really showed up Hugh Jackman, who is pretty darn good, Cohen freaking lived this ridiculous character but is hurt by the fact that he'd already created it, The Departed speaks for itself, Nicholson, Damon, Leo all deserved a nod, and Craig stepped to the Bond plate and knocked the role out of the park. Oh, and Keanu for A Scanner Darkly. Just kidding. He goes through the whole movie with that "Whoa" look on his face, just begging to drop it in.
Actress:
&Penelope Cruz is pretty (Volver)
&Dame Judi Dench annual nomination (Notes on a Scandal)
*!Helen Mirren plays The Queen
Meryl Streep annual nomination (Devil Wears Prada)
&Kate Winslet semi-annual indy pic nomination (Little Children)
I rarely care about this award because usually the roles are so weak. For purely aesthetic reasons, Penelope can win all the awards she wants, but she does do shampoo commercials. That's a real sticking point because so do Andie MacDowell and Lark Voories. Streep was very good in an otherwise dull movie. She and Dench deserve their annual re-up more than Eastwood does. Interestingly, the only non-star nominated is the one who should absolutely win. Here's hoping Ms. Mirren starts taking some of Dame Dench's roles so she can pace herself a bit. I can't get enough classy English ladies in my movies. I wonder if Ms. Mirren will be "damed" by the queen she played.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Alan Arkin has about 6 lines of dialogue (Little Miss Sunshine)
& Jackie Earl Haley is a complete unknown and may not have been informed yet of his nomination (Little Children)
&Djimon Hounsou is an aggrieved African (Blood Diamond - ever notice that this guy plays every African regardless of nationality. Africa has more genetic diversity than the rest of the world, from 7-foot Masais to pygmies but apparently everyone from Cote D'Voire to Lesotho looks exactly the same)
&!* Eddie Murphy is in a musical
Mark Wahlberg is here because he's the only actor in The Departed who couldn't possibly be considered a lead.
I'm sorry but Oscars just don't go to Mark Wahlberg. See Dillon, Matt 2006. Alan Arkin's character was well written, had little screen time, and honestly could have been better played by any number of old-timers, including several of my old neighbors. He's the most forgettable part of that cast. Eddie Murphy is the big name, has the race card in his pocket, and jumped out of comedy to do a musical. He even sang. He gets the spirit award.
SNUBS: Bill Nighy for Davey Jones in Pirates 2. That's an impressive creation. John C. Reilly for The Magic Man in The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - extra points for the ad libbing. Al Gore's political ambitions in An Inconvenient Truth - it was like a recurring cameo that made no sense with the rest of the movie. And boy was it a stretch.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
&Adriana Barraza is an aggrieved Mexican babysitter
&Cate Blanchett is a star playing a smaller role in an indy pic
!Abigail Breslin is the ubiquitous Jerry Maguire Kid, extra points for hysterical strip tease
*&Jennifer Hudson plays herself
&Rinko Kikuchi has no lines of dialogue (I think) but is likely an aggrieved Japanese mute.
I wonder what Simon Cowell thinks of Hudson's performance.
SNUBS: Eva Green as a great Bond dame, Vera Farmiga pulling off a poorly written character in The Departed, Mia Kirschner as Elizabeth Short in the atrocious The Black Dahlia.
Director
Basically Scorcese is going to win so there's no point in even looking at this category. His peers Speilberg, Coppola, and George Lucas (zuh?) have been selected as the presenters, which probably means that they're not giving the award to Paul Greengrass. I'd guess Eastwood would replace Lucas if he weren't bound by contractual obligations to be nominated for this category. Speilberg was nice enough not to force any schlock on us this year, perhaps in deference to Marty's chances. Coppola's an obvious choice since he's responsible for the 2 best movies ever. George Lucas was also chosen for his venerable career dedicated to the art of cinema. I couldn't write that line without a chuckle. Anyways, 3 makes it more important than 2, but who else is there? James Cameron was unavailable because he just stumbled on Jesus's tomb. I can picture him climbing a top it and yelling, "I'm the king of the world." And Kenneth Turan has already panned his discovery in several articles I'm sure.
