South Africa Journal: Day 1

I've been remiss in typing up my notes about my spectacular vacation in South Africa.

First of all, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, I did sing Hakuna Matata all over the country. I also did my best Homer Simpson to wryly comment, "Oh...Africa," as often as possible. Anyway, I plan to share the Hakuna Matata moments, Oh Africa moments, advice on attending a world cup, and insights from my lovely travel companion Justine on South Africa.

Without further ado...THURSDAY JUNE 10

I flew from DC to JFK...which is a 3rd world airport and a national embarrassment. Who runs this place? The empty duty free shops are open all day but only one food store is open with a line of almost everyone waiting for a flight? Fascinating business model. There's no info on where to pick up connecting flights and to get to the proper international terminal I have to walk through a side door located behind a temporary construction wall with no construction going on.

Then I flew to Johannesburg/Jozi/Joburg. On my flight, everyone was watching an episode of Lie to Me. I love this show's concept: Basically a good actor stares down C Listers and analyzes their bad acting. Magically this is woven into the plot. Each exchange ends with this gem:
Tim Roth: Thank you for your assistance
Bad Actor: But I haven't told you anything.
Tim Roth: BUT YOU'VE TOLD ME EVERYTHING!

HAKUNA MATATA: I had one of those classic only-in-America moments in JFK that makes me love my country more than The Dirty Dozen on Memorial Day. Seated at the gate to fly to South Africa were: 3 Argentinian brothers in soccer jumpsuits like the Royal Tenenbaums, a Hasidic Jew wearing crocs and, I swear to God, humping the air at random occasions as a nervous tic, the WASPiest 20-something to ever wrinkly khakis proudly wearing his Onyewu jersey (for the soccer illiterate, Onyewu is the biggest, blackest guy on the US team), a guy in a NASCAR hat and a t-shirt of Arnold Schwarzennegar smoking marijuana, a guitar-wiedling granola girl doing taichi at the airport window, the only guy in America who owns an MLS shirt happy to be rleevant for a month because he knows why Freddy Adu isn't on the squad, and then a horde of Mexicans. And finally, my aisle neighbor on the plane - a young black kid whose only carry-on for the 14 hour flight was an i-pod and two drumsticks.

This is why I love America most - not the republic, not some vision of what it once was or what it might be. All these are noble, but I love it most for what it is, because these people are home.

OH, AFRICA: Customs involved me walking under a sign that read customs. That is all.

TIP ON WORLD CUP ATTENDANCE: Traveler's checks are an anachronism.

JUSTINE'S ADVICE ON SOUTH AFRICA: Leave your expensive laptop at home. Whether it gets stolen or not, there are internet usage limits.

Me vs. Amtrak...The Saga In Summary

Below is a series of e-mails I have exchanged with Amtrak's customer service. What will happen next? Wait for the next episode.

My original message:
Message:
(Late January - Greater DC Area)
Dear Amtrak I am a long-time but soon to be ex-customer. This past weekend, due to frequent Amtrak delays on my trains from Washington DC to New York, I decided to take a bus. However, to get to the bus-stop, I took the local regional MARC train. My MARC train was delayed 30-minutes because the Amtrak train in front of it broke down. Because your train broke down, when I reached Union Station in DC, I had to buy an Amtrak train ticket to get to New York because my bus had already departed. Being the reasonable fellow that I am, I went to Amtrak customer service and requested that you at least discount the modest price of my bus ticket ($25) from the price of the train to New York ($139) that I was forced to take because your train broke down. YOUR AMTRAK CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT TOLD ME MY REQUEST WAS FAIR but that I would have to call an authorized customer service supervisor on your phone line. I did this, and the authorized agent RENEGED on my verbal agreement with your station customer service agent, saying BECAUSE THE TRAIN I WAS ON THAT WAS DELAYED WAS NOT AMTRAK'S, EVEN THOUGH AMTRAK CAUSED THE DELAY, THAT I WAS NOT ELIGIBLE FOR SUCH A REFUND. Let me explain to you why this is a bad business decision by you. You take on negligible variable cost in letting me on your train versus not letting me on. However, because of the shabby treatment, I am unlikely to ever use Amtrak again for my frequent DC to NY trips. This represents a considerable net loss to you, Amtrak. Since you refused my more than reasonable request for a small discount at the point of sale for my trouble, the price to retain my business has gone up and is now a full refund of the ticket price - $139. My reservation # is (withheld). I look forward to a timely resolution of this matter.

