The
Zombie Strippers Award for Great Low-Budget Release Title Probably Better Left
to the Imagination
- Free the Nipple – Reject the tyranny of shirts, bras, and that milksop, the pasty
- God’s Pocket – Little known fact - original name for hotpockets. “New Testament God-pocket: Now with less sulfur! Gawwwwwd-pocket!”
- Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas – In the sequel, perhaps he can save his career?
- Knights of Badassdom – “My badassdom for a horse!”
- Southern Baptist Sissies – The Baltimore Convention Center once booked the Southern Baptist convention the same week as Comicon and an LGBT event. I like to think this movie re-enacts the bar scene afterward.
WINNER: Knights
of Badassdom
“He’s
Just Not That Into You Award” for Special Achievement in Gratuitously Borrowing
a Title from Slightly Stale Pop Culture Phrases:
That Awkward
Moment.
Most Pompous
Title
- A Fantastic Fear of Everything – Perfect pomposity right down to the indefinite article
- Le Week-End – Special points for the French definite article and unnecessary dash
- The Past is a Grotesque Animal – The present we’ll keep in the yard when company comes over. The future just needs some grooming.
- The Strange Color of Your Body’s Tears – It’s just the hot yoga. I start to sweat bile.
- You’re Not You – Hmmmmm…I disagree?
- Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me – You be you…oh, right, you’re not you. You’re Glen Campbell.
WINNER: The
Past is a Grotesque Animal.
Summer in
February, Cold in July, and May in the Summer are all distinct movies united in
the same indistinct titling. Individually, none of these dares to dream of “Most
Pompous.” May in the Summer tries the hardest, dangling on the Mayan edge of
calendarial correctness. Honorable
mention must also be made to “November Man,” which, though churlishly foregoing
the obvious title: November, if by Spring, made the curious decision of going
wide-release in August. And also of casting Pierce Brosnan as a spy as if to
remind everyone, “Remember when Bond got so shitty we thought it was done?
Let’s do that again.”
- 7 Boxes – At my business school residency, we were told we were taking a field-trip to a candy-making factory. When we arrived, it was a box factory in which candy was to be placed. This was also the plot of a Simpsons episode about 4th grade field trip disappointment, which is surprisingly similar for working professionals. In our case, it ended with a lot of embarrassingly happy grown-ups discovering a bag of candy waited for them at the end of the tour. The point is, boxes are not interesting.
- Boy Meets Girl – It’s a classic boy meets girl…boy…no, nothing else happens from there?
- The Butterfly Room – The Butterfly Room is the Champagne Room of zoos. You think you want to go in the butterfly room. Butterflies of all colors are going to Technicolor dreamcoat you and fill your heart with childish whimsy. Then you enter the Butterfly room and it’s just a bunch of moths, cruising slowly in their devastatingly beautiful patterns and…nevermind, the Butterfly room is awesome.
- Empty Hours – This was the working title for The Hunger Games 3A
- A Field in England – Part of Ken Burns’ 8-part series on the great fields of northern Europe
- In No Great Hurry – Good, in that case, I’ve got some Empty Hours to fill
- Listen Up Philip – I will let him know if I ever meet a Philip.
- What Now? Remind Me – I think you’re confused. You’re the one telling the story.
WINNER: In No Great Hurry
The Bone
Collector Award for Best Inadvertent Porn Title in a Wide-Release Feature Film
- As Above / So Below
- Big Hero 6
- The Nut Job
- When the Game Stands Tall
- Winter's Tale
WINNER: When
the Game Stands Tall
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