Foreign Language Film
Pan's Labyrinth was way overhyped. The saddest thing is that it's so obvious while watching how the movie could have been made into something with depth (make the father/officer sympathetic) but oh well. And what's w/ Canada having a nomination? They don't talk that funny. Leo's Blood Diamond accent is more foreign than aboot.
Adapted Screenplay
What is Borat doing here? The movie was not an adaptation, nor did it have a screenplay.
Original Screenplay
This is probably where Sunshine gets its award but the Queen writer deserves it more.
Animated Feature
I'm so passionate about this category, I can't even comment.
Art Direction - Pirates 2 was such an aesthetic marvel that it'd be a crime if it didn't win. That said, I love the look that was cultivated in the Prestige. Naturally neither will win.
Cinematography - I actually say Children of Men on this one. The continuous shot sequences were astounding pieces of work. If only they'd told me why they weren't having babies.
Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, Film Editing - Why are these categories not handled during the technical awards show the previous day? Anyways, I hope Apocalypto wins, opening the door for the breathless pause before the acceptance speeches, hoping for some reference to Mel. The anti-semitism is the easy route...I'm hoping for an "angel tits" reference.
Original Score - Pirates had a great one. A general plea - musical scores are some of the best music being created. That's how bad pop music is. I'd blame Cold Play, but they just took the whinier Radiohead and made it less avante guard.
Original Song - Ugh.
Costume - How can Devil Wears Prada not win? Wouldn't that be a total indictment of the film, if a movie about defining high fashion can't even have the best costumes?
Documentary Feature - I think the category title is unfair. Documentaries are now propaganda films. That's not necessarily a bad thing, propaganda is a form of art. But why keep pretending?
Makeup - Obviously a real shot for Apocalypto here. My question is that there are 3 nominations here, and one of them is Click. Click? The Adam Sandler remote control movie? I didn't see this movie. Does anyone know how this happened? Was it a prank write-in campaign?
Visual Effects - Again, Pirates 2 is a lock. Nothing else should have been nominated.
THIS YEAR'S SNUBS:
OVERHYPED BLOCKBUSTER DIVISION: In a tight race with Dreamgirls' Best Pic snub, I give it to Flags of Our Fathers. Oh it stank and Letters to Iwo gave them an out, but nonetheless, any loss for Eastwood is an upset.
SPIELBERG DIVISION: The New World. Terrence Malick's rambling nature films with some sort of plot going on in the foreground, occasionally spliced with empty voice over usually are golden for a nod. What happened? Colin Farrel?
SEQUEL DIVISION: Sly Stallone for anything in Rocky Balboa. The guy was trying to say good bye. Not even an Oscar nod for lifetime soundtrack achievement. Now he's going to make the nightmare real and do Shakespeare. I can sense it. Hey, if Keanu can not only do Shakespeare but also Philip K. Dick, Stallone can do anything. I personally am rooting for boxing announcer.
SOCIAL ISSUES DIVISION: Children of Men - you have to make the commentary more explicit if you're hoping to illicit a nomination. And tell us why they're not having babies.
ANTI-ANTI SEMITISM DIVISION: Mel Gibson. If a guy can't curse out the Jews and then call the arresting officer "angel tits" and still get his bizarre dead language film nominated then the terrorists have won.
MOST RIDICULOUS NOMINATION: Click for anything.
TOP TEN FILMS:
Honorable Mention: Dave Chappelle's Block Party - Even though the movie's not good, the concert got rained on, and Eric Badou's afro-wig came off, totally erasing her street cred, the man got the Fugees back together. Damn Lauryn Hill is good.
10. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - this film basically pisses excellence.
9. Inside Man
8. Pirates 2 - A very underrated film. I think it's because no one else knows how to play Liar's Dice.
7. Casino Royale - This was the best Bond movie I've seen.
6. United 93 - Get over the $ thing. Nobody called Michael Moore a war profiteer but he's far more guilty and doesn't have the decency to give 10% of the gate to the folks whose tragedy he's making $ off of.
5. The Prestige - Dark, original, complex. It reminds me of good Hitchcock with all of the tone shifts, the way it forces you to change your mind about characters.
