MY TOP 10:
1. 50/50 - Summer release kills award chances of year’s best film.
2. Margin Call – If only it knew how to end…same could be said of sluggish economy.
3. The Guard – The Irish may be funnier than the Brits
4. Fast Five – The Rock was the right choice
5. Warrior – I’m a sucker for boxing and fight movies. Intense, well-acted.
6. X Men: First Class – Nazis were the right choice.
7. Battle: Los Angeles – Movie reviewers carped about how this was a mindless action flick with no spark or art. Under the hood is a parable about the burden of command. Critics have never led, thus the meaning is lost on them. The lesson is – people should live and write on the side. When you write for a living, you never live, and by-the-by, you never write anything worthwhile about living. Hence why writers write about writers; they don’t know anything else, and they certainly don’t know how to live.
8. Attack the Block - While Steven Speilberg was busy lending his name to another “reunite the family” homage to the 80’s version of himself, here specifically Close Encounters, someone in England was making an alien invasion flick with something meaningful and funny in it. A decade from now, Super 8 will be another over-hyped Spielberg project that fizzled and was forgotten. Attack the Block will be a cult classic.
9. The Artist – It’s 15 minutes too long in the sad part and 15 minutes too short in the happy part.
10. The Adventures of Tintin – Spielberg at his best. I never grew up with Tin Tin, I was beat tired when I went to the theater for this, but I have to admit, it knocked it out of the park.
AND THE NEXT 5:
11. Scre4m – A lesson in why it’s worthwhile to let a franchise breath a bit. As good as the first.
12. Bridesmaids – Not as funny as everyone remembers, but still funny. I’d been waiting for Kristin Wiig to blow up ever since she stole all of her scenes in Knocked Up.
13. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – It felt rushed to kill Moriarty already but whatever.
14. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – Some great set pieces around a silly plot
15. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – The bar was so low.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
OSCARS PREVIEW: HEADLINERS
Actress in a Supporting Role
Bérénice Bejo in "The Artist" – That beauty mark was a nice touch
Jessica Chastain in "The Help" – Is the foil – Worst Nomination Nominee
Melissa McCarthy in "Bridesmaids" – Is hilarious
Janet McTeer in "Albert Nobbs" – Is British in a weak year – Worst Nomination Nominee
Octavia Spencer in "The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies.
WILL WIN: Octavia Spencer
SHOULD WIN: Melissa McCarthy
BIGGEST SNUB: Amy Adams – the Muppet movie
To be fair, Bejo and Spencer would be deserving winners. But personally, McCarthy carried most of Bridesmaids between its weaker sections. I think comedy deserves more credit because it’s less scripted. I always prefer someone who made me laugh.
The Meryl Streep Award for Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs" – Damn the British – Worst Nominee Nominee
Viola Davis in "The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies.
Rooney Mara in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" – Probably caught too much flack for not being the girl who originated the part. Let no one say she’s not deserving
Meryl Streep in "The Iron Lady" – Made a drama this year
Michelle Williams in "My Week with Marilyn" – Pretended to be Marilyn Monroe – Worst Nomination Nominee
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Viola Davis
BIGGEST SNUB: Vera Fermiga – Higher Ground
The funny thing is, if there weren’t a TV version of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, this might be a different race. Instead, Rooney Mara is forever in Noomi Rapace’s shadow. The Thatcher bio wasn’t beloved enough to win anything. An impression is not acting, especially if it’s not a very good one. That makes this race fairly simple.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Kenneth Branagh in "My Week with Marilyn" – We may be renaming this category after him
Jonah Hill in "Moneyball" – Plays a pretty buttoned-down fictional character in a biopic – WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE
Nick Nolte in "Warrior" – Blurs the line between acting and just being himself with someone else writing the lines
Christopher Plummer in "Beginners" – Obligatory gay film nomination
Max von Sydow in "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" – Thanks to The Artist, it was a good year to have a lot of screen time and no lines
WILL WIN: Christopher Plummer
SHOULD WIN: Jeremy Irons
BIGGEST SNUB: Jeremy Irons – Margin Call, Jeremy Stoll – Midnight in Paris
Being seemingly English (actually Canadian), old, award-less, and playing a gay guy is what we call “hitting for the cycle.” That said, the truth is that Jeremy Irons helicopters into Margin Call and turns it into a classic. Why our time is being wasted with Jonah Hill instead is anyone’s guess.
DDL Award Actor in a Leading Role
Demián Bichir in "A Better Life" – Because this category would be too white otherwise. WORST NOMINEE NOMINEE
George Clooney in "The Descendants" – Continues to soul search in low box office films, and then awkwardly stares into the camera while the credits roll. What a strange signature. At least his ego is in check – a movie about a woman leaving George Clooney for Matthew Lillard. Hmmmmm…ladies, is that as implausible as it seems from a distance?
Jean Dujardin in "The Artist" – Ohhhhhh, that’s why he can’t do talkies
Gary Oldman in "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" – Is the best we’ve got when DDL’s cobbling shoes
Brad Pitt in "Moneyball" – Is Billy Beane, giving up my beloved A’s secret to success
WILL WIN: Jean Dujardin
SHOULD WIN: Brad Pitt
BIGGEST SNUB: Brendan Gleeson – The Guard; Joseph Gordon-Levitt – 50/50
Given that my sister was part of the Moneyball revolution and I’ve been a die-hard A’s fan all along, I feel too close to the material to fairly evaluate Moneyball as a movie. But Brad Pitt makes good movies because he’s a good actor. I narrowly give him the nod over Dujardin because he has dialogue and no help.
Directing
"The Artist" Michel Hazanavicius – Rookie opens with loving homage to old cinema
"The Descendants" Alexander Payne – Because George Clooney said so.
"Hugo" Martin Scorsese – Scorsese’s 3D movie is a visual masterpiece, and a loving homage to old cinema
"Midnight in Paris" Woody Allen – Keeps his neurosis in check
"The Tree of Life" Terrence Malick – Lets his neurosis run wild
WILL WIN: Michel Hazanavicius
SHOULD WIN: Martin Scorsese
I would agree with The Artist, except it’s 15 minutes too long in the sad part, and I can’t see how the Director didn’t see that. Hugo is an OK movie, but a masterful directorial accomplishment.
Best Picture
"The Artist" – A silent film about silent films. I'm not too jaded for that. Behind the gimmick, there’s some art and some great scenes
"The Descendants" – I’m not feeling the tonal dissonance in this “trouble in paradise” Clooney vehicle. I’ve come to wonder a) if Clooney enjoys making movies, and b) if so, why does he make so many joyless ones? It’s too bad Heath Ledger’s Joker can’t crash the awful Clooney Batman and ask him, “WHY SO SERIOUS?”
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" – Not a bad stab at a 9/11 movie. The Larry Crowne stink was still on Tom Hanks.
"The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies. Someone's going to figure out how to streaming me everything I want at some point soon.
"Hugo" – Scorcese’s 3D movie winds its way toward something similar to The Artist’s conclusion. A visual treat, but I admit to being epically bored at times, kept awake only by being mildly curious as to what Sasha Baron Cohen was doing in the movie.
"Midnight in Paris" – I guess we should always celebrate it when Woody Allen makes a watchable movie. In this case, it seems it was so that he could indulge this intellectual conceit about golden age nostalgia. It was good to see Owen Wilson in good spirits, and this was a good Hemingway. I’m more troubled by what might have been – this felt like a Fellini concept put in the wrong hands. There was potential for something greater, with a few better crafted artistic touches, a little more of the adventures in old Paris, and a little less of the successfully tedious Rachel McAdams and the cheap shots at her straw man conservative parents, which will date the movie badly. We need a Hemingway biopic, preferably by Wes Anderson.
"Moneyball" – I’m a life-long never-die A’s fan. This movie ripped open old wounds from the last time we were good, and robbed of a shot at a title by a few bad breaks. That these breaks went in favor of New York in Boston remains a notch against the notion of a just and loving God. It was odd to see them try to shrink a movie about an idea that unfolded over many seasons into just one, to do so while inventing someone else to stand in for Paul DiPodesta, and to tell the story of the Oakland A’s without focusing on any of the best players from that team. Anyhow, I can’t fairly evaluate this film because I keep replaying Jermaine Dye fouling the ball off his leg and Miguel Tejada being interfered with rounding 3rd base. Don’t bring up Eric Byrnes. Don’t do it.
"The Tree of Life" – If you don’t have ADD, Terence Malik movies can cast a spell on you if you’re in the right mood. If you do have ADD, they are boring. Really, really boring. This movie had the feel of being extremely personal. Indeed, some internet research shows that it is fairly autobiographical. I’m uncomfortable staring into peoples lives like that.
