Continuing 90's movie reviews - 1991

1991 comes on a lot stronger than 90 in terms of viewers knowing what the hell they were doing. In fact, 1991 was a good year for movies, especially comedies.

Top Grossing Films

1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

2. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

3. Beauty and the Beast

4. The Silence of the Lambs

5. City Slickers

6. Hook

7. The Addams Family

8. Sleeping with the Enemy

9. Father of the Bride

10. The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear

COMMENT: Seven out of ten ain't bad.

WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Kevin Costner's drawing power may be the biggest mystery of the early 90's.

Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:

- Silence of the Lambs (Winner)

- Beauty and the Beast

- Bugsy

- JFK

- The Prince of Tides

COMMENT: An interesting mix. I had no idea Beauty and the Beast was nominated...ahead of its time. Bugsy and JFK were a scoche overrated epics featuring big names that really aren't that compelling. At least the best of the 5 won.

The Definitive 1991 Top 10 Best Films:
1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
2. Silence of the Lambs
3. Point Break
4. LA Story
5. Beauty & the Beast
6. City Slickers
7. Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - "They melvined me."
8. What About Bob?
9. Backdraft
10. Earnest Scared Stupid - Jim Varney's best work. I stand by this one.
HONORABLE MENTION: Addams Family, Father of the Bride, Naked Gun 2 1/2 , Hot Shots!.
SEMI-HONORABLE MENTION: Dutch - it wasn't that good, but there's a few classic lines and I loved Al Bundy.

Most Influential Film: Boyz n the Hood - people forget no one was doing movies like this before this film. Even if it doesn't stack up these days, it was influential.
Most Overrated Films: JFK, Bugsy, Prince of Tides, Barton Fink
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Highlander 2: The Quickening
- An American Tale: Fievel Goes West
- Problem Child 2
- Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze
There are 5 lessons to be learned here.
#1 - Fievel did not need to go west. Fievel needed to go straight to video.
#2 - Even as a kid, I knew Problem Child 2 was bad. I had a birthday party that included it and I was thinking, "Wow, I hope they come to my party next year. Have to go back to that Major League / UHF marathon sleep-over."
#3 - When Star Trek: Next Generation is already a clearly better show, another bad movie isn't gong to save anything
#4 - Consider your subtitle and think, "Does Secret of the Ooze just sound lame?" If only Spielberg had paid attention we'd never have gotten 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.'
#5 - There can be only one.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: JFK, The Doors, Thelma & Louise. Sorry Oliver Stone, you are ineligible for history-related reasons.
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Boyz n the Hood, Bugsy, Cape Fear, Fried Green Tomatoes, Thelma & Louise, JFK, Prince of Tides, Regarding Henry, Jungle Fever
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: The Rocketeer, White Fang.
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Jungle Fever
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Double Impact, The Hard Way, New Jack City, Necessary Roughness,
Special Award for Big Star Dud Double Whammy: Bruce Willis for Hudson Hawk AND The Last Boyscout.
Special Award for Weird Simpsons Tie-In: I don't know how to explain that the movie McBain got made...after the Simpsons invented the character...and Christopher Walken was in it...and the movie sued the Simpsons. What next...OJ Simpson got arrested while trying to steal back all of the merchandise he sold to pay his legal debts for killing his wife and whistled 'if i only had a brain' as he was lead away? Oh wait...both of those things happened.

The Best Movies of the 90's part zero

In preparation for a decade review of film coming up at the end of the year, I thought I'd practice some by going through the 90's.

I thought I'd go through the 90's year-by-year and cull the highlights and low lights.

Starting with 1990:
Top Grossing Films
1. Ghost
2. Home Alone
3. Pretty Woman
4. Dances With Wolves
5. Total Recall
6. Back to the Future Part III
7. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
8. Presumed Innocent
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10. Kindegarten Cop
COMMENT: Wow...Ghost? I guess adults used to take dates to the movies more often. Honestly though, that's 2 nigh on unwatchable films in the top 5 (I'm looking at you Muddles Through Tedium).
WHAT WERE WE THINKING AMERICA: Even still, the real shock is Presumed Innocent. That's a movie?