AMTRAK'S RESPONSE - FEBRUARY 1:
Dear Customer,

Thank you for contacting Amtrak. We respond to online inquiries 7 days a week between the hours of 8 am and 11 pm (ET). You can expect a response to your inquiry within the next 24 hours.

Please do not reply to this message.

Sincerely,
Amtrak Customer Service

COMMENT: One might think this would lead to a speedy resolution. 24 hour turnaround...well, what did I receive from Amtrak within 24 hours? The following.

Thank you for contacting us.

We have forwarded your e-mail to our Customer Relations Department. They will contact you as soon as possible in the order that the e-mail was received.

Due to a higher than normal volume, it may take up to eight weeks to receive a response to your e-mail. Please be assured your inquiry will be addressed as soon as possible.

If you prefer, you can contact them through our toll free number, 1-800-USA-RAIL (1-800-872-7245). Select the number '0' immediately to avoid the automated information menu, and an agent will transfer your call. The Customer Relations Department is staffed Monday through Friday between 7am -10pm (ET).

Thank you,

Sincerely,

William
Amtrak Customer Service

COMMENT: 8-weeks to reply to an e-mail? Surely they are just setting the bar low so that they can deliver earlier than that. There's no way it takes 8 WEEKS to respond to an e-mail. It's not like their customer relations department is lost in the Brazilian hinterland looking for El Dorado. Many animals have gestation periods shorter than 8 weeks. Nonetheless, here it is, April 3, and Amtrak still hasn't gotten back to me. So here was my response today:

Dear Amtrak "Customer Service"

As you will see, it has now been more than 8 weeks since I contacted you and politely requested just compensation in line with the promises made by your customer service agent. I believe that 8 weeks is more than sufficient for you to make a determination about my request...it it is enough time to decide the national collegiate basketball champion, certainly it is enough time to read an e-mail and submit a refund.

Since making my request, there have already been 3 occasions on which I would have taken Amtrak, but instead took alternate means of transportation because you have not resolved this incident. In other words, you have already lost money thanks to your inability to handle this simple request.

I am willing to wait another 2 weeks. If this matter is not resolved at the end of that time, my asking price will go up, and I will be forced, against my will, to start a facebook group dedicated to Amtrak's poor service that I will only take down when I am justly compensated for my trouble.

I already got their automated, "We'll respond in 24 hours" email again. What will they really say? We'll find out soon.

MOVIES I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THIS YEAR:
1. Inglorious Basterds
2. A Serious Man
3. Up!
4. Avatar
5. Taken
6. Sherlock Holmes
7. Up In The Air
8. The Damned United
9. The Blind Side
10. Crank! High Voltage
11. The Hangover
12. Star Trek
13. Drag Me to Hell
14. The Taking of Pelham 123
15. The Informant!

Best Picture:
- Avatar - Blue Pocahontas Dances With Trees in Jaw-Dropping 3-D
- The Blind Side – Hollywood expanded to 10 nominees so that everyone’s heart-warming, not-so-limousine-liberal movie would get nominated…just so it hurts more, Middle America, when it loses! HAHA! You boosted our ratings, citizens of Des Moines, just so we could party while we crushed your humble dreams. Muahahahahah.
- District 9 – Nice enough race drama sci-fi thing. I always like it when they leave a cliff-hanger when they’re not really planning a sequel. (Note to Peter Jackson - don't make a sequel.)
- An Education – I’m curious if this makes the cut in the old format. Then we’d have a serious problem. If you had to pick an indie-rom-com, why not something more accessible and entertaining like 500 Days of Summer?
- The Hurt Locker – Finally a decent Iraq-war movie
- Inglorious Basterds – Jew-porn. OK, everybody porn. Tarantino’s best.
- Precious – The soulful™ Oprah, in movie semi-documentary format. Tyra Banks’ Semi-Precious to hit theaters Fall 2014.
- A Serious Man – Intellectual Jewish-guilt porn plus my favorite Jefferson Airplane Song (Today)
- Up – Pixar made a movie…actually, it made its best movie.
- Up in the Air – George Clooney made a movie, and it was timely and addresses the situation. Not THE Situation. But that other situation, the one with the 10-20% unemployment.
WILL WIN: Up in the Air. Clooney’s been circling it but I think this is his year
SHOULD WIN: A Serious Man. This one’s really tough for me. It’s not my favorite movie of the year, but it is the most intellectually stimulating, and it’s close to my favorite movie of the year. There are a lot of movies with an earnest claim on this one. I’d really only look askance on District 9, An Education, Hurt Locker, or Precious. And I liked two of those movies.