"War Horse" – The horse’s name is Joey? That’s the stupidest name for a horse I’ve ever heard. Why not Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shoobadoo? I’ll credit Spielberg for somehow finding a lead actor who both looks like Tom Brady and sparked the girl sitting behind me to giggle for 2 hours and loudly suggest that he had to be a virgin. Not without reason; the kid escapes World War 1 as naïve and rurally virtuous as he started. In so doing, Spielberg botches the whole movie. The concept was there – make a horse movie, use a horse to tell the story of World War 1. Horse movies, first and foremost, are about how beautiful horses are. And there’s plenty of that in the beginning. As the movie proceeds, we get a few Spielberg trademark “tell me don’t show me” lectures, a few great scenes like the No-Man’s Land horse rescue, and the rest seemingly farmed out to the interns. Then, Spielberg ruins the ending to give us schmarmy Hollywood crappolla and return to the same story he’s always told: reunite the family, this time in bucoloic rural England. But that’s not what World War 1 was about. World War 1 was about ripping to shreds rural romanticism. World War 1 was about families and societies gutted and destroyed. It wasn’t about going off to war and coming home to the farm; it was about going off to war and coming home to a different world, if you came home at all. This botch defaces the movie. The irony is that, if we had to nominate Spielberg, we should have nominated him for what he’s good at – the Tin Tin movie. I never read the comics as a kid, I saw this movie when I was beat tired and ready to go to sleep, and I generally hate Spielberg and all he’s come to stand for; in other words, I had no reason to like this movie. I can’t lie – it rocked. It was non-stop fun. That may not win awards, but it’s what Spielberg does well.
WILL WIN: The Artist
SHOULD WIN: 50/50
BIGGEST SNUB: 50/50
BIGGEST SNUB:
- 50/50 – Best Screenplay
- 50/50 – Best Film
- The Interrupters – Best Documentary Feature
- Pixar’s Movie – Best Animated Feature
- Amy Adams – Actress in a Supporting Role – The Muppets
- Vera Farmiga – Actress – Higher Ground (This movie is abysmal. But she’s getting up to Meryl Streep level.)
- Jeremy Irons – Actor in a Supporting Role – Margin Call – The most memorable performance this year
- Jeremy Stoll – Actor in a Supporting Role – Midnight in Paris – We could use a full Hemingway biopic. I think DiCaprio’s available.
- Brendan Gleeson – Actor – The Guard
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Actor – 50/50
WINNER: Jeremy Irons
WORST NOMINATION:
- Jessica Chastain in "The Help"
- Janet McTeer in "Albert Nobbs"
- Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs"
- Jonah Hill in "Moneyball"
- Demián Bichir in "A Better Life"
WINNER: Jonah Hill – Not much of an actor, not much of a role
Actress in a Supporting Role
Bérénice Bejo in "The Artist" – That beauty mark was a nice touch
Jessica Chastain in "The Help" – Is the foil – Worst Nomination Nominee
Melissa McCarthy in "Bridesmaids" – Is hilarious
Janet McTeer in "Albert Nobbs" – Is British in a weak year – Worst Nomination Nominee
Octavia Spencer in "The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies.
WILL WIN: Octavia Spencer
SHOULD WIN: Melissa McCarthy
BIGGEST SNUB: Amy Adams – the Muppet movie
To be fair, Bejo and Spencer would be deserving winners. But personally, McCarthy carried most of Bridesmaids between its weaker sections. I think comedy deserves more credit because it’s less scripted. I always prefer someone who made me laugh.
The Meryl Streep Award for Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs" – Damn the British – Worst Nominee Nominee
Viola Davis in "The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies.
Rooney Mara in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" – Probably caught too much flack for not being the girl who originated the part. Let no one say she’s not deserving
Meryl Streep in "The Iron Lady" – Made a drama this year
Michelle Williams in "My Week with Marilyn" – Pretended to be Marilyn Monroe – Worst Nomination Nominee
WILL WIN: Viola Davis
SHOULD WIN: Viola Davis
BIGGEST SNUB: Vera Fermiga – Higher Ground
The funny thing is, if there weren’t a TV version of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, this might be a different race. Instead, Rooney Mara is forever in Noomi Rapace’s shadow. The Thatcher bio wasn’t beloved enough to win anything. An impression is not acting, especially if it’s not a very good one. That makes this race fairly simple.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Kenneth Branagh in "My Week with Marilyn" – We may be renaming this category after him
Jonah Hill in "Moneyball" – Plays a pretty buttoned-down fictional character in a biopic – WORST NOMINATION NOMINEE
Nick Nolte in "Warrior" – Blurs the line between acting and just being himself with someone else writing the lines
Christopher Plummer in "Beginners" – Obligatory gay film nomination
Max von Sydow in "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" – Thanks to The Artist, it was a good year to have a lot of screen time and no lines
WILL WIN: Christopher Plummer
SHOULD WIN: Jeremy Irons
BIGGEST SNUB: Jeremy Irons – Margin Call, Jeremy Stoll – Midnight in Paris
Being seemingly English (actually Canadian), old, award-less, and playing a gay guy is what we call “hitting for the cycle.” That said, the truth is that Jeremy Irons helicopters into Margin Call and turns it into a classic. Why our time is being wasted with Jonah Hill instead is anyone’s guess.
DDL Award Actor in a Leading Role
Demián Bichir in "A Better Life" – Because this category would be too white otherwise. WORST NOMINEE NOMINEE
George Clooney in "The Descendants" – Continues to soul search in low box office films, and then awkwardly stares into the camera while the credits roll. What a strange signature. At least his ego is in check – a movie about a woman leaving George Clooney for Matthew Lillard. Hmmmmm…ladies, is that as implausible as it seems from a distance?
Jean Dujardin in "The Artist" – Ohhhhhh, that’s why he can’t do talkies
Gary Oldman in "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" – Is the best we’ve got when DDL’s cobbling shoes
Brad Pitt in "Moneyball" – Is Billy Beane, giving up my beloved A’s secret to success
WILL WIN: Jean Dujardin
SHOULD WIN: Brad Pitt
BIGGEST SNUB: Brendan Gleeson – The Guard; Joseph Gordon-Levitt – 50/50
Given that my sister was part of the Moneyball revolution and I’ve been a die-hard A’s fan all along, I feel too close to the material to fairly evaluate Moneyball as a movie. But Brad Pitt makes good movies because he’s a good actor. I narrowly give him the nod over Dujardin because he has dialogue and no help.
Directing
"The Artist" Michel Hazanavicius – Rookie opens with loving homage to old cinema
"The Descendants" Alexander Payne – Because George Clooney said so.
"Hugo" Martin Scorsese – Scorsese’s 3D movie is a visual masterpiece, and a loving homage to old cinema
"Midnight in Paris" Woody Allen – Keeps his neurosis in check
"The Tree of Life" Terrence Malick – Lets his neurosis run wild
WILL WIN: Michel Hazanavicius
SHOULD WIN: Martin Scorsese
I would agree with The Artist, except it’s 15 minutes too long in the sad part, and I can’t see how the Director didn’t see that. Hugo is an OK movie, but a masterful directorial accomplishment.
Best Picture
"The Artist" – A silent film about silent films. I'm not too jaded for that. Behind the gimmick, there’s some art and some great scenes
"The Descendants" – I’m not feeling the tonal dissonance in this “trouble in paradise” Clooney vehicle. I’ve come to wonder a) if Clooney enjoys making movies, and b) if so, why does he make so many joyless ones? It’s too bad Heath Ledger’s Joker can’t crash the awful Clooney Batman and ask him, “WHY SO SERIOUS?”
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" – Not a bad stab at a 9/11 movie. The Larry Crowne stink was still on Tom Hanks.
"The Help" – Netflix didn’t buy enough copies. Someone's going to figure out how to streaming me everything I want at some point soon.
"Hugo" – Scorcese’s 3D movie winds its way toward something similar to The Artist’s conclusion. A visual treat, but I admit to being epically bored at times, kept awake only by being mildly curious as to what Sasha Baron Cohen was doing in the movie.
"Midnight in Paris" – I guess we should always celebrate it when Woody Allen makes a watchable movie. In this case, it seems it was so that he could indulge this intellectual conceit about golden age nostalgia. It was good to see Owen Wilson in good spirits, and this was a good Hemingway. I’m more troubled by what might have been – this felt like a Fellini concept put in the wrong hands. There was potential for something greater, with a few better crafted artistic touches, a little more of the adventures in old Paris, and a little less of the successfully tedious Rachel McAdams and the cheap shots at her straw man conservative parents, which will date the movie badly. We need a Hemingway biopic, preferably by Wes Anderson.
"Moneyball" – I’m a life-long never-die A’s fan. This movie ripped open old wounds from the last time we were good, and robbed of a shot at a title by a few bad breaks. That these breaks went in favor of New York in Boston remains a notch against the notion of a just and loving God. It was odd to see them try to shrink a movie about an idea that unfolded over many seasons into just one, to do so while inventing someone else to stand in for Paul DiPodesta, and to tell the story of the Oakland A’s without focusing on any of the best players from that team. Anyhow, I can’t fairly evaluate this film because I keep replaying Jermaine Dye fouling the ball off his leg and Miguel Tejada being interfered with rounding 3rd base. Don’t bring up Eric Byrnes. Don’t do it.
