Summer Sequel Square-Off

This summer is shaping up to be the summer of disappointing sequels. We've got 3 already in the hopper and more on the way, and all of them pale in comparison to Hot Fuzz. There are a few factors that go into a bad sequel:
1) Over-long - Call this the Return of the King Factor
2) Too much new exposition - This will heretofore be known as the Worlds' End Factor
3) Too much tying-up loose ends - The Sopranos Factor
4) Too much leaving the door open for another sequel - The X-Men X Factor
5) No fun - Harried Writer Syndrome
6) Unoriginality - Bored Writer Syndrome
7) Burdened by original casting - Kirsten Dunst Syndrome
8) Actor clearly bored by role - Johnny Depp Syndrome
9) Shameless marketing ploy - Ewok Syndrome
10) Complete Let-Down From High Expectations - George Lucas Disease

We'll rate these 1-10 and then come up with a tally called the Attack of the Clones Rating and then keep tabs throughout the summer. In the event of a tie, the longer title wins the worst rating.

Let's look at what we've seen so far:

Spider-Man 3
1) Return of the King Factor - 6 - a solid 2+, this movie is definitely too long, but not too too long
2) Worlds' End Factor - 9 - WAYYY TOO MUCH. We've got 3 bad guys to deal with, Venom has no real screen time, a new girl drifts into the movie, James Franco wanders back and forth aimlessly. There's just too much 'shit goes down' factor, and this isn't X-Men where people miraculously turn up alive in the next go-round.
3) Sopranos Factor - 7 - Well, one bad guy drifts away aimlessly, a few others are dead, Kirsten Dunst, who is the one who doesn't want to keep doing the movies, is still standing there with nothing to add but screaming while being suspended in the air over things. So really, there's no point in making a Spiderman 4. There's a delicate balance to getting high scores on the Sopranos Factor and still scoring high on the X-Men X Factor. Spiderman swings in favor of the Sopranos.
4) X-Men X Factor - 3 - Well, there's still Spiderman and his editor, plus a new girl. But too much shit had to go down; the next Spiderman will be it's own beast.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 2 - No symptoms. I have to give them credit - the Tobey Maguire, Man About Town routine was pretty funny. Fun factor was still strong.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - Doctor says to seek a second opinion. While we did have some nice plot twists, we still end up with nothing to top the train scene from 2, plus a third straight contrived ending involving things hanging in the air and Kirsten Dunst screaming to be saved.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 8 - Oh yeah. Dunst+Franco+Maguire - oof, triple gut punch in the acting department. At least Franco was solid this time, unlike his Hayden Christensen-esque performance in Spiderman 2. Maguire also did alright out of the suit. That leaves Kirsten Dunst. If it's called Lou Gerig's disease, and you're the Gerig family and you name your kid Lou, chances are, the prognosis is not good.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 2 - Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, even growing in the roles.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 1 - Tough to sell a toy that turns into sand or one that crawls around and changes Spiderman's color.
10) George Lucas Disease - 7 - Spiderman 2's train sequence actually moved me. This was a pretty solid letdown. But there was no Jar Jar.

Attack of the Clones Rating: 53 out of 100 - A solid disappointment, nothing too spectacular. Just enough to make you wonder if you'll see 4.

Shrek 3

1) Return of the King Factor - 3 - At 92 minutes, it's long for a cartoon. Still, that's not much.
2) World's End Factor - 9 - Another desperate search for fairy tales has the writer's blowing just about every commonly known fairy tale ever on this movie. We might have to delve into the Jungle Book and Ricky Ticky Tambo soon. As it is, almost no one gets serious screentime given the ramshackle hodgepodge of every fairytale ever. I think this is a common fallacy for good writers trying to do a sequel - in lieu of entertainment and dialogue, I'll make up for it with extra exposition.
3) Soprano's Factor - 5 - The door is open to further movies, but I have to give a high score just for cutting off so many fairytale avenues in one movie.
4) X-Men Factor - 10 - This is becoming an episodic series, not a film series. 2 more movies are already in development. Shrek's running down Jason and Freddy Kruger. Speaking of which, remember Bambi vs. Godzilla? How about Donkey vs. Jason?
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 5 - Solidly lacking in fun, but a few bright spots here and there.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 8 - "Hey, what do you want to do with this one?" "Let's have babies, King Arthur, and every fairy tale ever." "Sure...what was that? I wasn't listening, I was playing an orbitz pop-up game."
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - The movie was well-cast and cartoon shooting must take an hour. Not enough time to get bored, a nice easy paycheck, and the cartoonists do all the work.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 4 - Even a sell-out like Eddie Murphy can only mail it in so much.
9) Ewok Syndrome - 10 - This is a cash cow. Shrek could campaign against women's suffrage and there'd still be Shrek XVI: Ogre Mary Poppins.
10) George Lucas Disease - 3 - It's a cartoon movie. You know what you're getting, it's thin gruel to begin with. We already read the PC fairy tales.

