1995: Second Half of the 90's Begins...Nation Badly Adrift
Top Grossing:
1. Toy Story
2. Batman Forever
3. Apollo 13
4. Pocahontas
5. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
6. GoldenEye
7. Jumanji
8. Casper
9. Seven
10. Die Hard: With a Vengeance
COMMENT: Wow is that a bad list. Batman Forever was an honest mistake. Pocahontas…the need to take kids to the movies is completely understandable. But Jumanji? Casper? Scarier still – Waterworld was #12. Americans didn’t know how bad Kevin Costner could be. I mean, I’m not Braveheart fan, but how does Waterworld make 13 million more? Based on 1995 ticket prices, that’s what, a difference of 2 million people? An unsettling look at a nation without purpose.
Award Winners:
Best Picture Nominees: Apollo 13, Braveheart, Babe, Il Postiino, Sense and Sensibility
Best Picture: Braveheart
Best Director: Mel Gibson - Braveheart
Best Actor: Nicolas Cage - Leaving Las Vegas
Best Actress: Susan Sarandon - Dead Man Walking
Best Supporting Actor: Kevin Spacey - The Usual Suspects
Best Supporting Actress: Mira Sorvino - Mighty Aphrodite
You know things are bad when Hollywood's doing better on taste than the American public. Just as an aside...when I say 'Goddess of Love'...does Mira Sorvino come to mind?
The REAL Top 10 of 1995:
1. Heat
2. Get Shorty
3. Seven
4. The Usual Suspects
5. Tommy Boy
6. Twelve Monkeys
7. Clueless
8. Apollo 13
9. Billy Madison
10. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. “The mother rhino is giving birth!”
MOST INFLUENTIAL: Toy Story. Like Athena, Computer Animation leaps from the head of Pixar in full battle armor, replete with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen.
Disturbing Trend 1: Propaganda Films for Sitting President. The American President was truly novel…it’s amazing that people will pay to see a campaign commercial
Disturbing Trend 2: Gina Davis’ career essentially ruined by Cutthroat Island
Disturbing Trend 3: This Happened – 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up
Disturbing Trend 4: Major Payne. The death of the best Wayans’ brother’s career.
Ambivalent Trend: Saved By the Bell crossover transition strangled in the cradle by Showgirls
Glimmer of Hope 1: Welcome back Saturday Night Live. Tommy Boy and Billy Madison mark a welcome departure from desperate retreads like Coneheads.
Glimmer of Hope 2: GoldenEye brings back Bond. Even though I never cared for Brosnan, at least his Bond started out passable.
FILM THAT EVERYONE THINKS IS INFLUENTIAL AND IMPORTANT BUT, IN TRUTH, IS EMBARRASSINGLY UNWATCHABLE: Basketball Diaries
MOVIES I WILL NOT WATCH: The Bridges of Madison County
MOVIES I DON’T CARE ABOUT: Dead Man Walking, Casino, Leaving Las Vegas, Nixon
WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain. In case you are curious, this is the story of a two cartographers who decide that a mountain is a mole hill.
ANOTHER WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE: How to Make An American Quilt. Even as an instructional video, it would seem tedious.
PASSABLE ROMANTIC COMEDY: French Kiss
BAD SEQUELS: Grumpier Old Men, Demolition Man 2: Judge Dredd.
IT WAS A BAD YEAR FOR: Keanu Reeves. Johnny Mnemonic AND A Walk in the Clouds. That hits both kidneys. Whoa…down but not out.
MOVIES THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT AT THE TIME: Outbreak, Species
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATHCED: Mallrats, The Quick and the Dead
EVILEST BAD GUY OF THE YEAR: Tim Roth in Rob Roy. Him and James Woods should have had better careers.
MOVIE THAT BEST TYPIFIES THE 90’s: Clueless. Dangerous Minds was close.
BEST INADVERTENT PORN TITLES: Bad Boys, Get Shorty, Now and Then, While You Were Sleeping
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
1994
Top Grossing
1. Forrest Gump
2. The Lion King
3. True Lies
4. The Santa Clause
5. The Flinstones
6. Dumb and Dumber
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Speed
9. The Mask
10. Pulp Fiction
Overall, not bad 1994. Except the Flinstones outdrew Dumb & Dumber AND The Mask...AND Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. A lodestone on all our souls.
ACADEMY AWARDS:
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption
Best Picture: Forrest Gump - Paramount Pictures
Best Director: Robert Zemeckis - Forrest Gump
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Forrest Gump
Best Actress: Jessica Lange - Blue Sky
Best Supporting Actor: Martin Landau - Ed Wood
Best Supporting Actress: Dianne Wiest - Bullets Over Broadway
Dianne Wiest has to be a MOST OBSCURE AWARD WINNER nominee. I’ve never seen her name or the movie title in my life. I can name most of Jason Statham’s catalogue though, so I've got that going for me. Also…Quiz Show? Really? Over Hoop Dreams? Quiz Show...It’s one of those easily forgotten things of the 90's…like the show Northern Exposure. Or Dianne Wiest.
This year belongs to: Jim Carey – That’s 3 comedies (Ace Ventura, The Mask, Dumb & Dumber) in one year than most people can’t top in a career. Perhaps the single greatest year for an actor in movie comedy history. Runner-up – Tim Robbins (Hudsucker Proxy AND Shawshank Redemption)
THE REAL TOP 10:
1. Hoop Dreams
2. The Hudsucker Proxy
3. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
4. Dumb and Dumber
5. Forrest Gump
6. True Lies
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Maverick
9. Shawshank Redemption
10. Speed
* Movies I thought were great at the time: Stargate, Blue Chips, Little Big League, Little Giants, The Shadow
* Most Influential: Pulp Fiction
* Most Overrated: The Lion King. This was the Disney movie I didn’t like. I think it’s because our football coach in high school forced us to sing Hakuna Matata while doing sit-ups and plyometrics.
* Bizarre Trend: Movies that didn’t need sequels: Ahem – 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Death Wish V: The Face of Death, Highlander 3: The Final Dimension, Leprechaun 2, My Girl 2, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, White Fang 2: Myth of the White Wolf, The Next Karate Kid.
COMMENT: My Girl 2? 3 Ninjas Kick Back? These things are as culturally important as trying to revitalize MTV’s The Grind. I would put Mighty Ducks 2 on there but something tells me that’s where the Knuckle Puck came from. The Knuckle Puck was good.
* Bad Sequels: City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar,
* Movies I Probably Should Have Seen Before Making This List But Didn’t Because I Was On a Damn Good Little League Team: Blue Sky, Clerks, The Crow, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Interview with the Vampire, Natural Born Killers, Reality Bites
* Movies I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Seen: Godzilla Vs. Space Godzilla
* Inexplicable Failure to Launch: Helen Mirren played a British queen in Madness of King George. And we let her sit there for another 15 years, not playing the queen.
* The Year in Jean Claude Van Damme: Timecop was maybe his best film.
* Best Inadvertent Porn Titles: Above the Rim, I’ll Do Anything, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Lightning Jack, Threesome (I can’t believe this was a serious title)
* Favorite Line: North, “I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to live without the ever-present nuisance of electricity. Allow me to retrieve my butter-churn from the overhead compartment.”
* The Kings of the early 90’s Announce They Are Done: Junior, Wyatt Earp
* So That’s What They Were Up To: Apparently Marissa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. made a movie called “Only You”. And you thought they wasted the 90’s on someone’s blacklist/drugged out.
* Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90's: Streetfighter. We didn't yet know that somehow it's easier to make a compelling movie out of an old Disney ride than a video game. Streetfighter (and Raul Julia inexplicably being chosen to play the world's fighting champion M. Bison) blazed this trail.
Top Grossing
1. Forrest Gump
2. The Lion King
3. True Lies
4. The Santa Clause
5. The Flinstones
6. Dumb and Dumber
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Speed
9. The Mask
10. Pulp Fiction
Overall, not bad 1994. Except the Flinstones outdrew Dumb & Dumber AND The Mask...AND Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. A lodestone on all our souls.