"The Tree of Life" – If you don’t have ADD, Terence Malik movies can cast a spell on you if you’re in the right mood. If you do have ADD, they are boring. Really, really boring. This movie had the feel of being extremely personal. Indeed, some internet research shows that it is fairly autobiographical. I’m uncomfortable staring into peoples lives like that.
"War Horse" – The horse’s name is Joey? That’s the stupidest name for a horse I’ve ever heard. Why not Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shoobadoo? I’ll credit Spielberg for somehow finding a lead actor who both looks like Tom Brady and sparked the girl sitting behind me to giggle for 2 hours and loudly suggest that he had to be a virgin. Not without reason; the kid escapes World War 1 as naïve and rurally virtuous as he started. In so doing, Spielberg botches the whole movie. The concept was there – make a horse movie, use a horse to tell the story of World War 1. Horse movies, first and foremost, are about how beautiful horses are. And there’s plenty of that in the beginning. As the movie proceeds, we get a few Spielberg trademark “tell me don’t show me” lectures, a few great scenes like the No-Man’s Land horse rescue, and the rest seemingly farmed out to the interns. Then, Spielberg ruins the ending to give us schmarmy Hollywood crappolla and return to the same story he’s always told: reunite the family, this time in bucoloic rural England. But that’s not what World War 1 was about. World War 1 was about ripping to shreds rural romanticism. World War 1 was about families and societies gutted and destroyed. It wasn’t about going off to war and coming home to the farm; it was about going off to war and coming home to a different world, if you came home at all. This botch defaces the movie. The irony is that, if we had to nominate Spielberg, we should have nominated him for what he’s good at – the Tin Tin movie. I never read the comics as a kid, I saw this movie when I was beat tired and ready to go to sleep, and I generally hate Spielberg and all he’s come to stand for; in other words, I had no reason to like this movie. I can’t lie – it rocked. It was non-stop fun. That may not win awards, but it’s what Spielberg does well.
WILL WIN: The Artist
SHOULD WIN: 50/50
BIGGEST SNUB: 50/50
BIGGEST SNUB:
- 50/50 – Best Screenplay
- 50/50 – Best Film
- The Interrupters – Best Documentary Feature
- Pixar’s Movie – Best Animated Feature
- Amy Adams – Actress in a Supporting Role – The Muppets
- Vera Farmiga – Actress – Higher Ground (This movie is abysmal. But she’s getting up to Meryl Streep level.)
- Jeremy Irons – Actor in a Supporting Role – Margin Call – The most memorable performance this year
- Jeremy Stoll – Actor in a Supporting Role – Midnight in Paris – We could use a full Hemingway biopic. I think DiCaprio’s available.
- Brendan Gleeson – Actor – The Guard
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Actor – 50/50
WINNER: Jeremy Irons
WORST NOMINATION:
- Jessica Chastain in "The Help"
- Janet McTeer in "Albert Nobbs"
- Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs"
- Jonah Hill in "Moneyball"
- Demián Bichir in "A Better Life"
WINNER: Jonah Hill – Not much of an actor, not much of a role
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Oscars Preview: The Other Awards
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
"The Descendants" Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
"Hugo" Screenplay by John Logan
"The Ides of March" Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
"Moneyball" Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" Screenplay by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan
WILL WIN: The Descendants
SHOULD WIN: Hugo
COMMENT: Tinker Tailor and Moneyball probably don't do their source material justice.
Writing (Original Screenplay)
"The Artist" Written by Michel Hazanavicius
"Bridesmaids" Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
"Margin Call" Written by J.C. Chandor
"Midnight in Paris" Written by Woody Allen
"A Separation" Written by Asghar Farhadi
WILL WIN: Midnight in Paris
SHOULD WIN: Margin Call
BIGGEST SNUB: 50/50
I refuse to believe that a movie with no dialogue can win. That leaves us with Woody Allen most likely taking home an award for a somewhat movie that strays into cookie-cutter territory. I’d like to put in a word for Margin Call – I thought the prose was electric. Jeremy Irons’ first scene was the best thing anyone wrote this year.
The Pixar Award for Best Animated Feature Film
"A Cat in Paris" Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
"Chico & Rita" Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
"Kung Fu Panda 2" Jennifer Yuh Nelson
"Puss in Boots" Chris Miller
"Rango" Gore Verbinski
WILL WIN: A Cat in Paris
SHOULD WIN: None
BIGGEST SNUB: Cars 2
This award was created because Pixar kept getting the shaft. Now that Pixar looks like it’s been Disnefied into genial blandness, this category becomes an albatross. The only way an embarrassed Hollywood can save it is to give it to the French.
Cinematography
"The Artist" Guillaume Schiffman
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Jeff Cronenweth
"Hugo" Robert Richardson
"The Tree of Life" Emmanuel Lubezki
"War Horse" Janusz Kaminski
WILL WIN: Hugo
SHOULD WIN: Hugo
I figure it should be all the more obvious that Hugo was the most impressive piece of visual art, whereas The Artist is the better movie.
Music (Original Score)
"The Adventures of Tintin" John Williams
"The Artist" Ludovic Bource
"Hugo" Howard Shore
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" Alberto Iglesias
"War Horse" John Williams
WILL WIN: The Artist
SHOULD WIN: Tree of Life
OK, so it’s not fair that Tree of Life’s score is actually just lesser known classical music. Lacrimosa was a find; best stuff I heard this year. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmnYqKl1LzE
Music (Original Song)
"Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets"
"Real in Rio" from "Rio"
WILL WIN: Man or Muppet
SHOULD WIN: Removing this award
The nature of the music in movies business has changed. Movies are vehicles to sell existing singles. Let’s stop pretending.
Documentary (Feature) / Propaganda Film
"Hell and Back Again" Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner
"If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front" Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman
"Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory" Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
"Pina" Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel
"Undefeated" TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas
WILL WIN: No idea
SHOULD WIN: No idea
BIGGEST SNUB: The Interrupters
I’m admittedly intrigued by the notion of a documentary trilogy…but then again, I guess that’s what Ken Burns does x10. The people who made Hoop Dreams, and who got nothing, made The Interrupters so they should get something, even if it’s not that good.
The George Lucas “Non-Art Movies” Visual Effects AWARD
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2"
"Hugo"
"Real Steel"
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon"
WILL WIN: Hugo
SHOULD WIN: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Hugo will win to up its award total, and not without merit. But strictly on the terms of the category, Michael Bay’s the reigning king of this award, it’s just that everyone hates him for being so unapologetic about it.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
"The Descendants" Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
"Hugo" Screenplay by John Logan
"The Ides of March" Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
"Moneyball" Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" Screenplay by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan
WILL WIN: The Descendants
SHOULD WIN: Hugo
COMMENT: Tinker Tailor and Moneyball probably don't do their source material justice.
Writing (Original Screenplay)
"The Artist" Written by Michel Hazanavicius
"Bridesmaids" Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
"Margin Call" Written by J.C. Chandor
"Midnight in Paris" Written by Woody Allen
"A Separation" Written by Asghar Farhadi
WILL WIN: Midnight in Paris
SHOULD WIN: Margin Call
BIGGEST SNUB: 50/50
I refuse to believe that a movie with no dialogue can win. That leaves us with Woody Allen most likely taking home an award for a somewhat movie that strays into cookie-cutter territory. I’d like to put in a word for Margin Call – I thought the prose was electric. Jeremy Irons’ first scene was the best thing anyone wrote this year.
The Pixar Award for Best Animated Feature Film
"A Cat in Paris" Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
"Chico & Rita" Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
"Kung Fu Panda 2" Jennifer Yuh Nelson
"Puss in Boots" Chris Miller
"Rango" Gore Verbinski
WILL WIN: A Cat in Paris
SHOULD WIN: None
BIGGEST SNUB: Cars 2
This award was created because Pixar kept getting the shaft. Now that Pixar looks like it’s been Disnefied into genial blandness, this category becomes an albatross. The only way an embarrassed Hollywood can save it is to give it to the French.
Cinematography
"The Artist" Guillaume Schiffman
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Jeff Cronenweth
"Hugo" Robert Richardson
"The Tree of Life" Emmanuel Lubezki
"War Horse" Janusz Kaminski
WILL WIN: Hugo
SHOULD WIN: Hugo
I figure it should be all the more obvious that Hugo was the most impressive piece of visual art, whereas The Artist is the better movie.
Music (Original Score)
"The Adventures of Tintin" John Williams
"The Artist" Ludovic Bource
"Hugo" Howard Shore
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" Alberto Iglesias
"War Horse" John Williams
WILL WIN: The Artist
SHOULD WIN: Tree of Life
OK, so it’s not fair that Tree of Life’s score is actually just lesser known classical music. Lacrimosa was a find; best stuff I heard this year. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmnYqKl1LzE
Music (Original Song)
"Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets"
"Real in Rio" from "Rio"
WILL WIN: Man or Muppet
SHOULD WIN: Removing this award
The nature of the music in movies business has changed. Movies are vehicles to sell existing singles. Let’s stop pretending.