Academy Awards Best Picture Nominees:
Dances With Wolves, Awakenings, Godfather: Part 3, Ghost, Goodfellas
COMMENT: OUCH! One out of five is actually of any lasting quality. And Awakenings? Yeah, that, uh, made quite an impact...by forcing us to endure Patch Adams later in life.

Let's try the 1990 all over with a real top 10. I dare you to argue:
1. Miller's Crossing - The best script ever
2. Total Recall
3. The Freshman - The real Godfather 3.
4. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
5. Home Alone
6. The Hunt for Red October
7. Kindegarten Cop
8. Edward Scissorhands
9. Gremlins 2
10. Goodfellas - This movie has aged very poorly in my opinion. Maybe it was revolutionary at the time to portray gangsters as scumbags but I find this film tedious. Still it's top 10 material but way outdrew the much better gangster movie Miller's Crossing because Scorcese was Scorcese then and the Coens were nobody.

Most Influential Film: Goodfellas - I may not enjoy it, but it had the biggest impact
Most Overrated Films: Dances With Wolves, Ghost, Goodfellas, Pretty Woman
Worst Sequel Nominees:
- Godfather Part III
- The Neverending Story 2
- Rocky V
Those are some epically bad nominees. Rocky V was so bad they ignored its existence when making Rocky Balboa. The Neverending Story 2 was so bad that the Neverending Story ended. Either that or died somewhere on straight-to-VHS. But those pale, in the end, to the cinematic travesty that is Godfather Part III. A strong year for bad sequels.
Movie I steadfastly refuse to consider: Pretty Woman
Movies I probably should have seen all the way through before making this list but didn't in the interests of good taste: Pretty Woman, Ghost, The Grifters, State of Grace, Presumed Innocent, Awakenings
Movies I totally thought were a big deal at the time and can't quite remember why: Dick Tracy, Lionheart, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I swear McDonald's had this huge Dick Tracy promo and I memorized every single character. They got Beatty and Pacino...and I don't think anyone's ever seen it since. Honestly, have you ever seen them throw Dick Tracy up on cable? You'd be like...'Why is Warren Beatty dressed like the guy from Curious George?'
Movie Totally Out-of-Place Outside the 90's - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Best Inadvertant Porn Title Nominees: Quigley Down Under, Tremors

My 2009-10 NFL Picks. Going w/ my heart, hoping LT gets a ring before the wheels come off...despite Norv Turner's presence.

My overall prediction - a more stable year for the league; no real Cinderellas.

NFC EAST:
**Philly 10-6
*Giants 10-6
Cowboys 7-9
Skins 7-9

NFC WEST
**Seahawks 9-7
Cardinals 7-9
Rams 6-10
49ers 5-11

NFC NORTH
**Bears 11-5
* Vikings 9-7
Packers 8-8
Lions 4-12

NFC SOUTH
**New Orleans 9-7
Carolina 8-8
Atlanta 7-9
Tampa Bay 5-11

AFC EAST
**New England 12-4
Miami 9-7
Bills 7-9
Jets 5-11

AFC WEST
Chargers 13-3
Broncos 6-10
Raiders 5-11
Chiefs 5-11

AFC NORTH
**Baltimore 10-6
*Pittsburgh 10-6
Browns 6-10
Bengals 6-10

AFC SOUTH
**Indianapolis 11-5
*Jacksonville 9-7
Houston 8-8
Tennessee 7-9

PLAYOFF TEAMS:
NFC DIV WINNERS: Philly, Seattle, Chicago, New Orleans
NFC WILD CARDS: Giants, Vikings
AFC DIV WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis
AFC WILD CARDS: Pittsburgh, Jacksonville

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES:
NFC: Philadelphia vs. Chicago
AFC: New England vs. San Diego

SUPER BOWL:
San Diego vs. Chicago

WINNERS:
San Diego Chargers

Why TV Dramas Fall Apart

I just finished The Wire...the epic rise and tragic collapse of the show's artistry matches that of the crime bosses it features.

