Annual 2009 Oscars Preview

Best Picture
NOMINEES:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I.E. Forrest Gump Meets Joe Black. Incidentally, if you find yourself in a fairly serious Brad Pitt movie, watch out while crossing the street. Someone is getting hit by a car.
- Frost/Nixon. I.E. We're supposed to hate Richard Nixon but he's kind of fascinating. He's like the A-Rod of US presidents.
- Milk. I.E. Obligatory LGBT nomination.
- The Reader. I.E. Obligatory Nazi/Holocaust nomination
- Slumdog Millionaire. I.E. Indian Rudy Rom-Com
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
SHOULD WIN: The Dark Knight.
BIGGEST SNUBS: The Dark Knight, Doubt, Mongol, Wall-E, Gran Torino
COMMENT: This may be the first year where you could have 5 other movies and probably have a stronger bunch. This borders on making the Oscars irrelevant. At least The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about something (death and aging). Honestly - The Reader? Woof.

BEST ACTOR:
- Richard Jenkins is not Leonardo DiCaprio and the Academy really wants it clear they don't like him so they nominated this whodat from a movie no one saw.
- Frank Langella is a likeable Richard Nixon.
- Sean Penn is gay.
- Brad Pitt is a guy who ages backwards. Hard to tell - best actor or best makeup?
- Mickey Rourke is the Ultimate Warrior version of himself.
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke. Sean Penn already has one.
SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella - Is there some reason this guy had no work between being the bad guy in Dave and a more sympathetic version of the same thing in Frost / Nixon?
BIGGEST SNUBS: Clint Eastwood, the dude who played Genghis Khan, Leonardo

BEST ACTRESS:
- Anne Hathway is the obligatory ‘hottie plays damaged drug addict’ nomination
- Angelina Jolie is an angry mom with adoption issues (this is acting) but more literally - lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress” nomination
- Melissa Leo is in a movie no one saw but that was effectively marketed for nominations.
- Meryl Streep demands that all mortals cower before her (and forget Mamma Mia!) She's headed for Daniel Day Lewis "We should name this award after her" territory.
- Kate Winslet is nominated so that it is absolutely clear the we don't like Leo.
WILL WIN: Kate Winslet
SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep
BIGGEST SNUB: Megan Fox for whatever she was in this year. If all you're going to do is nominate hotties, the only reason I see not nominating Ms. Fox is this unfortunate Brian Austin Green episode. Honestly, I'd respect her more if it was Ian Zehring. Or the guy who played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
COMMENT: Given this plus the nominees for best supporting actress, the lecherous old man factor really weighed heavily on this year's voting.

SUPPORTING ACTOR:
- Josh Brolin plays W. killing a gay guy
- Robert Downey Jr. plays Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a black guy for laughs.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in a film of his own this year.
- Heath Ledger plays a terrifying, unforgettable Joker in what was by far the best film this year.
- Michael Shannon plays a guy in a Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar-vehicle movie, just so it's clear that no one likes Leo.
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger.
SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger. When I first found out he was going to play Joker, I balked. He hadn't impressed me thus far. I was wrong. RIP. Here's hoping whoever gets tabbed for the third film can match - these movies are only as good as their bad guy.
SNUBS: Russell Brand for owning Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading
COMMENT: What did Leo do? Deny the Holocaust? Vote Republican? Somebody sign him up for a UN ambassadorship, stat!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
- Amy Adams plays Amy Adams in a nun's outfit. You may not have noticed but she actually leaves for about half the film.
- Penelope Cruz made out with Scarlett Johanssen and lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress...and makes out with Scarlett Johanssen
- Viola Davis is a troubled black woman in an impossible situation.
- Taraji Henson is a sassy black woman in a pleasant, passably intellectual film
- Marissa Tomei plays herself if she hadn't resuscitated her career after it inexplicably didn't happen...in her birthday suit
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Marissa Tomei, just for laughs. Too bad Jack Palance is dead.
SNUBS: The girl from Transporter 3. Hahahaha!
COMMENT: Funny story about me going to see The Wrestler - the first time Marissa Tomei gets naked (I assume it happens many times) someone pulled the fire alarm and I couldn't see the rest of the movie. I can't decide whether I like the 'someone overheated' theory or the 'someone was religious' theory. Or maybe it was a rogue Lex Luger fan outraged at the thought of him at a strip club.

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES:
1. The Reader
2. Milk
3. Richard Jenkins
4. Melissa Leo
5. Amy Adams
WINNER IS: The Reader. Inexcusable waste of our time.

TOP 10 INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
1. The Foot Fist Way
2. The Wackness
3. What Just Happened
4. Seven Pounds
5. Over Her Dead Body
6. Tropic Thunder
7. The Express / Pineapple Express
8. Nights in Rodanthe
9. Drillbit Taylor
10. Iron Man

Movies I Wish I'd Seen:
1. Pineapple Express / Zack and Miri Make a Porno / Role Models - Guys...slow down. This is like 5 of these things in one year.
2. Kung Fu Panda
3. Revolutionary Road
4. Yes Man
5. Man on Wire

Biggest Disappointments:
1. Quantum of Solace (see archives for lengthy disappointment)
2. The Forbidden Kingdom - I had the idea for a Jet Li / Jackie Chan 2-hour kung fu spectacular a long time ago. It would be the Heat of martial arts movies. Unfortunately, after the monkey king issue, the kung fu being boiled down to one stale 10 minute fight, and the rampant cribbing from better kung fu movies, this was instead the The Righteous Kill of martial arts movies.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm on to Spielberg. This we know. Don't think you can dodge me! That's the only reason this isn't #2. I knew it would be bad.
4. Burn After Reading - I think the Coen Bros. titled this movie appropriately. You're slacking. Don't make me put you on my Spielberg list!
5. Appaloosa - Western w/ Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen...this could be good. It's just not.
6. Tropic Thunder - Besides a few good moments and Robert Downey Jr., this movie is actually not funny.
7. You Don't Mess W/ The Zohan - This is a funny movie but more just ridiculous. I'm beginning to worry that Sandler's too lazy to ever deliver again.

SURPRISINGLY WATCHABLE FILMS
1. Anything with Jason Statham in it. The guy brings his A-game every time. The Bank Job is fun. Transporter 3 is almost self-consciously silly. The actress is so bad you'd think she was trying and characters audibly point out plot holes. So what? So they get killed by the bad guy for doing so. Touche.
2. The Incredible Hulk 2. It didn't totally suck. Also, good to see Tim Roth working.
3. Wanted. The hole 'weaver' thing was so lame that they had to kill everyone at the end so that it could never happen again. So the plot was sequel-bad but the stunts were awesome.
4. Leatherheads - Sue me, this was what I thought it would be. Rene Zellwegger seems to be trying to hit every decade. Am I wrong to think Jennifer Anniston should be getting more of her roles?

TOP 10 MOVIES REGARDLESS OF GENRE:
1. The Dark Knight
2. Mongol
3. Frost / Nixon
4. Iron Man
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Doubt
7. Gran Torino
8. Slumdog Millionaire
9. Wall-E
10. In Bruges
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hancock, Rock-n-Rolla, Wanted, Leatherheads, Semi-Pro, The Bank Job