ACADEMY AWARDS:
BEST PICTURE NOMINEES: Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption
Best Picture: Forrest Gump - Paramount Pictures
Best Director: Robert Zemeckis - Forrest Gump
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Forrest Gump
Best Actress: Jessica Lange - Blue Sky
Best Supporting Actor: Martin Landau - Ed Wood
Best Supporting Actress: Dianne Wiest - Bullets Over Broadway
Dianne Wiest has to be a MOST OBSCURE AWARD WINNER nominee. I’ve never seen her name or the movie title in my life. I can name most of Jason Statham’s catalogue though, so I've got that going for me. Also…Quiz Show? Really? Over Hoop Dreams? Quiz Show...It’s one of those easily forgotten things of the 90's…like the show Northern Exposure. Or Dianne Wiest.
This year belongs to: Jim Carey – That’s 3 comedies (Ace Ventura, The Mask, Dumb & Dumber) in one year than most people can’t top in a career. Perhaps the single greatest year for an actor in movie comedy history. Runner-up – Tim Robbins (Hudsucker Proxy AND Shawshank Redemption)
THE REAL TOP 10:
1. Hoop Dreams
2. The Hudsucker Proxy
3. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
4. Dumb and Dumber
5. Forrest Gump
6. True Lies
7. Clear and Present Danger
8. Maverick
9. Shawshank Redemption
10. Speed
* Movies I thought were great at the time: Stargate, Blue Chips, Little Big League, Little Giants, The Shadow
* Most Influential: Pulp Fiction
* Most Overrated: The Lion King. This was the Disney movie I didn’t like. I think it’s because our football coach in high school forced us to sing Hakuna Matata while doing sit-ups and plyometrics.
* Bizarre Trend: Movies that didn’t need sequels: Ahem – 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Death Wish V: The Face of Death, Highlander 3: The Final Dimension, Leprechaun 2, My Girl 2, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, White Fang 2: Myth of the White Wolf, The Next Karate Kid.
COMMENT: My Girl 2? 3 Ninjas Kick Back? These things are as culturally important as trying to revitalize MTV’s The Grind. I would put Mighty Ducks 2 on there but something tells me that’s where the Knuckle Puck came from. The Knuckle Puck was good.
* Bad Sequels: City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar,
* Movies I Probably Should Have Seen Before Making This List But Didn’t Because I Was On a Damn Good Little League Team: Blue Sky, Clerks, The Crow, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Interview with the Vampire, Natural Born Killers, Reality Bites
* Movies I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Seen: Godzilla Vs. Space Godzilla
* Inexplicable Failure to Launch: Helen Mirren played a British queen in Madness of King George. And we let her sit there for another 15 years, not playing the queen.
* The Year in Jean Claude Van Damme: Timecop was maybe his best film.
* Best Inadvertent Porn Titles: Above the Rim, I’ll Do Anything, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Lightning Jack, Threesome (I can’t believe this was a serious title)
* Favorite Line: North, “I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to live without the ever-present nuisance of electricity. Allow me to retrieve my butter-churn from the overhead compartment.”
* The Kings of the early 90’s Announce They Are Done: Junior, Wyatt Earp
* So That’s What They Were Up To: Apparently Marissa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. made a movie called “Only You”. And you thought they wasted the 90’s on someone’s blacklist/drugged out.
* Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90's: Streetfighter. We didn't yet know that somehow it's easier to make a compelling movie out of an old Disney ride than a video game. Streetfighter (and Raul Julia inexplicably being chosen to play the world's fighting champion M. Bison) blazed this trail.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
1993 – A Truly Bad Year in Cinematic Tastes
Top Grossing:
1. Jurassic Park
2. Mrs. Doubtfire
3. The Fugitive
4. The Firm
5. Sleepless in Seattle
6. Indecent Proposal
7. In the Line of Fire
8. The Pelican Brief
9. Schindler’s List
10. Cliffhanger
A truly awful list of movies. The Firm AND The Pelican Brief? Thank goodness we tied up those customers with Law & Order: CSI Chattanooga. And Cliffhanger? Indecent Proposal? Cliffhanger failed to embrace the pun while Indecent Proposal should have been the rejection response to the script. Maybe this is just the result of ‘what everyone who didn’t go see Jurassic Park?’ No, actually there were good movies this year.
ACADEMY AWARDS:
Best Picture Nominees: Schindler’s List, The Piano, The Age of Innocence, In the Name of the Father, The Remains of the Day
Best Picture: Schindler's List -
Best Director: Steven Spielberg - Schindler's List
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Philadelphia
Best Actress: Holly Hunter - The Piano
Best Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones - The Fugitive
Best Supporting Actress: Anna Paquin - The Piano
Not to be outdone by American consumers, the Screen Actors Guild said, “NO NO NO, AMERICA, WE’LL SHOW YOU BAD TASTE.” And by that we mean dry period dramas. Let’s ignore Schindler’s List for now. Allow me to give you the one sentence summary of The Piano from Wikipedia:
The Piano is a 1993 film about a mute female pianist and her daughter, set during the mid-19th century in a rainy, muddy frontier New Zealand backwater.
Who is the producer who said, “OOOOOO. Tell me more!”
TOP 10:
1. Rudy “You’re 5-foot nothin’, a hundred and nothing’…” I miss the rock v. 1
2. Tombstone “I’m your huckleberry.”
3. Jurassic Park
4. Philadelphia
5. Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
6. Groundhog Day
7. Schindler’s List
8. Grumpy Old Men
9. Searching for Bobby Fischer (Secret not revealed in the movie – he was in the Philippines doing a radio show as a conspiracy whacko.
10. The Sandlot
- The Year in Kevin Costner – Tombstone had the added bonus of setting up Costner for the knockout blow – Wyatt Earp. 1993 was spent prepping his doom…while making something called A Perfect World, which had Costner AND Clint Eastwood and yet I secretly doubt its existence. If you don't know, when Costner found out about Tombstone, he rented all the western costumes in hollywood out of spite - karma's a mofo. Kurt Russell, a tip of the hat.
Which leads to:
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR BEST PARODY: Robin Hood: Men in Tights – Mel Brooks piles on the rapidly vacating Costner-train! One of the better parody films ever.
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR I CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT WAS GOOD OR NOT: The Fugitive
• HONORABLE MENTION FOR BEING #11: Dave
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT’S ACTUALLY NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK: Last Action Hero
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT IS ACTUALLY THAT BAD: Demolition Man
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED’ – Keanu Reeves does Shakespeare in Much Ado About Nothing
• THE ‘TARGET AUDIENCE?’ AWARD FOR BEST UNBRIDLED CREATIVITY: Nightmare Before Christmas
• THE PASSABLY WATCHABLE ROMCOM AWARD: Sleepless In Seattle
• ‘IT WAS GOING TO INCLUDE CHUCK NORRIS IN A CAPE BUT THE SCREEN CAN’T HOLD ANYMORE AWESOME’ AWARD FOR BEST SCENE: Dennis Hopper vs. Christopher Walken – True Romance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm_LbJTvTWA
• MOVIES THAT I THINK ARE SUPREMES’ LYRICS: Nowhere to Run, No Place to Hide
MOST INFLUENTIAL: Jurassic Park. Ushered in the era of CGI. And looking at that 10 Top Grossing Films…just in the nick of time.
MOST OVERRATED: Schindler's List. Am I a bad person? Is that a hate crime? Sorry folks. Not only did it mark Spielberg's wantonly wasteful move into drama, it's also rather dull now that we've had a few more Holocaust movies come down the pike. Oooo, he used black and white, what a genius.
MOVIES I THOUGHT WERE A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME: Alive, Falling Down, The Firm, M Butterfly, The Program, Rising Sun
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATCHED: Army of Darkness, The Age of Innocence, Dazed & Confused, Menace II Society, In the Name of the Father, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WATCHED: Another Stakeout, Matinee
WORST SEQUELS, AND WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM: Beethoven’s Second, Look Who’s Talking Now, Robo-Cop 3, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3; Wayne’s World 2, Weekend At Bernie’s 2.