We can summarize the 5 seasons as follows:
1. Cops and Robbers - Set the scene - this show is going to get good
2. Dock Workers - At home with a contract - this show is good
3. City Hall and Stringer Bell - Narrative perfection; oppressive tone - this show is damn good
4. Educational Excursion - Job-dropping collapse - this show is too good for you and must lecture you
5. Newspaper Farce - this show has nowhere else to go but from the tragic to the absurd

Personally, I prefer season 2 - season 3 is almost unending dread. Anyway, this pattern is played out in various other shows. Most peak early...if anything it's a shock that The Wire lasted 3 good seasons. Meanwhile, comedies usually have long runs where they get better. Why?

Comedy develops with familiarity. This is why your idiot friends seem funny to you and no one else. This is why Anchorman keeps getting funnier the more you watch it. The first time Al Bundy comes home and complains about a fat woman waddling into a shoe store, it's new. The tenth time, you know it's going to be funning as soon as he walks in. A good comedy never really has to go anywhere. The narrative is minimal and has no carry-over (except Arrested Development - more on that later) so you can jump in wherever knowing the characters and more and more ready to laugh.

Drama doesn't work this way. Let's enumerate a few key reasons dramas fall apart, starting with the problems and then moving on to the problems created by the solutions to the original problems.

The Original Problems:
1. Familiarity breeds boredom. Think about it - the more you're around your friends, the funnier they seem to you, but the more tired you get of their b.s. Give me one season of Tony Soprano bitching about his mother and I'm there with the guy...seven seasons though, well after she's dead? Get over it...to quote the Godfather, "YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!"
2. The first season is an enclosed circle. No one can expect a show to run more than a season given how competitive the world of tv air time is. So the first season is designed as a complete narrative...compelling, tight, and packaged. Further seasons are more open-ended - will the show sustain its popularity? Will the network re-up? Cancel? How many more seasons do we have to work with?
3. Success breeds editorial freedom. The first season of a show has to get noticed and renewed. It has to generate an audience. Therefore, the show has to be easier to access; it has to be interesting to a general audience. It also has to be good enough to leap out amongst a pile of scripts. The first season is often the sum total of a writer's brilliance. Once the show succeeds, the writer's off the hook. It's the same reason the Genius Grant program has been a flop - success breeds complacency. Writer's get lazy and grow unconcerned with their audience. They indulge their own petty jealousies and interests. Thus, the Sopranos bores us with dream episodes and The Wire leads us into lectures on education policy and the ex-journalist writer's pent up rage at his former employer. The network indulges these flights of fancy because they want to keep the writer doing the show and because ultimately, the viewership is locked-in and less demanding.
4) Critical Acclaim mounts expectations for intellectual content. The Sopranos becomes the focus of psychology papers, creating a feedback loop of Sopranos episodes reflecting psychological research. The Wire falls in love with its headlines as a gritty look at urban decay instead of a good cops and robbers show. The acclaim becomes the purpose of the show and drives the narrative off-track, at least in terms of actual artistic content and viewer interest.

As a result, several new problems arise:
1) The writer runs out of ideas. This happens to all of us, especially writers on a deadline. Sometimes, the best of what a writer has comes together in one work. Once, the door is opened to more, there may be a few moments of the old magic, but the rest is a grind for a paycheck.
2) Too many characters and storylines to track. At a certain point, when a show keeps adding new things to keep it fresh, if it doesn't give up on the old, you just end up with too much. Each episode becomes a scattershot, advancing several plotlines incrementally. With so much ground to cover, the opportunity for artistic focus gets stretched thing and snaps.
3) Too many cooks in the kitchen. One common solution is to start having guest writers and guest directors to make up for a disinterested creator. This works great in comedy, where you're just playing with the same formula in new ways. But in drama, the narrative is totally lost. The guest sections get interspliced with the portions that HAVE to be there to advance the season long plot, and again, the episode by episode tone and theme becomes a hodgepodge of styles, mostly bland punctuated by a few bright moments.
4) Lecture not story...this was The Wire's biggest failing, but it's a common problem - having addressed the interesting emotional and interpersonal content, the show seeks to remain intellectually respected by defaulting to social relevance. Thus, more and more, the viewer gets lectured instead of getting entertained. What made The Wire great were real people - the cops didn't always win, all of the characters had flaws and strengths, no one was always right and no one always won. All of that was wiped away in favor of a ludicrous docudrama series on education policy in which all of the teachers were dedicated and noble, held down by the system.