4. The Departed - I know, I know. It's good. But there are several sections that drag and the Farmiga/DiCapprio relationship seems to lack something other than being a contrived plot device. Plus it was a relatively good year for movies.
3. The Queen
2. Thank You For Smoking
1. Borat
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The All-Star game is in Las Vegas this year. For those of you who don't follow the Kings closely, this is part of a multi-year effort by the NBA to shop the team with the most loyal fan base in the league to a mob town of alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, frat boys, prostitutes, and tourists. Hey, it's good business practice to tell your best customers that you'd rather throw away the last shreds of integrity that a sport has by maxing out the credit cards of America's least responsible spenders.
I'm just wondering, where's Sacramento's All-Star game? You know, like maybe the towns that actually have a team should get a crack at a game. Why not have them all in Las Vegas...better than deciding that every NBA town gets one except us. Charlotte got an all-star game...a year after they got their second financially failing team. You're telling me Charlotte has more hotel space, more claim to host an All-Star game than the state capital of California? You'd rather host a game in the murder capital, Detroit?
I'd be OK if it were in Vegas every year. Barkley could hold an annual trundle. Jordan would probably come play just to gamble. But instead, every other city in the league gets one except us...so now cities without teams start to get one. This is just part of an organized campaign to dump on Kings' fans.
I'm what you might call a Kings dead ender. I remember the 4 first round draft picks we had in one year...all of them busts. Joe Klein instead of Karl Malone. "Never Present" Pervis Ellison 1st overall. I called Grant Napear's show. I thought Gary St. Jean would be the answer. Wayman Tisdale was my favorite player. I witnessed Walt Williams airball a fast break dunk. I had a Bobby Hurley shirt...I wore it to games even after the car accident where Mike "The Other Guy in the Poster" Peplowski saved him...you know, the Bobby Hurley who couldn't break a full court press put on by Crazy George and Slamson, the human bakery Bobby Hurley that served up turnovers at a rate that would have made White Chocolate air-machine gun a line of fans in envy.
For a decade plus, the Kings sold out games without a single winning season. Then they got good and we were the loudest crowd in league history, an environment so intimidating, opposing coaches complained to the referees. We brought cow bells. Bobby Jackson got kisses on the head during games.
One would have thought, "Hey, that's a town that loves basketball. Heck, their minor league baseball team occasionally outdraws the major league team 2 hours away. That's a customer you want to keep." But you'd be of the mindset that wants people to watch basketball games and believe in the outcome...the sort of person that would take a few less dollars to have playoff games on network television rather than, say, the Outdoor Life Network.
You see, Commissioner Sternleone and his hatchet man Big City Knick Bavetta should have tipped us off when they decided to fix Game 6 of the Western Conference championships and thereby rob the city of its only legitimate championship. We're left to point despairingly at WNBA titles, World League football titles for the Sacramento Surge and washed-up QB David Archer.
Now the league is saying we can't have an all-star game, or even our team, if we don't pony up the dough for a 3rd arena in 25 years. I guess the image the league is going for is an aging chubby Mike Bibby squandering his fortune in the Maloof's hotel-casino.
In summary, if the team is stolen from us, Sternleone's contribution to Sacramento will have been 2 husky arenas out in the flood plain near the airport, a stolen championship, some ugly uniforms, and a legacy of hatred that could spawn kamikaze units. The Maloofs have been good to Sacramento, they might be able to sneak out of town under assumed identities until they got back to their mafioso liquor-running friends. But Stern...the man would need a Pope-mobile to drive past the capital.
I'm just wondering, where's Sacramento's All-Star game? You know, like maybe the towns that actually have a team should get a crack at a game. Why not have them all in Las Vegas...better than deciding that every NBA town gets one except us. Charlotte got an all-star game...a year after they got their second financially failing team. You're telling me Charlotte has more hotel space, more claim to host an All-Star game than the state capital of California? You'd rather host a game in the murder capital, Detroit?
I'd be OK if it were in Vegas every year. Barkley could hold an annual trundle. Jordan would probably come play just to gamble. But instead, every other city in the league gets one except us...so now cities without teams start to get one. This is just part of an organized campaign to dump on Kings' fans.