Let’s face it, those are some bad sequels. So first off, don’t make sequels to dog movies. Same goes for babies. And implausible plots like pretending a dead guy is alive…guys, he’s starting to smell. Robocop kind of sucked from the start, so the lesson there is, don’t make a sequel to a bad movie. TMNT 3 was a pure money grab. Which leaves us with Wayne’s World 2. This movie is so epically unfunny that it makes Molly Shannon look like Richard Pryor. I mean, there’s nothing holding you down, guys, no plot gimmick or anything stopping the funny…how could this movie be this bad? It'd be funnier if it was just 2 hours of hangin' w/ Garth.
SEQUEL I SHOULD HAVE SEEN JUST FOR THE MYSTIFYING TITLE: Best of the Best 2…um, didn’t we settle this in the first movie?
MOVIE TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE OUTSIDE THE 90’s: Weekend @ Bernie’s 2
BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES (At least 93 came up big in this category):
- Best of the Best 2,
- Dazed & Confused,
- Demolition Man,
- Free Willy,
- Hard Target,
- Flesh & Bone,
- Mad Dog & Glory, (you have to admit, that’s good)
- Married to It
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
- Sleepless in Seattle
- Striking Distance
- Speak Up! It’s So Dark (I can’t believe that’s a movie title)
PS: Did anyone else hate the early 90’s Batman cartoon? I mean, it was so dull. How do you make Batman suck? Oh right, the rest of the 90’s answered that question.
Top Grossing:
1. Jurassic Park
2. Mrs. Doubtfire
3. The Fugitive
4. The Firm
5. Sleepless in Seattle
6. Indecent Proposal
7. In the Line of Fire
8. The Pelican Brief
9. Schindler’s List
10. Cliffhanger
A truly awful list of movies. The Firm AND The Pelican Brief? Thank goodness we tied up those customers with Law & Order: CSI Chattanooga. And Cliffhanger? Indecent Proposal? Cliffhanger failed to embrace the pun while Indecent Proposal should have been the rejection response to the script. Maybe this is just the result of ‘what everyone who didn’t go see Jurassic Park?’ No, actually there were good movies this year.
ACADEMY AWARDS:
Best Picture Nominees: Schindler’s List, The Piano, The Age of Innocence, In the Name of the Father, The Remains of the Day
Best Picture: Schindler's List -
Best Director: Steven Spielberg - Schindler's List
Best Actor: Tom Hanks - Philadelphia
Best Actress: Holly Hunter - The Piano
Best Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones - The Fugitive
Best Supporting Actress: Anna Paquin - The Piano
Not to be outdone by American consumers, the Screen Actors Guild said, “NO NO NO, AMERICA, WE’LL SHOW YOU BAD TASTE.” And by that we mean dry period dramas. Let’s ignore Schindler’s List for now. Allow me to give you the one sentence summary of The Piano from Wikipedia:
The Piano is a 1993 film about a mute female pianist and her daughter, set during the mid-19th century in a rainy, muddy frontier New Zealand backwater.
Who is the producer who said, “OOOOOO. Tell me more!”
TOP 10:
1. Rudy “You’re 5-foot nothin’, a hundred and nothing’…” I miss the rock v. 1
2. Tombstone “I’m your huckleberry.”
3. Jurassic Park
4. Philadelphia
5. Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story
6. Groundhog Day
7. Schindler’s List
8. Grumpy Old Men
9. Searching for Bobby Fischer (Secret not revealed in the movie – he was in the Philippines doing a radio show as a conspiracy whacko.
10. The Sandlot
- The Year in Kevin Costner – Tombstone had the added bonus of setting up Costner for the knockout blow – Wyatt Earp. 1993 was spent prepping his doom…while making something called A Perfect World, which had Costner AND Clint Eastwood and yet I secretly doubt its existence. If you don't know, when Costner found out about Tombstone, he rented all the western costumes in hollywood out of spite - karma's a mofo. Kurt Russell, a tip of the hat.
Which leads to:
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR BEST PARODY: Robin Hood: Men in Tights – Mel Brooks piles on the rapidly vacating Costner-train! One of the better parody films ever.
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR I CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT WAS GOOD OR NOT: The Fugitive
• HONORABLE MENTION FOR BEING #11: Dave
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT’S ACTUALLY NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK: Last Action Hero
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR MOVIE THAT IS ACTUALLY THAT BAD: Demolition Man
• SPECIAL AWARD FOR ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WORKED’ – Keanu Reeves does Shakespeare in Much Ado About Nothing
• THE ‘TARGET AUDIENCE?’ AWARD FOR BEST UNBRIDLED CREATIVITY: Nightmare Before Christmas
• THE PASSABLY WATCHABLE ROMCOM AWARD: Sleepless In Seattle
• ‘IT WAS GOING TO INCLUDE CHUCK NORRIS IN A CAPE BUT THE SCREEN CAN’T HOLD ANYMORE AWESOME’ AWARD FOR BEST SCENE: Dennis Hopper vs. Christopher Walken – True Romance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm_LbJTvTWA
• MOVIES THAT I THINK ARE SUPREMES’ LYRICS: Nowhere to Run, No Place to Hide
MOST INFLUENTIAL: Jurassic Park. Ushered in the era of CGI. And looking at that 10 Top Grossing Films…just in the nick of time.
MOST OVERRATED: Schindler's List. Am I a bad person? Is that a hate crime? Sorry folks. Not only did it mark Spielberg's wantonly wasteful move into drama, it's also rather dull now that we've had a few more Holocaust movies come down the pike. Oooo, he used black and white, what a genius.
MOVIES I THOUGHT WERE A BIG DEAL AT THE TIME: Alive, Falling Down, The Firm, M Butterfly, The Program, Rising Sun
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WATCHED: Army of Darkness, The Age of Innocence, Dazed & Confused, Menace II Society, In the Name of the Father, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
MOVIES I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE WATCHED: Another Stakeout, Matinee
WORST SEQUELS, AND WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM: Beethoven’s Second, Look Who’s Talking Now, Robo-Cop 3, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3; Wayne’s World 2, Weekend At Bernie’s 2.
Let’s face it, those are some bad sequels. So first off, don’t make sequels to dog movies. Same goes for babies. And implausible plots like pretending a dead guy is alive…guys, he’s starting to smell. Robocop kind of sucked from the start, so the lesson there is, don’t make a sequel to a bad movie. TMNT 3 was a pure money grab. Which leaves us with Wayne’s World 2. This movie is so epically unfunny that it makes Molly Shannon look like Richard Pryor. I mean, there’s nothing holding you down, guys, no plot gimmick or anything stopping the funny…how could this movie be this bad? It'd be funnier if it was just 2 hours of hangin' w/ Garth.
SEQUEL I SHOULD HAVE SEEN JUST FOR THE MYSTIFYING TITLE: Best of the Best 2…um, didn’t we settle this in the first movie?
MOVIE TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE OUTSIDE THE 90’s: Weekend @ Bernie’s 2
BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES (At least 93 came up big in this category):
- Best of the Best 2,
- Dazed & Confused,
- Demolition Man,
- Free Willy,
- Hard Target,
- Flesh & Bone,
- Mad Dog & Glory, (you have to admit, that’s good)
- Married to It
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
- Sleepless in Seattle
- Striking Distance
- Speak Up! It’s So Dark (I can’t believe that’s a movie title)
PS: Did anyone else hate the early 90’s Batman cartoon? I mean, it was so dull. How do you make Batman suck? Oh right, the rest of the 90’s answered that question.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Continuing 90’s Movie Reviews:
1992
Top Grossing Films:
1. Aladdin
2. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
3. Batman Returns
4. A Few Good Men
5. Lethal Weapon 3
6. The Bodyguard
7. Sister Act
8. A League of Their Own
9. Basic Instinct
10. Wayne’s World
What were we thinking: The Bodyguard? Kevin Costner’s drawing power strikes again. This is how we got Waterworld and Postman. He thought he could make anything and we’d go to it. Apparently we did.
