The No-Gimmick 2010-11 Oscars Review: Day 1

Kicking off my annual oscars review.

MOST IMPLAUSIBLE CONCEPT OR INADVERTENTLY RIDICULOUS MOMENT:
- Brooklyn’s Finest: Richard Gere is a tough Brooklyn cop. That hamster story chases you in every role.
- Just Wright – An NBA player goes for something other than looks.
- Legion – Paul Bettany is an action super hero.
- Valentine’s Day – Jessica Biel has trouble finding a date on Valentine’s Day. I’m sure America’s unwillingly single women are sympathetic.
- Wolfman – Benecio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins, prepping for their final werewolf battle, realize that the audience won’t be able to tell which one is which, so they go shirts and skins.
WINNER: Valentine's Day. Memo to Hollywood casting departments: Jessica Biel is hot.

BEST GRATUITOUS CASH-IN ON 3D PHENOMENON:
- Jack Ass 3D

TROY MCCLURE AWARD FOR ANONYMOUS UBIQUITY: Josh Duhamel.

“Hi kids, you might remember me from such 2010 Romantic Comedies as ‘The Romantics,’ ‘When in Rome,’ and ‘Life As We Know It,’ as well as my supporting romcom side-plot role in ‘Ramona and Beezus.’ As a result, I was paid millions of dollars to make out with Ginnifer Goodwin, Kristen Bell, Katie Holmes, Anna Paquin, and Katherine Heigl, at the mere cost of my soul and an increased risk of mononucleosis.”

This man has no conscience. But he would make a great star on TV’s The Batchelor.

On the topic, the following is the year in concept Romantic Comedy. Since I can’t be bothered to watch any of these movies for target-audience related reasons, I have provided a brief synopsis of what happens based on sitting through previews and/or looking at movie posters:

2010: THE YEAR IN CONCEPT ROMCOM:
The Back-Up Plan – Boy meets girl. Girl is pregnant already without knowing it. Existential crisis. Draw little arrow thingies on movie poster to demonstrate twist on normal love story. Hijinx hijinx hijinx. They fall in love and live happily ever after.

The Bounty Hunter – Boy is bounty-hunter. Ex-girlfriend breaks law and he is assigned to snare her. Hijinx, alternative music ensue. They re-fall in love and live happily ever after.

Charlie St. Cloud – Boy meets girl. Boy killed brother. Somehow this conflicts with the girl, who is in existential crisi. Boy falls in love and saves girl from dying like brother. They live happily ever after with dead brother and alternative music. Tagline: “Life is for Living”. No kidding.

Eat Pray Love – Woman is bitterly unhappy in marriage, cue existential crisis. Divorces boy. Travels the world to find herself. Hijinx ensue. Meets other boys, rinse and repeat.

How Do You Know – Girl is with guy, causing existential crisis for no apparent reason…old flame rolls in…cue alternative music - that's how you know.

Just Wright – Queen Latifa convinces an NBA player that there’s more to woman than what’s on the outside. It’s a healthy dose of sarcasm that counts.

Leap Year – Girl wants to marry commitment-lite boy. Obscure European tradition related to love holds solution. Somehow she ends up chasing her corporate boy in rural Ireland, meets charming local. Existential crisis ensues.

Letters to Juliet – Girl uncovers obscure European tradition involving love letters. Decides to ditch vacation and resolve love story revealed in stolen mail, meeting boy, alternative music in process. Happily Ever After ensues.

Love & Other Drugs – Evil drug salesman boy meets untamed patient girl. They fall in love and learn life lessons. There may or may not be alternative music.

When in Rome – Girl in existential crisis discovers obscure European tradition related to love. Meets boys. They all fall in love with her. Cue alternative music, hijinx.

THE NICHOLAS CAGE AWARD FOR BIGGEST SELLOUT:
- Nicholas Cage – Sorcerer’s Apprentice – The award isn’t named after him because he DOESN’T do at least one of these paycheck films per year.
- Jackie Chan – The Spy Next Door – I appreciate how hard it is to find roles in your non-native language. I do not appreciate Jackie Chan starring in The Spy Next Door.
- Brendan Fraser - Furry Vengeance – Fraser has yet to be type-cast and, with success in several genres, is a darkhorse bet for a late career Tom Hanks run of well-regarded dramas. However, Furry Vengeance ups the odds that he is simply nearing a premature end.
- Dwayne The Rock Johnson – The Tooth Fairy – You were supposed to be the chosen one! Arnold’s successor. Why?
- Owen Wilson – Marmaduke – I find Wilson hard to criticize between the suicide attempt and the general likeability. Instead, I will merely point out that, to my knowledge, this is the only non-Garfield comic strip to make the jump into low-rent family comedy film. Thank God Bill Waterson has kept Calvin & Hobbes pristine.
WINNER: The Rock.

2010’s BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES:
- 8: The Mormon Proposition
- Country Strong
- Winter’s Bone
- Despicable Me
- How to Train Your Dragon
- I’m Still Here
- You Again
- Faster
- Alice in Wonderland
- 127 Hours
WINNER: All of us.

MOVIES I AM LEAST LIKELY TO EVER SEE:
- Burlesque – Wasn’t one Showgirls enough?
- For Colored Girls – It’s not called, “For Colored Girls and Justin”
- Greenberg – Do we really need another neurotic Jewish guy existential crisis movie? Didn’t Woody Allen have this covered?
- Gulliver’s Travels – Will Jack Black ever be funny again? I’m starting to wonder whether he was ever funny in the first place.
- Sex & The City 2 – That target audience thing again.