I'm what you might call a Kings dead ender. I remember the 4 first round draft picks we had in one year...all of them busts. Joe Klein instead of Karl Malone. "Never Present" Pervis Ellison 1st overall. I called Grant Napear's show. I thought Gary St. Jean would be the answer. Wayman Tisdale was my favorite player. I witnessed Walt Williams airball a fast break dunk. I had a Bobby Hurley shirt...I wore it to games even after the car accident where Mike "The Other Guy in the Poster" Peplowski saved him...you know, the Bobby Hurley who couldn't break a full court press put on by Crazy George and Slamson, the human bakery Bobby Hurley that served up turnovers at a rate that would have made White Chocolate air-machine gun a line of fans in envy.
For a decade plus, the Kings sold out games without a single winning season. Then they got good and we were the loudest crowd in league history, an environment so intimidating, opposing coaches complained to the referees. We brought cow bells. Bobby Jackson got kisses on the head during games.
One would have thought, "Hey, that's a town that loves basketball. Heck, their minor league baseball team occasionally outdraws the major league team 2 hours away. That's a customer you want to keep." But you'd be of the mindset that wants people to watch basketball games and believe in the outcome...the sort of person that would take a few less dollars to have playoff games on network television rather than, say, the Outdoor Life Network.
You see, Commissioner Sternleone and his hatchet man Big City Knick Bavetta should have tipped us off when they decided to fix Game 6 of the Western Conference championships and thereby rob the city of its only legitimate championship. We're left to point despairingly at WNBA titles, World League football titles for the Sacramento Surge and washed-up QB David Archer.
Now the league is saying we can't have an all-star game, or even our team, if we don't pony up the dough for a 3rd arena in 25 years. I guess the image the league is going for is an aging chubby Mike Bibby squandering his fortune in the Maloof's hotel-casino.
In summary, if the team is stolen from us, Sternleone's contribution to Sacramento will have been 2 husky arenas out in the flood plain near the airport, a stolen championship, some ugly uniforms, and a legacy of hatred that could spawn kamikaze units. The Maloofs have been good to Sacramento, they might be able to sneak out of town under assumed identities until they got back to their mafioso liquor-running friends. But Stern...the man would need a Pope-mobile to drive past the capital.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Dietary Changes
So I decided to eat less, eat less fat, and eat more fiber for no particular reason. A few strange things happen besides the obvious (namely always being hungrier).
1) Taking a dump is a lot more of a workout. Before all that junk would race right through me. Now it feels like I'm voiding a boa constrictor.
2) I'm less excited to eat. I think this is the key to 'healthy' foods leading to weight loss. When you think about eating, you think, "well, I'm not missing much anyways.'
3) Good food starts tasting bad. I put some sprite in my mouth, it tasted nasty. What gives? Is there no going back to the days of yore when food tasted good?
4) All that stuff about more energy, feeling lighter, etc. Especially when I'm done taking a dump.
So I decided to eat less, eat less fat, and eat more fiber for no particular reason. A few strange things happen besides the obvious (namely always being hungrier).
1) Taking a dump is a lot more of a workout. Before all that junk would race right through me. Now it feels like I'm voiding a boa constrictor.
2) I'm less excited to eat. I think this is the key to 'healthy' foods leading to weight loss. When you think about eating, you think, "well, I'm not missing much anyways.'
3) Good food starts tasting bad. I put some sprite in my mouth, it tasted nasty. What gives? Is there no going back to the days of yore when food tasted good?
4) All that stuff about more energy, feeling lighter, etc. Especially when I'm done taking a dump.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Travesty: The Wasted Career of Alicia Keyes
It is said that the Strativarius violin is an irreplicable instrument. It isn't the craftsmanship that makes it superior, it is the nature of the wood from that era. A unique combination of the age of the trees and the nature of the climate produced a particular sound well suited to the violin that is unlikely to be replicated.