Academy Award Nominees and Winners:
• Unforgiven (WINNER)
• The Crying Game
• A Few Good Men
• Howards End
• Scent of a Woman
• Best Picture: Unforgiven - Malpaso Productions, Warner Bros.
• Best Director: Clint Eastwood - Unforgiven
• Best Actor: Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman
• Best Actress: Emma Thompson - Howards End
• Best Supporting Actor: Gene Hackman - Unforgiven
• Best Supporting Actress: Marisa Tomei - My Cousin Vinny
COMMENT: This was where the Academy Awards started to ruin itself. Three terrible artsy movies nominated for reasons unclear to America. Several great movies all but ignored (Last of the Mohicans? Did this movie get disqualified for NCAA rules violations of something?) And the Marisa Tomei controversy…which turns out to be one of the more justifiable picks on this list.
The Definitive 1992 Best 10 Films:
1. The Last of the Mohicans
2. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
3. Batman Returns
4. Wayne’s World
5. Reservoir Dogs
6. Diggstown
7. My Cousin Vinny
8. Noises Off
9. Aladdin
10. White Men Can’t Jump
Most Influential Film: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So it wasn’t a landmark of cinema. Still, it created a new genre
Most Overrated Films: A Few Good Men (More like ‘One Good Scene’), The Bodyguard
Hidden Trend: Movies with good soundtracks. Last of the Mohicans, Leap of Faith, The Bodyguard and Sister Act.
Worst Sequel: Honey, I Blew Up the Kids
Movies I Should Have Watched Before Making This List: Malcom X, El Mariachi, Glengarry Glen Ross
Movies I Thought Were A Big Deal At The Time: Newsies, Thunderheart
Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90s: Cool World
Best Inadvertent Porn Title: Unlawful Entry, The Babe, Sister Act.
1992
Top Grossing Films:
1. Aladdin
2. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
3. Batman Returns
4. A Few Good Men
5. Lethal Weapon 3
6. The Bodyguard
7. Sister Act
8. A League of Their Own
9. Basic Instinct
10. Wayne’s World
What were we thinking: The Bodyguard? Kevin Costner’s drawing power strikes again. This is how we got Waterworld and Postman. He thought he could make anything and we’d go to it. Apparently we did.
Academy Award Nominees and Winners:
• Unforgiven (WINNER)
• The Crying Game
• A Few Good Men
• Howards End
• Scent of a Woman
• Best Picture: Unforgiven - Malpaso Productions, Warner Bros.
• Best Director: Clint Eastwood - Unforgiven
• Best Actor: Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman
• Best Actress: Emma Thompson - Howards End
• Best Supporting Actor: Gene Hackman - Unforgiven
• Best Supporting Actress: Marisa Tomei - My Cousin Vinny
COMMENT: This was where the Academy Awards started to ruin itself. Three terrible artsy movies nominated for reasons unclear to America. Several great movies all but ignored (Last of the Mohicans? Did this movie get disqualified for NCAA rules violations of something?) And the Marisa Tomei controversy…which turns out to be one of the more justifiable picks on this list.
The Definitive 1992 Best 10 Films:
1. The Last of the Mohicans
2. Bram Stoker’s Dracula
3. Batman Returns
4. Wayne’s World
5. Reservoir Dogs
6. Diggstown
7. My Cousin Vinny
8. Noises Off
9. Aladdin
10. White Men Can’t Jump
Most Influential Film: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So it wasn’t a landmark of cinema. Still, it created a new genre
Most Overrated Films: A Few Good Men (More like ‘One Good Scene’), The Bodyguard
Hidden Trend: Movies with good soundtracks. Last of the Mohicans, Leap of Faith, The Bodyguard and Sister Act.
Worst Sequel: Honey, I Blew Up the Kids
Movies I Should Have Watched Before Making This List: Malcom X, El Mariachi, Glengarry Glen Ross
Movies I Thought Were A Big Deal At The Time: Newsies, Thunderheart
Movie Totally Out of Place Outside the 90s: Cool World
Best Inadvertent Porn Title: Unlawful Entry, The Babe, Sister Act.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Continuing 90's movie reviews - 1991
1991 comes on a lot stronger than 90 in terms of viewers knowing what the hell they were doing. In fact, 1991 was a good year for movies, especially comedies.
Top Grossing Films
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
2. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. The Silence of the Lambs
5. City Slickers
6. Hook
8. Sleeping with the Enemy
10. The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear
COMMENT: Seven out of ten ain't bad.
WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Kevin Costner's drawing power may be the biggest mystery of the early 90's.
COMMENT: An interesting mix. I had no idea Beauty and the Beast was nominated...ahead of its time. Bugsy and JFK were a scoche overrated epics featuring big names that really aren't that compelling. At least the best of the 5 won.
The Definitive 1991 Top 10 Best Films:1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
2. Silence of the Lambs
3. Point Break
4. LA Story
5. Beauty & the Beast
6. City Slickers
7. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - "They melvined me."
8. What About Bob?
9. Backdraft
10. Earnest Scared Stupid - Jim Varney's best work. I stand by this one.
HONORABLE MENTION: Addams Family, Father of the Bride, Naked Gun 2 1/2 , Hot Shots!.
SEMI-HONORABLE MENTION: Dutch - it wasn't that good, but there's a few classic lines and I loved Al Bundy.
Most Influential Film: Boyz n the Hood - people forget no one was doing movies like this before this film. Even if it doesn't stack up these days, it was influential.
Most Overrated Films: JFK, Bugsy, Prince of Tides, Barton Fink
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Highlander 2: The Quickening
- An American Tale: Fievel Goes West
- Problem Child 2
- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze
There are 5 lessons to be learned here.
#1 - Fievel did not need to go west. Fievel needed to go straight to video.
#2 - Even as a kid, I knew Problem Child 2 was bad. I had a birthday party that included it and I was thinking, "Wow, I hope they come to my party next year. Have to go back to that Major League / UHF marathon sleep-over."
#3 - When Star Trek: Next Generation is already a clearly better show, another bad movie isn't gong to save anything
#4 - Consider your subtitle and think, "Does Secret of the Ooze just sound lame?" If only Spielberg had paid attention we'd never have gotten 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.'
#5 - There can be only one.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: JFK, The Doors, Thelma & Louise. Sorry Oliver Stone, you are ineligible for history-related reasons.
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Boyz n the Hood, Bugsy, Cape Fear, Fried Green Tomatoes, Thelma & Louise, JFK, Prince of Tides, Regarding Henry, Jungle Fever
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: The Rocketeer, White Fang.
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Jungle Fever
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Double Impact, The Hard Way, New Jack City, Necessary Roughness,
Special Award for Big Star Dud Double Whammy: Bruce Willis for Hudson Hawk AND The Last Boyscout.
Special Award for Weird Simpsons Tie-In: I don't know how to explain that the movie McBain got made...after the Simpsons invented the character...and Christopher Walken was in it...and the movie sued the Simpsons. What next...OJ Simpson got arrested while trying to steal back all of the merchandise he sold to pay his legal debts for killing his wife and whistled 'if i only had a brain' as he was lead away? Oh wait...both of those things happened.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
The Best Movies of the 90's part zero
In preparation for a decade review of film coming up at the end of the year, I thought I'd practice some by going through the 90's.
I thought I'd go through the 90's year-by-year and cull the highlights and low lights.
Starting with 1990:
Top Grossing Films
1. Ghost
2. Home Alone
3. Pretty Woman
4. Dances With Wolves
5. Total Recall
6. Back to the Future Part III
7. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
8. Presumed Innocent
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10. Kindegarten Cop
COMMENT: Wow...Ghost? I guess adults used to take dates to the movies more often. Honestly though, that's 2 nigh on unwatchable films in the top 5 (I'm looking at you Muddles Through Tedium).
WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Even still, the real shock is Presumed Innocent. That's a movie?
Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:
Dances With Wolves, Awakenings, Godfather: Part 3, Ghost, Goodfellas
COMMENT: OUCH! One out of five is actually of any lasting quality. And Awakenings? Yeah, that, uh, made quite an impact...by forcing us to endure Patch Adams later in life.
Let's try the 1990 all over with a real top 10. I dare you to argue:
1. Miller's Crossing - The best script ever
2. Total Recall
3. The Freshman - The real Godfather 3.
4. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
5. Home Alone
6. The Hunt for Red October
7. Kindegarten Cop
8. Edward Scissorhands
9. Gremlins 2
10. Goodfellas - This movie has aged very poorly in my opinion. Maybe it was revolutionary at the time to portray gangsters as scumbags but I find this film tedious. Still it's top 10 material but way outdrew the much better gangster movie Miller's Crossing because Scorcese was Scorcese then and the Coens were nobody.
Most Influential Film: Goodfellas - I may not enjoy it, but it had the biggest impact
Most Overrated Films: Dances With Wolves, Ghost, Goodfellas, Pretty Woman
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Godfather Part III
- The Neverending Story 2
- Rocky V
Those are some epically bad nominees. Rocky V was so bad they ignored its existence when making Rocky Balboa. The Neverending Story 2 was so bad that the Neverending Story ended. Either that or died somewhere on straight-to-VHS. But those pale, in the end, to the cinematic travesty that is Godfather Part III. A strong year for bad sequels.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: Pretty Woman
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Pretty Woman, Ghost, The Grifters, State of Grace, Presumed Innocent, Awakenings
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: Dick Tracy, Lionheart, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I swear McDonald's had this huge Dick Tracy promo and I memorized every single character. They got Beatty and Pacino...and I don't think anyone's ever seen it since. Honestly, have you ever seen them throw Dick Tracy up on cable? You'd be like...'Why is Warren Beatty dressed like the guy from Curious George?'
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Quigley Down Under, Tremors
In preparation for a decade review of film coming up at the end of the year, I thought I'd practice some by going through the 90's.
I thought I'd go through the 90's year-by-year and cull the highlights and low lights.
Starting with 1990:
Top Grossing Films
1. Ghost
2. Home Alone
3. Pretty Woman
4. Dances With Wolves
5. Total Recall
6. Back to the Future Part III
7. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
8. Presumed Innocent
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10. Kindegarten Cop
COMMENT: Wow...Ghost? I guess adults used to take dates to the movies more often. Honestly though, that's 2 nigh on unwatchable films in the top 5 (I'm looking at you Muddles Through Tedium).
WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Even still, the real shock is Presumed Innocent. That's a movie?
Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:
Dances With Wolves, Awakenings, Godfather: Part 3, Ghost, Goodfellas
COMMENT: OUCH! One out of five is actually of any lasting quality. And Awakenings? Yeah, that, uh, made quite an impact...by forcing us to endure Patch Adams later in life.
Let's try the 1990 all over with a real top 10. I dare you to argue:
1. Miller's Crossing - The best script ever
2. Total Recall
3. The Freshman - The real Godfather 3.
4. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
5. Home Alone
6. The Hunt for Red October
7. Kindegarten Cop
8. Edward Scissorhands
9. Gremlins 2
10. Goodfellas - This movie has aged very poorly in my opinion. Maybe it was revolutionary at the time to portray gangsters as scumbags but I find this film tedious. Still it's top 10 material but way outdrew the much better gangster movie Miller's Crossing because Scorcese was Scorcese then and the Coens were nobody.
Most Influential Film: Goodfellas - I may not enjoy it, but it had the biggest impact
Most Overrated Films: Dances With Wolves, Ghost, Goodfellas, Pretty Woman
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Godfather Part III
- The Neverending Story 2
- Rocky V
Those are some epically bad nominees. Rocky V was so bad they ignored its existence when making Rocky Balboa. The Neverending Story 2 was so bad that the Neverending Story ended. Either that or died somewhere on straight-to-VHS. But those pale, in the end, to the cinematic travesty that is Godfather Part III. A strong year for bad sequels.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: Pretty Woman
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Pretty Woman, Ghost, The Grifters, State of Grace, Presumed Innocent, Awakenings
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: Dick Tracy, Lionheart, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I swear McDonald's had this huge Dick Tracy promo and I memorized every single character. They got Beatty and Pacino...and I don't think anyone's ever seen it since. Honestly, have you ever seen them throw Dick Tracy up on cable? You'd be like...'Why is Warren Beatty dressed like the guy from Curious George?'
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Quigley Down Under, Tremors
Monday, September 07, 2009
My 2009-10 NFL Picks. Going w/ my heart, hoping LT gets a ring before the wheels come off...despite Norv Turner's presence.
My overall prediction - a more stable year for the league; no real Cinderellas.
NFC EAST:
**Philly 10-6
*Giants 10-6
Cowboys 7-9
Skins 7-9
NFC WEST
**Seahawks 9-7
Cardinals 7-9
Rams 6-10
49ers 5-11
NFC NORTH
**Bears 11-5
* Vikings 9-7
Packers 8-8
Lions 4-12
NFC SOUTH
**New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Atlanta 7-9
Tampa Bay 5-11
AFC EAST
**New England 12-4
Miami 9-7
Bills 7-9
Jets 5-11
AFC WEST
Chargers 13-3
Broncos 6-10
Raiders 5-11
Chiefs 5-11
AFC NORTH
**Baltimore 10-6
*Pittsburgh 10-6
Browns 6-10
Bengals 6-10
AFC SOUTH
**Indianapolis 11-5
*Jacksonville 9-7
Houston 8-8
Tennessee 7-9
PLAYOFF TEAMS:
NFC DIV WINNERS: Philly, Seattle, Chicago, New Orleans
NFC WILD CARDS: Giants, Vikings
AFC DIV WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis
AFC WILD CARDS: Pittsburgh, Jacksonville
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES:
NFC: Philadelphia vs. Chicago
AFC: New England vs. San Diego
SUPER BOWL:
San Diego vs. Chicago
WINNERS:
San Diego Chargers
My overall prediction - a more stable year for the league; no real Cinderellas.
NFC EAST:
**Philly 10-6
*Giants 10-6
Cowboys 7-9
Skins 7-9
NFC WEST
**Seahawks 9-7
Cardinals 7-9
Rams 6-10
49ers 5-11
NFC NORTH
**Bears 11-5
* Vikings 9-7
Packers 8-8
Lions 4-12
NFC SOUTH
**New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Atlanta 7-9
Tampa Bay 5-11
AFC EAST
**New England 12-4
Miami 9-7
Bills 7-9
Jets 5-11
AFC WEST
Chargers 13-3
Broncos 6-10
Raiders 5-11
Chiefs 5-11
AFC NORTH
**Baltimore 10-6
*Pittsburgh 10-6
Browns 6-10
Bengals 6-10
AFC SOUTH
**Indianapolis 11-5
*Jacksonville 9-7
Houston 8-8
Tennessee 7-9
PLAYOFF TEAMS:
NFC DIV WINNERS: Philly, Seattle, Chicago, New Orleans
NFC WILD CARDS: Giants, Vikings
AFC DIV WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis
AFC WILD CARDS: Pittsburgh, Jacksonville
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES:
NFC: Philadelphia vs. Chicago
AFC: New England vs. San Diego
SUPER BOWL:
San Diego vs. Chicago
WINNERS:
San Diego Chargers
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Why TV Dramas Fall Apart
I just finished The Wire...the epic rise and tragic collapse of the show's artistry matches that of the crime bosses it features.
We can summarize the 5 seasons as follows:
1. Cops and Robbers - Set the scene - this show is going to get good
2. Dock Workers - At home with a contract - this show is good
3. City Hall and Stringer Bell - Narrative perfection; oppressive tone - this show is damn good
4. Educational Excursion - Job-dropping collapse - this show is too good for you and must lecture you
5. Newspaper Farce - this show has nowhere else to go but from the tragic to the absurd
Personally, I prefer season 2 - season 3 is almost unending dread. Anyway, this pattern is played out in various other shows. Most peak early...if anything it's a shock that The Wire lasted 3 good seasons. Meanwhile, comedies usually have long runs where they get better. Why?