Documentary (Feature) / Propaganda Film
"Hell and Back Again" Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner
"If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front" Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman
"Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory" Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
"Pina" Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel
"Undefeated" TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas
WILL WIN: No idea
SHOULD WIN: No idea
BIGGEST SNUB: The Interrupters
I’m admittedly intrigued by the notion of a documentary trilogy…but then again, I guess that’s what Ken Burns does x10. The people who made Hoop Dreams, and who got nothing, made The Interrupters so they should get something, even if it’s not that good.
The George Lucas “Non-Art Movies” Visual Effects AWARD
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2"
"Hugo"
"Real Steel"
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon"
WILL WIN: Hugo
SHOULD WIN: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Hugo will win to up its award total, and not without merit. But strictly on the terms of the category, Michael Bay’s the reigning king of this award, it’s just that everyone hates him for being so unapologetic about it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
BEST INADVERTANT PORN TITLES:
1. Sarah Palin – You Betcha!
2. Justin Beiber: Never Say Never
3. I Don’t Know How She Does It
4. A Good Way to Die
5. Jumping the Broom
6. In the Land of Blood and Honey
7. Back Door Channels
8. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
9. HappyThankYouMorePlease
10. I Am Number Four
11. If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle
12. Now & Later
13. Louder than a Bomb
14. Rejoice and Shout
15. Fading of the Cries
16. Kaboom
17. Deep Gold
18. Magic Trip
19. 30 Minutes or Less
20. Balls to the Wall
THE BET:
Thor vs. Captain America (Green Lantern)
I would like to revel in narrowly defeating my friend in a bet over which movie would make more money – Thor or Captain America. I let him chose Captain America, but I always would have gone with Thor. I figured, by the time Marvel started making Captain America, they would be in full “Just get us to The Avengers” mode. Sure enough, the film is 20 minutes too short and wastes Hugo Weaving’s time as what could have been a cool bad guy.
BEST EVIDENCE THAT WE SHOULDN’T COMPLAIN THAT DEMOCRATS RUN THE FILM INDUSTRY:
Atlas Shrugged Part 1
This movie got a lot of play in conservative media because Libertarians don’t necessarily realize that Ayn Rand is a shabby little fascist with a rape fetish. It’s fine. First things first, The Fountainhead is the better book. It’s got her trademark big character archetypes, a compelling vision, and it doesn’t matter who you are, you come out of reading it ready to light the world on fire. It’s less pedantic, too, which helps. Atlas Shrugged is a shitty book. The philosophy ignores basic economics, and no one has ever argued that Rand was a great prose stylist.
Regardless, worse books have become good movies. The point is, I wanted to like this movie because it would be nice to have something to balance out the steady drumbeat of tedious leftist social issues movies like Cider House Rules and John Q.
Unfortunately, this film is unlikable, and it’s galling that there will be more of it. As I said, what Rand has going for her is the soaring ego of her characters. This film should be an actors’ paradise. Instead, the filmmakers have located the most-wooden, straight-to-youtube acting troop since The Room. (I reference that only to drop this great The Room scene on you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ4KzClb1C4). With a script that reads straight from the talk radio back-up guest host playbook, we’re left to lament what might have been.
The funny thing is, Hollywood did slip in a ridiculously conservative social issues movie without realizing it: Bad Teacher. Tune out the unfortunately occasional funniness and trace the plot: this film is Waiting for Superman in the guise of a comedy. If Bad Teacher had actually succeeded in being funny and entertaining, someone else might have noticed this too. I feel like I’m that guy who played The White Album backwards and found out that Paul was dead…except for it was a The Move Greatest Hits album, and the message was “This is your brain on drugs.”
1. Sarah Palin – You Betcha!
2. Justin Beiber: Never Say Never
3. I Don’t Know How She Does It
4. A Good Way to Die
5. Jumping the Broom
6. In the Land of Blood and Honey
7. Back Door Channels
8. Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop
9. HappyThankYouMorePlease
10. I Am Number Four
11. If I Want to Whistle, I Whistle
12. Now & Later
13. Louder than a Bomb
14. Rejoice and Shout
15. Fading of the Cries
16. Kaboom
17. Deep Gold
18. Magic Trip
19. 30 Minutes or Less
20. Balls to the Wall
THE BET:
Thor vs. Captain America (Green Lantern)
I would like to revel in narrowly defeating my friend in a bet over which movie would make more money – Thor or Captain America. I let him chose Captain America, but I always would have gone with Thor. I figured, by the time Marvel started making Captain America, they would be in full “Just get us to The Avengers” mode. Sure enough, the film is 20 minutes too short and wastes Hugo Weaving’s time as what could have been a cool bad guy.
BEST EVIDENCE THAT WE SHOULDN’T COMPLAIN THAT DEMOCRATS RUN THE FILM INDUSTRY:
Atlas Shrugged Part 1
This movie got a lot of play in conservative media because Libertarians don’t necessarily realize that Ayn Rand is a shabby little fascist with a rape fetish. It’s fine. First things first, The Fountainhead is the better book. It’s got her trademark big character archetypes, a compelling vision, and it doesn’t matter who you are, you come out of reading it ready to light the world on fire. It’s less pedantic, too, which helps. Atlas Shrugged is a shitty book. The philosophy ignores basic economics, and no one has ever argued that Rand was a great prose stylist.
Regardless, worse books have become good movies. The point is, I wanted to like this movie because it would be nice to have something to balance out the steady drumbeat of tedious leftist social issues movies like Cider House Rules and John Q.
Unfortunately, this film is unlikable, and it’s galling that there will be more of it. As I said, what Rand has going for her is the soaring ego of her characters. This film should be an actors’ paradise. Instead, the filmmakers have located the most-wooden, straight-to-youtube acting troop since The Room. (I reference that only to drop this great The Room scene on you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ4KzClb1C4). With a script that reads straight from the talk radio back-up guest host playbook, we’re left to lament what might have been.
The funny thing is, Hollywood did slip in a ridiculously conservative social issues movie without realizing it: Bad Teacher. Tune out the unfortunately occasional funniness and trace the plot: this film is Waiting for Superman in the guise of a comedy. If Bad Teacher had actually succeeded in being funny and entertaining, someone else might have noticed this too. I feel like I’m that guy who played The White Album backwards and found out that Paul was dead…except for it was a The Move Greatest Hits album, and the message was “This is your brain on drugs.”
Thursday, February 16, 2012
THE BANALITY OF MODERN AMERICAN CHILDHOOD:
It’s hard to argue for bourgeoisie values – the counter-culture is the culture. Perhaps a cynical, self-referential generation that was allowed to watch David Bowie freak them out in Labyrinth hopes to vaccinate their children from counter culture with the Rebecca Blacks and Selena Gomezes of the world. Unlike with real vaccines, this year in children's films may actually cause autism. I watched the Winnie the Pooh movie. Literally nothing happens. By the end, I was counting cards and obsessed with the Beatles. And I no longer liked Tigger.
When I look out into the Occupy movement, the Tea Party, and everyone in between, I have to hope that one thing unites us all…that underneath the dreadlocks on the self-proclaimed vanguard of the 99% as well as under the Axe-hair sprayed uber-douche ‘do of the elusive 1%, there is a cry welling up in all Americans, and that one day, we will all cry in unison, “No mo’ Gnomeo”
Gnomeo & Juliet
Mars Needs Moms
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2
Hop
Soul Surfer
Hoodwinked Too: Hood Versus Evil
Mr Popper’s Penguins
Cars 2
Winnie the Pooh
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Dolphin Tale
Happy Feet 2
Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL (Non-Children’s Film ONLY)
* The Hangover 2 – For crazy party locations, all that’s left is Rio and the Moonbase. Little-known fact: Ed Helms was led to believe that Cedar Rapids was a Hangover prequel.
* Final Destination 5 x Paranormal Activity 3 = Final Paranormal Activity Destination 15.
* Harry Potter 7: 2 – OK…it was necessary; 7 Part 1 was not
Pirates of the Caribbean 4 / The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp is now permanently employed pretending to be Keith Richards and Hunter S. Thompson.
* New Year’s Eve – It’s depressing to think how many holidays we have left to ruin with an ensemble cast and a Hallmark script.
WINNER: Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Out of nowhere, the first film was shockingly good. Since then, Disney has stripped the movies of all of their joy and wit. Part 3 should have ended it; nearly 3 hours of movie for nothing but to get to the concept fight in the whirlpool. Instead, I was snookered into believing that a few years off and the very welcome additions of the dude from Deadwood and Penelope Cruz might change course. No such luck; everything is there – the actors, the music, the set-up. There’s just no creativity left. You can’t get to Bond level of serialization with around 5 consecutive hours of dud and counting. FREE JOHNNY DEPP!
