The True Rapper Review

Worst to first, suprises in store. Incomplete, I know, but guys like Dre and Wyclef float between mediocre and the top 5.

A word on criteria: A rapper must have: a hard name, flow, good lyrics, a backbeat the kids can dance to, storied street cred (a sum of criminality+bling+tats), and finally must be jacked. Bonuses for getting killed young. Like Biggie said, "You're nobody till somebody kills you."

WORST EVER:
1. Black Eyed Peas. Milky Cocoa Puffs.
2. Vanilla Ice. The first words out of this man's mouth were, "Stop." If only he'd collaborated and listened. He almost won out - didn't he lose to Screech on Celebrity Boxing?
3. P-Diddy. Listen, yes he gets credit for good backbeats and he did a decent job as a much better rapper's flunky. But the man is ubiquitous on MTV. He's on every show. His mom even showed up on MTV. He went on Oprah. I think Kobe snatched his street cred.

MEDIOCRITIES:
1. Coolio. The perfection of rap mediocrity: lame 90's era name, one hit wonder, truly unremarkable in every fashion.
2. Ja Rule. It's MURDAAAAAAAAAAH.
3. Jay-Z. Dubbed Lil' Orphan Annie. And that's one of his better songs.
4. DMX. Not as mediocre as those named above, but definitely approaching it. The Street Cred Golden Rule: As Soon As You Make A Movie, Your Best Days Are Behind You.
5. 50 Cent. Though an unremarkable rapper, two things should be noted: 1) The man is a hardcore criminal. 2) Seriously jacked. I mean Mark McGwire jacked.

A NOTE ON FOUNDING FATHERS: Yes RunDMC, Public Enemy, 2Live Crew, and even MC Hammer deserve their due as the trailblazers. But standards have changed - go back and listen to their albums, it's like watching those sci-fi movies with claymation dinosaurs. To demonstrate the point:

STAYED AROUND WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY TOO LONG:
1. Will Smith. It was a tough competition but ultimately I gave the nod to Will Smith for a few reasons: 1) Big Willy Style. 2) Everything after Big Willy Style. 3) Special Mention for Wild Wild West. What was that Golden Rule again? Can we get a Jazzy Jeff re-union album to salvage something from this debacle?
2. LL Cool J. There's another reason why I couldn't put Ladies Love Cool James at the top of this list despite the ridiculous 80's era name: the man hit the andro. Will Smith may work out, but LL must live in at Golds. He's challenging 50 Cent. Maybe he's got alzheimers and he walks out of the gym and forgets he just worked out.

CRITICALLY FLAWED BUT OTHERWISE WORTHWHILE RAPPERS:
1. Bone Thugs and Harmony. First and foremost, best name in the biz. They definitely carved a niche with a peculiar style even if they never got the backbeats to hit it big. The problem - no matter how difficult it may be to mimick their style, who would want to? I can't even evaluate their lyrics because I cannot make out a syllable. Destined to provide deadtime in the songs of better rappers.
2. Shaggy. As the most popular Jamaican rapper out there, even if he copied the style from much poorer men, Shaggy benefits from great production bells and whistles. But he cannot shake the street cred problem - he seems to have less punch than Glass Joe. Rappers don't even bother dogging him anymore because it's kind of like picking on Richard Nixon. This despite the fact that the man served in Desert Storm. Is that bizarre or what?
3. Kanye West. OVERRATED!!!!!! The Wayne Brady of Rap. First, let's give him his due - he's more creative than most rappers, he's a good producer and he puts that into his albums, and his lyrics are generally solid with a few rough patches. But he is the ultimate suburban white kid's rapper. The sweaters, the whining about working at the Gap, the jumping on the Brokeback Bandwagon: it's all designed to appeal to marginally intellectual white humanities students who aren't sure they ought to be in college. He even sounds like a white kid trying to be black - listen to his albums, he literally struggles for flow. Discomfort is not a rapping style. And that second album was a HUGE drop off.
4. BustaRhymes. There's a lot to like here, it's true. A lot skill, solid street cred. But...can we respect him when he looks exactly like the WWE's Booker T?