Comedy develops with familiarity. This is why your idiot friends seem funny to you and no one else. This is why Anchorman keeps getting funnier the more you watch it. The first time Al Bundy comes home and complains about a fat woman waddling into a shoe store, it's new. The tenth time, you know it's going to be funning as soon as he walks in. A good comedy never really has to go anywhere. The narrative is minimal and has no carry-over (except Arrested Development - more on that later) so you can jump in wherever knowing the characters and more and more ready to laugh.
Drama doesn't work this way. Let's enumerate a few key reasons dramas fall apart, starting with the problems and then moving on to the problems created by the solutions to the original problems.
The Original Problems:
1. Familiarity breeds boredom. Think about it - the more you're around your friends, the funnier they seem to you, but the more tired you get of their b.s. Give me one season of Tony Soprano bitching about his mother and I'm there with the guy...seven seasons though, well after she's dead? Get over it...to quote the Godfather, "YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!"
2. The first season is an enclosed circle. No one can expect a show to run more than a season given how competitive the world of tv air time is. So the first season is designed as a complete narrative...compelling, tight, and packaged. Further seasons are more open-ended - will the show sustain its popularity? Will the network re-up? Cancel? How many more seasons do we have to work with?
3. Success breeds editorial freedom. The first season of a show has to get noticed and renewed. It has to generate an audience. Therefore, the show has to be easier to access; it has to be interesting to a general audience. It also has to be good enough to leap out amongst a pile of scripts. The first season is often the sum total of a writer's brilliance. Once the show succeeds, the writer's off the hook. It's the same reason the Genius Grant program has been a flop - success breeds complacency. Writer's get lazy and grow unconcerned with their audience. They indulge their own petty jealousies and interests. Thus, the Sopranos bores us with dream episodes and The Wire leads us into lectures on education policy and the ex-journalist writer's pent up rage at his former employer. The network indulges these flights of fancy because they want to keep the writer doing the show and because ultimately, the viewership is locked-in and less demanding.
4) Critical Acclaim mounts expectations for intellectual content. The Sopranos becomes the focus of psychology papers, creating a feedback loop of Sopranos episodes reflecting psychological research. The Wire falls in love with its headlines as a gritty look at urban decay instead of a good cops and robbers show. The acclaim becomes the purpose of the show and drives the narrative off-track, at least in terms of actual artistic content and viewer interest.
As a result, several new problems arise:
1) The writer runs out of ideas. This happens to all of us, especially writers on a deadline. Sometimes, the best of what a writer has comes together in one work. Once, the door is opened to more, there may be a few moments of the old magic, but the rest is a grind for a paycheck.
2) Too many characters and storylines to track. At a certain point, when a show keeps adding new things to keep it fresh, if it doesn't give up on the old, you just end up with too much. Each episode becomes a scattershot, advancing several plotlines incrementally. With so much ground to cover, the opportunity for artistic focus gets stretched thing and snaps.
3) Too many cooks in the kitchen. One common solution is to start having guest writers and guest directors to make up for a disinterested creator. This works great in comedy, where you're just playing with the same formula in new ways. But in drama, the narrative is totally lost. The guest sections get interspliced with the portions that HAVE to be there to advance the season long plot, and again, the episode by episode tone and theme becomes a hodgepodge of styles, mostly bland punctuated by a few bright moments.
4) Lecture not story...this was The Wire's biggest failing, but it's a common problem - having addressed the interesting emotional and interpersonal content, the show seeks to remain intellectually respected by defaulting to social relevance. Thus, more and more, the viewer gets lectured instead of getting entertained. What made The Wire great were real people - the cops didn't always win, all of the characters had flaws and strengths, no one was always right and no one always won. All of that was wiped away in favor of a ludicrous docudrama series on education policy in which all of the teachers were dedicated and noble, held down by the system.
It's kind of strange to reflect that this was ultimately what did Arrested Development in. The show got progressively funnier as it went along, but as a drama with a narrative, it got progressively harder to follow. In retrospect, watching on DVD, it's fantastic. As an episodic drama, it's a bit much to try to keep it all together.
So is there a solution? Sure - know when to quit.
I just finished The Wire...the epic rise and tragic collapse of the show's artistry matches that of the crime bosses it features.
We can summarize the 5 seasons as follows:
1. Cops and Robbers - Set the scene - this show is going to get good
2. Dock Workers - At home with a contract - this show is good
3. City Hall and Stringer Bell - Narrative perfection; oppressive tone - this show is damn good
4. Educational Excursion - Job-dropping collapse - this show is too good for you and must lecture you
5. Newspaper Farce - this show has nowhere else to go but from the tragic to the absurd
Personally, I prefer season 2 - season 3 is almost unending dread. Anyway, this pattern is played out in various other shows. Most peak early...if anything it's a shock that The Wire lasted 3 good seasons. Meanwhile, comedies usually have long runs where they get better. Why?
Comedy develops with familiarity. This is why your idiot friends seem funny to you and no one else. This is why Anchorman keeps getting funnier the more you watch it. The first time Al Bundy comes home and complains about a fat woman waddling into a shoe store, it's new. The tenth time, you know it's going to be funning as soon as he walks in. A good comedy never really has to go anywhere. The narrative is minimal and has no carry-over (except Arrested Development - more on that later) so you can jump in wherever knowing the characters and more and more ready to laugh.
Drama doesn't work this way. Let's enumerate a few key reasons dramas fall apart, starting with the problems and then moving on to the problems created by the solutions to the original problems.
The Original Problems:
1. Familiarity breeds boredom. Think about it - the more you're around your friends, the funnier they seem to you, but the more tired you get of their b.s. Give me one season of Tony Soprano bitching about his mother and I'm there with the guy...seven seasons though, well after she's dead? Get over it...to quote the Godfather, "YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!"
2. The first season is an enclosed circle. No one can expect a show to run more than a season given how competitive the world of tv air time is. So the first season is designed as a complete narrative...compelling, tight, and packaged. Further seasons are more open-ended - will the show sustain its popularity? Will the network re-up? Cancel? How many more seasons do we have to work with?
3. Success breeds editorial freedom. The first season of a show has to get noticed and renewed. It has to generate an audience. Therefore, the show has to be easier to access; it has to be interesting to a general audience. It also has to be good enough to leap out amongst a pile of scripts. The first season is often the sum total of a writer's brilliance. Once the show succeeds, the writer's off the hook. It's the same reason the Genius Grant program has been a flop - success breeds complacency. Writer's get lazy and grow unconcerned with their audience. They indulge their own petty jealousies and interests. Thus, the Sopranos bores us with dream episodes and The Wire leads us into lectures on education policy and the ex-journalist writer's pent up rage at his former employer. The network indulges these flights of fancy because they want to keep the writer doing the show and because ultimately, the viewership is locked-in and less demanding.
4) Critical Acclaim mounts expectations for intellectual content. The Sopranos becomes the focus of psychology papers, creating a feedback loop of Sopranos episodes reflecting psychological research. The Wire falls in love with its headlines as a gritty look at urban decay instead of a good cops and robbers show. The acclaim becomes the purpose of the show and drives the narrative off-track, at least in terms of actual artistic content and viewer interest.
As a result, several new problems arise:
1) The writer runs out of ideas. This happens to all of us, especially writers on a deadline. Sometimes, the best of what a writer has comes together in one work. Once, the door is opened to more, there may be a few moments of the old magic, but the rest is a grind for a paycheck.
2) Too many characters and storylines to track. At a certain point, when a show keeps adding new things to keep it fresh, if it doesn't give up on the old, you just end up with too much. Each episode becomes a scattershot, advancing several plotlines incrementally. With so much ground to cover, the opportunity for artistic focus gets stretched thing and snaps.
3) Too many cooks in the kitchen. One common solution is to start having guest writers and guest directors to make up for a disinterested creator. This works great in comedy, where you're just playing with the same formula in new ways. But in drama, the narrative is totally lost. The guest sections get interspliced with the portions that HAVE to be there to advance the season long plot, and again, the episode by episode tone and theme becomes a hodgepodge of styles, mostly bland punctuated by a few bright moments.