BEST TWIST:
The Lincoln Lawyer
Unknown
WINNER: Unknown – So all along, you knew it was Liam Neeson, you just didn’t know how.
WORST TWIST:
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – I hadn’t read the book, but everyone knew Stellan Skarsgard was a bad guy.
THE HELEN MIRREN AWARD FOR MOST RIDICULOUS ASS KICKER
Hanna
Your Highness
Sucker Punch
WINNER: Your Highness
This one was tough…Sucker Punch is a dream sequence. Hanna has the explanation of having been trained all her life as a killer, but there’s a scene with a few cuts where she’s twirling a 200 pound security guard in full riot gear like he’s a gnatty beach towel. Nevertheless, I pick Your Highness. Natalie Portman still has that Black Swan-pallid “maintenance purge” sheen that makes you uncomfortable to look at her for fear that esophageal corrosion or osteoporosis will become contagious.
NARRATIVE STYLES I CAN DO WITHOUT:
Hyper-link Narrative - Contagion
If ever there was a subject that deserved hyper-link narrative, it was this. And yet, it doesn’t work here either. The reason is simple: Hyperlink prevents you from connecting with any of the characters. If the movie were all Laurence Fishburne and Kate Winslet, I could be convinced to care when Kate Winslet dies. Instead, she’s got about 10 minutes of face time before she’s dying.
Contagion goes on to make several specific mistakes, one in chasing a globalists’ wet dream too hard and the other in not doing so hard enough. For, at the end of the movie, we learn that the killer bug that Gwenyth Paltrow, evil, adultress corporate exec that she is, catches was in fact created by Ms. Paltrow’s own corporation because it cleared some rainforest, which led the bat to fly to the pig farm, blah blah blah. So, instead of leaving us with a public health message of “hey, this shit might happen, it’s random, scary, and there’s nothing to be done about it,” we instead get, “Well, the problem is really the corporations.” Yawn.
Then again, the movie makes the classic Independence Day error of setting everything in the United States. If you’re going to use the globalist’s preferred narrative style, you can’t set almost everything in the US when the disease is killing all over the globe.
BEST POORLY EXECUTED IDEA MOST IN NEED OF A PROFESSIONAL:
* Red Riding Hood – Tim Burton. There are a lot of movies Tim Burton should make. Phantom of the Opera for example - he's Edward Scissorhands with music.
* Limitless – An Editor. A writer with writer's bloc dreams up a drug to fix it and writes his movie about that; this clever hook turns into a wandering plot that spirals out of control as he carries this on to a stream of consciousness conclusion that makes no sense.
* Thor & Captain America – The hungrier Marvel of 5 years ago
* Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Whoever wrote the first movie
* Harry Potter 7: 2 – The final battle is graffitied with anti-climactic moments, the worst of which is the end of Helena Bonham Carter in what amounts to wand-borne patty-cake on a table.
* Cowboys & Aliens – Someone with a sense of humor
* The Muppets – Someone to realize that we just wanted the Muppet Show, not 2 hours of build-up. Someone to realize that we wanted this to springboard the re-launch of the TV show. Barber shop quarter Nirvana – brilliant.
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT FOR WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US:
* Sucker Punch – This movie came out around the time the Arab Spring started…something had to give. Between the relentless din of Helen Mirren Award nominees kicking nazi/monster/etc. ass, this movie makes the unconscionable decision of trying to go ultra-serious. The result is about 20 minutes of extremely uncomfortable sex slave drama spliced with an hour plus of action shooter video game footage which, and I swear I’m not making this up, is supposed to symbolize the place a girl goes when she’s forced to dance for lecherous old men. Even serial killers would find this movie bizarre.
WORST REMAKE OF AN IDEA-LESS HOLLYWOOD:
The Smurfs
Conan the Barbarian
Footloose
The Thing
The Three Musketeers
Fright Night
WINNER: Conan the Barbarian. The Smurfs never had any ideas to begin with. Nor did Footloose. Horror remakes are nigh on obligatory, and may have led Russian scientists into digging a several mile ice hole. That leaves the Three Musketeers and Conan. The Three Musketeers seems like something Hollywood does reflexively – “Hey, it’s been like 5 years, shouldn’t we make another Musketeers movie?”
But Conan? No excuse. The first Conan was a movie with real ideas, a star like nothing you’d seen before (roided out Arnold), ridiculous nudity, perhaps the greatest film score of all time, and Mongol Darth Vader as the bad guy. In short, it is awesome in every way. So to remake it, they took out all the ideas, found somebody who is only slightly more imposing than Paul Bettany, dialed down the nudity to Ashcroftian FBI levels, ditched the music and the uber-villain. What’s left is a less-cinematic version of The Immortals.
The difference can summed up as follows:
Best line from the real Conan: "Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life? Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
2011 Version: Conan: "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content."
It’s hard to argue for bourgeoisie values – the counter-culture is the culture. Perhaps a cynical, self-referential generation that was allowed to watch David Bowie freak them out in Labyrinth hopes to vaccinate their children from counter culture with the Rebecca Blacks and Selena Gomezes of the world. Unlike with real vaccines, this year in children's films may actually cause autism. I watched the Winnie the Pooh movie. Literally nothing happens. By the end, I was counting cards and obsessed with the Beatles. And I no longer liked Tigger.
When I look out into the Occupy movement, the Tea Party, and everyone in between, I have to hope that one thing unites us all…that underneath the dreadlocks on the self-proclaimed vanguard of the 99% as well as under the Axe-hair sprayed uber-douche ‘do of the elusive 1%, there is a cry welling up in all Americans, and that one day, we will all cry in unison, “No mo’ Gnomeo”
Gnomeo & Juliet
Mars Needs Moms
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2
Hop
Soul Surfer
Hoodwinked Too: Hood Versus Evil
Mr Popper’s Penguins
Cars 2
Winnie the Pooh
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Dolphin Tale
Happy Feet 2
Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL (Non-Children’s Film ONLY)
* The Hangover 2 – For crazy party locations, all that’s left is Rio and the Moonbase. Little-known fact: Ed Helms was led to believe that Cedar Rapids was a Hangover prequel.
* Final Destination 5 x Paranormal Activity 3 = Final Paranormal Activity Destination 15.
* Harry Potter 7: 2 – OK…it was necessary; 7 Part 1 was not
Pirates of the Caribbean 4 / The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp is now permanently employed pretending to be Keith Richards and Hunter S. Thompson.
* New Year’s Eve – It’s depressing to think how many holidays we have left to ruin with an ensemble cast and a Hallmark script.
WINNER: Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Out of nowhere, the first film was shockingly good. Since then, Disney has stripped the movies of all of their joy and wit. Part 3 should have ended it; nearly 3 hours of movie for nothing but to get to the concept fight in the whirlpool. Instead, I was snookered into believing that a few years off and the very welcome additions of the dude from Deadwood and Penelope Cruz might change course. No such luck; everything is there – the actors, the music, the set-up. There’s just no creativity left. You can’t get to Bond level of serialization with around 5 consecutive hours of dud and counting. FREE JOHNNY DEPP!
BEST TWIST:
The Lincoln Lawyer
Unknown
WINNER: Unknown – So all along, you knew it was Liam Neeson, you just didn’t know how.
WORST TWIST:
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – I hadn’t read the book, but everyone knew Stellan Skarsgard was a bad guy.
THE HELEN MIRREN AWARD FOR MOST RIDICULOUS ASS KICKER
Hanna
Your Highness
Sucker Punch
WINNER: Your Highness
This one was tough…Sucker Punch is a dream sequence. Hanna has the explanation of having been trained all her life as a killer, but there’s a scene with a few cuts where she’s twirling a 200 pound security guard in full riot gear like he’s a gnatty beach towel. Nevertheless, I pick Your Highness. Natalie Portman still has that Black Swan-pallid “maintenance purge” sheen that makes you uncomfortable to look at her for fear that esophageal corrosion or osteoporosis will become contagious.
NARRATIVE STYLES I CAN DO WITHOUT:
Hyper-link Narrative - Contagion
If ever there was a subject that deserved hyper-link narrative, it was this. And yet, it doesn’t work here either. The reason is simple: Hyperlink prevents you from connecting with any of the characters. If the movie were all Laurence Fishburne and Kate Winslet, I could be convinced to care when Kate Winslet dies. Instead, she’s got about 10 minutes of face time before she’s dying.
Contagion goes on to make several specific mistakes, one in chasing a globalists’ wet dream too hard and the other in not doing so hard enough. For, at the end of the movie, we learn that the killer bug that Gwenyth Paltrow, evil, adultress corporate exec that she is, catches was in fact created by Ms. Paltrow’s own corporation because it cleared some rainforest, which led the bat to fly to the pig farm, blah blah blah. So, instead of leaving us with a public health message of “hey, this shit might happen, it’s random, scary, and there’s nothing to be done about it,” we instead get, “Well, the problem is really the corporations.” Yawn.