09-10 Oscars Preview:

Best Director
- Kathryn Bigelow – The only director smart enough to take politics out of her Iraq War movie
- James Cameron – Wow. Welcome back. I wish you didn’t write the script, but it doesn’t matter. Did I say wow already? While I’ve got you’re here…True Lies 2? Arnold will be free soon.
- Lee Daniels – Made Oprah’s movie. Check out photos of this guy…excuse me sir, but Dolemite 2 try-outs were two decades ago.
- Jason Reitman – This movie was all script and acting…but you were there so, yeah. Welcome. That’s Jim…he’s the king of the world.
- Quentin Tarantino – Finally stepped out of his milieu and made something worthwhile
WILL WIN: Jason Reitman. I don’t think they can bring themselves to go Tarantino so I default to ‘Clooney Year’.
SHOULD WIN: James Cameron. Avatar isn’t a great movie if it’s not in 3D. In fact, it could be Golden Compass-esque. But as a directorial achievement, this is everything Titanic was and more. It’s on a level that no one can match now or will match anytime soon.

2010 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED:

The Daniel Day-Lewis Best Actor Award
- Jeff Bridges – The Dude plus guitar, minus White Russians and Walter Sobcheck.
- George Clooney – was in a movie this year (and it was pretty good).
- Colin Firth –Token LGBT-related nomination.
- Morgan Freeman – Morgan Freeman does a good Nelson Mandela impression.
- Jeremy Renner – So, they blew away Guy Pierce before the opening credits?
WILL WIN: George Clooney. Like I said, his year. Bridges is the other strong candidate.
SHOULD WIN: Jeff Bridges. I think Bridges is doing more acting in his movie than Clooney is. I think Clooney always just plays Clooney.

09-10 OSCARS PREVIEW CONTINUED: MERYL STREEP BEST ACTRESS AWARD

The Meryl Streep Best Actress Award
- Sandra Bullock – You’re the sweetest lady in Hollywood and you made your best movie…but was the movie too conservative to win in Hollywood? We’ll see.
- Helen Mirren – The Queen – that was a good movie. How old are you again? Were you this hot when you were 30? We just wanted you to show up at the Oscars because older English women are so classy.
- Carey Mulligan – No one saw this movie but it’s not a bad nomination. It’s another ‘teen comes of age’ tale set in the early 60’s, so you know all the issues we’re going to re-tread. I imagine this movie grabs the heart of boomer girls looking back on their faded glory. Anyway, as a movie it’s not got much new to say that Al Bundy didn’t handle well enough by slamming Kelly’s dates’ heads into the wall. As for the actress, she has that Juno feel - she’s written stronger than any 16 year old girl has any right to be, probably by a 40-50 year old woman who likes to think she was that witty when she was 16. This has the positive effect of making the dialogue better but makes the character less believable. Anyway, the actress pulls it off well. Try not to win though…you’ve got some talent and we’d hate to lock you in Marissa Tomei’s purgatory.
- Gabourey Sidibe – Good luck with all that.
- Meryl Streep – made a movie this year. The award is named after her after-all. It’s not like she did something silly like taking a role as an Italian romantic in a musical when it’s way outside her range. No great actor or actress is that dumb, right? What do you mean 9? Mamma what now?
WILL WIN: Gabourey Sidibe. Everyone will say they voted for Sandra, but they’ll vote their heart when they get in the booth.
SHOULD WIN: Sandra Bullock. Her year. Weak field.