Attack of the Clones Rating - 59 out of 100. Again, a bad sequel. Shrek has a certain advantage as a cartoon with so many categories mitigated by the shortness of the film and the non-presence of the actors. Worse than the sum of its parts.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
1) Return of the King Factor - 9 - This is one long damn movie. And there's no freaking fighting for 2 hours, and then about 30 minutes of non-stop fighting, followed by a classic Return of the King, 'let's end the movie 4 times' disaster involving something approaching soft core porn and a ridiculously transparent attempt to close off all the trilogy storylines and open the door to new adventures.
2) Worlds' End Factor - 10 - See Dunst Syndrome, Kirsten RE: Spiderman 3. A short synopsis of every scene in this film: 2 characters with some backstory developed in parts 1 and 2 develop that backstory to a far greater degree, adding several new motivations and layers of new lore to the universe. Of course it's impossible to follow and worse, none of the dialogue that gets you there is very snappy. Plus it seems like the writers keep changing their minds throughout the movie - first the coins mean something, then they mean nothing; first there's an informant, then there isn't; Jonathon Price seems to die but who knows, he could just be learning to scull (harder than it looks by the way.)
3) Soprano's Factor - 9 - All bad guys safely removed, including an ignominious and totally unexplained demise for the Kracken. "Hey, we did all the cool stuff w/ the giant squid. Why bother carrying on with that?" All heroes delivered safely to the end with more pirating to do.
4) X-Men X Factor - 9 - This is really an accomplishment - loose ends tied up plus clear route to Pirates IV? A tip of the cap to those writers, especially given how many loose ends they created for themselves. Of course it took 2 hours of non-stop exposition, but oh well.
5) Harried Writer Syndrome - 7 - Where are the jokes? The dialogue. That's what made the first film. And what undid the third, for me. I can sit through a lot of silliness if I'm entertained. This movie needed an Owen Wilson cameo about 5 times more than it needed the purposeless addition of Chow Yun Fat and his merry band of Hollywood's Oriental extras.
6) Bored Writer Syndrome - 1 - For all of that, there are a lot of interesting ideas floating around in this film. Too many. Shipwreck cove was great, well-played on the Keith Richards cameo. Hard to fault them for the effort.
7) Kirsten Dunst Syndrome - 2 - This cast is pretty darn strong. I added a point for Orlando Bloom's father, who may or may not have been in Abba, but you know, that weasely academic from Good Will Hunting. I needed 20 more minutes of that guy the way I need a tuberculosis scare.
8) Johnny Depp Syndrome - 5 - Though I call it Johnny Depp syndrome, everyone else seems to come off pretty well. Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, ubiquitous other-guy action cad Orlando Bloom, and Captain Barbosa all earn their paycheck. But Depp seems to have tried to bring in a touch of Edward Scissorhands weirdness, or perhaps merely a real cocaine addiction, and the result is a lifeless effort from the mainstay of the series. (P.S. - if the reason people come to the movie is for Captain Jack Sparrow, you might want to rescue him in the first 10 minutes of the movie).
9) Ewok Syndrome - 5 - On the one hand, this series doesn't lend itself to toys. On the other, Disney's transparent attempt to round out the trilogy and open a new chapter deserves further recognition.
10) George Lucas Disease - 8 - The results are in, and they don't look good. I have to say, I was really looking forward to this movie - 1 was a great movie, 2 was a solid sequel, but this was The League of Extraordinary Pirates, minus the novelty.

Attack of the Clones Rating: 66. A pretty bad effort, seeping towards series killing. Series have come back from worse, look at Rocky Balboa after Rocky V. Just don't actually watch Rocky V.

So far, here's what we've got:
1. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - 66
2. Shrek 3 - 59
3. Spiderman 3 - 53

A pretty close race so far. Hopefully we've got some good sequels coming; and hopefully not some sequels that will break ahead of the pack. A look at upcoming sequels:

June 8 Ocean's 13 - Anticipation Level DROOLING
Hostel 2 - Anticipation Level NONEXISTENT (Didn't see Part I)
June 15 Fantastic Four Two: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Anticipation Level LOW
June 22 Evan Almighty - Anticipation Level CURIOUS
June 27 Live Free or Die Hard - Anticipation Level RISING (BLOW UP BALTIMORE!)
July 13 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Anticipation Level - SOMEBODY BETTER DIE!!!
August 3 The Bourne Ultimatum - Anticipation Level - WHERE'S A TRAILER?
August 10 Rush Hour 3 - Anticipation Level - THAT TRAILER ROCKED...FILM WILL STILL SUCK
August 31 Halloween - Anticipation Level - THEY'RE RELEASING A HALLOWEEN MOVIE IN AUGUST?

(Not listed in fairness: 40-Year-Old Virgin 2 (AKA Knocked-UP), Animated Movie XV (Surf's Up, Ratatouille), Monument to Michael Moore's Disingenuousness, Greed, and Ego V (Sicko), Hairspray II (AKA Hairspray), Cuba Gooding Spikes His Career IV (Daddy Day Camp), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers III (The Invasion), Dodgeball II (Balls of Fury)

Plus TRANSFORMERS, MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!!!, the Simpsons, Mr Bean's Holiday.

I wouldn't cry if the Kings happened to land in the top two in the draft lottery.

I would look for pigs the next time I flew though.