Then again, the movie makes the classic Independence Day error of setting everything in the United States. If you’re going to use the globalist’s preferred narrative style, you can’t set almost everything in the US when the disease is killing all over the globe.
BEST POORLY EXECUTED IDEA MOST IN NEED OF A PROFESSIONAL:
* Red Riding Hood – Tim Burton. There are a lot of movies Tim Burton should make. Phantom of the Opera for example - he's Edward Scissorhands with music.
* Limitless – An Editor. A writer with writer's bloc dreams up a drug to fix it and writes his movie about that; this clever hook turns into a wandering plot that spirals out of control as he carries this on to a stream of consciousness conclusion that makes no sense.
* Thor & Captain America – The hungrier Marvel of 5 years ago
* Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Whoever wrote the first movie
* Harry Potter 7: 2 – The final battle is graffitied with anti-climactic moments, the worst of which is the end of Helena Bonham Carter in what amounts to wand-borne patty-cake on a table.
* Cowboys & Aliens – Someone with a sense of humor
* The Muppets – Someone to realize that we just wanted the Muppet Show, not 2 hours of build-up. Someone to realize that we wanted this to springboard the re-launch of the TV show. Barber shop quarter Nirvana – brilliant.
SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENT FOR WHY THE TERRORISTS HATE US:
* Sucker Punch – This movie came out around the time the Arab Spring started…something had to give. Between the relentless din of Helen Mirren Award nominees kicking nazi/monster/etc. ass, this movie makes the unconscionable decision of trying to go ultra-serious. The result is about 20 minutes of extremely uncomfortable sex slave drama spliced with an hour plus of action shooter video game footage which, and I swear I’m not making this up, is supposed to symbolize the place a girl goes when she’s forced to dance for lecherous old men. Even serial killers would find this movie bizarre.
WORST REMAKE OF AN IDEA-LESS HOLLYWOOD:
The Smurfs
Conan the Barbarian
Footloose
The Thing
The Three Musketeers
Fright Night
WINNER: Conan the Barbarian. The Smurfs never had any ideas to begin with. Nor did Footloose. Horror remakes are nigh on obligatory, and may have led Russian scientists into digging a several mile ice hole. That leaves the Three Musketeers and Conan. The Three Musketeers seems like something Hollywood does reflexively – “Hey, it’s been like 5 years, shouldn’t we make another Musketeers movie?”
But Conan? No excuse. The first Conan was a movie with real ideas, a star like nothing you’d seen before (roided out Arnold), ridiculous nudity, perhaps the greatest film score of all time, and Mongol Darth Vader as the bad guy. In short, it is awesome in every way. So to remake it, they took out all the ideas, found somebody who is only slightly more imposing than Paul Bettany, dialed down the nudity to Ashcroftian FBI levels, ditched the music and the uber-villain. What’s left is a less-cinematic version of The Immortals.
The difference can summed up as follows:
Best line from the real Conan: "Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life? Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
2011 Version: Conan: "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content."
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
THE NICHOLAS CAGE AWARD FOR EGREGIOUS SELLOUT
Nic Cage - Season of the Witch
Nic Cage – Drive Angry
Anthony Hopkins – The Rite
Winner: Nic Cage – Season of the Witch. The Return of the King! Apparently the green paper god to which Mr. Cage must burn money in tribute was especially feisty this year. Drive Angry was understandable. Season of the Witch? Even the title doesn’t pass the laugh test…it sounds like Star Wars Episode 7.
ARE WE DONE HERE?
Clint Eastwood – J. Edgar
Adam Sandler – Everything
WINNER: Adam Sandler. Too lazy to ever be funny again. I swear he’s just making movies to hang out with hot chicks. He can’t possibly need the money. Besides, Clint told everyone to get off America’s lawn at half time. It’s still there somewhere. America needs a Dirty Harry coda.
WE’RE DONE HERE:
Robert Redford - The Conspirator
Kevin Costner – Company Men
Robert Redford is no Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood tells Robert Redford to get off his lawn and stop cluttering it with weird “sympathy for Lincoln’s assassins” movies. Costner has a 20% chance that he will someday swallow his pride and take a role in someone else’s project that turns out to be good and briefly revitalizes his career. Redford’s too old for that.
DID WE EVER GET STARTED?
Ryan Reynolds
Jennifer Aniston
WINNER: Jennifer Aniston. After the British Isles launched an invasion of Colins in the late 90’s, America turned to a young stable of Ryans to face the Hollywood cookie-cutter machine guns: Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan Phillipe. Of those, Reynolds is the one we’re all supposed to pretend is A-List without ever having done anything good. By now, everyone should be well aware that Ryan Reynolds has managed to become a famous movie star without any actual hits or necessarily any talent beyond his abs. Given the success of Jersey Shore, he may well have been better served creating a funny nickname for his abs and leaving it at that. Really we all should. I’m thinking I’ll go with “The Crescendo.”
Anyhow, Jennifer Aniston does not make sense. She should have been Clooney, the best thing on some popularly forgettable network drivel turned into a movie icon. She started with Office Space and then…she’s failed to launch. I guess she was trying to be funny as a Horrible Boss but, let’s face it, A-list stars don’t take roles where they get turned down by Charlie from Always Sunny. I still think Brad made the wrong choice but, seriously, John Mayer does nothing for my argument. Check her out, as she insists, in “Just Go With It.” She actually has a bikini showdown with Brooklyn Decker and might have won. (That last sentence is what I meant when I said Adam Sandler seems to be making movies as an excuse to hang out with hot chicks.) She’s lost, she might have to go back to TV.
MOST UNNECESSARY ARTISTIC EXCURSION
Everything Must Go – Will Farrell. No explanation needed.
Nic Cage - Season of the Witch
Nic Cage – Drive Angry
Anthony Hopkins – The Rite
Winner: Nic Cage – Season of the Witch. The Return of the King! Apparently the green paper god to which Mr. Cage must burn money in tribute was especially feisty this year. Drive Angry was understandable. Season of the Witch? Even the title doesn’t pass the laugh test…it sounds like Star Wars Episode 7.
ARE WE DONE HERE?
Clint Eastwood – J. Edgar
Adam Sandler – Everything
WINNER: Adam Sandler. Too lazy to ever be funny again. I swear he’s just making movies to hang out with hot chicks. He can’t possibly need the money. Besides, Clint told everyone to get off America’s lawn at half time. It’s still there somewhere. America needs a Dirty Harry coda.
WE’RE DONE HERE:
Robert Redford - The Conspirator
Kevin Costner – Company Men
Robert Redford is no Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood tells Robert Redford to get off his lawn and stop cluttering it with weird “sympathy for Lincoln’s assassins” movies. Costner has a 20% chance that he will someday swallow his pride and take a role in someone else’s project that turns out to be good and briefly revitalizes his career. Redford’s too old for that.
DID WE EVER GET STARTED?
Ryan Reynolds
Jennifer Aniston
WINNER: Jennifer Aniston. After the British Isles launched an invasion of Colins in the late 90’s, America turned to a young stable of Ryans to face the Hollywood cookie-cutter machine guns: Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan Phillipe. Of those, Reynolds is the one we’re all supposed to pretend is A-List without ever having done anything good. By now, everyone should be well aware that Ryan Reynolds has managed to become a famous movie star without any actual hits or necessarily any talent beyond his abs. Given the success of Jersey Shore, he may well have been better served creating a funny nickname for his abs and leaving it at that. Really we all should. I’m thinking I’ll go with “The Crescendo.”
Anyhow, Jennifer Aniston does not make sense. She should have been Clooney, the best thing on some popularly forgettable network drivel turned into a movie icon. She started with Office Space and then…she’s failed to launch. I guess she was trying to be funny as a Horrible Boss but, let’s face it, A-list stars don’t take roles where they get turned down by Charlie from Always Sunny. I still think Brad made the wrong choice but, seriously, John Mayer does nothing for my argument. Check her out, as she insists, in “Just Go With It.” She actually has a bikini showdown with Brooklyn Decker and might have won. (That last sentence is what I meant when I said Adam Sandler seems to be making movies as an excuse to hang out with hot chicks.) She’s lost, she might have to go back to TV.
MOST UNNECESSARY ARTISTIC EXCURSION
Everything Must Go – Will Farrell. No explanation needed.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Day 3 of Oscars Preview: Valentine's Day
THE YEAR IN FORMULA ROM-COM:
Hollywood mercifully eased off this pedal this year. It may be that they’ve run out of ideas, or it may be that they have run out of dated catch phrases like “Friends With Benefits” on which to hang another sorority sister, focus-tested script. For this, we can thank texting shorthand…no one has the balls to title their movie “Sexting” or “LOL BFF.” Yet. We’ll get there about the time texting gets replaced by something else.