Best Supporting Actor
- Matt Damon – tried his best at a South African accent and playing a man-mountain rugby player despite being relatively small
- Woody Harrelson – Was good in Zombieland, but we couldn’t possibly nominate him for that, so we’ll vote for him in that other Iraq movie that no one even knew to see.
- Christopher Plummer – Career nod.
- Stanley Tucci – I’m really upset at the blasphemy that Stanley Tucci will now be known as ‘Oscar Nominee Stanley Tucci’. Because he SUCKS! How does this guy keep getting jobs?
- Christopher Waltz – Came out of nowhere to own a movie so completely that it’s difficult to imagine why anyone else was even nominated.

WILL WIN: Christopher Waltz. It’s by far the stand-out performance of the year. I don’t care if he’s nobody. Un-ignorable.
SHOULD WIN: Waltz. It’s an insult that he’ll be shown on screen for any period of time with the likes of Tucci.

09-10 Oscars Preview Continued: Best Supporting Actress

Best Supporting Actress
- Penelope Cruz (Nine) – At this point, she’s reached the hotness category where it’s impossible to tell if she’s any good because you’re so enchanted by how gorgeous she is that there’s no divining any acting talent. In an age when there were fewer stars, she’d be our Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was the only saving grace in an otherwise awful movie.
- Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) – Didn’t just hold her own, beat Clooney at his own game. I have to admit, I love Vera Fermiga. I loved her in The Departed. I’m worried she’s getting started too late because she’s really good. She plays a real woman well. There are so few of those parts that get written that I’m worried she’s got no future. Here’s hoping.
- Maggie Gyllenhaal (Crazy Heart) – David Shula coached the Bengals for a while. Having a famous last name doesn't mean you're any good.
- Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air) – Nice job kid. I don’t know if you have a future but I like you.
- Mo’nique (Precious) – Oprah made us do it.
WILL WIN: Farmiga. See “Clooney Year, et al.”
SHOULD WIN: Farmiga. I think this is the year the Oscars gets some things right.

Oscars 09-10 Preview Continued: All of the "Other" Awards

Best Animated Feature Film
- Coraline – We’re mandated to like this because of the artistry involved…but it wasn’t that good.
- Fantastic Mr. Fox – So, what we said about Coraline…yeah, you too.
- The Princess and the Frog – We’ve got 5 slots here…kind of a throw-back. I mean, thanks for trying.
- The Secret of Kells – Wow, we’re really having trouble coming up with 5 here. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs didn’t hit the spot?
- Up – So, this got nominated for best picture as well. And none of these other movies did. Awkward…
WILL/SHOULD WIN: Up.

Best Original Screenplay (Most names removed since, for the most part, no one cares about the writer)
- The Hurt Locker – Thanks for figuring out that no one wants their Iraq War politics in their Iraq War movie. Now work on your dialogue.
- Quentin Tarantino – Inglorious Basterds – You put a lot of work in. But the Samuel L voice-over? Really?
- The Messenger – Also a movie about Iraq vets. Thank you for playing.
- The Coens – A Serious Man – You guys…you’re good at this. Maybe we can just nominate you for the writing award and pretend we understood your movie? In fact, I’m officially re-naming this award after you. And that’s despite Burn After Reading.
- Up In the Air – Well written, true, but kind of meandering.
WILL WIN: Up In The Air – Has that “Hollywood Cares About the Headlines” feel.
SHOULD WIN: Tarantino. It’s close. The Coens rocked it and there’s something to be said for Up in the Air’s script. But I like that this script took its time. Also, I have to say...I really thought, all along, that some modicum of historical accuracy would be preserved. Much to everyone's delight, it was not.

Best Documentary
A bunch of movies you didn’t see.

Best Foreign Language Film
(See Best Documentary)

Best Original Score
Nothing comes to mind.

Best Song
No one makes good songs for movies any more

Best Visual Effects/Cinematography
Avatar. It’s kind of hard to ignore that ‘revolutionize the industry’ thing.

I'm told there are other categories. Can’t we just move them to that ceremony they hold on the previous day?