4) Lecture not story...this was The Wire's biggest failing, but it's a common problem - having addressed the interesting emotional and interpersonal content, the show seeks to remain intellectually respected by defaulting to social relevance. Thus, more and more, the viewer gets lectured instead of getting entertained. What made The Wire great were real people - the cops didn't always win, all of the characters had flaws and strengths, no one was always right and no one always won. All of that was wiped away in favor of a ludicrous docudrama series on education policy in which all of the teachers were dedicated and noble, held down by the system.
It's kind of strange to reflect that this was ultimately what did Arrested Development in. The show got progressively funnier as it went along, but as a drama with a narrative, it got progressively harder to follow. In retrospect, watching on DVD, it's fantastic. As an episodic drama, it's a bit much to try to keep it all together.
So is there a solution? Sure - know when to quit.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
World Leaders Check Out Booty
So this is my new favorite picture. I've developed a theory, which is that the moment in which a man checks out a woman's rear end provides a window into his soul. Not only that, but it shows us a nation's soul.
Consider our President versus that of the French President. Both are clearly checking out the booty. You'll notice, though, a difference. Our president is sitting there thinking to himself, "Damn...that is a booty." It's a democratic moment when the leader of the free world can pause and just be another American, being made aware of a derriere. The moment is there, and it's gone, time for more business.
The French president is clearly more of a connoisseur. He is pleased, no doubt, but he appears to be studying the booty as if he were attending an art gallery and would be forced to comment on the matter later to impress his friends. He seems to be thinking, "Hmmm...there is something about this booty that reminds me of spring in Lyon."
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Annual 2009 Oscars Preview
Best Picture
NOMINEES:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I.E. Forrest Gump Meets Joe Black. Incidentally, if you find yourself in a fairly serious Brad Pitt movie, watch out while crossing the street. Someone is getting hit by a car.
- Frost/Nixon. I.E. We're supposed to hate Richard Nixon but he's kind of fascinating. He's like the A-Rod of US presidents.
- Milk. I.E. Obligatory LGBT nomination.
- The Reader. I.E. Obligatory Nazi/Holocaust nomination
- Slumdog Millionaire. I.E. Indian Rudy Rom-Com
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
SHOULD WIN: The Dark Knight.
BIGGEST SNUBS: The Dark Knight, Doubt, Mongol, Wall-E, Gran Torino
COMMENT: This may be the first year where you could have 5 other movies and probably have a stronger bunch. This borders on making the Oscars irrelevant. At least The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about something (death and aging). Honestly - The Reader? Woof.
BEST ACTOR:
- Richard Jenkins is not Leonardo DiCaprio and the Academy really wants it clear they don't like him so they nominated this whodat from a movie no one saw.
- Frank Langella is a likeable Richard Nixon.
- Sean Penn is gay.
- Brad Pitt is a guy who ages backwards. Hard to tell - best actor or best makeup?
- Mickey Rourke is the Ultimate Warrior version of himself.
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke. Sean Penn already has one.
SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella - Is there some reason this guy had no work between being the bad guy in Dave and a more sympathetic version of the same thing in Frost / Nixon?
BIGGEST SNUBS: Clint Eastwood, the dude who played Genghis Khan, Leonardo
BEST ACTRESS:
- Anne Hathway is the obligatory ‘hottie plays damaged drug addict’ nomination
- Angelina Jolie is an angry mom with adoption issues (this is acting) but more literally - lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress” nomination
- Melissa Leo is in a movie no one saw but that was effectively marketed for nominations.
- Meryl Streep demands that all mortals cower before her (and forget Mamma Mia!) She's headed for Daniel Day Lewis "We should name this award after her" territory.
- Kate Winslet is nominated so that it is absolutely clear the we don't like Leo.
WILL WIN: Kate Winslet
SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep
BIGGEST SNUB: Megan Fox for whatever she was in this year. If all you're going to do is nominate hotties, the only reason I see not nominating Ms. Fox is this unfortunate Brian Austin Green episode. Honestly, I'd respect her more if it was Ian Zehring. Or the guy who played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
COMMENT: Given this plus the nominees for best supporting actress, the lecherous old man factor really weighed heavily on this year's voting.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
- Josh Brolin plays W. killing a gay guy
- Robert Downey Jr. plays Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a black guy for laughs.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in a film of his own this year.
- Heath Ledger plays a terrifying, unforgettable Joker in what was by far the best film this year.
- Michael Shannon plays a guy in a Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar-vehicle movie, just so it's clear that no one likes Leo.
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger.
SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger. When I first found out he was going to play Joker, I balked. He hadn't impressed me thus far. I was wrong. RIP. Here's hoping whoever gets tabbed for the third film can match - these movies are only as good as their bad guy.
SNUBS: Russell Brand for owning Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading
COMMENT: What did Leo do? Deny the Holocaust? Vote Republican? Somebody sign him up for a UN ambassadorship, stat!
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
- Amy Adams plays Amy Adams in a nun's outfit. You may not have noticed but she actually leaves for about half the film.
- Penelope Cruz made out with Scarlett Johanssen and lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress...and makes out with Scarlett Johanssen
- Viola Davis is a troubled black woman in an impossible situation.
- Taraji Henson is a sassy black woman in a pleasant, passably intellectual film
- Marissa Tomei plays herself if she hadn't resuscitated her career after it inexplicably didn't happen...in her birthday suit
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Marissa Tomei, just for laughs. Too bad Jack Palance is dead.
SNUBS: The girl from Transporter 3. Hahahaha!
COMMENT: Funny story about me going to see The Wrestler - the first time Marissa Tomei gets naked (I assume it happens many times) someone pulled the fire alarm and I couldn't see the rest of the movie. I can't decide whether I like the 'someone overheated' theory or the 'someone was religious' theory. Or maybe it was a rogue Lex Luger fan outraged at the thought of him at a strip club.
WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES:
1. The Reader
2. Milk
3. Richard Jenkins
4. Melissa Leo
5. Amy Adams
WINNER IS: The Reader. Inexcusable waste of our time.
TOP 10 INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
1. The Foot Fist Way
2. The Wackness
3. What Just Happened
4. Seven Pounds
5. Over Her Dead Body
6. Tropic Thunder
7. The Express / Pineapple Express
8. Nights in Rodanthe
9. Drillbit Taylor
10. Iron Man
Movies I Wish I'd Seen:
1. Pineapple Express / Zack and Miri Make a Porno / Role Models - Guys...slow down. This is like 5 of these things in one year.
2. Kung Fu Panda
3. Revolutionary Road
4. Yes Man
5. Man on Wire
Biggest Disappointments:
1. Quantum of Solace (see archives for lengthy disappointment)
2. The Forbidden Kingdom - I had the idea for a Jet Li / Jackie Chan 2-hour kung fu spectacular a long time ago. It would be the Heat of martial arts movies. Unfortunately, after the monkey king issue, the kung fu being boiled down to one stale 10 minute fight, and the rampant cribbing from better kung fu movies, this was instead the The Righteous Kill of martial arts movies.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm on to Spielberg. This we know. Don't think you can dodge me! That's the only reason this isn't #2. I knew it would be bad.
4. Burn After Reading - I think the Coen Bros. titled this movie appropriately. You're slacking. Don't make me put you on my Spielberg list!
5. Appaloosa - Western w/ Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen...this could be good. It's just not.
6. Tropic Thunder - Besides a few good moments and Robert Downey Jr., this movie is actually not funny.
7. You Don't Mess W/ The Zohan - This is a funny movie but more just ridiculous. I'm beginning to worry that Sandler's too lazy to ever deliver again.
SURPRISINGLY WATCHABLE FILMS
1. Anything with Jason Statham in it. The guy brings his A-game every time. The Bank Job is fun. Transporter 3 is almost self-consciously silly. The actress is so bad you'd think she was trying and characters audibly point out plot holes. So what? So they get killed by the bad guy for doing so. Touche.