Something similar took place in music in the first half and a little beyond of this century with black women's voices. The lack of video and the invention of the phonograph allowed the voice to take center-stage. The music was jazz and blues, and the combination of new black ambition and mobility combined with the ache of the Depression-era, war-era, and segregation-era childhood stilled weighed heavy in the voices of the greats, Nina Simone, Billie Holliday, Ella Fitzgerald, Odetta. It is a timber of true suffering perfectly matched to the music of the age from a larger framed female that created a musical style that today's singers cannot match.
Certainly Aretha Franklin, and later Whitney Houston have beautiful voices and not without sorrow. But it is not the same sorrow as that of the women above. It is a domesticized sorrow, tamed, and far more so in Whitney, commercialized. The same holds true today for Beonce and any number of talented singers. Lauryn Hill best epitomized what has become of black women and their suffering - it is a spiritual sorrow, not a material one. It is about religion in a secular age, about the loss of that true suffering, the hollowness of comfort. And it's also about a bit on anachronistic racism that doesn't speak to this generation. And hence, she's disappeared, to trying to be real to be commercialized, a deliberate anachronism to an audience quick to move to the next thing.
And then there's Alicia Keyes. Alicia Keyes is not a Strativarius. Alicia Keyes is a new instrument. That's how talented she is. Nobody knows how to play it, let alone include it into the music being put out. When you see her live, say on a music Awards show, you let her do her own thing w/ the other stars and everyone's mouth drops as soon as she opens hers. She puts everyone else to shame. She hits Mariah's notes with ease and flourish.
And yet her albums are fairly lame. She has a few great songs that she wrote for herself, but they are generally very simple melody-wise. Her production values, backbeats, everything is off. Does she get stuck w/ lousy producers because she's so good herself? Everything she does is better in its live version. That is generally pretty telling that the pros aren't doing their jobs.
Can we please fix this? You never know when a person's voice will change, when celebrity or alcohol or health will give way and snatch that talent away.
Can we please stop wasting this woman's career? Is she doing it to herself?
It is said that the Strativarius violin is an irreplicable instrument. It isn't the craftsmanship that makes it superior, it is the nature of the wood from that era. A unique combination of the age of the trees and the nature of the climate produced a particular sound well suited to the violin that is unlikely to be replicated.
Something similar took place in music in the first half and a little beyond of this century with black women's voices. The lack of video and the invention of the phonograph allowed the voice to take center-stage. The music was jazz and blues, and the combination of new black ambition and mobility combined with the ache of the Depression-era, war-era, and segregation-era childhood stilled weighed heavy in the voices of the greats, Nina Simone, Billie Holliday, Ella Fitzgerald, Odetta. It is a timber of true suffering perfectly matched to the music of the age from a larger framed female that created a musical style that today's singers cannot match.
Certainly Aretha Franklin, and later Whitney Houston have beautiful voices and not without sorrow. But it is not the same sorrow as that of the women above. It is a domesticized sorrow, tamed, and far more so in Whitney, commercialized. The same holds true today for Beonce and any number of talented singers. Lauryn Hill best epitomized what has become of black women and their suffering - it is a spiritual sorrow, not a material one. It is about religion in a secular age, about the loss of that true suffering, the hollowness of comfort. And it's also about a bit on anachronistic racism that doesn't speak to this generation. And hence, she's disappeared, to trying to be real to be commercialized, a deliberate anachronism to an audience quick to move to the next thing.
And then there's Alicia Keyes. Alicia Keyes is not a Strativarius. Alicia Keyes is a new instrument. That's how talented she is. Nobody knows how to play it, let alone include it into the music being put out. When you see her live, say on a music Awards show, you let her do her own thing w/ the other stars and everyone's mouth drops as soon as she opens hers. She puts everyone else to shame. She hits Mariah's notes with ease and flourish.
And yet her albums are fairly lame. She has a few great songs that she wrote for herself, but they are generally very simple melody-wise. Her production values, backbeats, everything is off. Does she get stuck w/ lousy producers because she's so good herself? Everything she does is better in its live version. That is generally pretty telling that the pros aren't doing their jobs.
Can we please fix this? You never know when a person's voice will change, when celebrity or alcohol or health will give way and snatch that talent away.
Can we please stop wasting this woman's career? Is she doing it to herself?
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