It's kind of strange to reflect that this was ultimately what did Arrested Development in. The show got progressively funnier as it went along, but as a drama with a narrative, it got progressively harder to follow. In retrospect, watching on DVD, it's fantastic. As an episodic drama, it's a bit much to try to keep it all together.

So is there a solution? Sure - know when to quit.

World Leaders Check Out Booty

So this is my new favorite picture. I've developed a theory, which is that the moment in which a man checks out a woman's rear end provides a window into his soul. Not only that, but it shows us a nation's soul.

Consider our President versus that of the French President. Both are clearly checking out the booty. You'll notice, though, a difference. Our president is sitting there thinking to himself, "Damn...that is a booty." It's a democratic moment when the leader of the free world can pause and just be another American, being made aware of a derriere. The moment is there, and it's gone, time for more business.

The French president is clearly more of a connoisseur. He is pleased, no doubt, but he appears to be studying the booty as if he were attending an art gallery and would be forced to comment on the matter later to impress his friends. He seems to be thinking, "Hmmm...there is something about this booty that reminds me of spring in Lyon."

Annual 2009 Oscars Preview

Best Picture
NOMINEES:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I.E. Forrest Gump Meets Joe Black. Incidentally, if you find yourself in a fairly serious Brad Pitt movie, watch out while crossing the street. Someone is getting hit by a car.
- Frost/Nixon. I.E. We're supposed to hate Richard Nixon but he's kind of fascinating. He's like the A-Rod of US presidents.
- Milk. I.E. Obligatory LGBT nomination.
- The Reader. I.E. Obligatory Nazi/Holocaust nomination
- Slumdog Millionaire. I.E. Indian Rudy Rom-Com
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
SHOULD WIN: The Dark Knight.
BIGGEST SNUBS: The Dark Knight, Doubt, Mongol, Wall-E, Gran Torino
COMMENT: This may be the first year where you could have 5 other movies and probably have a stronger bunch. This borders on making the Oscars irrelevant. At least The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about something (death and aging). Honestly - The Reader? Woof.

BEST ACTOR:
- Richard Jenkins is not Leonardo DiCaprio and the Academy really wants it clear they don't like him so they nominated this whodat from a movie no one saw.
- Frank Langella is a likeable Richard Nixon.
- Sean Penn is gay.
- Brad Pitt is a guy who ages backwards. Hard to tell - best actor or best makeup?
- Mickey Rourke is the Ultimate Warrior version of himself.
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke. Sean Penn already has one.
SHOULD WIN: Frank Langella - Is there some reason this guy had no work between being the bad guy in Dave and a more sympathetic version of the same thing in Frost / Nixon?
BIGGEST SNUBS: Clint Eastwood, the dude who played Genghis Khan, Leonardo

BEST ACTRESS:
- Anne Hathway is the obligatory ‘hottie plays damaged drug addict’ nomination
- Angelina Jolie is an angry mom with adoption issues (this is acting) but more literally - lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress” nomination
- Melissa Leo is in a movie no one saw but that was effectively marketed for nominations.
- Meryl Streep demands that all mortals cower before her (and forget Mamma Mia!) She's headed for Daniel Day Lewis "We should name this award after her" territory.
- Kate Winslet is nominated so that it is absolutely clear the we don't like Leo.
WILL WIN: Kate Winslet
SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep
BIGGEST SNUB: Megan Fox for whatever she was in this year. If all you're going to do is nominate hotties, the only reason I see not nominating Ms. Fox is this unfortunate Brian Austin Green episode. Honestly, I'd respect her more if it was Ian Zehring. Or the guy who played Bill S. Preston, Esq.
COMMENT: Given this plus the nominees for best supporting actress, the lecherous old man factor really weighed heavily on this year's voting.