I have to be honest – it took 15 minutes of internet research to establish that No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits were, indeed, two different movies. I thought one was the tagline for the other.
I’m still skeptical. Here are the elevator pitches for both:
“While trying to avoid the clichés of Hollywood romantic comedies, Dylan and Jamie soon discover however that adding the act of sex to their friendship does lead to complications.”
“A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but it's not long before they learn that they want something more.”
I rest my case.
MOST TOLERABLE ROMCOM:
Crazy Stupid Love
This movie is legitimately funny and entertaining for an hour plus, then throws in a plot twist so implausible that disbelief gets the Pete Rose ban. But it doesn’t matter, because it goes right back to being funny.
KING OF QUEENS AWARD FOR MOST UNREALISTIC MOVIE RELATIONSHIP:
Rio – Cartoon lame-parrot and Cartoon Hannah Parrot
Zookeeper – The King Himself & Rosario Dawson & Leslie Bibb
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (AFTER Megan Fox)
Horrible Bosses – Charlie Day & Jennifer Aniston
WINNER: Shia LeBeouf – Transformers 3.
As I’ve perhaps carped on in the past, modern advertising is based on the notion that all women are hot and brilliant, and that all guys are goofy shlubs that these hot, brilliant women somehow manage to tolerate. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, we’ll just assume this is true. If nothing else, it confirms both gender’s world view. It’s what brings unfairly hot women to George Costanza’s doorstep. It’s what sells paper towels for hot, brilliant house wives to clean up after their idiot husbands. It’s what made Denise Richards a nuclear scientist named Christmas in a Bond flick. Even Chris Farley in Tommy Boy went to this well.
No form of entertainment better captured this than The King of Queens. Indeed, the King of Queens continues to dial this up, pretending to have dated both Leslie Bibb and Rosario Dawson in Zookeeper. But he can’t win because Rosario Dawson is a serial offender on this front; at a certain point you have to wonder if she’s hot. Jennifer Aniston and Charlie Day never seal the deal, because ultimately Aniston is crazy…in the movie. And anything can happen in a cartoon. We’re left to believe that Shia LeBoof moves from Megan Fox to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Michael Bay just can’t help himself.
THE YEAR IN FORMULA ROM-COM:
Hollywood mercifully eased off this pedal this year. It may be that they’ve run out of ideas, or it may be that they have run out of dated catch phrases like “Friends With Benefits” on which to hang another sorority sister, focus-tested script. For this, we can thank texting shorthand…no one has the balls to title their movie “Sexting” or “LOL BFF.” Yet. We’ll get there about the time texting gets replaced by something else.
I have to be honest – it took 15 minutes of internet research to establish that No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits were, indeed, two different movies. I thought one was the tagline for the other.
I’m still skeptical. Here are the elevator pitches for both:
“While trying to avoid the clichés of Hollywood romantic comedies, Dylan and Jamie soon discover however that adding the act of sex to their friendship does lead to complications.”
“A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but it's not long before they learn that they want something more.”
I rest my case.
MOST TOLERABLE ROMCOM:
Crazy Stupid Love
This movie is legitimately funny and entertaining for an hour plus, then throws in a plot twist so implausible that disbelief gets the Pete Rose ban. But it doesn’t matter, because it goes right back to being funny.
KING OF QUEENS AWARD FOR MOST UNREALISTIC MOVIE RELATIONSHIP:
Rio – Cartoon lame-parrot and Cartoon Hannah Parrot
Zookeeper – The King Himself & Rosario Dawson & Leslie Bibb
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (AFTER Megan Fox)
Horrible Bosses – Charlie Day & Jennifer Aniston
WINNER: Shia LeBeouf – Transformers 3.
As I’ve perhaps carped on in the past, modern advertising is based on the notion that all women are hot and brilliant, and that all guys are goofy shlubs that these hot, brilliant women somehow manage to tolerate. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, we’ll just assume this is true. If nothing else, it confirms both gender’s world view. It’s what brings unfairly hot women to George Costanza’s doorstep. It’s what sells paper towels for hot, brilliant house wives to clean up after their idiot husbands. It’s what made Denise Richards a nuclear scientist named Christmas in a Bond flick. Even Chris Farley in Tommy Boy went to this well.
No form of entertainment better captured this than The King of Queens. Indeed, the King of Queens continues to dial this up, pretending to have dated both Leslie Bibb and Rosario Dawson in Zookeeper. But he can’t win because Rosario Dawson is a serial offender on this front; at a certain point you have to wonder if she’s hot. Jennifer Aniston and Charlie Day never seal the deal, because ultimately Aniston is crazy…in the movie. And anything can happen in a cartoon. We’re left to believe that Shia LeBoof moves from Megan Fox to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Michael Bay just can’t help himself.
Monday, February 13, 2012
KIM JONG IL KIDNAPPED ME AND MADE ME DO THIS MOVIE:
Reece Witherspoon – Water for Elephants
Tom Hanks - Larry Crowne
Julia Roberts – Larry Crowne
WINNER: Larry Crowne. Every year there’s a movie that makes you wonder, “Why would those people do this film? Some lunatic dictator had to have kidnapped them and forced them to do it against their will.” I honestly can’t decide whether Julia Roberts or Tom Hanks was more misguided in tackling this turkey. I lean towards Roberts because her character’s name is actually Mercedes Tainot. I guess it sounds better than it looks. Other characters names include “Dell Gordo,” which may be an item on Taco Bell’s menu. I think Kim Jong’s original text named Larry Crowne “Joe the Plumber.” Never has a preview so clearly advertised that a movie was going to suck. In this, it succeeded in its task, not as much a preview as a forewarning. Thankfully it tanked so fast and had a title so non-descript that it may be forgotten this was supposed to be a summer BLOCKBUSTER.
The script has been quarantined by FEMA to prevent further outbreaks. Go read the plot synopsis on IMDB; I defy you to find anyone on earth who would buy that concept. In practice, it seems like one of those high school creative writing assignments where two bad writers with different styles alternate writing off in their own direction. Half the movie is a comedy that’s not funny. The rest is a love story with no heart. At some point a script doctor must have been brought in to tie the two together, but one can only assume it was Dr. Nick Riviera. Perhaps his most noteworthy handiwork: a bizarre break up scene in which Julia Roberts’ husband repeatedly declares his innocence based on his love of big tits. I don’t know, maybe they cut that part from Sleepless in Seattle?
Special points for bizarreness goes to Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s character, an ethnically ambiguous attractive female who randomly befriends Hanks' character, because hottie co-eds tend to just be dying to hang out with the creepy old man in class. Throughout the film, she continues to show up in several scenes and have a major speaking part without managing to serve any narrative function. She isn’t funny, she doesn’t advance the plot, she does not serve some symbolic purpose. She could be removed entirely from the film, and should, preferably in favor of more of the only amusing element: George Takei’s economics professor. It landed him on Celebrity Apprentice, so at least someone got a bounce from this splat.
THE JACK BLACK AWARD FOR ALARMINGLY UNFUNNY COMEDY:
The Dilemma
Just Go With It
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Jack & Jill
This was a wretched year for Adam Sandler. I’m going to say “Jack&Jill” because I couldn’t bring myself to spend two hours on a Saturday Night Live sketch that would have been overlong at 8 minutes. I would like to put Adam Sandler on a David Chappelle timeout and have Chappelle come churn out 2 comedies a year. I think we’d all be better off.
MOVIE I MAY HAVE APPEARED IN:
Tower Heist – Wandering the edge of Central Park on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I kept wondering, “Why is there a low-rent version of the Macy’s Day parade 2 days later?” Tower Heist was the answer. Look for a pasty white guy who doesn’t look paid to be excited.
Reece Witherspoon – Water for Elephants
Tom Hanks - Larry Crowne
Julia Roberts – Larry Crowne
WINNER: Larry Crowne. Every year there’s a movie that makes you wonder, “Why would those people do this film? Some lunatic dictator had to have kidnapped them and forced them to do it against their will.” I honestly can’t decide whether Julia Roberts or Tom Hanks was more misguided in tackling this turkey. I lean towards Roberts because her character’s name is actually Mercedes Tainot. I guess it sounds better than it looks. Other characters names include “Dell Gordo,” which may be an item on Taco Bell’s menu. I think Kim Jong’s original text named Larry Crowne “Joe the Plumber.” Never has a preview so clearly advertised that a movie was going to suck. In this, it succeeded in its task, not as much a preview as a forewarning. Thankfully it tanked so fast and had a title so non-descript that it may be forgotten this was supposed to be a summer BLOCKBUSTER.
The script has been quarantined by FEMA to prevent further outbreaks. Go read the plot synopsis on IMDB; I defy you to find anyone on earth who would buy that concept. In practice, it seems like one of those high school creative writing assignments where two bad writers with different styles alternate writing off in their own direction. Half the movie is a comedy that’s not funny. The rest is a love story with no heart. At some point a script doctor must have been brought in to tie the two together, but one can only assume it was Dr. Nick Riviera. Perhaps his most noteworthy handiwork: a bizarre break up scene in which Julia Roberts’ husband repeatedly declares his innocence based on his love of big tits. I don’t know, maybe they cut that part from Sleepless in Seattle?