2. The Incredible Hulk 2. It didn't totally suck. Also, good to see Tim Roth working.
3. Wanted. The hole 'weaver' thing was so lame that they had to kill everyone at the end so that it could never happen again. So the plot was sequel-bad but the stunts were awesome.
4. Leatherheads - Sue me, this was what I thought it would be. Rene Zellwegger seems to be trying to hit every decade. Am I wrong to think Jennifer Anniston should be getting more of her roles?
TOP 10 MOVIES REGARDLESS OF GENRE:
1. The Dark Knight
2. Mongol
3. Frost / Nixon
4. Iron Man
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Doubt
7. Gran Torino
8. Slumdog Millionaire
9. Wall-E
10. In Bruges
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hancock, Rock-n-Rolla, Wanted, Leatherheads, Semi-Pro, The Bank Job
Best Picture
NOMINEES:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I.E. Forrest Gump Meets Joe Black. Incidentally, if you find yourself in a fairly serious Brad Pitt movie, watch out while crossing the street. Someone is getting hit by a car.
- Frost/Nixon. I.E. We're supposed to hate Richard Nixon but he's kind of fascinating. He's like the A-Rod of US presidents.
- Milk. I.E. Obligatory LGBT nomination.
- The Reader. I.E. Obligatory Nazi/Holocaust nomination
- Slumdog Millionaire. I.E. Indian Rudy Rom-Com
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
SHOULD WIN: The Dark Knight.
BIGGEST SNUBS: The Dark Knight, Doubt, Mongol, Wall-E, Gran Torino
COMMENT: This may be the first year where you could have 5 other movies and probably have a stronger bunch. This borders on making the Oscars irrelevant. At least The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about something (death and aging). Honestly - The Reader? Woof.
BEST ACTOR:
- Richard Jenkins is not Leonardo DiCaprio and the Academy really wants it clear they don't like him so they nominated this whodat from a movie no one saw.
- Frank Langella is a likeable Richard Nixon.
- Sean Penn is gay.
- Brad Pitt is a guy who ages backwards. Hard to tell - best actor or best makeup?
- Mickey Rourke is the Ultimate Warrior version of himself.
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke. Sean Penn already has one.
SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella - Is there some reason this guy had no work between being the bad guy in Dave and a more sympathetic version of the same thing in Frost / Nixon?
BIGGEST SNUBS: Clint Eastwood, the dude who played Genghis Khan, Leonardo
BEST ACTRESS:
- Anne Hathway is the obligatory ‘hottie plays damaged drug addict’ nomination
- Angelina Jolie is an angry mom with adoption issues (this is acting) but more literally - lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress” nomination
- Melissa Leo is in a movie no one saw but that was effectively marketed for nominations.
- Meryl Streep demands that all mortals cower before her (and forget Mamma Mia!) She's headed for Daniel Day Lewis "We should name this award after her" territory.
- Kate Winslet is nominated so that it is absolutely clear the we don't like Leo.
WILL WIN: Kate Winslet
SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep
BIGGEST SNUB: Megan Fox for whatever she was in this year. If all you're going to do is nominate hotties, the only reason I see not nominating Ms. Fox is this unfortunate Brian Austin Green episode. Honestly, I'd respect her more if it was Ian Zehring. Or the guy who played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
COMMENT: Given this plus the nominees for best supporting actress, the lecherous old man factor really weighed heavily on this year's voting.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
- Josh Brolin plays W. killing a gay guy
- Robert Downey Jr. plays Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a black guy for laughs.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in a film of his own this year.
- Heath Ledger plays a terrifying, unforgettable Joker in what was by far the best film this year.
- Michael Shannon plays a guy in a Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar-vehicle movie, just so it's clear that no one likes Leo.
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger.
SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger. When I first found out he was going to play Joker, I balked. He hadn't impressed me thus far. I was wrong. RIP. Here's hoping whoever gets tabbed for the third film can match - these movies are only as good as their bad guy.
SNUBS: Russell Brand for owning Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading
COMMENT: What did Leo do? Deny the Holocaust? Vote Republican? Somebody sign him up for a UN ambassadorship, stat!
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
- Amy Adams plays Amy Adams in a nun's outfit. You may not have noticed but she actually leaves for about half the film.
- Penelope Cruz made out with Scarlett Johanssen and lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress...and makes out with Scarlett Johanssen
- Viola Davis is a troubled black woman in an impossible situation.
- Taraji Henson is a sassy black woman in a pleasant, passably intellectual film
- Marissa Tomei plays herself if she hadn't resuscitated her career after it inexplicably didn't happen...in her birthday suit
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Marissa Tomei, just for laughs. Too bad Jack Palance is dead.
SNUBS: The girl from Transporter 3. Hahahaha!
COMMENT: Funny story about me going to see The Wrestler - the first time Marissa Tomei gets naked (I assume it happens many times) someone pulled the fire alarm and I couldn't see the rest of the movie. I can't decide whether I like the 'someone overheated' theory or the 'someone was religious' theory. Or maybe it was a rogue Lex Luger fan outraged at the thought of him at a strip club.
WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES:
1. The Reader
2. Milk
3. Richard Jenkins
4. Melissa Leo
5. Amy Adams
WINNER IS: The Reader. Inexcusable waste of our time.
TOP 10 INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
1. The Foot Fist Way
2. The Wackness
3. What Just Happened
4. Seven Pounds
5. Over Her Dead Body
6. Tropic Thunder
7. The Express / Pineapple Express
8. Nights in Rodanthe
9. Drillbit Taylor
10. Iron Man
Movies I Wish I'd Seen:
1. Pineapple Express / Zack and Miri Make a Porno / Role Models - Guys...slow down. This is like 5 of these things in one year.
2. Kung Fu Panda
3. Revolutionary Road
4. Yes Man
5. Man on Wire
Biggest Disappointments:
1. Quantum of Solace (see archives for lengthy disappointment)
2. The Forbidden Kingdom - I had the idea for a Jet Li / Jackie Chan 2-hour kung fu spectacular a long time ago. It would be the Heat of martial arts movies. Unfortunately, after the monkey king issue, the kung fu being boiled down to one stale 10 minute fight, and the rampant cribbing from better kung fu movies, this was instead the The Righteous Kill of martial arts movies.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm on to Spielberg. This we know. Don't think you can dodge me! That's the only reason this isn't #2. I knew it would be bad.
4. Burn After Reading - I think the Coen Bros. titled this movie appropriately. You're slacking. Don't make me put you on my Spielberg list!
5. Appaloosa - Western w/ Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen...this could be good. It's just not.
6. Tropic Thunder - Besides a few good moments and Robert Downey Jr., this movie is actually not funny.
7. You Don't Mess W/ The Zohan - This is a funny movie but more just ridiculous. I'm beginning to worry that Sandler's too lazy to ever deliver again.
SURPRISINGLY WATCHABLE FILMS
1. Anything with Jason Statham in it. The guy brings his A-game every time. The Bank Job is fun. Transporter 3 is almost self-consciously silly. The actress is so bad you'd think she was trying and characters audibly point out plot holes. So what? So they get killed by the bad guy for doing so. Touche.
2. The Incredible Hulk 2. It didn't totally suck. Also, good to see Tim Roth working.
3. Wanted. The hole 'weaver' thing was so lame that they had to kill everyone at the end so that it could never happen again. So the plot was sequel-bad but the stunts were awesome.
4. Leatherheads - Sue me, this was what I thought it would be. Rene Zellwegger seems to be trying to hit every decade. Am I wrong to think Jennifer Anniston should be getting more of her roles?
TOP 10 MOVIES REGARDLESS OF GENRE:
1. The Dark Knight
2. Mongol
3. Frost / Nixon
4. Iron Man
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Doubt
7. Gran Torino
8. Slumdog Millionaire
9. Wall-E
10. In Bruges
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hancock, Rock-n-Rolla, Wanted, Leatherheads, Semi-Pro, The Bank Job
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