SUPPORTING ACTOR:
- Josh Brolin plays W. killing a gay guy
- Robert Downey Jr. plays Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a black guy for laughs.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman appeared in a film of his own this year.
- Heath Ledger plays a terrifying, unforgettable Joker in what was by far the best film this year.
- Michael Shannon plays a guy in a Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar-vehicle movie, just so it's clear that no one likes Leo.
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger.
SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger. When I first found out he was going to play Joker, I balked. He hadn't impressed me thus far. I was wrong. RIP. Here's hoping whoever gets tabbed for the third film can match - these movies are only as good as their bad guy.
SNUBS: Russell Brand for owning Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Brad Pitt in Burn After Reading
COMMENT: What did Leo do? Deny the Holocaust? Vote Republican? Somebody sign him up for a UN ambassadorship, stat!

SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
- Amy Adams plays Amy Adams in a nun's outfit. You may not have noticed but she actually leaves for about half the film.
- Penelope Cruz made out with Scarlett Johanssen and lecherous voters hope she shows in a hot dress...and makes out with Scarlett Johanssen
- Viola Davis is a troubled black woman in an impossible situation.
- Taraji Henson is a sassy black woman in a pleasant, passably intellectual film
- Marissa Tomei plays herself if she hadn't resuscitated her career after it inexplicably didn't happen...in her birthday suit
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Marissa Tomei, just for laughs. Too bad Jack Palance is dead.
SNUBS: The girl from Transporter 3. Hahahaha!
COMMENT: Funny story about me going to see The Wrestler - the first time Marissa Tomei gets naked (I assume it happens many times) someone pulled the fire alarm and I couldn't see the rest of the movie. I can't decide whether I like the 'someone overheated' theory or the 'someone was religious' theory. Or maybe it was a rogue Lex Luger fan outraged at the thought of him at a strip club.

WORST NOMINATION NOMINEES:
1. The Reader
2. Milk
3. Richard Jenkins
4. Melissa Leo
5. Amy Adams
WINNER IS: The Reader. Inexcusable waste of our time.

TOP 10 INADVERTANT PORN TITLES OF THE YEAR:
1. The Foot Fist Way
2. The Wackness
3. What Just Happened
4. Seven Pounds
5. Over Her Dead Body
6. Tropic Thunder
7. The Express / Pineapple Express
8. Nights in Rodanthe
9. Drillbit Taylor
10. Iron Man

Movies I Wish I'd Seen:
1. Pineapple Express / Zack and Miri Make a Porno / Role Models - Guys...slow down. This is like 5 of these things in one year.
2. Kung Fu Panda
3. Revolutionary Road
4. Yes Man
5. Man on Wire

Biggest Disappointments:
1. Quantum of Solace (see archives for lengthy disappointment)
2. The Forbidden Kingdom - I had the idea for a Jet Li / Jackie Chan 2-hour kung fu spectacular a long time ago. It would be the Heat of martial arts movies. Unfortunately, after the monkey king issue, the kung fu being boiled down to one stale 10 minute fight, and the rampant cribbing from better kung fu movies, this was instead the The Righteous Kill of martial arts movies.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I'm on to Spielberg. This we know. Don't think you can dodge me! That's the only reason this isn't #2. I knew it would be bad.
4. Burn After Reading - I think the Coen Bros. titled this movie appropriately. You're slacking. Don't make me put you on my Spielberg list!
5. Appaloosa - Western w/ Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen...this could be good. It's just not.
6. Tropic Thunder - Besides a few good moments and Robert Downey Jr., this movie is actually not funny.
7. You Don't Mess W/ The Zohan - This is a funny movie but more just ridiculous. I'm beginning to worry that Sandler's too lazy to ever deliver again.