Special points for bizarreness goes to Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s character, an ethnically ambiguous attractive female who randomly befriends Hanks' character, because hottie co-eds tend to just be dying to hang out with the creepy old man in class. Throughout the film, she continues to show up in several scenes and have a major speaking part without managing to serve any narrative function. She isn’t funny, she doesn’t advance the plot, she does not serve some symbolic purpose. She could be removed entirely from the film, and should, preferably in favor of more of the only amusing element: George Takei’s economics professor. It landed him on Celebrity Apprentice, so at least someone got a bounce from this splat.
THE JACK BLACK AWARD FOR ALARMINGLY UNFUNNY COMEDY:
The Dilemma
Just Go With It
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Jack & Jill
This was a wretched year for Adam Sandler. I’m going to say “Jack&Jill” because I couldn’t bring myself to spend two hours on a Saturday Night Live sketch that would have been overlong at 8 minutes. I would like to put Adam Sandler on a David Chappelle timeout and have Chappelle come churn out 2 comedies a year. I think we’d all be better off.
MOVIE I MAY HAVE APPEARED IN:
Tower Heist – Wandering the edge of Central Park on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I kept wondering, “Why is there a low-rent version of the Macy’s Day parade 2 days later?” Tower Heist was the answer. Look for a pasty white guy who doesn’t look paid to be excited.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
2012 Oscars Preview and Year in Movie Review
Two weeks to go, check back (semi-)daily for updates as I countdown to my preview.
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS AWARD FOR FILM TITLE PROBABLY BETTER IN YOUR IMAGINATION THAN IN PRACTICE:
1. Bonny & Clyde Vs. Dracula – I love this concept: what could possibly bring these three into conflict?
2. Hobo with a Shotgun
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (ZING!)
4. Suing the Devil
5. The Black Power Mix Tape
6. White Irish Drinkers
7. Evil-Bong 3D
8. The Imperialists Are Still Alive!
9. There Be Dragons
10. Redneck Carnage
11. Machine Gun Preacher
12. The Worst Movie EVER!
WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF BLAXPLOITATION? TYLER PERRY’S BLOREDOM
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
MOST BIZARRE PHENOMENON OF THE YEAR: The Paul Bettany Action Star Experiment
The Eagle
The Priest
The economics of the film industry are such that there is greater demand for action and sci-fi than there are legitimate action stars. This is how Ryan Reynolds becomes the Green Lantern. However, sometime Ryan Reynolds is unavailable, Keanu Reeves is contemplating retirement, or your script doesn’t have the kind of gravitas that, say, a Rock or Jason Statham have come to expect. In that case, you could go fishing in the casting department and see if you can find a no-name who can take some punches and look tough.
Or you can pretend that everyone knows who Paul Bettany is and that he can be an action star. Apparently the film industry chooses the latter. Paul Bettany, as of course no one ought to know, is the British character actor best known as John Nash’s imaginary friend in A Beautiful Mind, and as something akin to Charles Darwin in Master & Commander. He also played a tennis pro opposite Kirsten Dunst; it’s hard to say who seems less athletic. In other words, he’s a skinny English guy who plays nerds. Inexplicably, he was asked to play an action hero not once, but twice, in one year, including taking a role as a sword & sandal Roman soldier. Now, I’m sure that Paul Bettany can hire a nutritionist, hit the ‘roids, get a gym membership and pretend to look the part. But no one is buying. This is embarrassing. When you come to the point that no one wants to play your action hero but Paul Bettany, that’s when you admit you have script problems. If you still believe, give one of the thousands of wanna-be’s a chance.
The real question is: when is Congress going to demand PED testing for actors? Paul Bettany playing an action hero twice, even mildly convincingly, is no less galling than Brady Anderson hitting 50 homeruns.
MOST INTERESTING SUB-PLOT:
Is it possible that the Harry Potter / Twilight teen actor most likely to sustain a career through the rest of this decade is Draco Malfoy? While all of the other leads are chasing lead roles in flops, Draco had the good sense to take a bit part in a good movie (Rise of the Planet of the Apes). Perhaps he's smart enough to know he should play the same role for 10 years while everyone else flames out or takes their money and retires.
WHY YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE SUCKS: THE MOVIE EVERYONE ELSE LIKED THAT I DIDN’T
Drive
I was told that the tagline for this movie was, “Every guy will be hard, every girl will be wet.” It tried too hard; sometimes you just have to relax and let it happen. This was the year that everyone came around on Ryan Gosling. Not unfairly; Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, and Ides of March is a respectable career, not just a year. But, like A.C. Slater, Drive just wants to be cool so much that it’s not that cool. It drags in the middle; I started to sympathize with the woman who sued because there wasn’t enough driving in the movie. It doesn’t have nearly enough of Christina Hendricks. They keep setting up some epic race car, “have to win to make money and live” drag race that never happens. But the cardinal sin? The bad guys are lame. Ron Pearl and Albert Brooks? It’s like this movie rolled Gosling up to the line, and the guys gunning their engines to race him are in a Chevy Volt and a Prius.
Two weeks to go, check back (semi-)daily for updates as I countdown to my preview.
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS AWARD FOR FILM TITLE PROBABLY BETTER IN YOUR IMAGINATION THAN IN PRACTICE:
1. Bonny & Clyde Vs. Dracula – I love this concept: what could possibly bring these three into conflict?
2. Hobo with a Shotgun
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (ZING!)
4. Suing the Devil
5. The Black Power Mix Tape
6. White Irish Drinkers
7. Evil-Bong 3D
8. The Imperialists Are Still Alive!
9. There Be Dragons
10. Redneck Carnage
11. Machine Gun Preacher
12. The Worst Movie EVER!
WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF BLAXPLOITATION? TYLER PERRY’S BLOREDOM
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
MOST BIZARRE PHENOMENON OF THE YEAR: The Paul Bettany Action Star Experiment
The Eagle
The Priest
The economics of the film industry are such that there is greater demand for action and sci-fi than there are legitimate action stars. This is how Ryan Reynolds becomes the Green Lantern. However, sometime Ryan Reynolds is unavailable, Keanu Reeves is contemplating retirement, or your script doesn’t have the kind of gravitas that, say, a Rock or Jason Statham have come to expect. In that case, you could go fishing in the casting department and see if you can find a no-name who can take some punches and look tough.
Or you can pretend that everyone knows who Paul Bettany is and that he can be an action star. Apparently the film industry chooses the latter. Paul Bettany, as of course no one ought to know, is the British character actor best known as John Nash’s imaginary friend in A Beautiful Mind, and as something akin to Charles Darwin in Master & Commander. He also played a tennis pro opposite Kirsten Dunst; it’s hard to say who seems less athletic. In other words, he’s a skinny English guy who plays nerds. Inexplicably, he was asked to play an action hero not once, but twice, in one year, including taking a role as a sword & sandal Roman soldier. Now, I’m sure that Paul Bettany can hire a nutritionist, hit the ‘roids, get a gym membership and pretend to look the part. But no one is buying. This is embarrassing. When you come to the point that no one wants to play your action hero but Paul Bettany, that’s when you admit you have script problems. If you still believe, give one of the thousands of wanna-be’s a chance.
The real question is: when is Congress going to demand PED testing for actors? Paul Bettany playing an action hero twice, even mildly convincingly, is no less galling than Brady Anderson hitting 50 homeruns.
MOST INTERESTING SUB-PLOT:
Is it possible that the Harry Potter / Twilight teen actor most likely to sustain a career through the rest of this decade is Draco Malfoy? While all of the other leads are chasing lead roles in flops, Draco had the good sense to take a bit part in a good movie (Rise of the Planet of the Apes). Perhaps he's smart enough to know he should play the same role for 10 years while everyone else flames out or takes their money and retires.
WHY YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE SUCKS: THE MOVIE EVERYONE ELSE LIKED THAT I DIDN’T
Drive
I was told that the tagline for this movie was, “Every guy will be hard, every girl will be wet.” It tried too hard; sometimes you just have to relax and let it happen. This was the year that everyone came around on Ryan Gosling. Not unfairly; Crazy Stupid Love, Drive, and Ides of March is a respectable career, not just a year. But, like A.C. Slater, Drive just wants to be cool so much that it’s not that cool. It drags in the middle; I started to sympathize with the woman who sued because there wasn’t enough driving in the movie. It doesn’t have nearly enough of Christina Hendricks. They keep setting up some epic race car, “have to win to make money and live” drag race that never happens. But the cardinal sin? The bad guys are lame. Ron Pearl and Albert Brooks? It’s like this movie rolled Gosling up to the line, and the guys gunning their engines to race him are in a Chevy Volt and a Prius.
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