THE RAPPER WHO BEST EPITOMIZES WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A RAPPER.
1. Old Dirty Bastard. Not one of the greats, but the man had a good time. He had flow, he had lyrics, although I would question, "God made dirt and dirt bust your a--". In addition to a great name, let's consider the aliases: Big Baby Jesus, Joe Bananas, Dirt McGirt (Dr. Seuss Hat Tip!) and Freeloading Rusty. When you get down to the barebones, a charter WuTang member, a repeated felon, including the first to violate a California law barring the wearing of bullet-proof vests in public...I mean, the man called a female prosecutor, "A Sperm Donator!" Oh, and he escaped from drug rehab. His original name was even tough: Russell Tyrone Jones. To top it all off, Mariah Carey picked him up from jail. No, actually to top it all off, he died prematurally when a double bag of cocaine mixed with some painkillers in his stomach while working on his comeback album. Operatic indeed. In the words of a friend, "Least suprising premature rapper death in history." This man's life is the Rap Opera movie we're all waiting for.

TOP 5 OF THE MODERN ERA
(We'll count down from worst to first)
5. 2Pac Shakur. 2Pac is the perfect rapper - too perfect. Numerous tats, perhaps second only to Deion in starting bandana craze. Back beat, flow, lyrics all noteworthy. Posthumous production record demonstrates the man's commitment to the music. But there's something missing - a spark of genius. Maybe it was too much LA, a black hole for the world's talent, but 2Pac was too perfect to inspire. I think it was the stage training - he wasn't raw enough or real enough. I get the sense that he's indirectly responsible for most of my mediocrities list.
4. SnoopDog. The smooth style, the influence on our speech patterns, yes, Snoop has to be considered for rapper Valhalla. An extra big-ups for coaching peewee football. Still, a few things hold him back. That same, Sam Perkins permanently high look and style that defines him lacks something of the toughness that the ultimate rapper has to have. He's the marijuana rapper in a crack business - the gateway for edgier stuff. And that movie career - someone shout out that Golden Rule of Rap.
3. Eminem. Eminem comes with a strong resume - peculiar enough to stand out, occasionally brilliant, excellent flow, impressive lyrics, and a strong stable of aliases. Did we mention he's white? The problem has been the back half of his career. I don't care what the charts say, The Eminem Show was the last good album. I feel that Golden Rule claiming another victim - he's feeding of image and marketing at this point. Musically, Encore was garbage, a career killer if it weren't for payola. Here's hoping he bounces back, but the rap gods are jealous, old testament gods. They don't stand for this movie business.
2. Notorious B.I.G. After a long debate...I went with my heart. The common wisdom is that Biggie was the greatest. It's tough to argue. Straight to the top and deservedly so, his two main albums are a formidable catalogue. Hard core, died young, fatness makes up for lack of buffness. He was even a great freestyler. It's all here. He's the true rapper don. He's got more game than the African savannah. What's holding me back? #1 He seems to have starred posthumously in Snatch plus a puff British accent. Which means maybe the back half of his lost career wouldn't have been as bright. But mostly, it's due to my #1's genius.
1. Method Man. Yes, I know: How High, Soul Plane, Method and Red. It's coming to an end. It's already ended. It ended when he worked with Limp Bizkit. That was like Sammie Smith having the gall to line up behind Dan Marino. It'd be like having Louie Armstrong play with Letterman's losery band. So he sold out long ago. I don't care. You know what else? I don't care that he never got the backbeats that the bigger names on this list got. Method Man has the rawest, smoothest flow out there with the lyrics to match. He doesn't have to go hard either. MakeUps2BreakUps deserves more than a passing Wyclef reference. And Method even talks that way when he's not rapping. He's like some kind of rap sage, spitting phrases at will. The man's a genius. Weep at the pettiness of what we do with genius - another bad sitcom. I assure you the Rap Gods already have.