SURPRISINGLY WATCHABLE FILMS
1. Anything with Jason Statham in it. The guy brings his A-game every time. The Bank Job is fun. Transporter 3 is almost self-consciously silly. The actress is so bad you'd think she was trying and characters audibly point out plot holes. So what? So they get killed by the bad guy for doing so. Touche.
2. The Incredible Hulk 2. It didn't totally suck. Also, good to see Tim Roth working.
3. Wanted. The hole 'weaver' thing was so lame that they had to kill everyone at the end so that it could never happen again. So the plot was sequel-bad but the stunts were awesome.
4. Leatherheads - Sue me, this was what I thought it would be. Rene Zellwegger seems to be trying to hit every decade. Am I wrong to think Jennifer Anniston should be getting more of her roles?

TOP 10 MOVIES REGARDLESS OF GENRE:
1. The Dark Knight
2. Mongol
3. Frost / Nixon
4. Iron Man
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Doubt
7. Gran Torino
8. Slumdog Millionaire
9. Wall-E
10. In Bruges
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Hancock, Rock-n-Rolla, Wanted, Leatherheads, Semi-Pro, The Bank Job

TOP TEN STATE FLAGS:

10. Arizona - A stately and appropriate flag which is docked somewhat for it’s vague similarity to the Japanese rising sun flag. Thankfully, Arizona is where the sun sets.

9. Pennsylvania - An old school flag done right and well-drawn






8. Oklahoma - A hat-tip to history plus a peace pipe. Well done.





7. Alaska - For all the awful flags from the Midwest that look like the gubner’s daughter doodled them for arts & crafts, Alaska actually did let the school kids come up with the design and it turned out pretty well - subdued and appropriate.


6. Nevada - Nevada shied away from the butt-ugly drawing and decided to rock the awesome slogan “Battle Born”. The lack of an iconic graphic and the way in which history has taken Nevada in another direction docks it a few points. In retrospect, perhaps the original design was better.

5. New Mexico - Again, it just hits the spot. What better could you do with New Mexico to start with?


4. Virginia - This flag just rocks. It’s liberty stomping on a de-crowned king declaring, “Ever thus to tyrants”. My complaint is that this phrase isn’t prominent enough. But take note lame Vermont flag - you’re sitting on “Live Free or Die”. Think about it.




3. Texas - The lone star is an undeniable icon. But taken in general, it’s kind of plain.



2. California - I’m a homer. I love this flag. I’d like to get it as a sheet set.






1. Ohio - A surprising winner for sure, but the sleek shape, great aesthetic, subtle O, and vague resemblance to an Ohio State Buckeye helmet make this the best in show.

Ranking the State Flags

Much like all states aren't worthy of comment, all state flags aren't either. Without further ado, we start from the worst, note some highlights in the middle, and then get to the best.

Bottom Ten:
50.
Mississippi - Purely aesthetically, it's actually quite pleasing. However, Confederate flag PLUS sideways French flag equals instant fail. For shame sirs.

49. Michigan - There's a lot not to like here. First of all, there's the cartoon non-matching deer. (See Pennsylvania's black stallions for the right way.) Then, there's a weird guy waving hello in the middle. To top it all off, there's WAY too much latin lettering. This is probably to distract you from the extreme lameness of what's written on the bottom, "If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you." Just in case you didn't know where to find a pleasant peninsula.


48. Colorado - I'm confused as to whether this is a state flag or a failed Cubs marketing gig. I can just see the Wrigley company dumping 4,000 of these on Colorado in exchange for what's left of Pedro Astacio.

47. Alabama - Alabama's state flag says, "No you can't." I like that Florida's flag is the same thing plus the state seal with Seminoles and the beach. It's like "Yeah, we'd be Alabama if not for all the cool stuff."

46. New York - Marketing capital of the world...cartoonish drawings? Pastels? The only thing that redeems this totally incongruous wreck is the phrase 'excelsior' - ever upward. Nothing else fits. Back to the drawingboard.



