Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks: Donnie Darko

Cult Classic? Neither.

Let's start with the positive. The bunny suit is cool. It's good to see Patrick Swayze get work. I feel bad for that generation that really suffered there for a while: Swayze, Travolta, Kurt Russell. Swayze's caught the worst of it.

I guess it's well thought out at least. And that leaf blower thing at the beginning is genius.

So, that's it. Let's get to the Cardinal Sins:

1) Preachy. The biggest problem with the film is that, rather than being about a messed up kid with paranoid schizophrenia the WHOLE time, it's only about that 1/2 the time. The other half is about how intolerant and impermissive schools are. That's why they ban a Graham Greene short story, because, you know, that's what schools do. Nevermind that the most banned book in America is Huck Finn, because in real life, schools ban books because they don't get satire.

The bigger problem is that the moral paragon teacher, the Robin Williams 'carpe diem' teacher, is Drew Barrymore. It's a little difficult to see Drew teaching Graham Greene, especially after her turn in documentary film making. For you see, Drew made a documentary film in which she went to DC to learn about politics and ends up blubbering in tears before the camera, "Why'd I choose politics? It's so confusing."

Worse, the supposedly 'gotcha' teenage moments aren't that good. Even Election was better in that respect. So was Napoleon Dynamite.

2) Political. The first line of the film is, "I'm voting for Dukakis." Throughout the movie, we get a very tired and hackneyed version of the ignorant Christian ruining the beautiful world of teenage despair, layered with an admittedly subtle if equally lame tip of the hat to Reagan being the ideological inspiration for all this. Which leads to the question, was this movie written recently, in which case it's merely boring, or did it take this long to get it onto film?

I think the lamest part is the self-help Christian, Swayze, turning out to have a kiddie porn dungeon. This is a lame take-off of the equally gag-worthy contrived hypocrisy of the neo-nazi gay guy in American Beauty.

Does this all ring true with people? Is this really what your life in high school was like? Are we really to revel in our neighbor's hypocrisies, as long as the neighbor's are ideological enemies? Is every one we know that deep of a hypocrite?

3) Psychosexual. It didn't have to be. But they just had to throw in the hypnosis scene where he starts feeling himself up because, you know, that's art. Honestly, it's true, sexual tension is a very teenage issue. But if you want to deal with that, there's better ways than a casual toss-in.

4) Too Long. Every movie that's more character study than plot is too long. I could have done with more of the girlfriend. I liked her. The love story should have been built up so that it meant more when she died.

5) Whiny Hero. Boy did he whine. Remind me again why we're supposed to feel sorry for bums like the main character?

To sum up what should have happened: good bunny, more love story should replace lame Drew Barrymore related preaching, leading to real main character drama about being pulled between this love affair with a damaged girl and the paranoid psychosis that leads to main character's delusions.

I'm like radio shack for scripts - you've got questions, I've got answers.