45/44. Delaware/Maine It's a tie for worst Brokeback factor. Delaware guys are checking each other out. Maine guys appear to be two versions of Captain Feathersword from the Wiggles. West Virginia and Wisconsin are just two dudes. New York and New Jersey sport two ladies...hmmmm. In fact, only Idaho has a guy and a girl.

43. Louisiana - Hey Mississippi, if you're ever inspired to drop the stars and bars, allow me to refer you to Louisiana for what not to do, which was to phase it out in favor of a pelican tearing flesh from its breast to feed its young. It also kind of suggests that Louisiana is the welfare state. Also amusing is union (from a slave state), justice (from America's most corrupt state), and...confidence? Here's a clue - a music note. Does that work for everyone?

42. South Dakota - I tried blowing this flag up but it's just as incomprehensible. The state seal appears to be a hand drawing of a grainy photo of a mountain. either that or someone used an etch-a-sketch to draw it.


41. Minnesota - Something about the heartland tells your local state legislature (I'm thinking of you too Illinois and Kansas), "Hey, let's have the governor's daughter draw the state flag in felt pen." I feel like these flags should be on that website where the guy makes fun of children'sdrawings. Minnesota wins out for the yellow fringe border...on three sides of the flag. It's like the kid forgot to color the other part.

SPECIAL AWARDS SECTION:

Idaho - “Best Dig at Another State’s Flag” Remember that goofy Michigan deer? The one on the left? Haha! He’s back.









North Dakota - “Strangest Prop” 1007...1008...1009. Oh, I'm sorry, I was just flexing and sculpting my talons. It's boring but it's part of my life.






Utah - “Most Incongruous Single Word Addition” - Industry? Industry! What is this? Borat's Kazakhstan. I vote that the state flag be changed to this girl’s shirt.





South Carolina - “Poorest Foresight” - Post-Confederacy, SC adopted their local uniform symbol, the crescent moon. Whoops - that symbol of Islam thing must have been a blind-side. That palmetto isn't lessening the imagery.

Wyoming - “Best representation of species depopulation” - You might wonder what went on in Wyoming. There used to be a lot of buffalo. Then they got killed and branded with the state seal!

Maryland - “Miss Congeniality” - Maryland wins hands down at your local state flag jousting contest.

What's Wrong With Bond

Casino Royale was the best Bond movie ever. The idea was "Bond Begins", but in an updated world - no more goophy gadgets, no more ACME villains, no Ms. Moneypenny, and most importantly, replacing an English gentleman Bond for the other side of English society - the new Bond, the blonde Bond, a rugged English street urchin, the sort of brute who starts bar fights, but adopted by the state and adapted for its ends. His womanizing is cruel, and rather than a slinky spy, he is a Bourne-esque action hero. It did what every good Bond movie does - Bond actually cared about the girl and then she betrayed him...and then she died. Best of all, the first movie was alive with possibility - theater-goers sat thinking, "Is this the last Bond ever?" as Bond put in his retirement. Perhaps we should have left it at that.

It always takes 24-hours to figure out why a film with good action still wasn't that good. The action is definitely good...too much so. The first 45 minutes of the film are 3 almost uninterrupted chase sequences. The movie then settles in for the exposition, but is so intent on weaving the political backdrop and tossing in opulent settings that, ultimately, there's no time for what made Casino Royale so good - Bond. Creating a character. Giving him lines. Bond has almost nothing to say in this film - there's nothing that matches the scene where Bond first meets Vesper or where he picks up Caterina Murino. In fact, that's just my problem - it's 24-hours later and I struggle to remember a single line. I still can't figure out why it's called Quantum of Solace either. Daniel Craig says the word, 'quantum' at some point...I just can't remember why. I knew I should have been suspicious when the title was so bad...call it the "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" rule.

This gaffe, the absence of non-action scenes of worth, shove problems upon the film's pace - there's none of the tension of the card game and few moments of levity. Artistically, even the non-action scenes are cut as action scenes, ruining the iconic images that make a Bond film - the director has dreamed up a few such images, such as a woman killed and covered in oil, but barely leaves this image on the screen long enough for it to register before it's wisked away by the mandatory 6-seconds-or-less cuts of modern film making. The settings are so gorgeous, truly the film's strong point, that this is a great disservice - I'd love to have far more moments with the stills drawn out...it would help slowdown the frenetic pace of the action if nothing else.

The music-video action overload would be fine if the political backdrop spliced in were enough...but it's not. The politics are the standard Hollywood world evinced in the gamut of good to bad movies (Iron Man to The Shooter) - the bad guys are corporations backed by America, this time with a cute environmental twist. The 'blunt instrument' Bond of the first film is now a snide commentator on US policy in Latin America. Salt in a crude parable of the recent election, and voila, you've wasted 30 minutes of what should have been a better film.

This effort undermines the film in a variety of ways. First of all, it takes Bond completely out of character - Bond has always been a patriot and an imperialist, so this turn is unexplained and off-key. When did Bond get this way and why? The reason there isn't an answer is probably simple enough - it's the writer/director talking through his character; the mark of an amateur.

Worse, as is always the case when a film mistakes politics for depth, no matter how subtlely-laid out the political web is, it's still only a few minutes here and there of throwing in the standard 'non-standard' thought of our time. It merely confuses the audience that came for the action whereas those who know something about foreign policy sit in the audience rolling their eyes at yet another trite, flesh-toned if not pinko rant.

The political turn might have worked better if it had done what Dark Knight did - which is to address the headlines rather than the international news on page A6. Blonde Bond is certainly current but remains irrelevant. This Bond was trotted all over the globe working Europe, Central and South America, Russia, Africa...yet the Middle East and Islamic extremism remains a bridge too far. Ian Fleming's Bond worked on the Cold War because that's what was going on. Apparently the modern Bond hasn't graduated to working the important issues yet.

In this, the writer has made the classic Lethal Weapon PC cop-out. For those who forget, four Lethal Weapons got made about the drug business in Los Angeles in the 80's and 90's and yet not a single one involved a Latino or African-American gang as the ultimate villain. White guys in suits were running everything. This involves a certain racist animus - is it not a little insulting to suggest that inevitably white people run everything? At a certain point, this strains credulity. So how long is Bond going to remain on the B Team? Is Bond and his coterie of Bond girls too sexy for the modern Middle East or the filmmakers too craven?

The real problem, though, with all the political narrative is that it gets us away from what this Bond should have been about - Bond. The Bond at the end of the last film was deeply wounded. All of the build-up to this film suggested it was about that damaged Bond. Perhaps it is - I wouldn't know because he has about as many lines as Bill Paxton in Twister. There's almost nothing to Bond's relationship with the curiously half-Russian Bolivian girl, who ends up sitting in as little more than accented eye candy. Compared to the previous film, which had two far richer and more interesting females, the whole range of possiblities involving Bond and trust issues and the rumored 'dark, vengeance seeking' Bond are absent. Characters carried over from the previous film, like Felix Lighter, become wildly different characters with almost nothing to act as the bridge. A revenge scene drops upon us at the end and we're quits.

So what we get is a series of action sequences of varying quality plus a couple of babes and a few good lines. It's just like the old, mediocre Bond...plus better action but minus all the stuff that used to make it Bond. So, in the end, it's just another action movie. Viewed from that lens, it's nice enough, but the first movie raised so many possibilities. Would this film reintroduce darker versions of Bond staples? No. Would this film delve deeper into who Bond is, how he got that way, or how he becomes a more recognizable Bond? Not really. Plot-wise, it builds seemlessly on the previous film - in tone, artistry, and character development is adds a squirt of cheese-in-a-can.

For all the talk that the narrative of Quantum of Solace suggests a trilogy, this film feels more like the recent underwhelming 3rd films of other notable trilogies (Star Wars, Pirates of the Carribean, Spider Man) - overloaded with expensive action and drawn out exposition, empty of the charm that made the previous film(s) better.

Here's hoping that any 'trilogy' film takes the series in some other direction than backwards.

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